Note: This is the first chapter of a fic that will be about four chapters long if I have my way. It revolves around Seissou Hen Kenshin, and I´m putting a dreadful effort into keeping everybody in character, considering both the manga and the OVAs, so suggestions are very much appreciated. In fact, I´m not ashamed of confessing that this is the result of an inner challenge: how to prove that Seissou Hen is not ourtrageous and has its explanations.
Two random things:
a)About Kenji: Against the trend of making him hate his father since he was born, from everything I ve seen, I´ve been able to gather that probably he did not feel angry before he became an adolescent and did not definitely freak out before Kenshin left for China. The "He hates his dad" of Volume 28 must be only a joke: it´s impossible for a toddler to hate his father for no reason. In fact, if we consider that babies feel uncomfortable with nervous persons, I´m afraid he would have felt more uncomfortable with his mother.
b)About ages (useful information): Kenshin is 43. Kaoru is 32. Kenji is 13. Yahiko is 25, Tsubame too (I think), and Megumi is 37. Oh, and Hiko is 58.
To Look Into Her Eyes
Chapter One: Return
The place was dark and dirty, the dirtiest he had ever seen in his life. There was a horrible smell of putrid blood floating in the air, and the suffocation, provoked by the unnatural heat of so many unfortunate bodies, was so unbearable that it felt to him as if the room was going to explode. Now and then, an anguished cry pierced the shadows.
"I´m sorry. I´m very sorry." he whispered. The woman with unnaturally swollen eyes, who did not care anymore about hiding the bleeding ravages of her body with the ragged blanket, gave another whine.
"I´m going to die. Don´t leave me…"
"You are not going to die yet. The doctor said so! I´m coming back in two weeks…."
"One week", the woman insisted with a croaked voice. "I have one week left."
"But…"
"Only one!"
It was useless, he thought, shaking his head with exasperation and pity. Either he went away without even saying anything, or he would have to get acquainted with the idea of staying there forever. How many times had she said now that it would be only a week, how many weeks had his stay been prolonged? He had lost count.
How much would they hate him in Tokyo by now?
For them, we´re not human beings. We are buried here alive until we cannot breathe anymore.
"Please…"
The woman´s eyes were gleaming with an eerie light, as if she really saw Death through them. As familiar as he was to all its forms by now, Himura Kenshin could not help but shudder. He could not stand those eyes.
"I cannot stay here for so much time", he finally said. "I... I have family."
"Family…" the woman repeated with longing, resting her head once again and quickly beginning to fall asleep. "That was nice… wasn´t it?"
Kenshin felt another knot forming in his throat.
"One week." he promised in a broken voice. "Only one."
* * * * *
The day that Kenshin finally arrived to the Tokyo station on the morning train, he was feeling more weary and old than what he had ever felt before. His body was stiff, his limbs ached, and his hands and feet were in a state of raw pain for some unknown reason that probably had much to do with standing all night and changing bandages all day. To add to all this, besides, he had not slept decently for ages, and he could see everybody staring at him because of the way he trailed towards his home.
Now, let´s see if they are going to welcome me or to throw me out…
He had stretched his time unbelievably, and he knew it. Since he had started taking care of the sick, in fact, it could well be said that he had never arrived home when he had promised he would. There were always too many, and too little time, and, just like when he had been a swordsman, he felt he had to surpass his limits and push his faltering body to an inhuman extent, letting this be both his penance and his making up for all the time he had lived ignoring what lay behind what was licit and proper to see. Sincerely speaking, those innocents he had always protected with his sword had never had anything to do with these people. They were a different world, a world of misery and suffering which had always existed, which could be compared to no war, and to which he, in spite of having been a hitokiri who thought he had seen Hell, would never wholly belong. And, in a way, it was because of this that he had promised to give his life to them now. He knew he had always found inner strength to back his iron will and carry out all his purposes, so, even if this one was more difficult, and he was not what he was when he had fought Shishio and Enishi, he did not plan to let it be the exception.
