Part Twelve in the "Reflections" Series,
written by Sapphira
Short Story Based on the WB TV Series "Tarzan"
Song sung by Michelle Branch
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Disclaimer: Don't own any of it… not the characters, the music, or the tv series in any form… I am making no profit off of this, or ANY of my other fanfics… I'm writing it purely for my own enjoyment, and hopefully for the enjoyment of some of the fellow fans.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it… just drop me a line and tell me where it is going… ;)
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Author's Note – This is the twelfth part in an on-going series of mine, and is the sequel to "I'm With You", "Lies", "Fallen", "Forever", "Hollow", "Nothing Thicker Than Blood", "Dangerous Parallels", "Breathe In", "So Are You To Me", "Choices", and "A Similar Song"… Although all of these stories CAN be read as stand-alone pieces, I do hope that you will take the time and read all of them in order, if you have not done so already… Enjoy!
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Summary – "Maybe it wasn't him she had finally begun to see, because surely she must have always known what lay within his heart… Maybe it was really herself that she had finally started to discover." Jane's POV at end of "For Love of Country"… Part 12 in Reflections Series…
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"It's You"
She was bruised from one end to the other. Her feet were aching, her jaw was throbbing, the muscles in her abdomen were stiff again, she hungered for a decent meal, and desperately wanted a shower, a comb, a toothbrush, and a clean change of clothes. Not necessarily in that order.
And yet, looking up into the dazzling starlit sky above them, she also never wanted this night to end.
Even though they had just set in motion a new chain of events that she couldn't even begin to guess at where it would take them – and a part of her was relieved to have finally made some sort of a decision – part of her really regretted it all the same.
Only about twenty minutes had passed since they had left Sam. Only about twenty minutes since their discussion about what to do next had faded away into companionable silence.
She had really wanted to know what his thoughts were on the idea of going back and facing everything that they had left in New York. And she realized that just a day or so ago she would have been really surprised by his agreement. But after the day that they had spent together… really after the last two days they had spent together, she had seen a lot in him that had changed how she looked at him.
The moment early that morning with the wolf still haunted her. She knew she would never be able to get over the sensory overload that that had invoked. But it had just been one moment in a long line of them throughout the day.
Climbing that tree with John and then playing in the lake had been… fun. It had been fun. Strange how she found that such a foreign sensation, but then again, there hadn't been very much 'fun' going around the past couple of months. What her and John had shared today had been liberating. She had enjoyed herself. She couldn't remember the last time she had done that. Couldn't remember the last time she had just simply let go and let the cards fall where they may. Couldn't remember the last time she had simply just stopped thinking all together, and had allowed herself to simply feel.
She wouldn't trade those moments today with him for anything.
It was difficult for her to know what was real and what wasn't anymore. Her and John had been thrown together in such an overwhelming fashion. Forced to deal with the rest of the world and their emotions for one another in less than perfect and far from normal scenarios.
But today… today had helped her clear up some of those doubts. It had just been the two of them, and John had opened up to her in ways that he never had before. He had told her how it had felt over time, living in the jungle by himself… and her heart still ached from the pain and the sense of desolation that she interpreted from those simple words.
"You must have been so much more at home there, then you are in the city."
"At home?"
"Uh huh."
"No."
"But you knew it so well. I mean, John, it was your world."
"No, it wasn't."
"Why not?"
"There was no one like me… I was different. Alone. It was dark all the time… In here…"
He had touched the place directly over her heart with the pads of his calloused fingers, and she had felt that gentlest of caresses strike her all the way to her core. She had known in that moment, that the devil would be ice-skating in hell before she would ever let him endure an existence like that again.
Tonight, John could have killed Gene. In fact, that was exactly what Jane had thought he was going to do, and she had told Gene as much. But she had seen the look in John's eyes when he had held Gene's head in a chokehold. Palm pressed against the side of his head, preparing to snap his neck. She had seen that look… and she had known then that no matter how enraged he was, he didn't want to kill him. It wasn't going to come to him as easily as maybe she had first thought it would. She could almost see the wheels turning in his head. Knew he was replaying her words spoken to him that previous night. Knew he was thinking over the possibility of actually doing it her way, rather than his.
