Inside the Spoofing Studio with James "Lippy" Lipton
JAMES LIPTON: Good evening, students, ladies and gentlemen, to the Actor's Studio at New School University. This evening, I am thrilled to have some of the most important people in the known universe. I know this program is called "Inside the Actor's Studio", but we have had other artists on before, like Steven Spielberg and Billy Joel, who are not actually actors. Our guests this evening are not actors, either; but they are the basis of two extraordinary films with a third on the way. Our first guest is a young man of considerable talents, good humor and fine pedigree. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Draco Malfoy!
[DRACO MALFOY walks out of the wings, sneering. He's wearing Slytherin colors and a long black cloak. His hair is slicked back. The audience applauds.]
JL: Hello, Mr. Malfoy!
DM: [spits] Filthy Muggle!
JL: Yes. Please, tell me all about yourself.
DM: What's there to know? I'm a Malfoy! [sneer] I am a pureblood wizard in a long line of pureblooded wizards, the only real wizards.
JL: Tell us about your father.
DM: My fa... [Out of the wings swaggers LUCIUS MALFOY, looking really swishy. His pimp cane is encrusted with jewels, and his cape is trailing behind him.]
LM: Out of the way, Draco. [sneer]
JL: Students, please welcome Mr. Lucius Malfoy! [applause. LM pushes DM out of his chair.]brLM: Mr. Lipton...I assume?
JL: Yes. I was just asking your son about you.
LM: I heard. I'm a Malfoy, a pureblood wizard in a long line of pureblooded wizards, the only real wizards. I'm also on the right side of an ongoing war with Mudbloods and idiot wizards who think they can defeat us. But they won't! They will roast in Hell! [evil laugh]
JL: Lucius, I wanted to ask you, and Draco, what you think of the people who portray you.
DM: Mr. Lipton, I...
LM: [smacks Draco with his pimp cane] Did I say you could speak, Draco? James, those Muggles who played us in the movies are nothing like us. That Jason Isaacs is a buffoon. I don't look like that, or act like that. [sneer]
DM: [mumbling] May I speak, Dad?
LM: Yes, son.
DM: I would just like to say that I don't always sneer like that. [sneers while he's saying it.] And I'm not addicted to hair gel!
LM: And I'd like to say that I don't wear makeup like that. Sure, I have an endorsement deal with Max Factor, but that's irrelevant.
JL: OK. Lucius, I'd like to know where you get your marvelous clothing.
LM: We have a special store in Hogsmeade. It's called "DE Pimps" and it sells cloaks, robes, and canes, all designed by such luminaries as Snoop Dogg, Master P, and Puff Daddy.
DM: Dad, it's P. Diddy now.
LM: Shut up!
JL: I wanted to ask you about "Death Eaters"...
LM: There's no such thing as Death Eaters.
JL: I've heard differently. Are you a Death Eater.
LM: I...er...well, James... [starts to sweat bullets. The feather on his giant hat begins to wilt.] Draco, please, tell this Muggle there's no such thing!
DM: Who said anything about Death Eaters? I don't know anything about Death Eaters.
JL: I've heard you are a Death Eater, too, Draco. Why can't you just admit it?
LM: Yes! Yes, I admit it! We Malfoys are ALL Death Eaters! We will rule the Wizarding World! In fact, we will rule your stupid Muggle world, too!
DM: Voldemort Forever! [Lucius and Draco leave the stage.]
JL: OK. Wonderful. Um, [clears throat] Draco, Mr. Malfoy, would you please come back? [pauses] No? OK. Well, then our next guest is not a Malfoy. He is the hero of the piece, the one and only Mr. Harry Potter, ladies and gentlemen!
[Audience cheers. HARRY POTTER comes out, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt.]
HP: Hello, everyone.
JL: Welcome to Inside the Actor's Studio, Harry.
HP: Thank you.
JL: Now, you're known as the Boy Who Lived. Can you tell me why?
HP: Well, James, when I was an infant, my mother and father were murdered by Voldemort...
JL: The same Voldemort that Mr. Malfoy was talking about?
HP: Yes, one and the same. Anyway, Voldemort killed my parents and tried to kill me, but something happened, and I basically cursed him. He was on the run for years until I was accepted at Hogwarts...
JL: Hogwarts School of Wizarding and Witchcraft?
HP: Uh...yeah. As I was saying, I was accepted to Hogwarts. At that time, I didn't know I was a wizard; I didn't even know there was such thing as magic.
JL: Interesting. Now, Harry, who are your friends?
HP: Actually, James, my best friends are in the front row here. [points to the front row.]
