*Flashback:
I was tired.
Emotionally, physically, in every way possible I was tired. I was tired of staring at the damn door. I was tired of watching the police do absolutely nothing. I was tired of listening to the normal sounds of the ER. Damn it! I was tired of all of it.
I was scared.
Scared of the way I felt. Scared of what Abby was going through. Scared of what Susan was thinking. Scared of what I may do to Luka. Just scared. Of anything, and everything.
I was out of words. There was no reasoning left.
I wished I was out of tears, but those stayed. They persisted to fall down my face in identical paths; at least they came silently I told myself.
I was thinking too much.
I thought about how we should have called in sick, we had thought about it that very morning. I thought about how I should have proposed the way I had planed on doing, instead of waiting for the 'perfect moment' which may never come. I thought about how I shouldn't have let her go help Luka, there were other nurses. I thought about how I should have taken the trauma instead of giving it to Luka in the first place.
I should have been in there instead of her.
I crumbled.
I found myself on the floor against the wall no longer able to hold myself up. No longer able to be strong.
I was tired, I was scared, and I was alone. She was alone. I couldn't take it, so the tears never stopped.
*Present:
Carter stared at the same doors that he so vigilantly stood outside years before. They didn't look any different then they had that day.
He walked by them every day of the year, and it didn't matter. Except today, today they brought back too many emotions. They made him think about things that were better left unthought of.
Before he even realized it, he was transfixed, unmoving before them. Paralleling the time he had spent there on another day. A day that seemed like it was a million years ago and yesterday at the very same time.
*Flashback:
It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sit and listen to Luka.
The questions, his answers, they no longer seemed to come in order. Everything just came at once. It was like being lost in a giant puzzle that was more of a fight for survival, or sanity I rethought, then a game.
Luka kept blaming himself. I should defend him, but I can't. I can't bring myself to speak.
Was he right? I could see the question in his eyes. It was pleading with me to answer it. I should reassure him I reasoned within myself.
I should reassure him, but I didn't. I didn't trust that the right words would come from my voice in the right order. It was unnerving feeling this way. I always had control. Control of everything. Everything seemed meaningless at the moment.
I couldn't take the noise, or was it silence? Whatever it was it was deafening.
I stood up, no longer able to stand the silent plea that came from his eyes, no longer able to decipher the dialogue that was continuous.
No longer able to hide my anxiety at losing control.
*Present:
Kerry sits staring at the new charts that have been recently added to the pile on her desk. Her enormous pile, on her now hidden desk.
The candidate list sits beside it. The candidates. Every time she tried narrowing them down she found herself comparing them with Carter, Gallant, even Abby.
She had never been close with any of them. She had never tried to be. They had never tried to be. Except for the time she spent with them at the Lava Lounge after Mark's death, and when Abby helped her, was there for her, when.through a difficult time.
She shouldn't miss them. She shouldn't want to know how they were, but she did. She always would.
*Flashback:
He has me on the floor, his weight pinning me.
I struggle, but only momentarily before the gun is reintroduced to my mind.
I plead for him to stop, but my pleas go unheard, or ignored, either way, it doesn't matter.
I try not to think as he pulls at the waistband of my scrubs.
I succeed, at least for a time.
I separate myself from what he is doing until I feel his mouth on mine.
The tears come as I crash back into reality.
He notices.
He smiles.
I feel ashamed.
*Present:
Abby's thoughts roam as the plane moves further and further north at its amazing speed. Time has seemed to slow as the destination gets closer and closer.
The importance of the trip has fully registered on her mind now, and she begins to mentally make plans for a quick change. Maybe they could catch another plane to a different city. They couldn't just go home, she wouldn't know how to explain that to Car this year.
Cara, she lays asleep with her head across Abby's lap. Abby strokes her hair gently; believing that maybe she could get the courage that she needed from her. She pulls the blanket that has slipped up over Car carefully, not wanting to wake her. She's still amazed by how perfect her little girl is.
Yes, she decides, she knew this was right. She wasn't just doing this for herself.
*Flashback:
I watch him slide down the wall. He looks lost. He looks broken.
I mentally assess that I must look the same way.
How much time has passed? I ask internally, but perhaps it had slipped through my lips, although no one answered.
How long have we been outside the room, not knowing what was happening? How long had Luka been in questioning? How long has Abby been alone? How long has Carter been silent?
Questions. Too many questions.
It was peaceful and eerie in the same moment. It was calm and frantic among the same scene. Why were the police there when they weren't doing anything? Would talking to Luka change anything? I found myself wanting to scream at them, but I found myself unable to speak.
