Author´s Note: First of all, thanks to all who reviewed. Reviews, of course, are always welcome, but your reviews were even especially welcomed, since they made me know you had liked the characterizations of Kenji and the Seissou Hen Kenshin, and this was what I was most worried about in that chapter. For me, in fact, Kenji was never a brat. I believe he loved his father, but that his father, by a tragical cumulus of circumstances, was not able to seize the opportunities he was offered. That´s one of the things I wanted to depict in this story: one of his last, maybe his last, opportunity. And also that none of them was entirely to blame for it, much less Kenji.
Finally, I forgot to put the disclaimer in the first chapter and say that Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Watsuki Nobuhiro. Anyway, I have always thought that, if I am publishing this as an entry for the Rurouni Kenshin category of a site called fanfiction.net, the fact that it´s not mine is implicited enough.
What was more grave, though, was that I forgot that Margit Ritzka has betaed all this.
1. To Look Into Her Eyes
Chapter Two: The Hard Truth
A bird was singing loudly in the nearest tree when Kenshin opened his eyes the next morning. For a moment, and maybe because his head was full of the shrill tones of its song, he was not able to place where he was, but then he felt a slight pressure on his back and slowly began to turn away. His heart warmed at the sight offered to him, taking the last lingering uneasiness away from his mind.
Kaoru.
Consciously or unconsciously, he did not know which one, she had snuggled up to him during the night. Until he had woken up and shifted from his position, her forehead had been resting on his back, her body curled in a ball and a pleased smile on her lips, and now, as he carefully placed a hand on her waist and drank the sight greedily with those eyes used to the utmost horrors, he thought that there surely couldn´t be anything lovelier in the world. Not a single worry creased her brow; there was no sadness in those eyes tightly shut in contentment. She looked like a child, a little girl who felt protected from the pain of the world here, in his arms….
A soft, yet keen sadness entered his heart at this thought, and tempered his happiness.
Kaoru…he thought, caressing each single one of her features with his eyes. I´m so sorry…
She was not aware of him or of his gaze, of his feelings or of his thoughts, but he would have sworn that her expression, even in her sleep, was meant to comfort him now and ease his doubts. In fact, to speak the truth, that was what she had been doing since the first years of their marriage, and there was no use in fooling himself into thinking it was the other way round. He was the one whose soul needed healing, whose body needed care, and whose decisions needed her support and her understanding…. and she, the little girl curled against him, had protected him with her strength. She had taken care of him all alone, with that quiet, though sometimes noisy strength that she carried naturally and without the need of any training.
And it had been enough for him.
Slowly, silently, but without being able to suppress the sudden urge, Kenshin´s face came closer to his wife´s, and his lips brushed hers. For a moment, he was ready to deepen the kiss, and to embrace her so tightly that he would feel inside him some of that strength, so full of love, hope and innocence in spite of everything… but still, his concerns about waking her up so early got into the way in the last moment and made him stop.
She needs more rest…
"Mmmmm...Kenshin, why didn´t you do it?" a disappointed voice pouted at his side. Absolutely taken by surprise, the red haired man´s eyes widened.
"Kaoru! I... I thought you were asleep!"
"With that bird singing out there?" She shook her head, crawling to cover the short distance that separated them and resting her head on his chest. Her dark locks smelt of home, of rest and of clear mornings, and above all of cleanliness and of health; so he gladly buried his face in them. "I love to stay in bed with my eyes closed when it´s early in the morning, and I was happy to be with you. But Kenshin… you haven´t answered my question yet."
"Here." With a smile, Kenshin let her head gently rest on the pillow and bent over her to give her a kiss. "Was this the right answer?"
"Kenshin…" Her face was instantly flushed in pleasure, and she smiled with warmth. "Hmmmm! I think this is going to be a great day, don´t you?"
"Uhhh….yes, maybe. The weather seems quite…oro! Why did you pull my hair, dear?"
"It´s useless to explain." Kaoru grumbled, struggling to get into a sitting position and combing her hair with her hands before getting out of the futon. "You´re too stupid to understand!"
