9
Captain Debian le Nux peered through her sightscope at the white mist that covered the entire planet like an angel's wings. Small and almost perfectly spherical, with a moon that gave it a permanent brilliant white glow, Huntingdon 7 was truly a beautiful planet. It seemed almost a violation of the Emperor's holiness, that her spaceship was currently hanging over the blissful planet like a duck suspended in outer space by a mischevious FFTA time mage, enough weapons to completely sterilise it of life. Surely this majestic sphere couldn't really be as her superiors had described it to her; a breeding ground for a bizarre and unearthly cult of heretics, heretics so utterly lacking in morals that they would harbour the most dangerous criminals in the entire galaxy. It was captain Debian's personal responsibility, as the captain of an Emergency Vessel of Interplanetary Law-enforcement (EVIL for short) to find the criminals and bring them to justice, using any means possible. She had been following them since they escaped from the law planet with a stolen Titan, spied on them in the seediest Ork pubs known to humanity, and finally tracked them to the Dark Eldar home world Commoragh. She decided not to follow them there, primarily because she wasn't stupid. She waited and waited, and finally her time had come. She would meet them on this lonely low-priority planet and annihilate them from the face of the earth, like she had been specifically told not to.
"Any report on the Titan's movements?" she asked the astropath, who was in commune with the warp and stared at the wall with a glazed expression on his face. Debian decided to try a little of that warp-commune stuff when she got home. "Okay, we're landing!"
Thrusters whined as the spaceship slowly came to life and pushed its way relentlessly through the planet's magnetic field. The sky was pure white. The moon shone, a glare so blindingly bright that Debian had to fix a dark visor to her helmet. She looked around at the endless forest of snow-covered trees and bushes of tiny white flowers. Physics had been more than slightly obsessed with the colour white when it created this planet. The spaceship finally landed on top of a sheep and Debian led her troops out. She had been told to look for an evil heretic shrine. After a few hours of searching the innocent-looking planet, she finally found it; a large temple made of white marble. It was shaped like a stepped pyramid with an overhanging roof, held up by curiously-fashioned stone columns, and the massive doors bore the motif of a tall, bearded, mostly naked man holding aloft a staff with a snake wrapped around it, surrounded by holy light and arrows pointing up. A small cat played at his feet. Two monks dressed in white cowled robes and sandals stood at the door, power swords extended at the ready for hostile intruders. Debian couldn't see their eyes. Were they maddened by the foul chaos demon that they worshipped? Did they have forked tongues? Debian had never seen a heretic before; she usually dealt with prison escapees.
"Surrender the criminal in the name of the Emperor!" she yelled to the guards. They ignored her. One of them snored. Debian pointed her bolter at the man... and dropped to the floor, unconscious.
A brick had hit her squarely on the back of the head.
"How dare you point a gun at peaceful people!" roared a voice, "Eat brick, loser!"
A volley of bricks hurtled out of the nearby bushes, taking down four more of the unprepared troops. Although they were in full Space Marine armour, the brick-throwers seemed to know their exact vulnerable spots. The survivors drew their weapons and advanced upon the unseen attackers, who erupted from the bushes with a chorus of whooping battle cries. They were Eldar. Unarmed and unarmoured Eldar. They wore robes of multicoloured patches and had long stringy hair, also dyed every colour of the spectrum. Dodging and weaving their way through the firepower, they threw more bricks and jumped into the trees, laughing.
"Kill them! Exterminate them!" barked one of the Marines, firing aimlessly into the trees. They felt completely demoralised already. How did you fight an enemy who could render you powerless with ineffectual weapons and bad taste in clothing, who laughed in the face of death?
"Retreat!" he ordered as another wave of bricks pelted them, "Back to the ship! We'll have to destroy this planet before the madness spreads!"
"OH NO YOU FROGGING WELL DOOLOS DO NOT!!!"
The doomed marines looked up at the voice that boomed from the heavens like the Emperor. The great doors had opened, and giant footprints slammed into the ground as the hugest Titan they had ever seen marched towards them.
