As usual I own nothing but the characters you don't recognise. Unless you have never read Jeeves and Wooster, then you won't know any of them. Oh, well, on with the story.

Chapter Two

I heard Aunt Agatha's loud voice in the kitchen, and then the door popped open. The relative was all set to barge into my chambers, but she didn't have to barge that far.

"Bertram Wilberforce Wooster! What on earth."

I stood like a deer, caught in the headlights, quivering. The aunt's gaze hit me in the eyeball, and I felt my being slowly turning to ice.

"Bertram, get some clothes on! I refuse to talk to you in your nightwear!"

And with that, she bustled past me, and went and sat down. Turning back to the kitchen, I perceived Jeeves, beginning to float toward my Aunt. I stopped him dead with a raised eyebrow. I motioned for him to follow me, and I stalked into my bedroom.

"Jeeves, why did you not detain the woman?"

"With all due respect, sir, I found it extremely difficult to detain Mrs Spencer Gregson."

I nodded, somewhat sympathetically. I understood, of course. My Aunt is particularly hard to detain.

"Bertram! Go and get dressed, this instant!"

With that, I pulled on the old garments, and tottered out again. Jeeves was offering the relation a glass of something, when she spotted me.

"There you are! Now, Bertie, I have been thinking about your marital status. It is imperative you should marry. And soon."

I saw the black hole looming up before me. I saw also my Aunt, grasping me like a helpless child, and yanking me into the abyss. I have pretty much always been against a sane man, forfeiting all the joys in life for a partner. I would also like to consider myself, a sane man.

"No! Look here, dear Aunt. I won't marry!"

The relative's face and eyes hit me forcibly. I was knocked, quite literally, backward.

"Bertram! I have already selected a perfect wife for you."

The black abyss widened, like the mouth of a tiger, about to begin its meal. I groaned.

"Who is it?"

"Duke Georgehath's daughter, Olivia. You have been invited round for the afternoon, tomorrow."

And with these final words, she swooshed out.

I turned to Jeeves. However, right at that moment the doorbell pinged, and he shimmered off. I sank into the armchair, shivering. The Aunt was on the warpath, armed with hatchet. Needless to say she had already began her battle plan. Bertram looked to be well and truly in the soup, unless action was swiftly taken.

Jeeves glided in again.

"Mr Little, sir."

I jumped for joy. As I believe I've said before, it is hard to jump in a sitting position, but somehow, I performed the feat once more.

"Bingo!"

The man toddled in. He was his usual, jovial self. I was glad about this, you see if he isn't, then it invariably means he's come round to pester me, to be part of some dreadful scheme. The experience of trying to hijack his wife's report on her life with him, before it got into my Aunt Dahlia's paper, was all to clear in the mind.

"Hello Bertie! I've just popped round to ask if you'd come to a theatrical performance. It's tonight, I have two tickets, but Rosie can't come as she needs to finish her latest novel."

"Oh, really? Well I'd be delighted Bingo, old egg. I have something that needs discussing with you."

"Super. I'll pick you up at nine, then. Toodle pip!"

He popped out again, and I suddenly felt very weak. I couldn't account for it at first, but then I got it. Jeeves had sauntered off with my tea, after I had nearly spilt it. Just then, the man himself appeared at my elbow.

"Shall I make you a cup of tea, sir? I noted that you have not yet had your morning drink."

"No Jeeves. I need something stronger. You couldn't brew one of your pick- me-ups, by any chance?"

"Certainly, sir."