Title: Just Breathe
Author: ScullyAsTrinity
Rated: R, some words and other schtuff.
Category: Angst, Romance
Characters: Trinity, Neo, Morpheus, Cypher... ect, ect...
Summary: We take a long look inside Trinity's head, in fact, we pretty much follow her throughout the whole Matrix! Woot!
"You take the blue pill the story ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." Katherine: "Or was it the other way around? SHIT!" So then Neo goes, "Wow, this is like deja vu." and Morpheus is all like, "It's happened before, I gave you the wrong fucking pill."
After watching Revisited while watching The Matrix... Katherine, imitating Morpheus: By the way Neo did I mention I was in Apocalypse Now?
Sorry Dan but, "she marveled at the intensity in his eyes as he mercilessly slaughtered the lobby guards" will not be featured in this piece.
***All of my thanks go out to Katherine and Lesley on this one. Kat, She really REALLY helped me through the writer's block. THANKS EVER SO MUCH! EY, THANKS FOR THE BETA BABE!***
----
Sometimes, in the middle of her shift, she would watch him. That's how it began.
That's when her carefully crafted bravado began to chip away. It was when her facade began to slip and she had to fight to keep it in place. She always prevailed to get back to where she was supposed to be, to the right frame of mind... but for a momentary slip.
She was afraid, afraid to fall in love.
From the beginning they had all believed that he was simply another potential. Another waste of time, as so many others had been. Trinity had been the most skeptical, as not to get her hopes up. Deep down, past the places where she put the thoughts that she didn't want to think. Past the hate and the longing... she put him. She put the hope that she had that he was the One.
From the beginning she chastised herself, knew that she would not feel what she was supposed to feel. When the Oracle had told her the prophecy, she was at first angry. Upset that her emotions were somehow pre-destined. After many months of searching, she was certain that they would never find the One and that the prophecy was somehow misinterpreted. Then... they found Thomas Anderson. Or Thomas Anderson found them.
The first night left her feeling a bit uneasy with herself. Her eyes were more aware, her actions more attentive. It left her questioning the initial question and the initial answer. She suppressed the fluttering in her stomach and attributed it to her lack of sleep, lack of dinner... anything but what she knew it might be. Still, she kept telling herself that he was not the One, he couldn't be. How could someone so out of touch be the One? How could someone who never woke up on time, someone who always spilled soy sauce on his shirt... be the sole being who would save Zion? She thought it completely unlikely and refused to get her hopes up.
She forced herself to take deep breaths. Breathe, breathe.
The first week was a test of endurance and suppression. By the second week she had become and expert at hiding her true motives... her motives for taking Cypher's late shift. Late at night, she could think while he was dreaming. She wished she could see the things that his mind simulated for him. What did he think about when he slept, were his visions as vivid as hers? Did he feel things... things he couldn't explain? Could he sense her watching him?
Her thoughts would always be severed before they could run away from her. She would get herself in check before Djoser came to take his shift. The module would always be set back in its original position, and not just inches from his face where she was content to watch from. She would always have the same answer for Djoser when he asked: "Nothing." Trinity would retire to her bunk and think for a few moments before falling into a light sleep.
In sleep, she recalled what she had been like before being unplugged. Vaguely like Neo. She had a family, an apartment... a bounty on her head. She had no friends, being the type to second guess every action and word that they presented her with. She refused to get close to anyone, for fear of letting her guard down and endangering herself. She remembers when she stopped living for other and started living for herself. By herself. Searching, every day.
She recalled the days before she was unplugged, when she would run and be winded. When she would run and sweat.
In her memories she remembered the cold sweat that broke out over her when she logged onto one of her non-descript computers only to find that her hack had worked... and that she had only thirty seconds to download the data. She cursed her forgetfulness and vowed to be more attentive, more dedicated... and she proceeded to download all of the information onto disk and erase all traces that she had been in the database. She remembers the ten o'clock news and the word spreading that the IRS-d database had been hacked into. That's when she knew that the world was not for her. That was when she began her search.
Her search did not take long, for Morpheus contacted her the next day, and she was unplugged on the one after that.
But she still remembers the agents after her. After her like she was sure they would be after Neo. She remembers spotting them at the end of the hallway and darting past her professor's office and into a laboratory room. She can still feel the bewildered eyes of her fellow students as she rushed past. She can still feel the shards of glass cutting through her skin as she burst through the second story window. She can surely still head the crunch of her wrist as it smacked the pavement, feel the blood coursing down her arms and hear the sounds of her feet pummeling the pavement as she made her way to... anywhere.
She wondered what Neo would feel like when the agents came for him. That was her last real thought before she awoke, another cold sweat taking hold of her body.
But watching Neo...
Each night would be the same. She found herself captivated in a way that was new to her. It wasn't in a way that kept her from looking away. Not in a way that made her think about him all the time. It was a part of him that stayed with her and made her feel chills all day. Made her begin eating again. Made her sleep more peaceful.
Still, she willed him away. Made herself believe that he was *not* the One, but at the same time... she hoped. She liked that he took special care when shaving but didn't when dressing. He would always leave with a rumpled tie and he would take at least ten minutes to find a misplaced shoe. Her eyes would wander away from the screen when he dressed and undressed, though a faint blush crept up onto her cheeks. Other than that, she betrayed no emotion while watching him. She liked that he helped his landlady take out her garbage and she liked that he would have a cup of coffee every morning with the homeless man on the corner.
The way he slept intrigued her, the way one side of his mouth would be the slightest bit open. His five o'clock shadow was much too prominent when he entered his apartment at the end of the day. His rumpled tie would be hastily discarded to the floor with one hand while the other turned on the monitor on his computer. Neo would sit down on his bed every day and put his head in hands. Sometimes he sat for minutes, sometimes longer. At times he would simply sit down in front of the screen and hack for hours. Sometimes he never ate. When he didn't Trinity would forego food unconsciously. She would wake unusually early and eat breakfast, just as he was waking to finish off the contents of day-old Chinese.
She remembers that once he nicked himself shaving. Wincing, he took a piece of toilet paper and applied it to the cut. Trinity had cringed... and Switch happened to notice. "'S a bitch ain't it?" Trinity would not meet her eyes.
"If he only knew what us women had to go through." Trinity replied quietly. Her eyes met the screen once more.
Switch laughed a bit. "That's not what I meant." There was silence for a moment. Apoc appeared and picked up his headset, seated himself. Switch looked to him briefly, his back turned. "And you know it."
Apoc had not turned around, but wore a look of sad longing on his face. Placing his headset on, he logged onto the system and began typing away. He was still there when she had fallen asleep in front of the monitor. When she awoke, Neo had already left for his day. She retreated to her cabin, feeling as empty as she had ever felt.