If I had begun screaming would anyone have noticed? I didn't believe that Carter would.
Carter. The thought of his name forces my eyes to look back down at him. He looks so scared. I wonder if he can almost picture her in there. I have never seen her scared, has he?
Did I think everything would turn out okay? No, I don't think I did.
*Present:
Susan gathers her things, lost in her worry for Lacie. Its nothing serious, she knows, Lacie probably just has a cold, but she's her baby. So Susan hurries.
She pauses to think that a part of her was glad that she can go home instead of spending the rest of the day avoiding walking down the hallway, past the room that today brought back more emotion then she wanted to deal with. Only a part of her though, the other part felt bad for condemning Carter to the fate that she was now running away from.
Lacie was important, Carter understood.
*Flashback:
My head was spinning as I watched Kerry get up and leave the room.
I had answered millions of questions already, but they still kept coming. Over and over I answered the same thing.
No I don't know who the man is.
Yes I thought he was a cop.
No I don't know why he was doing this.
Yes he made us let the patient die.
What did they want from me?
Kerry blamed me. I realized it as soon as she got up and walked out the door. She blamed me.
I don't cry, but in that moment I did. I was alone. I was the one they blamed.
I hated myself. I hated the man. I hated the world.
Life had changed.
*Present:
Luka makes a stop on his way home to a secluded place that he's found and claimed for himself.
It was just a bench in a park; there was nothing special about it, nothing at all. It was important though, in a small way, it was important.
He had done a lot of thinking there. It was tucked away in a place that the path didn't come near, far enough were he could only barely hear the noise of the busy space around him.
This is where he let himself get lost in the thoughts that he so hated, and loved. It was so confusing, the entire day lead to confusion. Things he loved, he grew to hate. Things he had hated, he had begun to love. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. Why it lead to such a confusion of emotion, he wasn't sure.
Tomorrow he would be okay. As soon as the day turned to night and the night brought first light, he would be okay. It was just the today that he found hard to get through.
~~
A/N: okay so what did you think? Sorry for taking so long to get this up, but this chapter proved to be a challenge to write.
Thanks for all the reviews! I really do appreciate them a lot.
~Hailie (Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com)
I was tired.
Emotionally, physically, in every way possible I was tired. I was tired of staring at the damn door. I was tired of watching the police do absolutely nothing. I was tired of listening to the normal sounds of the ER. Damn it! I was tired of all of it.
I was scared.
Scared of the way I felt. Scared of what Abby was going through. Scared of what Susan was thinking. Scared of what I may do to Luka. Just scared. Of anything, and everything.
I was out of words. There was no reasoning left.
I wished I was out of tears, but those stayed. They persisted to fall down my face in identical paths; at least they came silently I told myself.
I was thinking too much.
I thought about how we should have called in sick, we had thought about it that very morning. I thought about how I should have proposed the way I had planed on doing, instead of waiting for the 'perfect moment' which may never come. I thought about how I shouldn't have let her go help Luka, there were other nurses. I thought about how I should have taken the trauma instead of giving it to Luka in the first place.
I should have been in there instead of her.
I crumbled.
I found myself on the floor against the wall no longer able to hold myself up. No longer able to be strong.
I was tired, I was scared, and I was alone. She was alone. I couldn't take it, so the tears never stopped.
*Present:
Carter stared at the same doors that he so vigilantly stood outside years before. They didn't look any different then they had that day.
He walked by them every day of the year, and it didn't matter. Except today, today they brought back too many emotions. They made him think about things that were better left unthought of.
Before he even realized it, he was transfixed, unmoving before them. Paralleling the time he had spent there on another day. A day that seemed like it was a million years ago and yesterday at the very same time.
*Flashback:
It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sit and listen to Luka.
The questions, his answers, they no longer seemed to come in order. Everything just came at once. It was like being lost in a giant puzzle that was more of a fight for survival, or sanity I rethought, then a game.
Luka kept blaming himself. I should defend him, but I can't. I can't bring myself to speak.
Was he right? I could see the question in his eyes. It was pleading with me to answer it. I should reassure him I reasoned within myself.
I should reassure him, but I didn't. I didn't trust that the right words would come from my voice in the right order. It was unnerving feeling this way. I always had control. Control of everything. Everything seemed meaningless at the moment.
I couldn't take the noise, or was it silence? Whatever it was it was deafening.
