**Flashback:
"You shouldn't want to touch me, I should disgust you," I screamed and pushed myself out of his arms.
I looked at him briefly before running out of the room. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to leave the apartment, just the thought made me shiver.
I turned into the one room that I could lock myself in, again.
The bathroom.
I couldn't breathe as I slammed the door shut and made sure the lock was turned.
He said my name over and over again.
My arms pushed firmly on the door, in case the lock gave out I guess.
I felt myself hyperventilating, but I could do nothing to stop it.
"Abby, please," his voice pleaded again.
"Stop," I screamed as loud as I could. Tears fell heavily down my face once again.
I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't.
"Just open the door, Abs, I just want to help you," he assured.
"You can't," I whispered, unsure if he heard me or not.
I turned my back to the door, leaning heavily on it and slid down to the floor. I hugged my knees tightly once again.
"Baby please let me in," I heard him say, but I didn't respond.
I felt so dirty, sitting there crying on the floor. I felt so ashamed, so worthless.
I stood up after a while and walked toward the tub and turned the water on. Once it warmed up I turned the shower on and got into the bathtub. I just stood there letting the water mix with my salty tears.
I wanted it to all go away, for it to just end. Why couldn't it just end?
I was lost for a time, until I realized my whole body was shivering, and that I hadn't taken any of my clothes off, so my clothes were drenched through.
My teeth chattered gently, as I turned of the water and stepped out of the tub.
I didn't have many options so I quietly walked over to the door and whispered, "Carter," my voice quivering.
"I'm right here," he replied quickly and I could hear him stand up.
"Can you get me some clothes?" I asked embarrassed.
"Of course," he replied, "can you open the door?"
Tears once again spilled from my cheeks as I slowly turned the lock.
I still shivered as he opened the door and looked at me. He didn't say anything, but he bit his bottom lip. I could tell he was mad.
"I forgot," I stuttered.
"Hey, its okay," he quickly said as I watched him grab a towel out off the rack and wrap it around my shoulders.
I didn't want him to touch me, but I also didn't move away.
"I'm sorry," I whispered as I looked around at the mess I had made, with water covering the floor.
"It's okay, Abby," he tried to assure me, but I knew it wasn't. "I'm going to go get you some new clothes," he then said.
I nodded dumbly, and whispered I'm sorry again after him.
**Present:
Abby sat on the couch awaiting his inevitable entrance into the room.
She had known that this would be hard, and tears sprang involuntarily to her eyes.
She heard him enter the room behind her, and she wiped quickly at her eyes.
He swallowed hard, unsure of the best way to begin.
"I'm sorry," she offered, not attempting to turn and face him.
"I'm a dad," he whispered just loud enough for her to hear.
He came around the couch and sat on the coffee table in front of her only to notice her eyes downcast at the floor.
He gently lifted her chin to look at him and observed unexpected tears running down her face.
"Abby," he gently said her name.
"Just promise me," she asked him, "Promise you won't take her away from me," she almost begged. "She's all I have."
"I would never take her away from you," he answered, taking her hands in his.
"I didn't mean to keep her from you," she told him, "I just, I couldn't come back here."
"I know," he acknowledged.
"I was so scared all the time," she explained.
He nodded, not wanting to interrupt.
"Maggie made me go to a hospital, and when I found out I was pregnant I panicked. I thought it was his, and I couldn't deal with that," Abby continued.
He squeezed her hand gently, giving her support to go on.
"But she wasn't. I was six weeks, I don't know how we didn't know."
He couldn't help but smile. Yeah, they should have known.
"I wanted to tell you, but I just, couldn't." she tried to explain, "I know that probably doesn't make sense, but I just couldn't."
"You went through a lot that day. More then anyone ever should. I know that Abs, I'm not mad, I'm just glad you finally came home," he explained.
"Thank you."
"I still love you Abby, I always have," he told her, slightly afraid of what reaction his words would bring.
"I love you too," she smiled throwing her arms around him.
As she pulled back, they looked into each other's eyes seeing only truth, and love.
"Where have you guys been living?" he asked.
"Orlando," she answered simply.
"Not Minnesota?" he questioned.
"Not since Maggie died," Abby explained.
Carter was taken back, "I'm sorry, I. ."
"It's okay," Abby assured, "You didn't know."
"When?" Carter asked.
"A couple years ago," Abby explained, "She never got to see Cara."
Her name brought a smile to his face instantly, though it wasn't appropriate for the conversation.
His smile made Abby smile as well.
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"It's okay, it was years ago. I don't know what I would have done without Maggie's help though. I probably wouldn't be here. I probably would never have gone to therapy."
"Are you still in therapy?" he asked gently.
She shook her head slowly. "I'm okay now. I really am. Cara, she. . ." Abby began then looked away from him carefully before looking back and saying, "she changed my life. She gave me something worth living for."