I suppose this wasn´t the right answer…he thought ruefully, trying to do the same. Then, however, as his hand touched the floor, he barely could suppress a surprised cry of pain, and cursed softly. The sores…he had forgotten all about them.
"Kenshin?" Kaoru´s hesitant voice asked from the other side of the room. "What´s the matter?"
"Nothing, my love." It came out of his system even before the instinct to check the damage. "I´m fine."
* * * * *
"Sit down, please. I will do it."
"No, no way! You come here to look after yourself for a change, so sit down and enjoy your time!"
"You speak as if I was sick or crippled, Kaoru-d…"
"You will be if you don´t listen to me!"
"I believe you are overreacting. It´s only an insignificant task and it isn´t going to make me break in two, it really isn´t…"
"Can´t anyone get a bit of sleep in this house?" Suddenly surprised in the middle of their usual first morning argument, both Kaoru and Kenshin turned back to see a sleepy Kenji standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He was looking at them as if the scene was too stupid to be true, and for a moment Kenshin had the scary feeling that they were his children instead of the other way round.
I wonder if he´s spending too much time with Shishou…
"It´s late enough for you to be awake, so don´t exaggerate." Kaoru retorted, as skilled at recovering her composure as usual. "You sleep more than Yahiko!"
Kenji shrugged his shoulders at that.
"Who´s exaggerating now?"
His mother stared at him annoyedly. "Wash your face first and then we´ll talk. And now, back to the subject at hand…uh? Kenshin! What are you doing?"
As soon as he had realized that his wife was exclusively focused on his son for the present moment, Kenshin had lost no time and had begun preparing breakfast behind her back. He was aware of how childish his attitude could seem sometimes, but it had been like that since his bones began to ache for the first time and his muscles became so stiff he was unable to achieve a decent swing. When his life as a swordsman had come to an end, not an insignificant part of his anxiousness and frustration had been about being absolutely useless and unable to protect his family and friends anymore. He needed to feel he could do at least that, and so, in spite of Kaoru´s wrath (partly caused, on the other hand, by the assumption that he felt it was a better option to toil in the kitchen than to eat her food), in the end he usually showed her why people had always called him stubborn.
"Preparing breakfast, Kaoru-dono", he answered innocently.
"Which is always the better option", Kenji added himself as he entered the kitchen again.
Prepared, out of instinct, to try stopping the inevitable, telling Kaoru to take it easy, to think that Kenji had copied that habitude from Yahiko, and that since he was old enough to remember her cooking had improved so much nobody could seriously criticise it anymore, Kenshin was astounded to realise that his wife was not reacting to Kenji´s remark at all. Belatedly, he realized that, though his son had always preferred his cooking to his mother´s, he hadn´t said it since at least two years ago.
A smile, meaningful though small, came spontaneously to his features.
* * * * *
About half an hour later, as all three were busy having their breakfast, Yahiko made his appearance.
"Oh, come on..." he muttered in disbelief. "You are still having breakfast?"
"And you are already awake?" Kenji asked in turn, with the same disbelief all over his face. "Did you have a bad night or something?"
"The dojo is closed today, Yahiko, you should know", Kaoru intervened, slightly puzzled. "Or have you come to sneak food?"
Yahiko waved the remark away with disdain. "Why the hell would I want to sneak food from you? Tsubame cooks a hundred times better!"
"But you never have enough, do you?" Kenji, who had the firm belief that the only one allowed to insult his mother´s cooking was him, answered sharply.
"Will you shut up, you rude little…!"
"Is there something important that you have to tell us, maybe?" Kenshin intervened, quick as lightning.
"Uh…No, not important. "Yahiko scratched his ear pensively. "But I had heard that Megumi was arriving here in the morning, so…Uh? Kaoru, what´s that face for?"
"Is anything wrong, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked, puzzled as well as he saw that his wife was suddenly showing an expression of deep consternation.
"I…" Kaoru smiled a nervous smile. "Well… in fact… I remembered it yesterday when I told you in the morning, but later… I… I forgot it completely!"