Captain Debian le Nux peered through her sightscope at the white mist that covered the entire planet like an angel's wings. Small and almost perfectly spherical, with a moon that gave it a permanent brilliant white glow, Huntingdon 7 was truly a beautiful planet. It seemed almost a violation of the Emperor's holiness, that her spaceship was currently hanging over the blissful planet like a duck suspended in outer space by a mischevious FFTA time mage, enough weapons to completely sterilise it of life. Surely this majestic sphere couldn't really be as her superiors had described it to her; a breeding ground for a bizarre and unearthly cult of heretics, heretics so utterly lacking in morals that they would harbour the most dangerous criminals in the entire galaxy. It was captain Debian's personal responsibility, as the captain of an Emergency Vessel of Interplanetary Law-enforcement (EVIL for short) to find the criminals and bring them to justice, using any means possible. She had been following them since they escaped from the law planet with a stolen Titan, spied on them in the seediest Ork pubs known to humanity, and finally tracked them to the Dark Eldar home world Commoragh. She decided not to follow them there, primarily because she wasn't stupid. She waited and waited, and finally her time had come. She would meet them on this lonely low-priority planet and annihilate them from the face of the earth, like she had been specifically told not to.
"Any report on the Titan's movements?" she asked the astropath, who was in commune with the warp and stared at the wall with a glazed expression on his face. Debian decided to try a little of that warp-commune stuff when she got home. "Okay, we're landing!"
Thrusters whined as the spaceship slowly came to life and pushed its way relentlessly through the planet's magnetic field. The sky was pure white. The moon shone, a glare so blindingly bright that Debian had to fix a dark visor to her helmet. She looked around at the endless forest of snow-covered trees and bushes of tiny white flowers. Physics had been more than slightly obsessed with the colour white when it created this planet. The spaceship finally landed on top of a sheep and Debian led her troops out. She had been told to look for an evil heretic shrine. After a few hours of searching the innocent-looking planet, she finally found it; a large temple made of white marble. It was shaped like a stepped pyramid with an overhanging roof, held up by curiously-fashioned stone columns, and the massive doors bore the motif of a tall, bearded, mostly naked man holding aloft a staff with a snake wrapped around it, surrounded by holy light and arrows pointing up. A small cat played at his feet. Two monks dressed in white cowled robes and sandals stood at the door, power swords extended at the ready for hostile intruders. Debian couldn't see their eyes. Were they maddened by the foul chaos demon that they worshipped? Did they have forked tongues? Debian had never seen a heretic before; she usually dealt with prison escapees.
"Surrender the criminal in the name of the Emperor!" she yelled to the guards. They ignored her. One of them snored. Debian pointed her bolter at the man... and dropped to the floor, unconscious.
A brick had hit her squarely on the back of the head.
"How dare you point a gun at peaceful people!" roared a voice, "Eat brick, loser!"
A volley of bricks hurtled out of the nearby bushes, taking down four more of the unprepared troops. Although they were in full Space Marine armour, the brick-throwers seemed to know their exact vulnerable spots. The survivors drew their weapons and advanced upon the unseen attackers, who erupted from the bushes with a chorus of whooping battle cries. They were Eldar. Unarmed and unarmoured Eldar. They wore robes of multicoloured patches and had long stringy hair, also dyed every colour of the spectrum. Dodging and weaving their way through the firepower, they threw more bricks and jumped into the trees, laughing.
"Kill them! Exterminate them!" barked one of the Marines, firing aimlessly into the trees. They felt completely demoralised already. How did you fight an enemy who could render you powerless with ineffectual weapons and bad taste in clothing, who laughed in the face of death?
"Retreat!" he ordered as another wave of bricks pelted them, "Back to the ship! We'll have to destroy this planet before the madness spreads!"
"OH NO YOU FROGGING WELL DOOLOS DO NOT!!!"
The doomed marines looked up at the voice that boomed from the heavens like the Emperor. The great doors had opened, and giant footprints slammed into the ground as the hugest Titan they had ever seen marched towards them.