~ A letter from Severus ~ The Letter
Summary: Inspired by WIKKT and my brother's dark humor. Hermione receives a letter from Severus on Christmas Eve Morning. Expressing his point of view on one of the world's most famous Christmas characters. It's HG/SS only Fic.
AN: This is a real letter that my brother wrote three years ago; I have his blessed permission to spread the 'joy.' This fits Snape's humor; I had to tweak it so that it would form the world of Harry Potter.
Dear Miss Granger,
I have recently become acquainted with your muggle traditions, as it is Christmas time again and has been my tradition for the past um-teen years to write a little Christmas narrative to help express me the overwhelming dearth of happiness collected, horded, over a year of non-Christmas time. As is my custom, Ilike to reflect upon the holiday and it's underpinnings of mutual respect,peace, love and happiness. God bless us, everyone.
So, without further adieu, I need to speak to you all about a serious problem. A grave issue…something that you should not and cannot ignore. Be wary...
I present
to you, the evidence. As
Muggles are first introduced the spirit of Christmas through ajolly fat
criminal that specializes in breaking and entering through unsuspecting
domiciles and gorging himself on cookies and milk.
The
fat dude's cookie and milk addiction is so horribly consuming,
corrupting, that compulsively, slavishly, he goes from house to house,
until all the houses of the earth with kids (the ageist bastard) have
been raided and his addiction satiated until the next year.
One might think that this is not so bad ... stealing cookiesand milk,
but a further look into this 'jolly ole soul' reveals a deeper and
maddening evil. Santa, the CIA spookand
his black ops specialists, the 'elves.' This
underground spy network reportedly keeps tabs on all sorts of Christmas
dissidents, placing their names on a watchdog list unofficially termed
the 'naughty kid' list. These kids are
delivered warnings of 'coal' when Santa breaks in their house to obtain
a moments 'sprinkled' bliss.
In times past, Santa had a helped called Knept Rupreckt, who used to
bring switches so that the parents (co-conspirators in this strange
man's fascist regime) could beat these little dissidents into being
placed on the 'good' list. In the worst
case,
when a kid would not 'listen to reason', Knept would kidnap said kid to
be taken for re-education in the Santa-gulag to be taught how to be
proper citizen in Santa's world order. After
several sanctions by the UN, the disappearance of kids as a practice by
Santa was stopped. Although there are some unconfirmed reports of
missing kids every year on the night of the 25th. Santa
denies all involvement.
"The evil that is Santa seems to have no bounds," says Dr.John
Pipperknicker research fellow at the Physics Institute of the Real
Reality outside London, England. "Santa
breaks
many of the laws of physics, laws of aerodynamics, thermodynamics,
speed of light, there is no bound to this man's flagrant disregard of
natural laws." It wasn't long before Dr.
Pipperknicker became fitful with rage; posing questions like "how is it
possible that a giant fat man is able to squeeze his rotund body down a
small chimney pipe, hmm? …Or how do a team of 8 reindeer, fly? And
how do they carry enough presents for all the children of the world? …
How does he deliver his presents all on one night?"… It wasn't long
before the poor doctor began postulating about different dimensions and
thousands of Santa clauses existing in the same space and different
moments in time or distribution centers of Santa's.
"Nobody elected this Santa Claus fellow," says George Triehugah of Up
With People. "I mean, who is this Santa
Claus and what are his methods?" Mr. Triehugah mused.
Mr.
Triehugah is very concerned about Santa's extra-governmental nature,
his seeming lack of respect for the cultural sensitivities of other
nations and his promotion of rewarding 'good' behavior.
"What constitutes a 'good' kid? Where
are the qualifications? Who determines who
is good and who is bad? This Santa Claus character has no
accountability at all." Santa
has repeatedly objected to the callsby such organizations for an
oversight committee and when asked about Mr. Triehugah in general Santa
commented, "Well, let's just say he had plenty of coal to keep him warm
during the long winters."
"Santa is an evil madman,"says Dr. John Cross, Genetics for Better and
Fun Foods Inc. "It is well documented,
Santa's program of genetic experiments and mutations," Dr.Cross
shivered. "I mean, how many reindeer do
you know have noses that glow?" Santa
defended his work in a brief statement issued last year through his PR
firm, "We at Santa Claus Inc. do not have a genetics engineering
program, Rudolf(tm) is just the next step in Reindeer evolution and we
predict that all reindeer will have 'shiny noses' in coming
generations..." Unconfirmed reports speak
of sleigh test flights with six legged reindeer.
"Santa is the worst thing since Napster(tm)" said Jeff Cheatum of the
Toy Manufacturer's Organization for Profit. "His
legion of slave labor elves making knock off toys is not only inhumane,
but does not respect international treaties on patents.
We are acting in our best interest for the poor toy designers,
whom we are trying to protect from this fat freeloader."
When Santa was posed with this moral question we believe we hear him
mumble something under his breath "... Chinese workers, sweat shops..."
... Mr. Cheatum has been lobbying the WTO
to sanction the North Pole for its disregard for international patent
treaty.
Now that you know the evidence, be vigilant, this criminal if anything
is persistent and a slave to consistency. You
can expect him to show up sometime on Christmas eve/night.
Reducing
the amount of cookies and milk in your household is a good way to help
deter him from entering your place and by all means, do not dream of
sugarplums.
With any luck, we will all be able to make it through the evening without much incident.
Love you always,
Severus Snape
PS: I am due to arrive at your
parent's house at 7:30. I do hope this is an acceptable time.
Gasping for breath, Hermione struggles not tolaughing so hard. Oh my god!He'sin so much trouble when he gets here.
~ The End ~