He could have snapped Gene's neck, she wouldn't have stopped him. She couldn't have stopped him. But she knew that the part of her that was connected to him would die if he had, because it would have killed everything that she believed in and knew him to be.
And he had realized that, too. And he had let go. For her, he had let Gene go.
Even so, she knew what it had cost him to do that. Gene had had every intention of killing her. He had beaten her unconscious, and had then attempted to knock her about a second time in order to get her to call out to John. He had been a fool to think that she would. Hadn't she proved what lengths she was willing to go to in order to protect John back at the landing strip?
John saw himself as her protector. He guarded her like he had seen the male animals in the jungle guard their mates. Her safety seemed to always be his number one concern, and at times she found it incredibly ironic that she as a cop would have the very person she was trying to protect, trying to protect her at the same time.
But this afternoon, when they had been on the run, she had depended on him nonetheless, because she had been completely out of her element.
It hadn't really surprised her that he had already gotten the lay of the land. That he knew exactly where to go, and where the best place was to hide. He had guided her unerringly through a forest that had all looked the same to her, and had kept her moving. When he had sensed that someone was closing in on them – who had actually turned out to be Sam – he had tossed her down to the ground, and his body had covered hers momentarily, as he rose up on all fours, shielding her… preparing to launch an attack if need be.
But he had still taken a moment to touch his body to hers in comfort. Much like the way he had been all along. She had realized somewhere in all of that mess that that was his way of comforting her. When they had been up in the tree, his hand had cupped her mouth gently at first to impress upon her the need to be quiet, but had then moved down to her throat to rest against her rabidly beating pulse. When she had accidentally slammed her side into a broken, protruding trunk and had fallen to the ground, he had helped her back up, but had then cupped the sides of her face soothingly when she was berating herself for slowing him down. Throughout all of it, there had never really been a critical moment where he hadn't touched her in some form. A reassuring brush of the hand, an encouraging nudge from his hip, the comforting press of his skin… and she had found herself trusting in him the way she trusted in very few people. Trusting that he would keep her safe.
Which was why she had felt so compelled to ask him what his thoughts were about possibly returning to the City.
"I've been thinking… I've been thinking about the plane that was supposed to take you home."
"Even with no mirror, you keep looking back."
"Well, this time I'm looking in the other direction. I'm looking forward to the next plane… I don't want you to get on it."
"When I'm here… you're in danger."
When he had spoken those words to her, something low in her gut had twisted coldly. She had known then that the moment of doubt she had had that morning after seeing him with the wolf had been a realistic concern.
She didn't know why it was that he had stayed the first time. She didn't think that his reasons were related to him having seen Gene brutalizing her at the gate; she didn't think that he had even seen what was happening until he had well and truly disembarked from the jet. But somehow she had known he had been thinking back on that… thinking back on it, and blaming himself for it.
And now… now she didn't have to assume that he was already thinking about leaving her again. His words proved it. And it had forced her to choose her following words carefully.
"There are worse things."
"Like what?"
"Like you spending the rest of your life alone because of me. I don't want that. And I don't know what's going to happen with… us… Or, with anything. But I'm sick of running. I think we should go back, and face your uncle. Face everything… What do you think?"
She had often wondered about the thoughts running through his mind at that moment. All the different emotions her words must have brought about within him… but his reply had been surprising in all its simplicity… but she had begun to wonder if maybe there was a double meaning behind it… As if he was wanting to assure himself that no matter what happened, she wouldn't disappear. He wanted to know that she would still be there in his life, after it was all said and done.
"Will you teach me how to drive?"
It had brought such a sense of relief to her, and her answering smile reflected that. Shimmering with the welcoming tinge of laughter.
"Yeah... Yeah, sure."