She could not love, it would put the safety of the crew at risk. Love was a weakness, it led to inattentiveness.
It had been two weeks before Morpheus claimed that it was time, time for Neo to be unplugged. Nervous anticipation filled Trinity as she stood at the rear of the group. After Morpheus's initial statement she had seemingly zoned out, her mind racing at a mile a minute. Her captain's voice brought her back to reality.
"Trinity, I want you to make contact."
She had tried to disguise the excitement that she felt, but again, Switch noticed. Raising an eyebrow, she bent her head and smiled. When she looked back up, Switch's gaze was as cold as it normally was. Trinity simply gave a curt nod and the group dispersed. Again, suppressing a smile she sat at her console, Morpheus looking over her should.
Her fingers moved slowly over the keys. 'Wake up Neo...' His eyes opened slowly in a way they never had before. She felt for a fleeting moment as if he sensed her, as if he were gazing straight at her. And for a moment the code got strange and then returned to normal.
'The Matrix has you...'
Trinity could feel the anticipation that was building within Morpheus. His breath had become slightly erratic. He was as excited as she. She closed her eyes and typed the next words.
'Follow the white rabbit.'
She laughed inside as he tried to understand what was happening. Would the One really question himself? She continued to doubt while another part of her fought to hope. He continued to try and shut down the 'program' that he assumed was running. His brows came together for a moment and then he sat slightly back.
"Knock-knock Neo..." And then he jumped. Morpheus pulled back, as did she; the rest was up to him. Trinity knew what she had to do before Morpheus could even open his mouth. She was going in.
There was always a particular rush that you felt when you got jacked in. It felt like a strange, intense rush in your head, building to a crescendo in a matter of a millisecond before you were in. Somehow, the feeling had multiplied as Trinity transported from the real world into the Matrix.
It took a few moments to make her way to the club. She took her time now, she was in no hurry. Switch and Apoc were to wait for her at the bridge. They had taken more precautions this time, searching for a clean connection, making positively sure that they couldn't be traced. Trinity was more confident than she had ever been before. She had exited the car without her jacket, donning only sleeveless leather. Apoc didn't seem to notice, but Switch did and gave her a knowing look through the passenger side window. Trinity didn't respond but turned on her heel and made her way across the wet pavement.
She had made sure that her thoughts were suppressed before she set foot inside the establishment. All business. On a mission.
Leaning against a crumbling wall, she watched him. He felt out of place, a loner as usual. Watching the world pass by in front of him and not really caring. She was attentive when a woman came up behind and studied him. It was only a brief glance before she moved into his field of vision and spoke to him. She was wearing all black, her hair done up in a strange contraction, but bright purple. Strikingly beautiful. Even Trinity could see it. The color rose in her cheeks, and Morpheus, watching the consoles back on board... could see it. It lit a spark of hope within him, but he was unaware why.
The woman had a come hither look on her face and Trinity was sure that she was making a coy attempt to pick up the man that Trinity herself sought. As the color began to subside in Trinity's cheeks, the color rose in Neo's. The woman leaned in close and he pulled away a bit. She whispered into his ear, but he pulled back more. Neo smiled politely but disengaged himself from the woman. A moment later she was walking off with a wounded look on her face. Neo turned back to the wall and lost himself once more in a private reverie. His eyes held more loss now than they ever had before.
Trinity took it upon herself to move into his view. Slowly. She checked herself and was composed. All business. All business. As usual. Just another potential. Just another failure. She was almost sure of it. Almost.
As she approached, he turned, just a bit. He sensed her. Time to act.
"Hello Neo."
Quickly, he tried to erase the sadness that had overcome him, but his words came out somewhat choked. He still would not look at her, but hid is face over his shoulder. He was cautious. She liked that too.
"How do you know that name?" His mouth, still hidden by his shoulder, caught her eye, but she pressed on.
"I know a lot about you." A lot. She knew a lot. She knew how he slept and how he liked his coffee. She knew the name of his Chinese deliveryman and that he called his mother every weekend just to check up. She knew his scent without ever having breathed it. She knew a lot more than she expected to know.
"Who are you?" He asked, turning, but not fully. More cautious than she had expected. No, she had not expected this, and it surprised her.
"My name is Trinity."
"Trinity... the Trinity that cracked the IRS-d database?" One and the same.
"That was a long time ago." She wanted to be remembered for better things now. She wanted to not be remembered at all.
"Jesus."
"What?" It was said somewhat flippantly, as if she knew what was coming.
"I just thought um... you were a guy."
And then she felt let down. Perhaps she had expected too much of him, even though she had trained herself to know nothing at all.
"Most guys do." She didn't think that he would. Then again, she hadn't really thought about it. That *had* be a long time ago. Ages. She almost smiled... almost.
And now he turned, arms folded in front of himself in a defensive posture. Not sure that he could yet trust her. A defense mechanism that she could have easily blown through if necessity had called for it. He was pale, paler in the bright and yet dim lights of the club. His voice sounded different, as he had to nearly shout to be heard over the pulsating music.
"That was you on my computer. How did you do that?" He looked astonished, as if he, as a hacker, could not be hacked in return. Again, Trinity's doubts returned full force. As if that was not to be expected. If a program could hack another program then surely a person could hack another person. Perhaps he didn't grasp the concept. Perhaps he didn't want to grasp the concept. She had no time to explain, she had already wasted time watching him.
"Right now, all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you."
"Of what?" He asked and yet he already knew.
"They're watching you Neo." They were watching him to delete him, to make sure that he did not cause a threat to their program. She was watching him in a different sort of way; different than the rest of the crew, different than the people he worked with. Different than everyone.
"Who is."
"Please just listen." She could not stand anymore, him knowing and yet not knowing. Leaning in, Trinity inhaled his scent for the briefest moment, realizing that she had smelled it countless times before. It registered in the back of her mind as a comforting smell, one that had come to her in her waking dreams. No time, she continued. "I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep. Why you live alone and night after night you sit at your computer-" She glanced at his face, briefly. "You're looking for him." Even as she talked, even as she felt the weight and the scale of the job that she had come here to do, she couldn't help but be affected with the close proximity. She looked past him, down at his neck. At the smooth expanse of skin there.
Breathe. Deep breaths.
"I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him, I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here." And again, her eyes were compelled to look at his skin. She wondered what it would look like with bolts in it. Wondered if it would still be captivating. "You know the question, just as I did."
"What is the Matrix?" His breath hit her shoulder in a hot rush. Unexpected. It caused a type of thrill to run through her that she had never felt before. She was too close not to be effected.