It was his family, the ones he left behind for this, and who missed him so much and were so upset with him for his long absences, the only thing that hurt him about that decision. As much as he tried to visit them as many times as he could, as much as he suffered any time he had to leave Kaoru alone, and see Kenji at each time more embittered with him, he could not say he felt guilty… a hard thing to say, but true nevertheless. They were not alone, they had each other, and Yahiko, and Tsubame and Tae. They had good health, they had their lives and their hopes. While all those people…they had no one.
To protect ones, you have to kill others. To let some live, you have to leave others to die.
All his life had been full of hard decisions, indeed. He had killed people to protect others, too many people. He had shattered his own body to follow an oath, and he had caused suffering to the people he loved the most to ease the sufferings of people who were loved by nobody. And still, as he always thought as soon as he reached the gates of the Kamiya compound and saw those who were waiting for him there, he would never get used to it. It hurt.
"Kenshin!" Her voice trembling of joy, Kaoru rushed towards him and embraced him, not minding at all Yahiko and Tsubame´s respective disgusted and shy looks. Her fierce attack, however, was too much for what Kenshin could handle in his state, and he nearly lost his footing trying to hold her.
"Kaoru-dono…"he said, her shocked expression as she got away and started to check his lamentable state not lost upon him. He only knew how to get older, but she was more beautiful each day. "I´m home."
"Kami-sama….Kenshin!" she cried, forgetting even to welcome him in her worry. "You look so… tired!"
"You look horrible". Yahiko corrected helpfully as he came near. "Have you come walking all the way?"
"All the way from the station", Kenshin answered with a brief rueful smile that hid a good share of nostalgy. "I´m glad to see you again, Yahiko. And Tsubame-dono too."
"Uh…thank you."As usual, Tsubame blushed. "Welcome home, Kenshin-san. I brought some food from…."
Before she could even finish the sentence, though, a noise of footsteps was heard behind them and made her stop. Soon, following her example, everybody turned back to see Kenji walking slowly towards them, a scowl in his face.
"Kenji…"Kenshin felt his heart sink momentarily as he saw the red haired boy. "You…have grown much. I´m glad to see you."
"You are late. Again." Kenji answered. At these words, Tsubame averted her glance, Kaoru sighed, and Yahiko shot him a warning look.
"Kenji-kun…" he began.
"He´s right." Kenshin interrupted Yahiko with a weary sign of his hand. "I´m late. And I´m sorry for this, though it couldn´t be helped. Now… why don´t we all go inside?"
He could feel the awkwardness he had created behind him, as well as if he had had eyes on his back. Kaoru was feeling guilty, Tsubame was feeling awful, and Yahiko was silently promising Kenji that they would talk about that issue later. For a moment, he remembered those times when Kenji had been happy each time he arrived, no matter how late it was, and once more concluded that it all was his own fault.
And yet, as he told himself once more while he crossed the familiar courtyard, it really couldn´t be helped.
* * * * *
"Megumi-san is going to arrive somewhere around tomorrow."
"Is she? "Kenshin paused for a moment in his meal." Oh, this is very good news! I really look forward to see her."
"I know you will have many things to talk about", Kaoru said meaningfully, after swallowing the morsel of food she had in her mouth. "Oh, Tsubame-chan, this is delicious!"
"Thank you", Tsubame answered, blushing once more. "Kaoru-san is right. "she added, turning towards Kenshin. "Since you both take care of the sick people, you can exchange impressions about your work. I… I admire both of you for that, I really do."
"Uh…Actually, I´d say she´s more admirable, since her skills save many people. I just try to help…", Kenshin muttered distractedly . He had not been able to avert his eye from Kenji since the start of the meal, while, on his part, Kenji had done everything he could to ignore him. He knew also that Kaoru had noticed the little game, and that she was wishing for it to stop, but so did he, too.
"So, how is your training progressing, Kenji?" he decided to ask in the end, changing the subject. Kenji could not suppress a start, and reluctantly raised his eyes from his plate.
"Uh? Very well, thank you."
"Pathetic", Yahiko intervened, earning himself a glare from the adolescent. "His last Hawatari was pitiful."
"Far better than yours at my age, I´d swear, Mr I-Know-Everything!" Kenji shouted. Yahiko lost no time to jump at that remark.