As they had walked down the road side by side, heading back in the direction that they had originally come, she had been aware of the way he had continued to brush up against her. It wasn't so much with a sensual design – although there was always that flowing between them when they were together, like a steadily pulsating current with no end – but much like an echo of what they had endured those few hours that they had been on the run. And even though their roles had been reversed back again to what they had almost always been since their first meeting, she had seen all too well the person he could become when the situation arose.
He had been very much in control. Dominate almost. This was a world that he was familiar with. A world where you either learned how to stay one step ahead of those that hunted you, or you didn't live long enough to regret the lack of knowledge. There had been no child-like innocence. No confusion. No uncertainty on his part.
He had been in his element, and she had caught a glimpse of the man the she knew would slowly begin to emerge more and more over the coming months as he became more certain of his role within her world.
It made her realize that maybe he wasn't quite as innocent as she had originally thought. Which, in a way, pleased her. And in others, provided an odd paradox that made it difficult for her to sort through her emotions as easily as she could have before.
As long she could have kept him safely within that box labeled as "child-like", it had been relatively easy for her to convince herself that a relationship between them was wrong as long as he was so innocent. Even though he was actually a little older than her, it was easy at times for her to view him as much younger… but now she knew her mind would not be able to provide her with that comforting luxury.
All it could do from here on out was to remember the heat in his eyes when he had ordered her to grab onto his hands so he could swing her effortlessly up into the tree where they had hidden for a few moments in time, and the pressure of his body behind her, conforming to the line of her slender back as he had held her between him and the security that the tree was temporarily providing.
It made her wonder what it would have been like between them, if their roles had been reversed. If she, for some unknown possibility, had been stranded in his world. Rather than him in hers.
Somehow, phrases like 'child-like' or 'innocent' or 'submissive' didn't meet the images that invoked… and a slight shudder ran down her spine at the thought of those that did.
She knew that when he finally crossed over into her world, she would be unable to keep him firmly within that box… hell, after the last couple of days, she didn't think she would even be able to hold him off even for that long. Not when she knew that the reasons for her resolutions to not involve them both in a physical relationship with each other were no longer even believable in her eyes… much less anybody else's.
It left her suddenly on dangerous and unstable ground, wondering how in the world she was going to find her balance.
Something about that thought had her looking over at John, where he was walking a couple of feet away from her, but mirroring her steps almost exactly. The moonlight cast beautiful shadows mixed with fragments of silver light across his features and hair… And even though the glow of the moon tended to make items it graced seem almost colorless, she could still see the beautiful shade of those watchful crystal blue eyes, and the golden highlights in that tawny mane of hair.
Maybe he was where her so desperately needed balance was. Maybe that was the answer to all of it.
What would happen if she did allow their relationship to become… more intimate? Would it make things easier? Would she finally be able to face the day with a clear head about where her emotions were taking her, and where her destiny lay? Or would it only complicate things further? Would jumping into something with him now potentially ruin their connection? Or would it suddenly make everything else around them okay?
She didn't know. She did know that she wanted him like she had never wanted anyone else, but she also knew that she didn't want to lose him. And if their relationship began to develop even further, and then something went wrong… that is exactly what would happen.
Maybe she was being foolish… Maybe she was just trying to find other reasons to keep him at arm's length, because first the whole deal with her needing to grieve for Michael, and then her conveniently thinking him far too innocent was getting old, even to her own ears. Maybe the real reason she was afraid was because she didn't know if she would be strong enough to withstand the storm that she knew she would be casting herself into if she allowed them to finally come together with all of their passions, all of their desires, and all of their dreams.
But then again, hadn't she felt like she was standing at the eye of that particular storm regardless over the last couple of months?
And hadn't he been there at her side throughout all of it?
And if that was all true, then was there anything legit really stopping her? Were any of her concerns reasonable, or just another way of her mind trying to save her from the emotions that roared to the surface every time that he touched her? If it was like this now, before they ever even kissed, what would it be like after?
She didn't need an answer to that. She already knew. And she doubted highly that there would be a stopping point… For either of them.