"The answer is out there Neo, it's looking for you, and it will find you. If you want it to." She was finished speaking, finished saying what she had gone there to say. Pulling back, she realized she was far too close. To pull away suddenly would be suspicious. Somehow, she knew that he was watching her as well. She heard the hitch in his voice when she had moved in. Brushing the thought aside, she met his eyes with her own and was taken aback by what she saw there. Something that she couldn't understand, she couldn't decipher. She had never seen it before, except in Switch's eyes. They were almost confused but held something deeper. Trinity had no more time to think about petty problems. After glancing at him once more, she walked away, feeling his eyes on her as she made her way through the throngs of people.
A primal feeling would wash over her now as she remembered feeling him for the first time. Smelling him for the first time.
Back aboard the ship, Trinity was still silent. She answered Morpheus's questions quickly and to the point, then retreated to her bunk. Could the crew see that she had had goose bumps? Could they see the way that he pupils had dilated?
The days and hours ahead were yet another test of her endurance. Trinity was sure that if she were to choose another profession, she would quite proficient as an actress. Her repression act didn't fly with Switch, who saw through every facade. She was sure that Cypher knew; he was always hinting about it. Every time she would be alone, he would show up and breathe hot breath down her neck, each time hoping for a different reaction.
She enjoyed watching him train, watching his reactions to the things he learned. Watching him become aggravated when he didn't jump high enough, kick hard enough. They all watched him train, and they were all stunned when he fought Morpheus, taking his endurance to the edge. It was a spectacular sight to behold, so beautiful and strong at the same time.
Mouse was stunned. "I can't believe it." Trinity had almost slipped up again, thinking and almost saying it. "I do."
And when he hadn't made the jump, she was only slightly disappointed, slightly hindered. Maybe it meant he wasn't the One and maybe he was. But she didn't hang around to share her views, she felt too vulnerable, too 'off-her-game.' So she left. She was out the door when she heard Cypher.
"Everyone falls the first time, right Trin?"
Again, Cypher was wrong, this wasn't the first time. This wasn't the first time that they had assumed that someone was the One. And this wasn't the first time that she had had feelings for someone aboard the ship. This was the first time, however, that her emotions were getting the best of her, getting so strong that they were becoming unable to control.
She did fall. She fell hard. She fell harder than Neo had fallen when he took that leap off of that building. She felt more than he felt and knew more than he knew. But it was irrelevant; her expectations were outweighing what she knew.
Trinity was pleasantly surprised with the ease with which they worked together. The way that they knew what the other was thinking, when something needed to be done. But it all seemed too simple, too... right. She didn't love him. She didn't love him for his purpose, or his deliberateness. Not for his passion or his good looks. Not for his persistence or for his compassion. She didn't love him for all of those reasons.
Trinity could not shake the habit of watching him sleep and would often slip out of her own cabin and into his. Hours would pass as she sat and watched him breathe. In, out, in, out. The way his face relaxed and his mouth softly parted. The way his hair would fall down in front of his closed eyes and she had to refrain from reaching out and tucking it back.
When she had seen him after he had consulted the Oracle, she thought she saw something different in his gaze. Did the Oracle prophesize something about her as well? Did she tell Neo that his purpose was not only to save Zion but also to love her, as she was to love him? Had the Oracle given him the news at all? It felt strange to ask him the news he had received even after he had asked her. Surely he couldn't...
Her nights were still plagued with sleeplessness. Sometimes, she would press her palm against the cold steel of her cabin and pretend that she could feel his life force projecting itself upon the wall. She imagined she could feel him, and he could feel her. Little did she know that he too was awake, haunted by the feeling that he was missing something vitally important.
She thought that she knew he was the One soon after he attempted to save Morpheus in the apartment building. At least, that's when she let on. She had known all along, had believed all along. It was difficult, to say the least, to try and pinpoint a time when she didn't love him. When she wasn't sure.
But Cypher, Cypher always new. He could tell when she looked him in the eye, which was seldom at best. Perhaps it was because Cypher loved her and believed that he knew her more completely than she knew herself. Though he knew that she was not in love with him, he continued to believe that he was in love with her, solely for the comfort factor that it brought him. It reminded him that he could feel. When Cypher would gaze at her, when she knew he was gazing at her, he could see.
Just for fun, just for sport, he toyed with her mind that day, that day in the television repair shop.
"Look in his eyes, those big, pretty eyes. And tell me. Yes or no."
She had, and he, not knowing what was happening raised his chin to make eye contact with her. Trinity's pupils had dilated and the tears that had been threatening to break the surface began to push at the barriers and her eyes became bloodshot. The salt stung, she hadn't cried in a very long time, and as she gazed at him, she saw the fear that was lying there. That was one thing that she had never seen in his eyes. Fear. Pupils dilated and dark, betraying his fear. Beautiful and pathetic and oh so human. He was pleading with her silently: 'I don't know what it is, but it's bad. Save me. Save us. I can't do it alone.' And then, right then, when he let her into his soul...
Breathe.
"Yes."
But Switch and Apoc were dead. She couldn't help but feel angry with him. All this was happening because of him.
After all of it, each of them knew and stared at each other. Trinity was sure that she should say something, but did not. The tension was almost palpable. He had wanted to reach out to her and she to him, but they stood motionless, both weighing the situation. Her mind through the possibilities, the outcomes of the situation. If they were to die at that moment, what would that say about the prophecy? Did it matter? Did it really matter if she loved him that much?
She went in first, and he had followed and back aboard the ship. Trinity had tried to convince herself that nothing had happened. She did not want to face the fact that her reserve was slipping, it was chipping, and she was allowing her emotions to falter. She also began to realize that back aboard the ship it was harder for her to hide her emotions because she was so much more human. On the ship she was a female, a female with yearnings. While in the Matrix she had a mission, a mission much more important than her duties on the ship.
And then, things had gone by so quickly. Djoser was dead. She didn't have enough time to comprehend the situation. Neo wanted to go back in and save Morpheus. It was all too much, too much too quickly. It was far too hard to try and keep her feelings in check and attempt to make him to stay.
"Morpheus sacrificed himself so that we could get you out. There is no way you're going back in."
"Morpheus did what he did because he believed that I'm something I'm not."
"What?"
"I'm not the One, Trinity. The Oracle admitted that too."
"No, you have to be." He had to be. This feeling wasn't false. It shouldn't feel like he was tearing her insides apart every second of every day if this was all just another dream.
"I'm sorry. I'm not, I'm just another guy."
"No Neo, that's not true, it can't be true." But don't ask me why, don't ask me why because then I'll have to tell you. She thought it just as he said it.
"Why?"