"I want her to know who I am," Carter said cautiously.
"Me too," Abby said with a smile, slightly startling Carter.
"Thank you."
"Is it okay if I take a shower?" Abby asked needing to get away for a few minutes.
"Sure."
**Flashback:
I went back into our room and grabbed some clothes from the dresser. I honestly didn't know what else to do.
Getting Abby out of the wet clothes was the first thing on my mind.
Then we'd approach the subject of going back to the hospital.
When I came back I found her standing in the same spot, her entire body shivering. Tears fell easily from her eyes and she looked at me hopelessly. I wouldn't let her give up hope, I couldn't.
I grabbed another large towel from the rack and wrapped it around her shivering body, and pulled her into an embrace.
She didn't pull away; she just sank into my embrace and cried.
Unfortunately I knew that I had to get her into some dry clothes, so I pulled away slowly.
She eyed me carefully as pulled away, and I explained, "We just need to get you out of those wet clothes."
She nodded her head slowly.
"Want me to wait outside?" I asked.
She hesitated, I knew she wanted to say yes, but she wasn't sure if she'd need any help. She did know that she didn't want any.
"Why don't I help you get your sweatshirt off?" I offered. I wasn't exactly sure how many layers of clothes she had hidden herself in.
She nodded her head ever so slightly.
When she was down to her t-shirt and pants I left the room, not fully closing the door behind me. I didn't want her to lock herself in again.
When she had changed into new clothes she opened the door, I think I startled her by being in the hallway.
"Do you want to go back to bed?" I asked slowly.
"No," she answered quietly.
"Are you hungry?"
"No," she answered in the same timid voice.
"I could get dressed and we could go back to the hospital," I offered hoping she would accept.
"You promised," she demanded.
"Abby I promised you wouldn't have any tests last night, but you know that you need to go back," I explained.
"No," she said breaking down again.
I held her in my arms while she sobbed once again.
**Present:
"Where's my Mommy?" Cara questioned startling Carter who sat on the couch by himself.
"She's taking a shower," Carter answered.
"Oh," Cara said.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
She shook her little head and asked, "Do you have any juice?"
"Sure," he said quickly getting up.
He noticed that she held the little bear that he had found earlier tightly in her hands.
Lets go see what kind of juice I have," he said motioning for Cara to follow him to the kitchen.
"Okay," she said quietly.
As they entered the kitchen Cara climbed into one of the chairs, while Carter opened the fridge.
"Do you like orange or apple juice?" Carter asked.
"Apple," Cara replied.
Carter was glad that he still had some apple juice left from the last time he watched Aason and Lacie.
He took out a plastic cup and filled it partially with juice, and then handed it to Cara.
"Thank you," she said politely.
"Your welcome," he smiled.
Her hair was ruffled from sleep and her cheeks were still a soft pinkish color, but she was the most beautiful site Carter had ever seen.
"Do you have any coloring books?" Cara asked startling him.
"Um, no I don't think so," he said moving to look through the bookshelf.
He didn't notice as Cara quietly exited the room, so when he turned back around he was shocked not to see her.
"Cara," he called down the hallway.
"I just wanted to get my toys," she explained carrying a small backpack that Carter hadn't really noticed before. "I brought my crayons," she explained digging into the bag, "but I forgot my coloring books."
"Well lets go into the other room, and I'm sure I can find something," Carter said picking up the small bag that Cara was dragging across the floor more then carrying.
They entered the living room and Cara jumped onto the couch.
"Here's a book," she exclaimed motioning to the open medical journal on the table.
Not wanting to disappoint the little girl he said, "Okay, you can color on that."
Her eyes lit up with excitement.
Carter just sat watching Cara color. She would explain to him what each picture was while she colored.
He loved having her attention.
After a few minutes Carter went back to the kitchen for some more juice.
Just as he was about to pour it into a cup he heard, "Carter what are you doing?" yelled, which caused him to spill it all over the floor.
He looked around not finding Abby, so he walked out into the room only to observe Abby taking the journal away from Cara.
She heard him enter and she immediately began apologizing for Cara.
"It's okay," he told Abby, "I told her she could."
"I told you Mommy," Cara said in tears.
"You're sure?" Abby questioned.
"Yeah, its alright," he said.
"I'm sorry Cara," Abby apologized as she laid the book back down on the table.
~~
Author's note:
Well it's been a long, great journey and I've loved writing this story. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement throughout it.
I know this isn't really an ending, but it's where I'm going to stop.
I'm no longer an ER fan, and I'm definitely no longer a John Carter fan, so it has become increasingly difficult to continue writing.
I've had a great time writing and I appreciate everyone who reviewed this story, or any of my other stories on this site.