"Hey, you brat! How do you dare to say those things to your instructor!"
"He certainly reminds me of someone else", Kaoru intervened, suppressing a giggle. "Assistant instructor."
At this, everybody had to laugh (except Yahiko, of course), and even Tsubame joined the hilarious choir for a while before she gathered her composure and blushed, ashamed for laughing at her husband.
"You can come and see me anytime you want, anyway", Kenji continued, affecting indifference. "This way you´ll see I´m the one who´s right."
"Okay, now you´re definitely going to get it!"
"Bite me!"
"Shut up, both of you, or I´ll throw you out of MY house!"
"Easy, easy..." Without any difficulty, Kenshin found himself again falling into his old habit of calming the exalted discussions of his family members. Somehow, though, he had to confess he was glad of having started it this time, since it had worked surprisingly well to relax the tensions and make things start to fall back to their place, after the long awkwardness that always followed his late returns. Pity that, as always, once he had eventually sorted things out, he would have to leave again… "I´ll be glad to watch you, Kenji. But you cannot trust me to be a judge, I´m afraid."
"Well." Kenji shrugged his shoulders. "It´s not as if I cared or anything, after all."
* * * * *
After finishing the meal, and though it was evident for him that she was burning in badly concealed desire of being left alone with him, Kaoru realized that Kenshin really had to rest. He needed to have all the peace and quiet he could get, she said, so she was going to walk the children home – at this point, she purposefully ignored Yahiko´s fierce glare - while he slept. Kenshin made some weak attempt to protest at this decision, but when she made clear she wouldn´t have it any other way, he resigned and thought that, in spite of everything, she was right.
"I´m staying. I´m not a babysitter of people who are older than me." Kenji announced as he saw they were preparing to leave. Yahiko immediately opened his mouth to protest, but Kaoru stopped him.
"Have your way." she said. "But do not disturb your father."
"And why would I?" her son retorted petulantly.
"Yeah, why would you?" Yahiko grumbled. Then, he turned towards Kenshin. "Hey, I hope you have a good rest. Tomorrow, I´m expecting you to rise and shine!"
"All right." Kenshin smiled tiredly. "I´ll try."
* * * * *
Soon, though, Kenshin found that to keep his word would be far more difficult than what he had thought in the beginning. He was literally losing conscience when his clumsy hands unfolded the futon and he let himself drop down on it, but, once he was lying there, his scarce minutes of sleep were as restless as they could be. Each time he closed his eyes he felt himself pierced by swollen and sickly eyes, and his ears rang with cries of help until he woke up and tried to jump from the bed, to then remember where he was and wrap himself in the blanket with a shiver.
One more week. Please, one more week. Don´t leave me with them…
Was she dead? Was she alive, waiting for him? The doctor had told him she had still months to live on, but he had preferred to believe her since she had been right when she had said that those who took care of them were heartless and did not mind what happened to them. However, in the end, he had had to comply.
You don´t know what it is to be like this. You don´t know. You´ll never know.
Her eyes had become red after starting fixedly at the faded lamplight for so long.
I´m sorry. I´m very sorry. I promise I will return.
You are late. Again.
Suddenly, Kenshin regained complete consciousness, and he realized that what was ringing in his ear were battle cries. His son´s battle cries.
Kenji…he thought, getting up worriedly… to then realize that the boy was not fighting, but training. There were no battle cries belonging to another person, and his sword wasn´t meeting another, but something softer.
Evidently, trying to rest was useless.
He had to return soon. They needed him. He knew that until he returned he wouldn´t cease having those restless dreams, and his inner censor that always acquired such mastery inside his mind and body since the moment he made a determination would never cease haunting him. But his family… didn´t they need him too, to spend those days with them without other cares and worries than those related to them?
He had to find a way to sort this out. To somehow forget everything else whenever he was with them. But how could he? How would someone… forget…?
His thoughts were brusquely interrupted as he tried to get up and his ears began to ring, making him lose his balance and fall back, his head hurting. He was too surprised to utter a sound, so for a while he laid there, stupefied and clenching his teeth to handle the pain. Was he really so ruined? Had lack of sleep affected him that much?