He was off, and she was following him again. Blindly. She knew she might die, knew how dangerous it was... but she followed. He had somehow made her believe. It filled her chest with hope and trepidation but still... she followed.
Then they were inside, and another whirlwind. Another instance of her taking backburner for a brief moment until they both fell in synch with each other. Playing off of each other's actions like it was fluid fate. His landing on the ground just as she took off into the air. His knowing when she needed backup, when there was a gun trained on her. He would shoot and she would shoot and they would fall. There was no noise, and no thinking. Just knowing. Agents falling and morphing... and it was a whirlwind.
Breathe. Think.
It was as if they were two very important halves to an integral whole. And after he was shot, after she had seen what she knew he could do, she almost smiled at him. Had he ever seen her smile? She supposed he hadn't, so she didn't.
And then, then he had asked her if she could fly the helicopter. What a question. Could she fly a helicopter. She guessed that coming from anyone else the question would have been a command. As usual, she kicked into warrior mode and did what she had to do. She called Tank and got an upload for the helicopter and flew the mass of metal straight to the floor that Morpheus was on.
Then... Neo did what he had to do.
He saved the world.
He saved her. Knowing full well that if he tried he might die. He held onto the cloth rope that was attached to the helicopter and he didn't let go. As Trinity flew through the air, she speculated. Would she make it? Did she have to make it because she loved him?
She was waiting to see it in his eyes.
And once again, there they were. Together but utterly alone. Were they trying to find refuge in the other's eyes? The other's mind? The other's heart? There was so much unsaid, so much left to say that it bore a load down on the both of them. She wanted to feel, wanted to taste his lips. She thought that if she did, she would know the truth. Somehow the truth might lie within his kiss. It was fruitless, she thought of all of the things that they could have if he was not the One and she was not his betrothed. But it was fruitless.
Morpheus came up to them and spoke to Neo, but she did not hear a thing. A sad smile played upon her lips as she gazed at him, and then a depressed longing settled in the pit of her stomach. She would not have what she was meant to have. It would hurt too much. It would feel too wonderful. Once the three of them were together again, she reminded herself that they were a unit, the three of them. Not a team, not a duo, not a... a... couple. Nothing more than detached coworkers.
Her brain began to play out unlikely scenarios and she began to get weary of the back and forth thinking that her mind was doing for her. She loved him, she didn't. She felt for him, she didn't. She wanted to know and then didn't. The feeling that overrode all of the others was the feeling that she should just choose. That was one thing that she could do as a human- choose.
The faint sounds of heels hitting the pavement as they ran. The blur of the passing buildings and the sting of the cool, simulated air as it whipped her skin. It felt fresh and new, invigorating. At the same time it made her feel cheap and fake, made her long for the comfort of her dank ship. Made her wonder about the comfort of his arms...
The light of the train station was dim and made it hard for her to see his eyes. The thoughts that came to play full force in her mind made Morphues' figure being uploaded seem like a distant blur. Somewhere miles away, she heard Morpheus leave them, but all of her senses were focused on the man who stood in front of her.
And suddenly all of the feelings and emotions that she had locked up down deep rushed to the surface. "Neo I want to say something, but I don't know what it will mean if I do. Everything that the Oracle has said has come true. Except for this." She wasn't sure, again, her mind was clouded and she wasn't sure that this was how it was supposed to happen. In fact, she wasn't sure if she would ever know when the right moment would be. The time, it just didn't feel right.
Say it, say it while you can. Don't pick up the phone. Don't look at it. And yet her hand reached over and lifted the phone out of its cradle. Placing it to her ear, she looked over at him, not wanting to go but unable to stay. Just as the bullet flew at her face she knew, woke up, and insisted that she go back in. It was clear that she should have said what was on her mind, it was obviously impossible to go back now.
Was it inevitable? If he was the One, and he died in the Matrix, what did that mean for her? What did that mean for the Oracle?
And then, just for a moment, it all went straight to hell. A series of moments stretched out over eternity. She wanted to cry, and watched as he died, and just for a moment, for a moment, her heart stopped. It stopped beating, stopped living.
She was unable to deny what she knew now, deny what was her destiny. She loved him and that *meant* he was the One. Not the other way around. Inevitably it meant that if he was the One, he was not meant to die. He had a prophecy to fulfill, and so much to teach her.
Morpheus, at that instant when Neo's heart stopped beating, flinched in his unwavering beliefs. Trinity did not. She wasn't afraid anymore, she wasn't afraid to love and be loved in return. Something positively fantastic had changed within her. She no longer needed to believe that she had to prove herself. She already had.
"Neo I'm not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love. And that that man, the man that I loved would be the One. So you see? You can't be dead. You can't be. Because I love you. You hear me? I love you."
As soon as the words had escaped her lips an amazing weight was lifted off of her chest.
It was like taking a deep breath and getting a sudden rush from the cool air that your lungs encountered. Impossibly, he lifted himself back up and was reborn. She could feel the tension draining from his body as he stood up and faced his enemies. At that moment, she felt as if she were standing there with him, holding herself up to them through his strength and courage.
Even as the sentinels had torn through the hull of the ship and ravaged the steel, she stood beside him. Holding him, and feeling the blood pump forcefully under his skin she was renewed as well, and finally felt as if she truly knew where she belonged, truly knew where she was meant to stand. She was meant to stand beside him. No behind him and not in front of him, but beside him always.
The weight of the situation pressed upon her and she called out his name as loud as she could. Sensing her, he rushed to the phone and again the next moments were a flurry of action. Tank blew the EMP and as she realized what was happening, she threw herself over Neo, hiding her face in his neck. As she waited, those intense seconds, she breathed in his scent as her nose was pressed to his pulse point. She could feel his blood rush to and from his heart and knew he was alive.
As her head had lifted, she knew that she would have to face the inevitable. She would have to acknowledge the fact that she had let the truth out and could not take it back, no matter how difficult it was to deal with.
But her eyes were drawn down to his and they centered her. They brought her back to reality and made her realize that it wasn't difficult to deal with. It was rather simple. It was as simple as the slide of his palm against the nape of her neck. It was as liquid as her fingers trailing over his pale cheek. It was all as perfectly natural as his lips meeting hers and the sigh she released when they came together.
She had lost nothing of herself by taking him. He had lost nothing. They had both gained the strength of the other. They had both gained the knowledge that there was hope, there was love and that they did have a chance. The fear was gone, the trepidation, the wonder of whether she would be strong if she chose at moments to be weak.
The thoughts came and went as she continued to kiss him. The thoughts came and went as Tank and Morpheus came and went.
The thoughts came and went and she discovered that finally- she could breathe.