I stood up, no longer able to stand the silent plea that came from his eyes, no longer able to decipher the dialogue that was continuous.
No longer able to hide my anxiety at losing control.
*Present:
Kerry sits staring at the new charts that have been recently added to the pile on her desk. Her enormous pile, on her now hidden desk.
The candidate list sits beside it. The candidates. Every time she tried narrowing them down she found herself comparing them with Carter, Gallant, even Abby.
She had never been close with any of them. She had never tried to be. They had never tried to be. Except for the time she spent with them at the Lava Lounge after Mark's death, and when Abby helped her, was there for her, when.through a difficult time.
She shouldn't miss them. She shouldn't want to know how they were, but she did. She always would.
*Flashback:
He has me on the floor, his weight pinning me.
I struggle, but only momentarily before the gun is reintroduced to my mind.
I plead for him to stop, but my pleas go unheard, or ignored, either way, it doesn't matter.
I try not to think as he pulls at the waistband of my scrubs.
I succeed, at least for a time.
I separate myself from what he is doing until I feel his mouth on mine.
The tears come as I crash back into reality.
He notices.
He smiles.
I feel ashamed.
*Present:
Abby's thoughts roam as the plane moves further and further north at its amazing speed. Time has seemed to slow as the destination gets closer and closer.
The importance of the trip has fully registered on her mind now, and she begins to mentally make plans for a quick change. Maybe they could catch another plane to a different city. They couldn't just go home, she wouldn't know how to explain that to Car this year.
Cara, she lays asleep with her head across Abby's lap. Abby strokes her hair gently; believing that maybe she could get the courage that she needed from her. She pulls the blanket that has slipped up over Car carefully, not wanting to wake her. She's still amazed by how perfect her little girl is.
Yes, she decides, she knew this was right. She wasn't just doing this for herself.
*Flashback:
I watch him slide down the wall. He looks lost. He looks broken.
I mentally assess that I must look the same way.
How much time has passed? I ask internally, but perhaps it had slipped through my lips, although no one answered.
How long have we been outside the room, not knowing what was happening? How long had Luka been in questioning? How long has Abby been alone? How long has Carter been silent?
Questions. Too many questions.
It was peaceful and eerie in the same moment. It was calm and frantic among the same scene. Why were the police there when they weren't doing anything? Would talking to Luka change anything? I found myself wanting to scream at them, but I found myself unable to speak.
If I had begun screaming would anyone have noticed? I didn't believe that Carter would.
Carter. The thought of his name forces my eyes to look back down at him. He looks so scared. I wonder if he can almost picture her in there. I have never seen her scared, has he?
Did I think everything would turn out okay? No, I don't think I did.
*Present:
Susan gathers her things, lost in her worry for Lacie. Its nothing serious, she knows, Lacie probably just has a cold, but she's her baby. So Susan hurries.
She pauses to think that a part of her was glad that she can go home instead of spending the rest of the day avoiding walking down the hallway, past the room that today brought back more emotion then she wanted to deal with. Only a part of her though, the other part felt bad for condemning Carter to the fate that she was now running away from.
Lacie was important, Carter understood.
*Flashback:
My head was spinning as I watched Kerry get up and leave the room.
I had answered millions of questions already, but they still kept coming. Over and over I answered the same thing.
No I don't know who the man is.
Yes I thought he was a cop.
No I don't know why he was doing this.
Yes he made us let the patient die.
What did they want from me?
Kerry blamed me. I realized it as soon as she got up and walked out the door. She blamed me.
I don't cry, but in that moment I did. I was alone. I was the one they blamed.
I hated myself. I hated the man. I hated the world.
Life had changed.
*Present:
Luka makes a stop on his way home to a secluded place that he's found and claimed for himself.
It was just a bench in a park; there was nothing special about it, nothing at all. It was important though, in a small way, it was important.
He had done a lot of thinking there. It was tucked away in a place that the path didn't come near, far enough were he could only barely hear the noise of the busy space around him.
This is where he let himself get lost in the thoughts that he so hated, and loved. It was so confusing, the entire day lead to confusion. Things he loved, he grew to hate. Things he had hated, he had begun to love. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. Why it lead to such a confusion of emotion, he wasn't sure.
Tomorrow he would be okay. As soon as the day turned to night and the night brought first light, he would be okay. It was just the today that he found hard to get through.
~~
A/N: okay so what did you think? Sorry for taking so long to get this up, but this chapter proved to be a challenge to write.
Thanks for all the reviews! I really do appreciate them a lot.
~Hailie (Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com)