It wasn´t like that before, he remembered with a sigh, doing another more cautious effort as the pangs began to disappear. It was not the first time he had a headache, but in that unhealthy place he had found it rather normal . His hands hurt as he used them to get up from the wooden floor, for they were full of sores.
I will live and forget for a while, he concluded, walking towards the shoji and pulling it open. If I don´t…a time might arrive when I won´t be able to help either of them.
And this, he added silently to himself, would truly be his death.
* * * * *
Kenji was doing his kata in the yard, his red hair flying in the wind as he performed sucession after sucession of smooth and perfect moves under the crimson sun of the last hours of dusk. His skill was admirable, and, even though he was holding a bokken and not a katana, his speed was so amazing that not many people would have been able to watch and understand what he was doing. For Kenshin, the dance had something enchanting, eerie, and he stayed there watching it as if mesmerized while his mind brought him back the remembrances of another, shorter redheaded boy, who had spent those hours doing the same. Well, he chided himself, the same but with a heavy katana. And jumping so high he had often hurt himself in the fall….
"Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu, Ryu Tsui Sen!" Kenji cried, taking impulse and ascending like an arrow towards the red sky. Seemingly oblivious of the shocked stare of his progenitor, he came down at the same speed, and hit his target with such accuracy and strength that it was split in two.
"Ouch", he growled, checking his limbs after he had also collided with said target. "Wasn´t this supposed to have some kind of trick to land correctly?"
"Kenji!" Unable to resist any longer, Kenshin got up and walked towards him. "What are you doing?'"
"Well, I thought you would know!" Kenji answered, apparently not surprised at all at his sudden presence there. "Hiko-san´s words were "Your father learned this one quite well to be him.""
"When has Shishou taught you this? How…?" No, this couldn´t be true. Kenshin closed his eyes and tried to gather his wits repeating it surely had been a hallucination, but it was to no avail. Pure worry and fear was pumping loud in his head, and not even words came correctly to his mouth.
"The last time I was at his house." Once again, Kenji was feigning indifference, though if Kenshin hadn´t been so horrified he would have been able to perceive a fierce desire of approval behind his cold glance.
As things were, though, he could not bring himself to give him any.
"Does your mother know that you are learning Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu?"
"Ummm…no", Kenji shrugged his shoulders. "She would not understand."
How…how dare he? Slowly but steadily, a deep anger directed at his Shishou was beginning to gather inside Kenshin. How dare he mess with my decisions?
Though, on the other hand... hadn´t he always had good reasons to do everything he did?
Well, I hope he will have a very good reason this time!, he growled to himself, clenching his fist under the long sleeve of his kimono. Because even if I don´t have time, I will find a day to climb up his mountain and tell him exactly what I…
Baka deshi. So you leave your son alone and then dare to criticise the ways of those who raise him? It was your responsibility and you left it to others, and therefore you should be thanking me and bringing me sake!
Empathy was a scary thing. Even before attempting that trip, he had heard clearly in his mind what Hiko would say. And yet…why…?
"Did I do it well, or not?"
"Uh?" Kenshin raised his head and attempted a weak smile. "Yes. I wouldn´t have done it better. You will be a really great swordsman one day, Kenji. But tell me… how was it that mastering the Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu didn´t leave you satisfied?"
Kenji threw his bokken to the ground, and snorted.
"Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu is nice, but it´s not good enough for me. I need a stronger technique."
"Yahiko said the same as you one day. In the end, he accepted the Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu as his style and became one of the strongest swordsmen there are today", Kenshin argued, though at the same time something told him that it was useless. He had had it in the back of his head before, but now it had become clear –or should have become clear- as he saw his son performing the Ryu Tsui Sen… even if he didn´t want to recognize it, Kenji was not the same as Yahiko.
Maybe he needs it. Indeed he would be better than I was at his age if it wasn´t because I was pushed far harder. If he was forever restrained to the Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu... maybe he would be suffocated. Did Shishou see that, and I didn´t?
But…what about his health?
He´s not you. He´s taller, he´s stronger…and he´s still growing. He can handle it. You couldn´t…but you didn't care.