-And done! Yay! Thanks to Katherine the mostest for helping me write this.-
Author: ScullyAsTrinity
Rated: R, some words and other schtuff.
Category: Angst, Romance
Characters: Trinity, Neo, Morpheus, Cypher... ect, ect...
Summary: We take a long look inside Trinity's head, in fact, we pretty much follow her throughout the whole Matrix! Woot!
"You take the blue pill the story ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." Katherine: "Or was it the other way around? SHIT!" So then Neo goes, "Wow, this is like deja vu." and Morpheus is all like, "It's happened before, I gave you the wrong fucking pill."
After watching Revisited while watching The Matrix... Katherine, imitating Morpheus: By the way Neo did I mention I was in Apocalypse Now?
Sorry Dan but, "she marveled at the intensity in his eyes as he mercilessly slaughtered the lobby guards" will not be featured in this piece.
***All of my thanks go out to Katherine and Lesley on this one. Kat, She really REALLY helped me through the writer's block. THANKS EVER SO MUCH! EY, THANKS FOR THE BETA BABE!***
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Sometimes, in the middle of her shift, she would watch him. That's how it began.
That's when her carefully crafted bravado began to chip away. It was when her facade began to slip and she had to fight to keep it in place. She always prevailed to get back to where she was supposed to be, to the right frame of mind... but for a momentary slip.
She was afraid, afraid to fall in love.
From the beginning they had all believed that he was simply another potential. Another waste of time, as so many others had been. Trinity had been the most skeptical, as not to get her hopes up. Deep down, past the places where she put the thoughts that she didn't want to think. Past the hate and the longing... she put him. She put the hope that she had that he was the One.
From the beginning she chastised herself, knew that she would not feel what she was supposed to feel. When the Oracle had told her the prophecy, she was at first angry. Upset that her emotions were somehow pre-destined. After many months of searching, she was certain that they would never find the One and that the prophecy was somehow misinterpreted. Then... they found Thomas Anderson. Or Thomas Anderson found them.
The first night left her feeling a bit uneasy with herself. Her eyes were more aware, her actions more attentive. It left her questioning the initial question and the initial answer. She suppressed the fluttering in her stomach and attributed it to her lack of sleep, lack of dinner... anything but what she knew it might be. Still, she kept telling herself that he was not the One, he couldn't be. How could someone so out of touch be the One? How could someone who never woke up on time, someone who always spilled soy sauce on his shirt... be the sole being who would save Zion? She thought it completely unlikely and refused to get her hopes up.
She forced herself to take deep breaths. Breathe, breathe.
The first week was a test of endurance and suppression. By the second week she had become and expert at hiding her true motives... her motives for taking Cypher's late shift. Late at night, she could think while he was dreaming. She wished she could see the things that his mind simulated for him. What did he think about when he slept, were his visions as vivid as hers? Did he feel things... things he couldn't explain? Could he sense her watching him?
Her thoughts would always be severed before they could run away from her. She would get herself in check before Djoser came to take his shift. The module would always be set back in its original position, and not just inches from his face where she was content to watch from. She would always have the same answer for Djoser when he asked: "Nothing." Trinity would retire to her bunk and think for a few moments before falling into a light sleep.
In sleep, she recalled what she had been like before being unplugged. Vaguely like Neo. She had a family, an apartment... a bounty on her head. She had no friends, being the type to second guess every action and word that they presented her with. She refused to get close to anyone, for fear of letting her guard down and endangering herself. She remembers when she stopped living for other and started living for herself. By herself. Searching, every day.
She recalled the days before she was unplugged, when she would run and be winded. When she would run and sweat.
In her memories she remembered the cold sweat that broke out over her when she logged onto one of her non-descript computers only to find that her hack had worked... and that she had only thirty seconds to download the data. She cursed her forgetfulness and vowed to be more attentive, more dedicated... and she proceeded to download all of the information onto disk and erase all traces that she had been in the database. She remembers the ten o'clock news and the word spreading that the IRS-d database had been hacked into. That's when she knew that the world was not for her. That was when she began her search.
Her search did not take long, for Morpheus contacted her the next day, and she was unplugged on the one after that.
But she still remembers the agents after her. After her like she was sure they would be after Neo. She remembers spotting them at the end of the hallway and darting past her professor's office and into a laboratory room. She can still feel the bewildered eyes of her fellow students as she rushed past. She can still feel the shards of glass cutting through her skin as she burst through the second story window. She can surely still head the crunch of her wrist as it smacked the pavement, feel the blood coursing down her arms and hear the sounds of her feet pummeling the pavement as she made her way to... anywhere.
She wondered what Neo would feel like when the agents came for him. That was her last real thought before she awoke, another cold sweat taking hold of her body.
But watching Neo...
Each night would be the same. She found herself captivated in a way that was new to her. It wasn't in a way that kept her from looking away. Not in a way that made her think about him all the time. It was a part of him that stayed with her and made her feel chills all day. Made her begin eating again. Made her sleep more peaceful.
Still, she willed him away. Made herself believe that he was *not* the One, but at the same time... she hoped. She liked that he took special care when shaving but didn't when dressing. He would always leave with a rumpled tie and he would take at least ten minutes to find a misplaced shoe. Her eyes would wander away from the screen when he dressed and undressed, though a faint blush crept up onto her cheeks. Other than that, she betrayed no emotion while watching him. She liked that he helped his landlady take out her garbage and she liked that he would have a cup of coffee every morning with the homeless man on the corner.
The way he slept intrigued her, the way one side of his mouth would be the slightest bit open. His five o'clock shadow was much too prominent when he entered his apartment at the end of the day. His rumpled tie would be hastily discarded to the floor with one hand while the other turned on the monitor on his computer. Neo would sit down on his bed every day and put his head in hands. Sometimes he sat for minutes, sometimes longer. At times he would simply sit down in front of the screen and hack for hours. Sometimes he never ate. When he didn't Trinity would forego food unconsciously. She would wake unusually early and eat breakfast, just as he was waking to finish off the contents of day-old Chinese.
She remembers that once he nicked himself shaving. Wincing, he took a piece of toilet paper and applied it to the cut. Trinity had cringed... and Switch happened to notice. "'S a bitch ain't it?" Trinity would not meet her eyes.
"If he only knew what us women had to go through." Trinity replied quietly. Her eyes met the screen once more.
Switch laughed a bit. "That's not what I meant." There was silence for a moment. Apoc appeared and picked up his headset, seated himself. Switch looked to him briefly, his back turned. "And you know it."
Apoc had not turned around, but wore a look of sad longing on his face. Placing his headset on, he logged onto the system and began typing away. He was still there when she had fallen asleep in front of the monitor. When she awoke, Neo had already left for his day. She retreated to her cabin, feeling as empty as she had ever felt.
