~*~*~*~*~
SHATTERED HEART
CHAPTER 4
~*~*~*~*~
Why were you doing this to me, Inuyasha? Why is it that I have to be the one suffering and tearing apart my vacant soul over a fool such as yourself? Why is it that I have to keep in the many tears from trembling down my face and choke in my cries and screams of pain? Why is it that I have to suffer the consequences, after all I've done for you throughout these years?
It sometimes even seems like I was the faithful dog and not you. It sometimes seems like I would be the one following you around like a dog, the one who was behind you when you were in the dark. I was always there behind you, Inuyasha. Every step of the way! And then I see you with Ms. Clay-doh in those cursed hot springs and that's how you repay me? By making love to a mold of rotten bones...? Is that even comfortable? I don't even want to go there...
I don't give a flying fuck anymore...
~*~*~*~*~
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time...
~*~*~*~*~
I don't need you... I don't need your little pesky complaints or your stupid insults. I don't need your blunt compliments or your meaningless excuses over everything. I don't need them anymore...
I don't...
I don't need your over-protective pride or your naïve sense of power. I don't need your gorgeous orbs of yellow eyes or the cascading tumble of your silver hair. I don't need you to tell me that you'd always protect me no matter what. I don't need your comforting voice or your handsome smile or any of that crap!
I don't need that anymore! I don't!
But then I look myself in the mirror, and I couldn't believe myself... This couldn't be...
I was crying...
...Crying!
What kind of a fool was I?! I told myself I wasn't 'going to cry, but what did I do? I cried! Cursed Achilles' heel! Curse my weak self! Curse it all!
But to hell...
I couldn't resist my pillow anymore. I just couldn't...! It was way too much for me... I could taste the bitter saltiness of my tears, as they finally freed themselves from my over-conscious heart and shattered away their chains, dripping down my cheeks ever so freely... I looked down and bit my lips so hard I thought I'd bleed. But then I focused my attention to these little marks on the ground. And the first thing coming to my mind was my alarm clock...
It was that day when you came to look for me, and you broke it, thinking it was some kind of weapon of choice... I couldn't force myself to stay serious then, because...
It was funny...it truly was...!
That's when I finally turned my head away, and looked at my pillow again, a longing desire overtaking my senses... I couldn't hold it any longer... it was pointless...
I finally grabbed that cursed feather-filled thing and wept discreetly, my heart overtaking my mind and controlling my words with powerful impulses... My mind roamed through those memories I've been trying to hide away from for so long...
So many things I wished to think, so many things I didn't understand that I wanted to... So many thoughts buzzing around like little bees around their hive which was my heart. Many of them were so different from each and yet so alike. I wanted to just grip one of them and let them sting me, hoping their healing poison could flow through my veins and cure me from this Black Death...
But Gods, I realized something throughout my spiritual rebirth...
No matter how hard I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't kid myself anymore...
...I really did need you...
~*~*~*~*~
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight
It's only you and me...
~*~*~*~*~
I later felt my mother sooth me gently as I laid face down on my bed, my mother passing her gentle hands on my back, as if wanting to suck away my bubble of dark sadness.
"I'm so sorry, Kagome..." she whispered. Her voice was quivering for some reason, as if she was about to cry as well... "I wish I could make you feel better...But...I don't know what I can do for you..."
"Mama...!" I then hugged sat up and hugged her tightly, as I wanted to let her know that I could be strong, that she didn't have to waste her tears over me.
"Don't cry, mama...this isn't your fault..." I mumbled.
"But I can't take this anymore... even Souta is mourning for you... you don't deserve this, dear. You need to go back and make up."
I pulsed away from her, shaking my head refusing to believe what she just said. Did just say that she wants me to go back and see him again? I wished to see the face I shinned towards my mother. I wanted to see if I was terrified, or even bewildered or content to hear her advice.
"I know you love him, Kagome," she whispered as she caressed her hands around my cheeks, "I've been through the same things you have, and I've learned something that my mother told me when I was in this situation. She always told me to never kid yourself... If you feel love for a person, never deny it. Ignoring the truth will only make things worse, so stop it as soon as you can and do what you need to do..."
"But mother... I know he loves me... I saw it in his face. If only you've seen it, mama... it was so intense. I'm scared to go back and face him now... What will I say to him? What will I say to Shippou? To Kaede? Sango? Miroku?" I shook my head. "No, mama! I can't do it! No matter how much I want to, I can't! It'll be too much for me.!"
But my mother looked at me even more deeply, and her smiled made my heart warm with relief.
"How do you know that'll happen? No one can predict time, not even fate can. You'll never know if you don't try..." she said. I reached down my pocket, and took out a replica of a Shikon shard Kaede gave me. My mother cleaned my tears as I looked at her again, a slow smile arching on my lips.
I hugged her again as tightly as I could, and stood up. "Thanks, mama... You truly are the best..."
The only thing I saw before I left was my mother's soothing smile. I walked out again after so long of an absence to the outside world. Each step I took now fired up my strength, and made my body fill itself with an inestimable sum of vigor. My skin sucked the energy from the sun as it shined through the clouds, and a sigh escaped my throat as I reach the well after so many days.
I looked down the dim unknown, as I looked at the shard in my grip. The well was calling for me and begging me to go down thither. Fear started suck the courage out of me... I was starting to doubt: was I doing the right thing? Was I ready yet? Were you ready yet? I had no idea. But.
~ You'll never know if you don't try. ~
Those words came to me, and brushed away those evil hobgoblins of evil. I smirked at last, and jumped in...