JL: I see Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Ronald Weasley. [Audience cheers]
HP: They've been my best friends since my first year at Hogwarts.
JL: Tell me a little about your adventures.
HP: Well, we defeated Voldemort a few times, killed a Bastlik, a troll, saved a bunch of people's lives, you know, the usual.
JL: It sounds exceptional!
HP: Just another day.
JL: Are you friends with Draco Malfoy?
HP: Ick. I hate Malfoy! He's mean to everyone, and there's been a few times he's actually tried to kill me and my friends.
JL: He seemed like a perfectly nice boy when I spoke to him.
HP: Well, he's not.
JL: A young man named Daniel Radcliffe plays you in the movies. Do you like him?
HP: I've met him a few times. He's nice enough, but he really doesn't look like me. They put his scar in the wrong place. His eyes are the wrong color. And he doesn't slouch nearly enough.
[Audience member yells out, "You're my hero, Harry!]
JL: You seem to be very popular, Harry.
HP: It wasn't always that way, James. People had to realize I'm just a normal boy.
JL: You're a normal boy with extraordinary powers, Harry. You truly are....a hero. [audience cheers] I'd like to introduce another Hogwarts inhabitant, Professor Severus Snape. [SEVERUS SNAPE appears, dressed in usual black robes. His hair is greasier than normal. Audience cheers, then suddenly they realize it's not Alan Rickman. It grows deadly quiet.]
SS: Hello...James.
JL: Hello.....Severus. [they stare at one another. Harry keeps looking at each man, wondering what's going on.]
SS: Aren't you going to ask me questions? You're...[pauses] wasting my precious time.
JL: Professor Snape, my research assistant, who does everything for me, tells me that you and Harry's parents were friends.
SS: [sharply] That's a lie! Potter was not my friend.
JL: But he did save your life.
SS: Five (pauses) ...points from Gryffindor!
JL: I'll take that as a yes. Wouldn't you say that makes him a friend?
SS: No! No I wouldn't.
JL: Is it true, Mr. Snape, that you were a scrawny teenage boy with bad hair and acne?brSS: [snarling] No...
HP: I know it's true!
SS: POTTER! [jumps up, clutching wand]
JL: Now, please, stop it! Shall I introduce our next guest?
SS: [sitting down, still glaring at Harry.] Yes.
JL: Our next guest is a lovely young woman. We're introduced to her late in the series. Please welcome Miss Cho Chang. [CHO CHANG walks out. Various members of the audience hiss, some clap loudly, including Ron, who stands up and boos.]
CC: Hello, James.
HP: Hi, Cho. [Cho turns her head away from Harry.]
JL: Hello, Cho. You aren't in the movies. Do you have any idea if you'll make an appearance?
CC: I'm not quite sure. [crying] D-d-do you know if Cedric will be in the movies? [Ron yells from the audience, "Oh, turn that faucet off!]
JL: Please tell me a little about yourself.
CC: (sniff) I'm a Ravenclaw, I play Quidditch. [Ron yells from the audience, "She dates a lot of guys!"] ...I do not!
JL: My research assistant tells me that you once dated Harry.
CC: We went out on one date.
HP: [mutters] And it stunk.
CC: He kept talking about Hermione Granger!
HP: I did not! You started crying about Cedric Diggory AND you mentioned that Roger Davies asked you out! I only said I had to meet Hermione at the Three Broomsticks!
SS: Bugger...children...
JL: Now, now, Harry, Cho, your lovers spat can wait. Wait. What's this? The Malfoys have offered to rejoin us! Welcome back Lucius and Draco Malfoy! [Audience boos. Draco and Lucius return to the stage. Draco's sneering like he's never sneered before. Lucius is walking with an exaggerated pimp limp. He glares at Harry, who stares back. Draco sits next to Snape, who calmly moves his chair a tad away from him. Lucius conjures up a chair.]
DM: On with the show. The Malfoys have returned. [Cho starts giving Draco the eye. Draco sneers back.]
JL: Severus, I wanted to ask you about Alan Rickman.
SS: Yes. I look nothing like him.
JL: I know. I wanted to know how you feel about his portrayal of you.
SS: He's a terrible actor. He pauses entirely too (long, extended pause) much. I'm not like that.
JL: Are you flattered that such an attractive man was cast in your part?
SS: His hair is too greasy, and his face is too pale. I don't look like that. It's an insult. Nevertheless, I am flattered that someone as... (pauses) pretty as Alan Rickman is playing the character of me in these movies.
DM: [in an obnoxious voice] I wanted to say that I am much better looking that than dreadful Muggle they have playing me! [Cho stares at him, bats her eyes once or twice, and then turns away.]