She could not love, it would put the safety of the crew at risk. Love was a weakness, it led to inattentiveness.
It had been two weeks before Morpheus claimed that it was time, time for Neo to be unplugged. Nervous anticipation filled Trinity as she stood at the rear of the group. After Morpheus's initial statement she had seemingly zoned out, her mind racing at a mile a minute. Her captain's voice brought her back to reality.
"Trinity, I want you to make contact."
She had tried to disguise the excitement that she felt, but again, Switch noticed. Raising an eyebrow, she bent her head and smiled. When she looked back up, Switch's gaze was as cold as it normally was. Trinity simply gave a curt nod and the group dispersed. Again, suppressing a smile she sat at her console, Morpheus looking over her should.
Her fingers moved slowly over the keys. 'Wake up Neo...' His eyes opened slowly in a way they never had before. She felt for a fleeting moment as if he sensed her, as if he were gazing straight at her. And for a moment the code got strange and then returned to normal.
'The Matrix has you...'
Trinity could feel the anticipation that was building within Morpheus. His breath had become slightly erratic. He was as excited as she. She closed her eyes and typed the next words.
'Follow the white rabbit.'
She laughed inside as he tried to understand what was happening. Would the One really question himself? She continued to doubt while another part of her fought to hope. He continued to try and shut down the 'program' that he assumed was running. His brows came together for a moment and then he sat slightly back.
"Knock-knock Neo..." And then he jumped. Morpheus pulled back, as did she; the rest was up to him. Trinity knew what she had to do before Morpheus could even open his mouth. She was going in.
There was always a particular rush that you felt when you got jacked in. It felt like a strange, intense rush in your head, building to a crescendo in a matter of a millisecond before you were in. Somehow, the feeling had multiplied as Trinity transported from the real world into the Matrix.
It took a few moments to make her way to the club. She took her time now, she was in no hurry. Switch and Apoc were to wait for her at the bridge. They had taken more precautions this time, searching for a clean connection, making positively sure that they couldn't be traced. Trinity was more confident than she had ever been before. She had exited the car without her jacket, donning only sleeveless leather. Apoc didn't seem to notice, but Switch did and gave her a knowing look through the passenger side window. Trinity didn't respond but turned on her heel and made her way across the wet pavement.
She had made sure that her thoughts were suppressed before she set foot inside the establishment. All business. On a mission.
Leaning against a crumbling wall, she watched him. He felt out of place, a loner as usual. Watching the world pass by in front of him and not really caring. She was attentive when a woman came up behind and studied him. It was only a brief glance before she moved into his field of vision and spoke to him. She was wearing all black, her hair done up in a strange contraction, but bright purple. Strikingly beautiful. Even Trinity could see it. The color rose in her cheeks, and Morpheus, watching the consoles back on board... could see it. It lit a spark of hope within him, but he was unaware why.
The woman had a come hither look on her face and Trinity was sure that she was making a coy attempt to pick up the man that Trinity herself sought. As the color began to subside in Trinity's cheeks, the color rose in Neo's. The woman leaned in close and he pulled away a bit. She whispered into his ear, but he pulled back more. Neo smiled politely but disengaged himself from the woman. A moment later she was walking off with a wounded look on her face. Neo turned back to the wall and lost himself once more in a private reverie. His eyes held more loss now than they ever had before.
Trinity took it upon herself to move into his view. Slowly. She checked herself and was composed. All business. All business. As usual. Just another potential. Just another failure. She was almost sure of it. Almost.
As she approached, he turned, just a bit. He sensed her. Time to act.
"Hello Neo."
Quickly, he tried to erase the sadness that had overcome him, but his words came out somewhat choked. He still would not look at her, but hid is face over his shoulder. He was cautious. She liked that too.
"How do you know that name?" His mouth, still hidden by his shoulder, caught her eye, but she pressed on.
"I know a lot about you." A lot. She knew a lot. She knew how he slept and how he liked his coffee. She knew the name of his Chinese deliveryman and that he called his mother every weekend just to check up. She knew his scent without ever having breathed it. She knew a lot more than she expected to know.
"Who are you?" He asked, turning, but not fully. More cautious than she had expected. No, she had not expected this, and it surprised her.
"My name is Trinity."
"Trinity... the Trinity that cracked the IRS-d database?" One and the same.
"That was a long time ago." She wanted to be remembered for better things now. She wanted to not be remembered at all.
"Jesus."
"What?" It was said somewhat flippantly, as if she knew what was coming.
"I just thought um... you were a guy."
And then she felt let down. Perhaps she had expected too much of him, even though she had trained herself to know nothing at all.
"Most guys do." She didn't think that he would. Then again, she hadn't really thought about it. That *had* be a long time ago. Ages. She almost smiled... almost.
And now he turned, arms folded in front of himself in a defensive posture. Not sure that he could yet trust her. A defense mechanism that she could have easily blown through if necessity had called for it. He was pale, paler in the bright and yet dim lights of the club. His voice sounded different, as he had to nearly shout to be heard over the pulsating music.
"That was you on my computer. How did you do that?" He looked astonished, as if he, as a hacker, could not be hacked in return. Again, Trinity's doubts returned full force. As if that was not to be expected. If a program could hack another program then surely a person could hack another person. Perhaps he didn't grasp the concept. Perhaps he didn't want to grasp the concept. She had no time to explain, she had already wasted time watching him.
"Right now, all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you."
"Of what?" He asked and yet he already knew.
"They're watching you Neo." They were watching him to delete him, to make sure that he did not cause a threat to their program. She was watching him in a different sort of way; different than the rest of the crew, different than the people he worked with. Different than everyone.
"Who is."
"Please just listen." She could not stand anymore, him knowing and yet not knowing. Leaning in, Trinity inhaled his scent for the briefest moment, realizing that she had smelled it countless times before. It registered in the back of her mind as a comforting smell, one that had come to her in her waking dreams. No time, she continued. "I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep. Why you live alone and night after night you sit at your computer-" She glanced at his face, briefly. "You're looking for him." Even as she talked, even as she felt the weight and the scale of the job that she had come here to do, she couldn't help but be affected with the close proximity. She looked past him, down at his neck. At the smooth expanse of skin there.
Breathe. Deep breaths.
"I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him, I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here." And again, her eyes were compelled to look at his skin. She wondered what it would look like with bolts in it. Wondered if it would still be captivating. "You know the question, just as I did."
"What is the Matrix?" His breath hit her shoulder in a hot rush. Unexpected. It caused a type of thrill to run through her that she had never felt before. She was too close not to be effected.
