**Flashback:
She looked up at me quickly as I walked through the door dropping the chart that I held in my hand. Her red eyes glittered as they widened in fear at my loud and sudden entrance. After a few seconds I watched the fear subsided slowly when she realized it was just me.
Then as quickly as she looked up, she buried her face behind her knees. Her arms were tightly wrapped around herself; it made moisture spring to my eyes. The thoughts of what he must have done to her overwhelmed me.
That's when I looked towards Carter to find him looking almost intently at Abby. His eyes broke contact with her abruptly as he looked up at me. His eyes pleaded with me, to do what? Take it all away? I wish I could.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I continued to move closer to them. I watched Carter, if he made any indication for me to leave, I would. When he didn't after several long moments, I moved closer.
As I watched her tremble slightly, I was trying to gather the courage to speak. To say something. . . anything.
Carter shock his head as I glanced back towards him. Why? I found myself thinking. What unasked question was he opposing? Probably all of them.
My lips move to form a question, no not a question, maybe a statement. I still have no idea what I am going to say. What can I say?
Unexpectedly my thinking is interrupted as Abby quietly dissolves the silence with a question of her own, "can I go home?" she looks up at me pleadingly then her eyes dance towards Carter as she adds "Please," brokenly.
**Present:
Kerry sat in a large boardroom; well-dressed men and women occupied the space around her. Their attention was fixed at the far side of the room at a white shade. Projected onto the screen was a presentation that would have captivated her on any other day. Today, she had no idea what it was about.
Her mind was far away, in another city, in another year. It was quite silly really, she was over the events, and they no longer controlled her life. Except for this repeatable time every year when the memories became more then just memories they became almost real again. They were too real the first time; she didn't want to keep reliving them every year.
**Flashback:
"Alive," I tested the word out quietly. It's amazing how Susan's explanation turned from okay, to simply alive so quickly.
It was the same way that the day turned from simple and dull to complex and heartbreaking. What I wouldn't do to be worried about clearing the board at this moment.
My mouth feels dry and I absentmindedly run my tongue along my lips.
My attention. Well my attention was focused on nothing. I was doing my best to make myself and this day disappear into the crevices of eternity. Forever forgotten, forever ignored. I failed miserably.
Movement caught my attention, causing it to focus again. Susan had backed up against a wall in the hallway. New, quiet tears streamed down her face, as she gasped loudly for air.
I wanted to take her into my arms and comfort her, but I couldn't. I was responsible for this. For all of this, I couldn't offer comfort when I was responsible.
So I walked away. For the second time that day, I walked away.
**Present:
"Luka," Christina's voice said through the screen door behind him.
He motioned for her to come outside, making it obvious that he would not join her inside.
He heard the screen door creak open and then slam shut, but he didn't look back.
She came down to sit with him on the stairs and he wrapped his arms around her slightly shivering form. "What's wrong?" she asked him worriedly.
"Today," he replied. Yes today was wrong. Today would forever be wrong.
**Flashback:
"Please," I whisper looking up at Carter.
I can't stand the way they are towering over me and unwanted fear suddenly rises in me causing me to back up impulsively.
I watch as disappointment washes over his face at my actions and I allow new tears to spill down my face as I bite my lip nervously.
Their gazes simultaneously turn away from me and to each other and I am silently relieved to no longer hold their attention.
Neither of them speaks and the silence rips through me deeply causing me to wrap my arms around myself tighter.
They must have had a silent conversation between themselves because they both turn to look back at me at the same time. My teeth defy me as they begin to clatter loudly, and I press my eyelids together tightly trying to imagine being somewhere else. The idea fails miserably as I only see his face as he laughs at my misery, my helplessness, and my brokenness.
"Abby," Kerry says, I don't know how to describe the emotion in her voice. The tone was strange and it took me several minutes to register that it was my name that she had uttered.
I don't react because I can't. I'm too consumed in the images that haunt me, the feelings that seek to destroy me. I'm terrified.