JL: Now comes the time for what we've all been waiting for, the questionnaire by Bernard Pivot. I will ask these questions, and you may answer them at will. First, what is your favorite word?
HP: Quidditch.
DM: Voldemort.
SS: Detention.
CC: Boys.
LM: Pimp cane. That's two words, but they are my favorite.
JL: What is your least favorite word?
DM: Potter.
LM: Goodness.
SS: I'll have to agree with Draco.
CC: Hermione Granger. [Hermione is heard gasping.]
HP: Voldemort.
JL: What turns you on, mentally, physically, emotionally? Creatively?
SS: I like working with potions. They can put a stopper on death...
LM: I like to slap on some greasepaint and launch into a review of cabaret songs.
DM: I like to bully other Hogwarts students.
CC: I like kissing boys, playing Quidditch, sticking by friends who snitch on people.
HP: I like playing Quidditch, too. I like going to my friend Ron's house, and I like spending time with people important to me, like Remus Lupin.
JL: What, turns you off?
DM: Mudbloods.
LM: Mudbloods. And people who don't appreciate that it takes hard work to look this good.
SS: Proper grooming.
CC: People who won't talk about dead boyfriends on first dates.
HP: The Dursleys.
JL: What is your favorite curse word?
HP: Damn.
SS: You name it, I say it.
LM: Avada Ked... [Harry screams "Expellilamrius!" and takes Malfoy's wand away from him. Snape takes Draco's.]
JL: What occupation would you most like to attempt?
SS: Defense of the Dark Arts teacher.
LM: I'll be seated at the right hand of the Dark Lord!
HP: Maybe an auror, so I can put these two clowns in Azkaban.
CC: I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm too busy thinking about Cedric! (cries)
JL: What occupation would you least like to attempt?
CC: (continues to cry)
HP: Anything that a Malfoy would want to do.
SS: (glares at the audience) That DADA position should be mine...
JL: Finally, if God exists and you arrive at the Pearly Gates, what would you like to hear Him say?
CC: Cedric is here, and he wants to see you! (runs off stage, hysterically sobbing)
DM: Mwwwhahahaha! There is no god, there is only Voldemort!
LM: You can have all the bronzer and sequins you want, Lucius...
HP: Harry, no one will be after you now. Come talk to your mum, dad, and Sirius.
JL: Well, thank you. [audience clapping wildly.]
FIN
JAMES LIPTON: Good evening, students, ladies and gentlemen, to the Actor's Studio at New School University. This evening, I am thrilled to have some of the most important people in the known universe. I know this program is called "Inside the Actor's Studio", but we have had other artists on before, like Steven Spielberg and Billy Joel, who are not actually actors. Our guests this evening are not actors, either; but they are the basis of two extraordinary films with a third on the way. Our first guest is a young man of considerable talents, good humor and fine pedigree. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Draco Malfoy!
[DRACO MALFOY walks out of the wings, sneering. He's wearing Slytherin colors and a long black cloak. His hair is slicked back. The audience applauds.]
JL: Hello, Mr. Malfoy!
DM: [spits] Filthy Muggle!
JL: Yes. Please, tell me all about yourself.
DM: What's there to know? I'm a Malfoy! [sneer] I am a pureblood wizard in a long line of pureblooded wizards, the only real wizards.
JL: Tell us about your father.
DM: My fa... [Out of the wings swaggers LUCIUS MALFOY, looking really swishy. His pimp cane is encrusted with jewels, and his cape is trailing behind him.]
LM: Out of the way, Draco. [sneer]
JL: Students, please welcome Mr. Lucius Malfoy! [applause. LM pushes DM out of his chair.]brLM: Mr. Lipton...I assume?
JL: Yes. I was just asking your son about you.
LM: I heard. I'm a Malfoy, a pureblood wizard in a long line of pureblooded wizards, the only real wizards. I'm also on the right side of an ongoing war with Mudbloods and idiot wizards who think they can defeat us. But they won't! They will roast in Hell! [evil laugh]
JL: Lucius, I wanted to ask you, and Draco, what you think of the people who portray you.
DM: Mr. Lipton, I...
LM: [smacks Draco with his pimp cane] Did I say you could speak, Draco? James, those Muggles who played us in the movies are nothing like us. That Jason Isaacs is a buffoon. I don't look like that, or act like that. [sneer]
DM: [mumbling] May I speak, Dad?
LM: Yes, son.
DM: I would just like to say that I don't always sneer like that. [sneers while he's saying it.] And I'm not addicted to hair gel!
LM: And I'd like to say that I don't wear makeup like that. Sure, I have an endorsement deal with Max Factor, but that's irrelevant.