~*~*~*~*~
SHATTERED HEART
CHAPTER 4
~*~*~*~*~
Why were you doing this to me, Inuyasha? Why is it that I have to be the one suffering and tearing apart my vacant soul over a fool such as yourself? Why is it that I have to keep in the many tears from trembling down my face and choke in my cries and screams of pain? Why is it that I have to suffer the consequences, after all I've done for you throughout these years?
It sometimes even seems like I was the faithful dog and not you. It sometimes seems like I would be the one following you around like a dog, the one who was behind you when you were in the dark. I was always there behind you, Inuyasha. Every step of the way! And then I see you with Ms. Clay-doh in those cursed hot springs and that's how you repay me? By making love to a mold of rotten bones...? Is that even comfortable? I don't even want to go there...
I don't give a flying fuck anymore...
~*~*~*~*~
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time...
~*~*~*~*~
I don't need you... I don't need your little pesky complaints or your stupid insults. I don't need your blunt compliments or your meaningless excuses over everything. I don't need them anymore...
I don't...
I don't need your over-protective pride or your naïve sense of power. I don't need your gorgeous orbs of yellow eyes or the cascading tumble of your silver hair. I don't need you to tell me that you'd always protect me no matter what. I don't need your comforting voice or your handsome smile or any of that crap!
I don't need that anymore! I don't!
But then I look myself in the mirror, and I couldn't believe myself... This couldn't be...
I was crying...
...Crying!
What kind of a fool was I?! I told myself I wasn't 'going to cry, but what did I do? I cried! Cursed Achilles' heel! Curse my weak self! Curse it all!
But to hell...
I couldn't resist my pillow anymore. I just couldn't...! It was way too much for me... I could taste the bitter saltiness of my tears, as they finally freed themselves from my over-conscious heart and shattered away their chains, dripping down my cheeks ever so freely... I looked down and bit my lips so hard I thought I'd bleed. But then I focused my attention to these little marks on the ground. And the first thing coming to my mind was my alarm clock...
It was that day when you came to look for me, and you broke it, thinking it was some kind of weapon of choice... I couldn't force myself to stay serious then, because...
It was funny...it truly was...!
That's when I finally turned my head away, and looked at my pillow again, a longing desire overtaking my senses... I couldn't hold it any longer... it was pointless...
I finally grabbed that cursed feather-filled thing and wept discreetly, my heart overtaking my mind and controlling my words with powerful impulses... My mind roamed through those memories I've been trying to hide away from for so long...
So many things I wished to think, so many things I didn't understand that I wanted to... So many thoughts buzzing around like little bees around their hive which was my heart. Many of them were so different from each and yet so alike. I wanted to just grip one of them and let them sting me, hoping their healing poison could flow through my veins and cure me from this Black Death...
But Gods, I realized something throughout my spiritual rebirth...
No matter how hard I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't kid myself anymore...
...I really did need you...
~*~*~*~*~
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight
It's only you and me...
~*~*~*~*~
I later felt my mother sooth me gently as I laid face down on my bed, my mother passing her gentle hands on my back, as if wanting to suck away my bubble of dark sadness.
"I'm so sorry, Kagome..." she whispered. Her voice was quivering for some reason, as if she was about to cry as well... "I wish I could make you feel better...But...I don't know what I can do for you..."
"Mama...!" I then hugged sat up and hugged her tightly, as I wanted to let her know that I could be strong, that she didn't have to waste her tears over me.
"Don't cry, mama...this isn't your fault..." I mumbled.
"But I can't take this anymore... even Souta is mourning for you... you don't deserve this, dear. You need to go back and make up."
I pulsed away from her, shaking my head refusing to believe what she just said. Did just say that she wants me to go back and see him again? I wished to see the face I shinned towards my mother. I wanted to see if I was terrified, or even bewildered or content to hear her advice.
"I know you love him, Kagome," she whispered as she caressed her hands around my cheeks, "I've been through the same things you have, and I've learned something that my mother told me when I was in this situation. She always told me to never kid yourself... If you feel love for a person, never deny it. Ignoring the truth will only make things worse, so stop it as soon as you can and do what you need to do..."
"But mother... I know he loves me... I saw it in his face. If only you've seen it, mama... it was so intense. I'm scared to go back and face him now... What will I say to him? What will I say to Shippou? To Kaede? Sango? Miroku?" I shook my head. "No, mama! I can't do it! No matter how much I want to, I can't! It'll be too much for me.!"
But my mother looked at me even more deeply, and her smiled made my heart warm with relief.
"How do you know that'll happen? No one can predict time, not even fate can. You'll never know if you don't try..." she said. I reached down my pocket, and took out a replica of a Shikon shard Kaede gave me. My mother cleaned my tears as I looked at her again, a slow smile arching on my lips.
I hugged her again as tightly as I could, and stood up. "Thanks, mama... You truly are the best..."
The only thing I saw before I left was my mother's soothing smile. I walked out again after so long of an absence to the outside world. Each step I took now fired up my strength, and made my body fill itself with an inestimable sum of vigor. My skin sucked the energy from the sun as it shined through the clouds, and a sigh escaped my throat as I reach the well after so many days.
I looked down the dim unknown, as I looked at the shard in my grip. The well was calling for me and begging me to go down thither. Fear started suck the courage out of me... I was starting to doubt: was I doing the right thing? Was I ready yet? Were you ready yet? I had no idea. But.
~ You'll never know if you don't try. ~
Those words came to me, and brushed away those evil hobgoblins of evil. I smirked at last, and jumped in...
~*~*~*~*~