"The answer is out there Neo, it's looking for you, and it will find you. If you want it to." She was finished speaking, finished saying what she had gone there to say. Pulling back, she realized she was far too close. To pull away suddenly would be suspicious. Somehow, she knew that he was watching her as well. She heard the hitch in his voice when she had moved in. Brushing the thought aside, she met his eyes with her own and was taken aback by what she saw there. Something that she couldn't understand, she couldn't decipher. She had never seen it before, except in Switch's eyes. They were almost confused but held something deeper. Trinity had no more time to think about petty problems. After glancing at him once more, she walked away, feeling his eyes on her as she made her way through the throngs of people.
A primal feeling would wash over her now as she remembered feeling him for the first time. Smelling him for the first time.
Back aboard the ship, Trinity was still silent. She answered Morpheus's questions quickly and to the point, then retreated to her bunk. Could the crew see that she had had goose bumps? Could they see the way that he pupils had dilated?
The days and hours ahead were yet another test of her endurance. Trinity was sure that if she were to choose another profession, she would quite proficient as an actress. Her repression act didn't fly with Switch, who saw through every facade. She was sure that Cypher knew; he was always hinting about it. Every time she would be alone, he would show up and breathe hot breath down her neck, each time hoping for a different reaction.
She enjoyed watching him train, watching his reactions to the things he learned. Watching him become aggravated when he didn't jump high enough, kick hard enough. They all watched him train, and they were all stunned when he fought Morpheus, taking his endurance to the edge. It was a spectacular sight to behold, so beautiful and strong at the same time.
Mouse was stunned. "I can't believe it." Trinity had almost slipped up again, thinking and almost saying it. "I do."
And when he hadn't made the jump, she was only slightly disappointed, slightly hindered. Maybe it meant he wasn't the One and maybe he was. But she didn't hang around to share her views, she felt too vulnerable, too 'off-her-game.' So she left. She was out the door when she heard Cypher.
"Everyone falls the first time, right Trin?"
Again, Cypher was wrong, this wasn't the first time. This wasn't the first time that they had assumed that someone was the One. And this wasn't the first time that she had had feelings for someone aboard the ship. This was the first time, however, that her emotions were getting the best of her, getting so strong that they were becoming unable to control.
She did fall. She fell hard. She fell harder than Neo had fallen when he took that leap off of that building. She felt more than he felt and knew more than he knew. But it was irrelevant; her expectations were outweighing what she knew.
Trinity was pleasantly surprised with the ease with which they worked together. The way that they knew what the other was thinking, when something needed to be done. But it all seemed too simple, too... right. She didn't love him. She didn't love him for his purpose, or his deliberateness. Not for his passion or his good looks. Not for his persistence or for his compassion. She didn't love him for all of those reasons.
Trinity could not shake the habit of watching him sleep and would often slip out of her own cabin and into his. Hours would pass as she sat and watched him breathe. In, out, in, out. The way his face relaxed and his mouth softly parted. The way his hair would fall down in front of his closed eyes and she had to refrain from reaching out and tucking it back.
When she had seen him after he had consulted the Oracle, she thought she saw something different in his gaze. Did the Oracle prophesize something about her as well? Did she tell Neo that his purpose was not only to save Zion but also to love her, as she was to love him? Had the Oracle given him the news at all? It felt strange to ask him the news he had received even after he had asked her. Surely he couldn't...
Her nights were still plagued with sleeplessness. Sometimes, she would press her palm against the cold steel of her cabin and pretend that she could feel his life force projecting itself upon the wall. She imagined she could feel him, and he could feel her. Little did she know that he too was awake, haunted by the feeling that he was missing something vitally important.
She thought that she knew he was the One soon after he attempted to save Morpheus in the apartment building. At least, that's when she let on. She had known all along, had believed all along. It was difficult, to say the least, to try and pinpoint a time when she didn't love him. When she wasn't sure.
But Cypher, Cypher always new. He could tell when she looked him in the eye, which was seldom at best. Perhaps it was because Cypher loved her and believed that he knew her more completely than she knew herself. Though he knew that she was not in love with him, he continued to believe that he was in love with her, solely for the comfort factor that it brought him. It reminded him that he could feel. When Cypher would gaze at her, when she knew he was gazing at her, he could see.
Just for fun, just for sport, he toyed with her mind that day, that day in the television repair shop.
"Look in his eyes, those big, pretty eyes. And tell me. Yes or no."
She had, and he, not knowing what was happening raised his chin to make eye contact with her. Trinity's pupils had dilated and the tears that had been threatening to break the surface began to push at the barriers and her eyes became bloodshot. The salt stung, she hadn't cried in a very long time, and as she gazed at him, she saw the fear that was lying there. That was one thing that she had never seen in his eyes. Fear. Pupils dilated and dark, betraying his fear. Beautiful and pathetic and oh so human. He was pleading with her silently: 'I don't know what it is, but it's bad. Save me. Save us. I can't do it alone.' And then, right then, when he let her into his soul...
Breathe.
"Yes."
But Switch and Apoc were dead. She couldn't help but feel angry with him. All this was happening because of him.
After all of it, each of them knew and stared at each other. Trinity was sure that she should say something, but did not. The tension was almost palpable. He had wanted to reach out to her and she to him, but they stood motionless, both weighing the situation. Her mind through the possibilities, the outcomes of the situation. If they were to die at that moment, what would that say about the prophecy? Did it matter? Did it really matter if she loved him that much?
She went in first, and he had followed and back aboard the ship. Trinity had tried to convince herself that nothing had happened. She did not want to face the fact that her reserve was slipping, it was chipping, and she was allowing her emotions to falter. She also began to realize that back aboard the ship it was harder for her to hide her emotions because she was so much more human. On the ship she was a female, a female with yearnings. While in the Matrix she had a mission, a mission much more important than her duties on the ship.
And then, things had gone by so quickly. Djoser was dead. She didn't have enough time to comprehend the situation. Neo wanted to go back in and save Morpheus. It was all too much, too much too quickly. It was far too hard to try and keep her feelings in check and attempt to make him to stay.
"Morpheus sacrificed himself so that we could get you out. There is no way you're going back in."
"Morpheus did what he did because he believed that I'm something I'm not."
"What?"
"I'm not the One, Trinity. The Oracle admitted that too."
"No, you have to be." He had to be. This feeling wasn't false. It shouldn't feel like he was tearing her insides apart every second of every day if this was all just another dream.
"I'm sorry. I'm not, I'm just another guy."
"No Neo, that's not true, it can't be true." But don't ask me why, don't ask me why because then I'll have to tell you. She thought it just as he said it.
"Why?"