As always I'd love to hear what you thought. Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com
Thanks so much,
~Hailie
"You shouldn't want to touch me, I should disgust you," I screamed and pushed myself out of his arms.
I looked at him briefly before running out of the room. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to leave the apartment, just the thought made me shiver.
I turned into the one room that I could lock myself in, again.
The bathroom.
I couldn't breathe as I slammed the door shut and made sure the lock was turned.
He said my name over and over again.
My arms pushed firmly on the door, in case the lock gave out I guess.
I felt myself hyperventilating, but I could do nothing to stop it.
"Abby, please," his voice pleaded again.
"Stop," I screamed as loud as I could. Tears fell heavily down my face once again.
I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't.
"Just open the door, Abs, I just want to help you," he assured.
"You can't," I whispered, unsure if he heard me or not.
I turned my back to the door, leaning heavily on it and slid down to the floor. I hugged my knees tightly once again.
"Baby please let me in," I heard him say, but I didn't respond.
I felt so dirty, sitting there crying on the floor. I felt so ashamed, so worthless.
I stood up after a while and walked toward the tub and turned the water on. Once it warmed up I turned the shower on and got into the bathtub. I just stood there letting the water mix with my salty tears.
I wanted it to all go away, for it to just end. Why couldn't it just end?
I was lost for a time, until I realized my whole body was shivering, and that I hadn't taken any of my clothes off, so my clothes were drenched through.
My teeth chattered gently, as I turned of the water and stepped out of the tub.
I didn't have many options so I quietly walked over to the door and whispered, "Carter," my voice quivering.
"I'm right here," he replied quickly and I could hear him stand up.
"Can you get me some clothes?" I asked embarrassed.
"Of course," he replied, "can you open the door?"
Tears once again spilled from my cheeks as I slowly turned the lock.
I still shivered as he opened the door and looked at me. He didn't say anything, but he bit his bottom lip. I could tell he was mad.
"I forgot," I stuttered.
"Hey, its okay," he quickly said as I watched him grab a towel out off the rack and wrap it around my shoulders.
I didn't want him to touch me, but I also didn't move away.
"I'm sorry," I whispered as I looked around at the mess I had made, with water covering the floor.
"It's okay, Abby," he tried to assure me, but I knew it wasn't. "I'm going to go get you some new clothes," he then said.
I nodded dumbly, and whispered I'm sorry again after him.
**Present:
Abby sat on the couch awaiting his inevitable entrance into the room.
She had known that this would be hard, and tears sprang involuntarily to her eyes.
She heard him enter the room behind her, and she wiped quickly at her eyes.
He swallowed hard, unsure of the best way to begin.
"I'm sorry," she offered, not attempting to turn and face him.
"I'm a dad," he whispered just loud enough for her to hear.
He came around the couch and sat on the coffee table in front of her only to notice her eyes downcast at the floor.
He gently lifted her chin to look at him and observed unexpected tears running down her face.
"Abby," he gently said her name.
"Just promise me," she asked him, "Promise you won't take her away from me," she almost begged. "She's all I have."
"I would never take her away from you," he answered, taking her hands in his.
"I didn't mean to keep her from you," she told him, "I just, I couldn't come back here."
"I know," he acknowledged.
"I was so scared all the time," she explained.
He nodded, not wanting to interrupt.
"Maggie made me go to a hospital, and when I found out I was pregnant I panicked. I thought it was his, and I couldn't deal with that," Abby continued.
He squeezed her hand gently, giving her support to go on.
"But she wasn't. I was six weeks, I don't know how we didn't know."
He couldn't help but smile. Yeah, they should have known.
"I wanted to tell you, but I just, couldn't." she tried to explain, "I know that probably doesn't make sense, but I just couldn't."
"You went through a lot that day. More then anyone ever should. I know that Abs, I'm not mad, I'm just glad you finally came home," he explained.
"Thank you."
"I still love you Abby, I always have," he told her, slightly afraid of what reaction his words would bring.
"I love you too," she smiled throwing her arms around him.
As she pulled back, they looked into each other's eyes seeing only truth, and love.
"Where have you guys been living?" he asked.
"Orlando," she answered simply.
"Not Minnesota?" he questioned.
"Not since Maggie died," Abby explained.
Carter was taken back, "I'm sorry, I. ."
"It's okay," Abby assured, "You didn't know."
"When?" Carter asked.
"A couple years ago," Abby explained, "She never got to see Cara."
Her name brought a smile to his face instantly, though it wasn't appropriate for the conversation.
His smile made Abby smile as well.
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"It's okay, it was years ago. I don't know what I would have done without Maggie's help though. I probably wouldn't be here. I probably would never have gone to therapy."
"Are you still in therapy?" he asked gently.
She shook her head slowly. "I'm okay now. I really am. Cara, she. . ." Abby began then looked away from him carefully before looking back and saying, "she changed my life. She gave me something worth living for."
