A/N: first of all I have to say THANK YOU to all my reviewers! When I got
home and read them I felt really bad because I didn't even have this
chapter started, so I wrote it for you guys :) I hope you like. THANKS,
your feedback is greatly appreciated.
To anyone who is still confused by the format: the story is written in flashback/present couplings, although the flashbacks are written in first person, and for the most part, especially in later chapters do not contain the name of the person who's POV it is written in the present that immediately follows, is written about the particular character. In other words the narrator of the flashback is identified as the main character of the immediately following present. Still confused? E-mail me and I'll see how I can help.
Now on to chapter 14:
**Flashback:
"I don't want any tests," I say. I think I whisper, but I'm unsure. I don't want any tests. If they don't do any tests then he won't know, he can't know. We need to go home, we need to move on. He can't know I'm damaged.
He hasn't replied, "Please John, no tests." Yes please let me forget, help me to forget. You can't know what happened. Now I know that he already did, but in the moment hope overrode common sense. Hope, yes at that moment I still held hope tightly in my hands crushing it. Using it to its fullest.
"Okay," the small word sends such assurance through me. I would have smiled if it had been at all possible.
I'm sure he notices, and yet it's still not enough, "Promise," I ask, no I think I plead.
He opens his mouth to speak, to promise, but my gaze is averted.
He never speaks the word.
Luka stands in the hall, looking through the window. I attempt to move back again, but find myself against the wall already.
I look at him, his eyes are hazy and I'm unsure of what he wants. I'm unsure of what to do.
Carter obviously wasn't as unsure because he soundlessly stands up and moves towards the door. He looks back before opening it and says, "I'll be right outside."
I nod. Fear and relief pass through me as if they were complimenting emotions instead of complete opposites.
Fear is heightened because I am alone. I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be scared. I want it to stop. Can't someone take it all away?
Relief is just as prominent. No one stares at me as I sit alone; no one looks or touches me as if I am about to break. I am not glass. I am not precious. I'm just me.
He's just outside, so relief slightly overrides fear. He won't let anyone else in. I'm safe.
**Present:
This was it. There was no turning back now; Abby was now standing on the threshold of the place that haunted her at night.
She walked through the doors with precision to her destination. She glanced at the desk clerk and realized she didn't know the women. She had never thought about who would still be here. Maybe everyone was gone?
She didn't stop to wonder, she moved methodically towards her objective. She came to a stop when she had found it.
Cara pulled at her hand, but she couldn't look down. No, she was transfixed. The doors in front of her lead to the past. 'Trauma Two', two words that she had not spoken together since before that fateful day.
Her eyes became slightly blurry, as she stood at a halt. She was unable to approach, yet just as unable to walk away.
"Ma'am can I help you?" the question burned the moment.
"No," she said.
"Are you looking for someone?" Callie asked.
Abby shook her head.
"Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the young med student persisted.
"I. .have to do something," Abby said trying to keep her voice from breaking.
"Ma'am I'm going to have to get security if you don't leave."
Abby nodded, but she didn't move.
She heard Callie's footsteps walk away, but she kept her vigilance.
**Flashback:
"Carter," I say his name cautiously as he enters the hallway, quietly yet forcefully closing the door behind him. He makes it clear that I will not enter the room; I will not enter her life. He won't allow it.
Although I should feel angry, I feel relieved. I can't face her. Not now, not ever. 'I'm sorry Abby' that phrase belongs to me now. I own it. It haunts me. The words would never be spoken to her, and actions will never try to justify them. This is it.
"You have some nerve coming here," he says to me controlling his voice, for her not for me. That much I know.
"I. . .is she?" I stutter, not exactly sure why I am here. It has nothing to do with nerve. Stupidity? Maybe. Guilt? Defiantly. But nerve? No.
His face hardens, and he almost turns around to look back through the window, but he stops himself. "You should leave." He tells me.