He was off, and she was following him again. Blindly. She knew she might die, knew how dangerous it was... but she followed. He had somehow made her believe. It filled her chest with hope and trepidation but still... she followed.
Then they were inside, and another whirlwind. Another instance of her taking backburner for a brief moment until they both fell in synch with each other. Playing off of each other's actions like it was fluid fate. His landing on the ground just as she took off into the air. His knowing when she needed backup, when there was a gun trained on her. He would shoot and she would shoot and they would fall. There was no noise, and no thinking. Just knowing. Agents falling and morphing... and it was a whirlwind.
Breathe. Think.
It was as if they were two very important halves to an integral whole. And after he was shot, after she had seen what she knew he could do, she almost smiled at him. Had he ever seen her smile? She supposed he hadn't, so she didn't.
And then, then he had asked her if she could fly the helicopter. What a question. Could she fly a helicopter. She guessed that coming from anyone else the question would have been a command. As usual, she kicked into warrior mode and did what she had to do. She called Tank and got an upload for the helicopter and flew the mass of metal straight to the floor that Morpheus was on.
Then... Neo did what he had to do.
He saved the world.
He saved her. Knowing full well that if he tried he might die. He held onto the cloth rope that was attached to the helicopter and he didn't let go. As Trinity flew through the air, she speculated. Would she make it? Did she have to make it because she loved him?
She was waiting to see it in his eyes.
And once again, there they were. Together but utterly alone. Were they trying to find refuge in the other's eyes? The other's mind? The other's heart? There was so much unsaid, so much left to say that it bore a load down on the both of them. She wanted to feel, wanted to taste his lips. She thought that if she did, she would know the truth. Somehow the truth might lie within his kiss. It was fruitless, she thought of all of the things that they could have if he was not the One and she was not his betrothed. But it was fruitless.
Morpheus came up to them and spoke to Neo, but she did not hear a thing. A sad smile played upon her lips as she gazed at him, and then a depressed longing settled in the pit of her stomach. She would not have what she was meant to have. It would hurt too much. It would feel too wonderful. Once the three of them were together again, she reminded herself that they were a unit, the three of them. Not a team, not a duo, not a... a... couple. Nothing more than detached coworkers.
Her brain began to play out unlikely scenarios and she began to get weary of the back and forth thinking that her mind was doing for her. She loved him, she didn't. She felt for him, she didn't. She wanted to know and then didn't. The feeling that overrode all of the others was the feeling that she should just choose. That was one thing that she could do as a human- choose.
The faint sounds of heels hitting the pavement as they ran. The blur of the passing buildings and the sting of the cool, simulated air as it whipped her skin. It felt fresh and new, invigorating. At the same time it made her feel cheap and fake, made her long for the comfort of her dank ship. Made her wonder about the comfort of his arms...
The light of the train station was dim and made it hard for her to see his eyes. The thoughts that came to play full force in her mind made Morphues' figure being uploaded seem like a distant blur. Somewhere miles away, she heard Morpheus leave them, but all of her senses were focused on the man who stood in front of her.
And suddenly all of the feelings and emotions that she had locked up down deep rushed to the surface. "Neo I want to say something, but I don't know what it will mean if I do. Everything that the Oracle has said has come true. Except for this." She wasn't sure, again, her mind was clouded and she wasn't sure that this was how it was supposed to happen. In fact, she wasn't sure if she would ever know when the right moment would be. The time, it just didn't feel right.
Say it, say it while you can. Don't pick up the phone. Don't look at it. And yet her hand reached over and lifted the phone out of its cradle. Placing it to her ear, she looked over at him, not wanting to go but unable to stay. Just as the bullet flew at her face she knew, woke up, and insisted that she go back in. It was clear that she should have said what was on her mind, it was obviously impossible to go back now.
Was it inevitable? If he was the One, and he died in the Matrix, what did that mean for her? What did that mean for the Oracle?
And then, just for a moment, it all went straight to hell. A series of moments stretched out over eternity. She wanted to cry, and watched as he died, and just for a moment, for a moment, her heart stopped. It stopped beating, stopped living.
She was unable to deny what she knew now, deny what was her destiny. She loved him and that *meant* he was the One. Not the other way around. Inevitably it meant that if he was the One, he was not meant to die. He had a prophecy to fulfill, and so much to teach her.
Morpheus, at that instant when Neo's heart stopped beating, flinched in his unwavering beliefs. Trinity did not. She wasn't afraid anymore, she wasn't afraid to love and be loved in return. Something positively fantastic had changed within her. She no longer needed to believe that she had to prove herself. She already had.
"Neo I'm not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love. And that that man, the man that I loved would be the One. So you see? You can't be dead. You can't be. Because I love you. You hear me? I love you."
As soon as the words had escaped her lips an amazing weight was lifted off of her chest.
It was like taking a deep breath and getting a sudden rush from the cool air that your lungs encountered. Impossibly, he lifted himself back up and was reborn. She could feel the tension draining from his body as he stood up and faced his enemies. At that moment, she felt as if she were standing there with him, holding herself up to them through his strength and courage.
Even as the sentinels had torn through the hull of the ship and ravaged the steel, she stood beside him. Holding him, and feeling the blood pump forcefully under his skin she was renewed as well, and finally felt as if she truly knew where she belonged, truly knew where she was meant to stand. She was meant to stand beside him. No behind him and not in front of him, but beside him always.
The weight of the situation pressed upon her and she called out his name as loud as she could. Sensing her, he rushed to the phone and again the next moments were a flurry of action. Tank blew the EMP and as she realized what was happening, she threw herself over Neo, hiding her face in his neck. As she waited, those intense seconds, she breathed in his scent as her nose was pressed to his pulse point. She could feel his blood rush to and from his heart and knew he was alive.
As her head had lifted, she knew that she would have to face the inevitable. She would have to acknowledge the fact that she had let the truth out and could not take it back, no matter how difficult it was to deal with.
But her eyes were drawn down to his and they centered her. They brought her back to reality and made her realize that it wasn't difficult to deal with. It was rather simple. It was as simple as the slide of his palm against the nape of her neck. It was as liquid as her fingers trailing over his pale cheek. It was all as perfectly natural as his lips meeting hers and the sigh she released when they came together.
She had lost nothing of herself by taking him. He had lost nothing. They had both gained the strength of the other. They had both gained the knowledge that there was hope, there was love and that they did have a chance. The fear was gone, the trepidation, the wonder of whether she would be strong if she chose at moments to be weak.
The thoughts came and went as she continued to kiss him. The thoughts came and went as Tank and Morpheus came and went.
The thoughts came and went and she discovered that finally- she could breathe.
-And done! Yay! Thanks to Katherine the mostest for helping me write this.-