"I want her to know who I am," Carter said cautiously.
"Me too," Abby said with a smile, slightly startling Carter.
"Thank you."
"Is it okay if I take a shower?" Abby asked needing to get away for a few minutes.
"Sure."
**Flashback:
I went back into our room and grabbed some clothes from the dresser. I honestly didn't know what else to do.
Getting Abby out of the wet clothes was the first thing on my mind.
Then we'd approach the subject of going back to the hospital.
When I came back I found her standing in the same spot, her entire body shivering. Tears fell easily from her eyes and she looked at me hopelessly. I wouldn't let her give up hope, I couldn't.
I grabbed another large towel from the rack and wrapped it around her shivering body, and pulled her into an embrace.
She didn't pull away; she just sank into my embrace and cried.
Unfortunately I knew that I had to get her into some dry clothes, so I pulled away slowly.
She eyed me carefully as pulled away, and I explained, "We just need to get you out of those wet clothes."
She nodded her head slowly.
"Want me to wait outside?" I asked.
She hesitated, I knew she wanted to say yes, but she wasn't sure if she'd need any help. She did know that she didn't want any.
"Why don't I help you get your sweatshirt off?" I offered. I wasn't exactly sure how many layers of clothes she had hidden herself in.
She nodded her head ever so slightly.
When she was down to her t-shirt and pants I left the room, not fully closing the door behind me. I didn't want her to lock herself in again.
When she had changed into new clothes she opened the door, I think I startled her by being in the hallway.
"Do you want to go back to bed?" I asked slowly.
"No," she answered quietly.
"Are you hungry?"
"No," she answered in the same timid voice.
"I could get dressed and we could go back to the hospital," I offered hoping she would accept.
"You promised," she demanded.
"Abby I promised you wouldn't have any tests last night, but you know that you need to go back," I explained.
"No," she said breaking down again.
I held her in my arms while she sobbed once again.
**Present:
"Where's my Mommy?" Cara questioned startling Carter who sat on the couch by himself.
"She's taking a shower," Carter answered.
"Oh," Cara said.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
She shook her little head and asked, "Do you have any juice?"
"Sure," he said quickly getting up.
He noticed that she held the little bear that he had found earlier tightly in her hands.
Lets go see what kind of juice I have," he said motioning for Cara to follow him to the kitchen.
"Okay," she said quietly.
As they entered the kitchen Cara climbed into one of the chairs, while Carter opened the fridge.
"Do you like orange or apple juice?" Carter asked.
"Apple," Cara replied.
Carter was glad that he still had some apple juice left from the last time he watched Aason and Lacie.
He took out a plastic cup and filled it partially with juice, and then handed it to Cara.
"Thank you," she said politely.
"Your welcome," he smiled.
Her hair was ruffled from sleep and her cheeks were still a soft pinkish color, but she was the most beautiful site Carter had ever seen.
"Do you have any coloring books?" Cara asked startling him.
"Um, no I don't think so," he said moving to look through the bookshelf.
He didn't notice as Cara quietly exited the room, so when he turned back around he was shocked not to see her.
"Cara," he called down the hallway.
"I just wanted to get my toys," she explained carrying a small backpack that Carter hadn't really noticed before. "I brought my crayons," she explained digging into the bag, "but I forgot my coloring books."
"Well lets go into the other room, and I'm sure I can find something," Carter said picking up the small bag that Cara was dragging across the floor more then carrying.
They entered the living room and Cara jumped onto the couch.
"Here's a book," she exclaimed motioning to the open medical journal on the table.
Not wanting to disappoint the little girl he said, "Okay, you can color on that."
Her eyes lit up with excitement.
Carter just sat watching Cara color. She would explain to him what each picture was while she colored.
He loved having her attention.
After a few minutes Carter went back to the kitchen for some more juice.
Just as he was about to pour it into a cup he heard, "Carter what are you doing?" yelled, which caused him to spill it all over the floor.
He looked around not finding Abby, so he walked out into the room only to observe Abby taking the journal away from Cara.
She heard him enter and she immediately began apologizing for Cara.
"It's okay," he told Abby, "I told her she could."
"I told you Mommy," Cara said in tears.
"You're sure?" Abby questioned.
"Yeah, its alright," he said.
"I'm sorry Cara," Abby apologized as she laid the book back down on the table.
~~
Author's note:
Well it's been a long, great journey and I've loved writing this story. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement throughout it.
I know this isn't really an ending, but it's where I'm going to stop.
I'm no longer an ER fan, and I'm definitely no longer a John Carter fan, so it has become increasingly difficult to continue writing.
I've had a great time writing and I appreciate everyone who reviewed this story, or any of my other stories on this site.
As always I'd love to hear what you thought. Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com
Thanks so much,
~Hailie