JL: OK. Lucius, I'd like to know where you get your marvelous clothing.
LM: We have a special store in Hogsmeade. It's called "DE Pimps" and it sells cloaks, robes, and canes, all designed by such luminaries as Snoop Dogg, Master P, and Puff Daddy.
DM: Dad, it's P. Diddy now.
LM: Shut up!
JL: I wanted to ask you about "Death Eaters"...
LM: There's no such thing as Death Eaters.
JL: I've heard differently. Are you a Death Eater.
LM: I...er...well, James... [starts to sweat bullets. The feather on his giant hat begins to wilt.] Draco, please, tell this Muggle there's no such thing!
DM: Who said anything about Death Eaters? I don't know anything about Death Eaters.
JL: I've heard you are a Death Eater, too, Draco. Why can't you just admit it?
LM: Yes! Yes, I admit it! We Malfoys are ALL Death Eaters! We will rule the Wizarding World! In fact, we will rule your stupid Muggle world, too!
DM: Voldemort Forever! [Lucius and Draco leave the stage.]
JL: OK. Wonderful. Um, [clears throat] Draco, Mr. Malfoy, would you please come back? [pauses] No? OK. Well, then our next guest is not a Malfoy. He is the hero of the piece, the one and only Mr. Harry Potter, ladies and gentlemen!
[Audience cheers. HARRY POTTER comes out, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt.]
HP: Hello, everyone.
JL: Welcome to Inside the Actor's Studio, Harry.
HP: Thank you.
JL: Now, you're known as the Boy Who Lived. Can you tell me why?
HP: Well, James, when I was an infant, my mother and father were murdered by Voldemort...
JL: The same Voldemort that Mr. Malfoy was talking about?
HP: Yes, one and the same. Anyway, Voldemort killed my parents and tried to kill me, but something happened, and I basically cursed him. He was on the run for years until I was accepted at Hogwarts...
JL: Hogwarts School of Wizarding and Witchcraft?
HP: Uh...yeah. As I was saying, I was accepted to Hogwarts. At that time, I didn't know I was a wizard; I didn't even know there was such thing as magic.
JL: Interesting. Now, Harry, who are your friends?
HP: Actually, James, my best friends are in the front row here. [points to the front row.]
JL: I see Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Ronald Weasley. [Audience cheers]
HP: They've been my best friends since my first year at Hogwarts.
JL: Tell me a little about your adventures.
HP: Well, we defeated Voldemort a few times, killed a Bastlik, a troll, saved a bunch of people's lives, you know, the usual.
JL: It sounds exceptional!
HP: Just another day.
JL: Are you friends with Draco Malfoy?
HP: Ick. I hate Malfoy! He's mean to everyone, and there's been a few times he's actually tried to kill me and my friends.
JL: He seemed like a perfectly nice boy when I spoke to him.
HP: Well, he's not.
JL: A young man named Daniel Radcliffe plays you in the movies. Do you like him?
HP: I've met him a few times. He's nice enough, but he really doesn't look like me. They put his scar in the wrong place. His eyes are the wrong color. And he doesn't slouch nearly enough.
[Audience member yells out, "You're my hero, Harry!]
JL: You seem to be very popular, Harry.
HP: It wasn't always that way, James. People had to realize I'm just a normal boy.
JL: You're a normal boy with extraordinary powers, Harry. You truly are....a hero. [audience cheers] I'd like to introduce another Hogwarts inhabitant, Professor Severus Snape. [SEVERUS SNAPE appears, dressed in usual black robes. His hair is greasier than normal. Audience cheers, then suddenly they realize it's not Alan Rickman. It grows deadly quiet.]
SS: Hello...James.
JL: Hello.....Severus. [they stare at one another. Harry keeps looking at each man, wondering what's going on.]
SS: Aren't you going to ask me questions? You're...[pauses] wasting my precious time.
JL: Professor Snape, my research assistant, who does everything for me, tells me that you and Harry's parents were friends.
SS: [sharply] That's a lie! Potter was not my friend.
JL: But he did save your life.
SS: Five (pauses) ...points from Gryffindor!
JL: I'll take that as a yes. Wouldn't you say that makes him a friend?
SS: No! No I wouldn't.
JL: Is it true, Mr. Snape, that you were a scrawny teenage boy with bad hair and acne?brSS: [snarling] No...
HP: I know it's true!
SS: POTTER! [jumps up, clutching wand]
JL: Now, please, stop it! Shall I introduce our next guest?
SS: [sitting down, still glaring at Harry.] Yes.