I'm lost to the world when suddenly I feel someone's arms around me. I panic. I scream. I fight.
Then I break down as I look up into Carter's eyes and allow myself to be held, to be comforted. I'm still terrified, and yet in his arms I let myself feel safe, at least for the moment.
My unstoppable sobs soak his shirt as he holds me close, gently allowing me the necessary room for escape. His whispers invade my thoughts even though I am not able to decipher any of them. His gentle fingers roam through my hair calming me slightly. I almost close my eyes again, but am stopped by the knowledge of what I will see if I allow it to happen.
**Present:
Abby takes a deep and much needed breath as she stands before the entrance of County's ER holding Cara's hand tightly as if it were her only lifeline. Perhaps it was.
She looks down at her little girl's beautiful smiling face and she tries to smile back.
"Why are we here?" Cara asks innocently. Abby knew she would, She had expected the question to have been asked sooner. She knows hospitals, her daycare is at the one Abby works in, so obviously she would want to know what brought them here.
Abby moves their path slightly to the side so that they didn't block the entrance and she crouched down to her level. She looked into her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, which make her almost cry whenever she looks into them. "Mommy needs to do something, Car," Abby finds myself at a loss of how to continue. She looks away carefully searching for the right thing to say, the right way to explain. Then as she brings her attention back she finds more words, "This is where I use to work. . ."
"Oh like Uncle Erik went back to Ministota?" she asks naively, stumbling over the name.
"Yeah, kind of like that," Abby replies. Sure, it was sort of similar. Erik went back to remember; remember their childhood, their former school, their former house, and their mother.
Maggie, he had gone back to visit her grave, something Abby couldn't bring herself to do. Yet she found herself here, she never thought that she would come back here. The connection that Cara made was deeper then any that she could have explained herself. Emotions overwhelmed her for a moment and she drew Cara into her arms tightly hugging her as if letting go would take her away forever.
"I love you," she whispered the words more sincerely then she had ever said them before.
"I love you too Mommy," came the beautiful response.
She looked up at me quickly as I walked through the door dropping the chart that I held in my hand. Her red eyes glittered as they widened in fear at my loud and sudden entrance. After a few seconds I watched the fear subsided slowly when she realized it was just me.
Then as quickly as she looked up, she buried her face behind her knees. Her arms were tightly wrapped around herself; it made moisture spring to my eyes. The thoughts of what he must have done to her overwhelmed me.
That's when I looked towards Carter to find him looking almost intently at Abby. His eyes broke contact with her abruptly as he looked up at me. His eyes pleaded with me, to do what? Take it all away? I wish I could.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I continued to move closer to them. I watched Carter, if he made any indication for me to leave, I would. When he didn't after several long moments, I moved closer.
As I watched her tremble slightly, I was trying to gather the courage to speak. To say something. . . anything.
Carter shock his head as I glanced back towards him. Why? I found myself thinking. What unasked question was he opposing? Probably all of them.
My lips move to form a question, no not a question, maybe a statement. I still have no idea what I am going to say. What can I say?
Unexpectedly my thinking is interrupted as Abby quietly dissolves the silence with a question of her own, "can I go home?" she looks up at me pleadingly then her eyes dance towards Carter as she adds "Please," brokenly.
**Present:
Kerry sat in a large boardroom; well-dressed men and women occupied the space around her. Their attention was fixed at the far side of the room at a white shade. Projected onto the screen was a presentation that would have captivated her on any other day. Today, she had no idea what it was about.
Her mind was far away, in another city, in another year. It was quite silly really, she was over the events, and they no longer controlled her life. Except for this repeatable time every year when the memories became more then just memories they became almost real again. They were too real the first time; she didn't want to keep reliving them every year.
**Flashback:
"Alive," I tested the word out quietly. It's amazing how Susan's explanation turned from okay, to simply alive so quickly.
It was the same way that the day turned from simple and dull to complex and heartbreaking. What I wouldn't do to be worried about clearing the board at this moment.