So, was that it? Was she just simply afraid of being consumed by him? Of consuming each other? How many people out there would kill to have the kind of connection that she did with John?
It was such a rare thing. In a way she didn't feel as if she deserved it. Deserved him. Why was it that he had been brought into her life, rather than one of the countless million other women that were in the City?
She had been completely honest with him back during their last conversation. She didn't know what was going to happen between them after they made it back to the City. Their prospects were frightening. She knew that there was a very good possibility that they would lose everything, but she couldn't convince herself that it had been for nothing. She wouldn't. Knowing John had changed her life, and she wasn't going to let him go back to an existence where he had to feel alone in order to survive, if there was the possibility that they could really have a chance.
And if that chance was offered to them, she knew she was going to have to make a choice, and make it fast. If she didn't honestly think that they could be together, then she would have to make a clean break. But a part of her knew that she would never be able to do that. The idea of losing him was too terrifying to put into words. But yet she wouldn't be able to continue with putting him off indefinitely.
If they made it through the hell that Richard had thrown their way, then she would have to put aside all of her fears, all the concerns, and the hang-ups, and simply listen to her heart and what it had been telling her from the beginning. And to hell with the rest.
On one token, she knew she would achieve a sort of peace with that inevitable outcome. A sense of contentment and belonging and happiness…
But on the other token, she had never been more frightened of a potential moment in the future in her entire life.
Because if there was one thing she knew about John, it was this… he wasn't going to settle for just a piece of her at a time. He would want, no, need all of her. He would demand all of her heart, all of her soul… and all of her body. And he would take all of that at once or never accept her at all. It was just the way he would be.
She would have to open herself up completely and take in all that he was, and all that he would be if she wanted to keep him. And in the process she would be baring her soul to him in a way she had never done with anyone else… because a part of her knew as well, that she would also never have it any other way between them.
//…If tomorrow never comes…//
But what if everything did backfire when they made it back to the city? What if they couldn't fight off the murder and conspiracy and assault charges? What if they lost the right to their futures, and in the process lost each other? What if tonight was really the last night that they would have together? Would she hate herself for not having had the guts to have made the most of it while she could? Would she regret not having kissed him the couple of times that the option had presented itself in the last 24 hours? Regretted not having made him stay with her throughout that night in the cabin?
//… I would want just one thing…//
She knew the answer to that. And it was yes. She would regret it. She already did, in a way.
In a way, she regretted every moment that they had shared in which she had turned away. She wished she could tell him that, but she really did think that he already knew.
//…I would tell it to the stars and the sun…//
But regardless of that, she knew that she didn't want their relationship to blossom in the midst of all this hell. They deserved to build upon what they already had, away from the stress and uncertainty of the events of the past two and a half months. They deserved the right to be with one another without having to worry every second of every minute of every day that their world was about to come exploding inward upon them. That was no way to consummate the type of bond that they had.
And maybe that was why she had wanted to go back. Maybe that was her way of answering his earlier question of whether or not she wanted him closer to her for always… or farther away forever.
//… I would write it for the world to see…//
She didn't want to have to run for the rest of her life, and she knew that would be exactly what she would be doing, because despite her earlier remark about not knowing what she would be choosing, she had known that she had already made her choice regardless when she had taken him with her out of the city… And the fact that she was willing to remain on the run with him if it came down to it had brought her up cold. She had started thinking about that. About losing her job, losing her sister, and losing the right to have a normal, happy life.
And then she started thinking about what John would be losing and the price that he would pay from having to lead such an existence, and had known then that they couldn't do it.
They owed it to themselves, and to what they felt for one another, to give it a fighting chance. It deserved at least that much. Else, how could it possibly be worth anything?
//…And it's you… The light changes when you're in the room…//
//… Oh, it's you…//
//… Oh, it's you.//
//… If tomorrow never comes…//
And that was why she didn't stop him right then and there on that pavement. Why she didn't pull him into her arms, and press her lips to his for the first time. Why she didn't pull him into the secluded darkness of the embracing forest, run her hands over his skin, and let him touch her in all the different ways that he had hungered for, for so long.