JL: Our next guest is a lovely young woman. We're introduced to her late in the series. Please welcome Miss Cho Chang. [CHO CHANG walks out. Various members of the audience hiss, some clap loudly, including Ron, who stands up and boos.]
CC: Hello, James.
HP: Hi, Cho. [Cho turns her head away from Harry.]
JL: Hello, Cho. You aren't in the movies. Do you have any idea if you'll make an appearance?
CC: I'm not quite sure. [crying] D-d-do you know if Cedric will be in the movies? [Ron yells from the audience, "Oh, turn that faucet off!]
JL: Please tell me a little about yourself.
CC: (sniff) I'm a Ravenclaw, I play Quidditch. [Ron yells from the audience, "She dates a lot of guys!"] ...I do not!
JL: My research assistant tells me that you once dated Harry.
CC: We went out on one date.
HP: [mutters] And it stunk.
CC: He kept talking about Hermione Granger!
HP: I did not! You started crying about Cedric Diggory AND you mentioned that Roger Davies asked you out! I only said I had to meet Hermione at the Three Broomsticks!
SS: Bugger...children...
JL: Now, now, Harry, Cho, your lovers spat can wait. Wait. What's this? The Malfoys have offered to rejoin us! Welcome back Lucius and Draco Malfoy! [Audience boos. Draco and Lucius return to the stage. Draco's sneering like he's never sneered before. Lucius is walking with an exaggerated pimp limp. He glares at Harry, who stares back. Draco sits next to Snape, who calmly moves his chair a tad away from him. Lucius conjures up a chair.]
DM: On with the show. The Malfoys have returned. [Cho starts giving Draco the eye. Draco sneers back.]
JL: Severus, I wanted to ask you about Alan Rickman.
SS: Yes. I look nothing like him.
JL: I know. I wanted to know how you feel about his portrayal of you.
SS: He's a terrible actor. He pauses entirely too (long, extended pause) much. I'm not like that.
JL: Are you flattered that such an attractive man was cast in your part?
SS: His hair is too greasy, and his face is too pale. I don't look like that. It's an insult. Nevertheless, I am flattered that someone as... (pauses) pretty as Alan Rickman is playing the character of me in these movies.
DM: [in an obnoxious voice] I wanted to say that I am much better looking that than dreadful Muggle they have playing me! [Cho stares at him, bats her eyes once or twice, and then turns away.]
JL: Now comes the time for what we've all been waiting for, the questionnaire by Bernard Pivot. I will ask these questions, and you may answer them at will. First, what is your favorite word?
HP: Quidditch.
DM: Voldemort.
SS: Detention.
CC: Boys.
LM: Pimp cane. That's two words, but they are my favorite.
JL: What is your least favorite word?
DM: Potter.
LM: Goodness.
SS: I'll have to agree with Draco.
CC: Hermione Granger. [Hermione is heard gasping.]
HP: Voldemort.
JL: What turns you on, mentally, physically, emotionally? Creatively?
SS: I like working with potions. They can put a stopper on death...
LM: I like to slap on some greasepaint and launch into a review of cabaret songs.
DM: I like to bully other Hogwarts students.
CC: I like kissing boys, playing Quidditch, sticking by friends who snitch on people.
HP: I like playing Quidditch, too. I like going to my friend Ron's house, and I like spending time with people important to me, like Remus Lupin.
JL: What, turns you off?
DM: Mudbloods.
LM: Mudbloods. And people who don't appreciate that it takes hard work to look this good.
SS: Proper grooming.
CC: People who won't talk about dead boyfriends on first dates.
HP: The Dursleys.
JL: What is your favorite curse word?
HP: Damn.
SS: You name it, I say it.
LM: Avada Ked... [Harry screams "Expellilamrius!" and takes Malfoy's wand away from him. Snape takes Draco's.]
JL: What occupation would you most like to attempt?
SS: Defense of the Dark Arts teacher.
LM: I'll be seated at the right hand of the Dark Lord!
HP: Maybe an auror, so I can put these two clowns in Azkaban.
CC: I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm too busy thinking about Cedric! (cries)
JL: What occupation would you least like to attempt?
CC: (continues to cry)
HP: Anything that a Malfoy would want to do.
SS: (glares at the audience) That DADA position should be mine...
JL: Finally, if God exists and you arrive at the Pearly Gates, what would you like to hear Him say?
CC: Cedric is here, and he wants to see you! (runs off stage, hysterically sobbing)
DM: Mwwwhahahaha! There is no god, there is only Voldemort!
LM: You can have all the bronzer and sequins you want, Lucius...
HP: Harry, no one will be after you now. Come talk to your mum, dad, and Sirius.
JL: Well, thank you. [audience clapping wildly.]
FIN