My mouth feels dry and I absentmindedly run my tongue along my lips.
My attention. Well my attention was focused on nothing. I was doing my best to make myself and this day disappear into the crevices of eternity. Forever forgotten, forever ignored. I failed miserably.
Movement caught my attention, causing it to focus again. Susan had backed up against a wall in the hallway. New, quiet tears streamed down her face, as she gasped loudly for air.
I wanted to take her into my arms and comfort her, but I couldn't. I was responsible for this. For all of this, I couldn't offer comfort when I was responsible.
So I walked away. For the second time that day, I walked away.
**Present:
"Luka," Christina's voice said through the screen door behind him.
He motioned for her to come outside, making it obvious that he would not join her inside.
He heard the screen door creak open and then slam shut, but he didn't look back.
She came down to sit with him on the stairs and he wrapped his arms around her slightly shivering form. "What's wrong?" she asked him worriedly.
"Today," he replied. Yes today was wrong. Today would forever be wrong.
**Flashback:
"Please," I whisper looking up at Carter.
I can't stand the way they are towering over me and unwanted fear suddenly rises in me causing me to back up impulsively.
I watch as disappointment washes over his face at my actions and I allow new tears to spill down my face as I bite my lip nervously.
Their gazes simultaneously turn away from me and to each other and I am silently relieved to no longer hold their attention.
Neither of them speaks and the silence rips through me deeply causing me to wrap my arms around myself tighter.
They must have had a silent conversation between themselves because they both turn to look back at me at the same time. My teeth defy me as they begin to clatter loudly, and I press my eyelids together tightly trying to imagine being somewhere else. The idea fails miserably as I only see his face as he laughs at my misery, my helplessness, and my brokenness.
"Abby," Kerry says, I don't know how to describe the emotion in her voice. The tone was strange and it took me several minutes to register that it was my name that she had uttered.
I don't react because I can't. I'm too consumed in the images that haunt me, the feelings that seek to destroy me. I'm terrified.
I'm lost to the world when suddenly I feel someone's arms around me. I panic. I scream. I fight.
Then I break down as I look up into Carter's eyes and allow myself to be held, to be comforted. I'm still terrified, and yet in his arms I let myself feel safe, at least for the moment.
My unstoppable sobs soak his shirt as he holds me close, gently allowing me the necessary room for escape. His whispers invade my thoughts even though I am not able to decipher any of them. His gentle fingers roam through my hair calming me slightly. I almost close my eyes again, but am stopped by the knowledge of what I will see if I allow it to happen.
**Present:
Abby takes a deep and much needed breath as she stands before the entrance of County's ER holding Cara's hand tightly as if it were her only lifeline. Perhaps it was.
She looks down at her little girl's beautiful smiling face and she tries to smile back.
"Why are we here?" Cara asks innocently. Abby knew she would, She had expected the question to have been asked sooner. She knows hospitals, her daycare is at the one Abby works in, so obviously she would want to know what brought them here.
Abby moves their path slightly to the side so that they didn't block the entrance and she crouched down to her level. She looked into her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, which make her almost cry whenever she looks into them. "Mommy needs to do something, Car," Abby finds myself at a loss of how to continue. She looks away carefully searching for the right thing to say, the right way to explain. Then as she brings her attention back she finds more words, "This is where I use to work. . ."
"Oh like Uncle Erik went back to Ministota?" she asks naively, stumbling over the name.
"Yeah, kind of like that," Abby replies. Sure, it was sort of similar. Erik went back to remember; remember their childhood, their former school, their former house, and their mother.
Maggie, he had gone back to visit her grave, something Abby couldn't bring herself to do. Yet she found herself here, she never thought that she would come back here. The connection that Cara made was deeper then any that she could have explained herself. Emotions overwhelmed her for a moment and she drew Cara into her arms tightly hugging her as if letting go would take her away forever.
"I love you," she whispered the words more sincerely then she had ever said them before.
"I love you too Mommy," came the beautiful response.