And what if he….if he commits the mistakes that I committed?
He won´t. We live in a time of peace. He lives in peace. He has Kaoru and Yahiko…and Shishou…
"You are going to tell her, aren´t you?"
"What?" Snapped away from his reverie, Kenshin turned back to Kenji.
"I know you will. You don´t want me to be stronger than you."
Just like his baka father when he was his age, Hiko´s voice snorted inside his mind. This, of course, the year before you did the worst stupidity anyone had heard about in the last centuries…
"You are very wrong, Kenji." Kenshin sighed. "If I don´t want you to be like me it´s just because I don´t want you to suffer like I did."
"Bah!" His son shrugged his shoulders. "I won´t ever let myself be fooled by some stupid politician."
Unable to decide if this was meant as a reassurance or as an insult, Kenshin decided to take it as the former, and nodded.
"I know. After all, you have your mother by your side, the master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. But you´re almost a man now… and I hope you understand my concern. The Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu changed my life. It gave me power, but it also wrecked first my soul, and then my body. Even if I know this isn´t likely to happen to you, I´m worried."
"You don´t have to worry about me. I´m more than capable of taking care of myself. And still…"
"What?" Kenshin looked up again, and was surprised at the expression in his son´s eyes. He had never seen him like that before… a mature look that almost scared him. It was as if Kenji had grown several years in a minute. "Do you want to… tell me something?"
"Yes. And I will do so now that Yahiko and the others are not there to tell me to shut up because you are my father. As I was saying", the boy sat down next to him, "I can take care of myself. But she cannot."
"Do you mean Kaoru?" Kenshin´s surprise increased. "But of course she can! You don´t know how strong your mother is."
"No, it´s you who doesn´t know!" Kenji´s voice rose to a shout without aparent transition. "She smiles when you go away, and smiles when you return. But do you know what she did when you wrote that letter saying that you would stay in that forsaken place a week longer? She got inside her room and she cried all night! I heard her! And I…" he ceased shouting, though only to intensify the passion of his next statement, "have not forgiven you yet."
As in a dream, Kenshin saw his son getting up and turning away from him. He told him to stop, but his plea was unheard, and, when he was getting up to follow him and bring him back, his ears started to ring again. At first, he tried not to pay attention, but he felt his head beginning to explode and he fell down to the floor.
The last thing he remembered as he closed his eyes was Kenji´s frightened face.
* * * * *
"Ken…ji…"
"You awake?" The voice came from a great distance, as if he was hearing it from the depths of a cavern. His eyes did not want to focus at first, though after repeated efforts he could see he was back on his futon, Kenji at his side. For a moment, he even toyed with the idea that he might have dreamed about the conversation they had held before, but he had to discard it shortly after.
Unfortunately, it had been real.
"Hey, what happened to you? You scared me shitless! Is this your way of telling me I can´t upset you?"
"It was not that." Kenshin whispered, feeling a wave of pain at recognizing the hidden guilt in his son´s eyes as he sat down. "It´s just that I´m so very tired… But listen to me. I deserve anything you have to tell me. I have never intended to dodge deserved reproaches in my life, and I´m not planning on starting now. But, Kenji…."
He was a man now. It was no longer with childish tantrums that he had confronted him, and he would have to answer accordingly. And Kaoru…
The truth.
"Kenji… When the Bakumatsu was over, many years ago, I made an oath to atone for all the lives I had taken away because of my foolishness, and to help the people with my sword skills. I did so for many years… and during that time I met your mother, and I married her. I regret it."
"What?" Kenji´s face was as livid as rice powder, and Kenshin winced internally.
"No, I don´t regret it because of what you are thinking. I don´t regret it because I do not love her anymore, or because I didn´t love her back then. I love her so much it hurts. But, even though I wanted her so much, I told myself that our marriage was something that should never happen, for her sake. And so I evaded her for long. I vowed to protect her, I lived with her and I was kind to her, but I never let her know I loved her. I thought she would find another man, live happy and forget about me... until a series of events happened to both of us and it became apparent to me that in spite of my wishes, she was never going to find another, that she was bound to me in such a way that it was impossible for us to fall apart, and that she… and that she knew what would it be like and accepted it. She had shared my past. My oaths. The dangers I was exposed to…and still, she wanted me."