"Great." Yahiko grumbled. "Now you make two!"
"Two?" Kenji asked curiously.
"Tsubame forgot too, and she promised to take care of our neighbour´s children today", the young samurai explained. "That´s why I came alone."
"But you could have told her to bring the children here as well." Kenshin laid his empty bowl on the table and got up.
"And impose on your hospitality? You know her, she never would have done something like th… hey, where are you going?"
"I think there´s still time to go to the market and buy food for everybody before Megumi-dono arrives", the redheaded man explained. "You can stay here and help arrange things a bit meanwhile."
"No, Kenshin." Already recovered from her embarrassment, Kaoru raised her head again to deathglare her husband. "You just arrived yesterday from living in a hospital for a month and a half! You are…"
"I will be fine, Kaoru-dono."
"This woman..." Yahiko shook his head. "It´s you who are going to make him sick if you keep on trying to imprison him all the time!"
"Don´t meddle in this!" Kaoru shouted, to vent her frustration on someone. "Kenshin…please, at least take Kenji with you."
"All right", he surrendered, seeing the pleading look in her eyes. He did not want to worry her even more, and besides, the sores in his hands would make it difficult for him to carry too many things. And, in fact, there was something he still had to discuss with his son, a thing that hadn´t been finished yesterday.
"Are we leaving, then?" he asked Kenji as he gathered the buckets.
"Okay." his son answered, getting up and following him with a face. "We leave."
"Don´t be long!"
Even before the shoji closed wholly behind them, Kaoru gave a sigh.
"That man…." she growled, starting to clear the table with quick movements. Perceiving her worries, Yahiko let her vent without saying anything. "He does not even know the meaning of the word "rest". He comes here spent, exhausted, and I cannot get into his hard head that he has to recover his energy and let us do things for him for a change! He´s so… so…"
"You know how he is." Yahiko shrugged his shoulders in what was more or less intended as a calming gesture. "Let him have his way, that´s what I´m telling you until I get hoarse. You can shout, argue or even tie him up, but you won´t get him to stop unless he gets ill."
"But, Yahiko, this is impossible." For a moment, Kaoru surprised her assistant master with a glance that the young man wouldn´t easily forget. Her blue eyes were full of unrestrained concern, glimmering with sadness, and even he had to feel the shadow of a knot forming in his throat this time. "He is ill already."
* * * * *
"I did not tell her anything", were the first words Kenji said after they had left the house.
"Tell her what?" Kenshin asked, confused.
"That you fainted yesterday." his son replied with a somewhat lower tone. "I promise you I didn´t."
"That I return tired from my trips is not a secret, Kenji", Kenshin answered as calmly as possible. Inside him, however, he was already beginning to worry as well with the issue. His feet were aching too, but it wasn´t just the aches. Since he had left the closed security of his house, the noises and movements of the people in the street were making him feel… dizzy.
"You… well, you never really returned like that before. I think you should go and see a doctor…" the boy ventured awkwardly." You know how Mother is, she will believe you´re going to die or something until someone reassures her."
Now, it was true puzzlement, as well as unrestrained worry, the emotions which got to Kenshin´s mind as he heard his son say those words. If it had been Kaoru, he would have been concerned enough, but Kenji worrying so much about his health…
Was it so evident?
"Don´t worry on my account, today I will be visited by the best doctor in Aizu", he answered, forgetting even that Kenji hadn´t voiced his concern as if it was his own. As his son immediately protested in outrage, he smiled and apologised.
"By the way", he changed the subject. "Did you tell Kaoru about the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu?"
"Uh...No, not yet", his son confessed. "I didn´t have time."
"Well, you can tell her today. This way you can tell Yahiko too."
"But, why?" Kenji let out a small sigh of frustration. "I mean, I´m sure she isn´t going to understand. And, besides, I will worry her to death."
"Then why did you learn it?" Kenshin asked simply. The answer did not come for a long time, but he did not mind; he knew it was inevitable and so he waited.
"I see it´s you who doesn´t understand. "Kenji said at last, with an annoyed tone."I told you I wouldn´t do anything stupid with it and you accepted my answer, but you´re worried about that again! Don´t you trust me?"