Inside I almost chuckle. Where did you think I was going Carter? "I will. .I am," I tell him.
"Now," he persists.
I nod my head, and repeat the word, "Now."
He's not done, even though I am. He continues to stare me down. I am sure I don't want to ask him what happened. I'm sure in that moment that I don't want to ask anyone what happened. She's alive; I'll take that knowledge with me and cherish it for the rest of my life. She's alive.
"Forever," he warns sealing my fate.
I nod, allowing myself to whisper the word. I'm not sure if it was for me or for him. Tell her I love her that is what I want to tell him, but I don't. I glance back towards the door, but I find him blocking my view.
Goodbye Abby, forever. I'm sorry.
Goodbye Chen, forever. I'm sorry.
I'll be sorry forever.
**Present:
"Today," Luka replied. Yes today was wrong. Today would forever be wrong.
Christina noticed that his gaze was far away. She was unsure of what his reply meant, so she asked, "What happened?"
He looked at her gauging the worry in her eyes. Was it enough to tell her? Yes. "It was a long time ago," he said quietly.
She was unsure of what to say that would keep him talking so she moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him, and remained quiet.
He told her, all of it. She didn't run. He told her about how he didn't stop, how he had left Abby, how he walked away from Susan. Still she remained.
He held on to her tightly, allowing years of frustration, guilt, shame, and hatred to spill from his eyes. He cried for them. He cried for himself.
As he used up all the tears he had, she still held him close. He pulled away first, needing to look into her eyes. There was no judgment in them. Only love, and worry.
She smiled letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere.
"I never told her I was sorry," he whispered to her.
"I'm sure she knew," She replied, "I'm sure she knows."
He looked up into the sky noticing the millions of stars for the first time in years. He smiled, and pulled her into his arms again.
It ends here, today. "I'm sorry," he tells the stars.
He was sorry, he would always be sorry, but it was time to let go.
Closure wouldn't come, because he would never see her again, but it was time to move on.
He stood up, bringing Christina with him and he led them inside.
"Goodbye," he whispered to the day as he shut the door on it.
Tomorrow would come.
He could wait.
To anyone who is still confused by the format: the story is written in flashback/present couplings, although the flashbacks are written in first person, and for the most part, especially in later chapters do not contain the name of the person who's POV it is written in the present that immediately follows, is written about the particular character. In other words the narrator of the flashback is identified as the main character of the immediately following present. Still confused? E-mail me and I'll see how I can help.
Now on to chapter 14:
**Flashback:
"I don't want any tests," I say. I think I whisper, but I'm unsure. I don't want any tests. If they don't do any tests then he won't know, he can't know. We need to go home, we need to move on. He can't know I'm damaged.
He hasn't replied, "Please John, no tests." Yes please let me forget, help me to forget. You can't know what happened. Now I know that he already did, but in the moment hope overrode common sense. Hope, yes at that moment I still held hope tightly in my hands crushing it. Using it to its fullest.
"Okay," the small word sends such assurance through me. I would have smiled if it had been at all possible.
I'm sure he notices, and yet it's still not enough, "Promise," I ask, no I think I plead.
He opens his mouth to speak, to promise, but my gaze is averted.
He never speaks the word.
Luka stands in the hall, looking through the window. I attempt to move back again, but find myself against the wall already.
I look at him, his eyes are hazy and I'm unsure of what he wants. I'm unsure of what to do.
Carter obviously wasn't as unsure because he soundlessly stands up and moves towards the door. He looks back before opening it and says, "I'll be right outside."
I nod. Fear and relief pass through me as if they were complimenting emotions instead of complete opposites.
Fear is heightened because I am alone. I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be scared. I want it to stop. Can't someone take it all away?
Relief is just as prominent. No one stares at me as I sit alone; no one looks or touches me as if I am about to break. I am not glass. I am not precious. I'm just me.
He's just outside, so relief slightly overrides fear. He won't let anyone else in. I'm safe.