"And couldn´t you leave it behind even for her sake?" Kenji´s voice sounded less acid now, but still hurt. Kenshin shook his head, not sure of being capable of explaining something like that.
"I left it behind for four years, Kenji", he started nevertheless. "You were born in the interval, and we were very happy at having been granted such a great gift. However, when I was thirty-three or so, and as Megumi-dono had predicted, I ceased to be able to hold a sword. Everybody, myself included, thought that this was the end, that I wouldn´t be able to uphold my oath anymore, and that I would stay at home. But… I couldn´t. I started having nightmares at night, very painful ones. My victims were chasing me, pulling and suffocating me. Their cries… they rang in my ears each night, even at day when I stopped to think. I… I began to go insane. I scared everybody, and above all your mother."
"My, that you are… weird." There was some emotion behind Kenji´s features, though for once Kenshin was actually unable to discover which one. Instead, he chose to continue without making any comments.
"I knew then that I had to continue, no matter what, and even though I could not hold a sword anymore. I would help normal people, with their normal things. Sick people… injured people… poor people... whatever. I formally asked your mother´s permission, and, understanding, she gave it to me."
"She´s very selfless". Kenji muttered.
"Yes, indeed she is. Since the very first time I met her she has been the most selfless person I have ever known", Kenshin nodded. "But listen to me… What had started at first as a quest to save myself from my demons soon gave a dramatic spin when I discovered a world I had always ignored. Sick people… they are no abstractions, Kenji. Indeed they aren´t. You cannot even imagine what lies inside a hospital for syphilitics. You don´t know how lepers look like. They´re locked away from the sight of normal people, confined in unhealthy quarters or hospitals until they die forgotten for everybody, since the Western-oriented government we have started regarding public health as a matter of pride before the European nations. Their pain… it´s unbearable.
"Last week, a dying woman pleaded to me to stay with her a week more until she passed away. She´s terrified of the people that are supposed to look after her, because syphilitics are mistreated on a regular basis by their own caretakers, did you know? Her body is all bleeding, she cannot move anymore and most of the times she can´t even remember who she is." Kenshin sighed at seeing Kenji´s shock, and lowered his gaze. "I´m sorry, my son. But you deserved to know everything."
A long silence floated between the two after those words.
"Does…she…know?" Kenji ventured at last. "Mother, I mean."
"Yes." Kenshin nodded. "She does. And she´s so selfless she took good care from then on not to make me put her before any of them. Though I know she suffers, like everyone. I… I suffer too. I miss her as much as she misses me, and I suffer each time I have to leave her alone... She promised she would take good care of you, as if she was both of us… and, in turn, I promised her I would come here as many times as I could manage, wherever I was at each moment. Of late, she was very worried because you were acting bitter towards me, and she felt as if it was her fault because she hadn´t fulfilled her part of the promise. I don´t mean you shouldn´t be… but I´ve told you everything so that you can judge for yourself. This way, in the worst of cases, she will know at least that your hate is my own fault. "
Silence fell once more. And this time, none of them interrupted it for a very long while.
"All right." Suddenly, Kenji got up brusquely and walked towards the door. He did not turn his face, but Kenshin could have sworn his tone was hoarse. "I suppose I shouldn´t hate you, since Yahiko tells me all the time. Besides, if I´m going to start making her cry as well, I´d better shut up, so I forgive you this time. But keep this in mind, Father… I won´t wait always. In only two years I will be a man and I will be able to choose. And then I expect you to ask me permission too!"
"Kenji…"Kenshin shook his head with a half-painful smile.
"Don´t worry." he reassured the closed shoji. "I will."
* * * * *
The following morning, as he woke up at dawn, Kenshin could not remember when had he exactly been able to fall asleep with a restful, dreamless sleep. In some point of the night, though, he was slightly disturbed at hearing muffled voices and footsteps coming towards him, and someone bending over him to throw something over his lean frame, but he was so tired that he only rolled over the futon and continued sleeping.
(to be continued)