//… I would want just one wish…//
Because no matter how much she wanted it, especially when she knew it might possibly be their one and only chance, she still wasn't willing to sacrifice the dream that regardless of what happened, that they would still possibly be together in another time and another place completely separate from all of the surrounding trauma.
//… To kiss your quiet mouth…//
//… Trace the steps of my fingertips…//
They had already had so much taken away from them. She wouldn't let them take that as well. Because if she did succumb to that desire, then she would be admitting that a part of herself already believed that they were well and truly defeated, and that all that was left to them was a few desperate moments stolen in a shadow-filled forest.
She wouldn't go there. That possibility made her heart clench achingly. She wouldn't let herself believe that that was all that was left to them. She had to keep believing that everything that she had felt and was still feeling was for a reason…
And that reason wasn't simply to burn for him for the rest of her life, and yet forever be denied the sensation of his skin against hers again.
//…And it's you… The light changes when you're in the room…//
//… Oh, it's you…//
//… Oh, it's you.//
//Oh, it's you...//
Jane smiled faintly when John brushed his body against hers again. Just one of the many such moments since they had settled upon their destination. Hadn't she read somewhere that gorillas in the wild were very social creatures, with complex familial structures? Touch seemed to be very important to them, in all of its forms, and John carried with him the reflection of that need. It was like he had to touch her. Had to always find some way to be in contact. It was almost as if her presence soothed him. Providing his stressed out spirit with a balm of relaxation that she doubted very highly he felt at any other given moment when they were apart. That was part of the reason why she no longer tensed up or became defensive when he initiated contact between them. She knew it was the least that she could give him.
The other part was that, strangely enough, she had begun to crave the same tactile sensations from him as well for almost the exact same reasons. When he was touching her, it was as if the rest of the world melted away.
//… Oh, it's you…//
So she didn't even hesitate after his shoulder brushed gently up against hers of the hundredth time, to reach out with one hand, and slip it into his. Squeezing slightly.
His pace slowed as he turned those startling blue eyes in her direction, and for a moment, she feared he was going to pull her to a stop and in the process turn this fragile contact into something more than she was willing to allow it to become at that moment… but he didn't. He turned back towards the road stretching out in front of them, eyes continuously dancing over their surroundings, scouting for any potential dangers, and kept walking right along side her.
And he maintained possession of her hand the entire time. His unusually beautiful sculpted hand embracing hers firmly. Not willing to let go anytime soon.
And that was just fine by her, although a tinge of heat suddenly raced to the surface of her face to feel the texture of the skin stretching out across his warm, calloused palm.
Knowing her cheeks were probably turning a little pink, she looked ahead, towards the familiar glow of the massive city that they were pulling ever closer to. She had thought throughout the last forty-eight hours, that she had finally begun to understand him in ways that she never had before. That she was finally beginning to see him through different eyes… but maybe she had been wrong. Maybe it wasn't him she had finally begun to see, because surely she must have always known what lay within his heart… Maybe it was herself that she had finally been introduced to.
Maybe it was really herself that she had finally started to discover.
//… Oh, it's you…//
Looking down at their joined hands, she realized that no sentiment had ever been truer.
And then there was only room enough for one remaining fear and one desperate prayer that kept circulating throughout her mind as the end of their journey back into the city was pulling closer to its end, and the promise of a new day could literally be tasted on the tip of the tongue in the thinning night air as dawn slowly began its approach…
Please, God… don't let me fail him.
//Oh, it's you...//
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Please take moment to review… "A Similar Song" didn't get that much notice for some reason, so I hope interest in the "Reflections" series isn't dying off…
Okay, after this one, there is at least one more left in this series entitled (you guessed it) "Show Me The River", but I'm actually leaning towards most likely two more… nothing is concrete however, as I have yet to get far enough past the completion of this story to start thinking about what I'll be doing to bring this series down to its close (or extended hiatus, if somehow we do manage to get Tarzan back) But its not over just yet. There is more to come, so keep checking back…