**Present:
This was it. There was no turning back now; Abby was now standing on the threshold of the place that haunted her at night.
She walked through the doors with precision to her destination. She glanced at the desk clerk and realized she didn't know the women. She had never thought about who would still be here. Maybe everyone was gone?
She didn't stop to wonder, she moved methodically towards her objective. She came to a stop when she had found it.
Cara pulled at her hand, but she couldn't look down. No, she was transfixed. The doors in front of her lead to the past. 'Trauma Two', two words that she had not spoken together since before that fateful day.
Her eyes became slightly blurry, as she stood at a halt. She was unable to approach, yet just as unable to walk away.
"Ma'am can I help you?" the question burned the moment.
"No," she said.
"Are you looking for someone?" Callie asked.
Abby shook her head.
"Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the young med student persisted.
"I. .have to do something," Abby said trying to keep her voice from breaking.
"Ma'am I'm going to have to get security if you don't leave."
Abby nodded, but she didn't move.
She heard Callie's footsteps walk away, but she kept her vigilance.
**Flashback:
"Carter," I say his name cautiously as he enters the hallway, quietly yet forcefully closing the door behind him. He makes it clear that I will not enter the room; I will not enter her life. He won't allow it.
Although I should feel angry, I feel relieved. I can't face her. Not now, not ever. 'I'm sorry Abby' that phrase belongs to me now. I own it. It haunts me. The words would never be spoken to her, and actions will never try to justify them. This is it.
"You have some nerve coming here," he says to me controlling his voice, for her not for me. That much I know.
"I. . .is she?" I stutter, not exactly sure why I am here. It has nothing to do with nerve. Stupidity? Maybe. Guilt? Defiantly. But nerve? No.
His face hardens, and he almost turns around to look back through the window, but he stops himself. "You should leave." He tells me.
Inside I almost chuckle. Where did you think I was going Carter? "I will. .I am," I tell him.
"Now," he persists.
I nod my head, and repeat the word, "Now."
He's not done, even though I am. He continues to stare me down. I am sure I don't want to ask him what happened. I'm sure in that moment that I don't want to ask anyone what happened. She's alive; I'll take that knowledge with me and cherish it for the rest of my life. She's alive.
"Forever," he warns sealing my fate.
I nod, allowing myself to whisper the word. I'm not sure if it was for me or for him. Tell her I love her that is what I want to tell him, but I don't. I glance back towards the door, but I find him blocking my view.
Goodbye Abby, forever. I'm sorry.
Goodbye Chen, forever. I'm sorry.
I'll be sorry forever.
**Present:
"Today," Luka replied. Yes today was wrong. Today would forever be wrong.
Christina noticed that his gaze was far away. She was unsure of what his reply meant, so she asked, "What happened?"
He looked at her gauging the worry in her eyes. Was it enough to tell her? Yes. "It was a long time ago," he said quietly.
She was unsure of what to say that would keep him talking so she moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him, and remained quiet.
He told her, all of it. She didn't run. He told her about how he didn't stop, how he had left Abby, how he walked away from Susan. Still she remained.
He held on to her tightly, allowing years of frustration, guilt, shame, and hatred to spill from his eyes. He cried for them. He cried for himself.
As he used up all the tears he had, she still held him close. He pulled away first, needing to look into her eyes. There was no judgment in them. Only love, and worry.
She smiled letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere.
"I never told her I was sorry," he whispered to her.
"I'm sure she knew," She replied, "I'm sure she knows."
He looked up into the sky noticing the millions of stars for the first time in years. He smiled, and pulled her into his arms again.
It ends here, today. "I'm sorry," he tells the stars.
He was sorry, he would always be sorry, but it was time to let go.
Closure wouldn't come, because he would never see her again, but it was time to move on.
He stood up, bringing Christina with him and he led them inside.
"Goodbye," he whispered to the day as he shut the door on it.
Tomorrow would come.
He could wait.