"I trust you", Kenshin answered, turning to face him and spy his countenance as he spoke. "Of course I do. But I want your mother to trust you as well."
In that very moment, as soon as those words had left his father´s mouth, the boy´s face showed clearly how much they had affected him. Kenshin swallowed deeply when he noticed, but continued walking with determination. If there was a way he could help his family to overcome some of their problems in the time he spent with them, he would do it as best as he could.
"If you tell her, you won´t worry her much. But if she finds out by herself at some later point she may feel very worried, and I don´t want that for either of you. Please, tell her today."
"All right." Kenji bowed his head in surrender. "I promise you now, I will. Just…don´t ask again, okay?"
"Okay." Kenshin smiled. "I won´t. I leave it in your hands. By the way… let´s stop here a bit."
"Uh?" Kenji´s eyes widened. "What for?"
"My feet." he confessed, ashamed. "I think I need a rest."
* * * * *
"I think the best course would be to tell Megumi when she arrives", Yahiko said, as he helped Kaoru to search for a futon for the doctor. "She´s the only one who can tell you if it´s something serious or your usual fawning over him. Though, on the other hand, I suppose she fawns over him, too. Hmmm… I wonder how he does it."
Kaoru simply nodded again at those words. This was beginning to worry Yahiko to death, though he would never ever have dreamt of confessing it. To see Kaoru so openly concerned with Kenshin´s health was bad enough, but to see her simply nodding at statements that would have made her viciously throw her sandal against his head under normal circumstances was even worse. What could he do?
Maybe…could work…
"Kaoru…"
"What?"
"How can you be sure it isn´t you who needs to be seen by Megumi?"
"Uh?"
"Couldn´t Kenshin have left you pregnant the last time he left? This could explain many things about you in these las d… ouch! Hey, what was that for, you ugly hag!"
"So many years and such an ignorant little brat!" Kaoru growled in outrage as she retrieved her sandal. "Be sure I´m going to tell Tsubame about this, Yahiko-chan!"
Somewhat relieved, Yahiko rubbed the bump on his head before he started arguing again. It was a fact: she would never cease to be brutal.
It seemed that things were not that bad, after all.
* * * * *
When Kenshin and Kenji arrived at last, it was already so late that Kaoru had had plenty of time to feel nervous and be sure and certain that Megumi was going to step inside at one moment or another. Yahiko in particular was deeply grateful to see that they were back, for he had been already sent outside about fifteen times to check that a carriage hadn´t stopped in front of the dojo gate.
"One would think we´re waiting for an important person", he grumbled. "Hey, it´s just Megumi! It´s not as if she was going to go back to Aizu if the house is dirty of something…"
"Agreed!" Kenji nodded, panting as he left the huge quantities of food they had bought in the floor of the kitchen.
"Don´t complain so much. You´re rude kids who do not know anything about politeness." Kaoru intervened, as she immediately started to wash the rice and the vegetables. "Kenshin, I have prepared a bath for you and a clean kimono. You cannot welcome her in this state."
"Thank you very much, Kaoru-dono", Kenshin answered, turning back to leave. He was too tired at the moment to do anything else, but, somehow, he did not want her to notice.
Kenji is right, he said to himself, as he undressed minutes later in the bathhouse. I have to ask Megumi to see me as soon as I can.
And yet… what on Earth could be the matter with him? He had carefully examined every option in his mind, and still he was not sure if it could be something horrible or the greatest nonsense in the world. Maybe he had got some infection while tending to the sick. Maybe he was just more tired than usual, as he had worked more than usual, and had got a mild fever because of that. Maybe the sores were the marks of a disease, or maybe they were the natural result of standing all day and doing so many things with his hands, like changing bandages and such.
Maybe, finally, he could just be getting old.
I´ll never get used to this, he thought, putting his filthy green kimono away. Carefully, he got into the bath, and sighed when the hot water began to relax his aching muscles. He had almost forgotten how pleasurable a bath was. In fact, he had not been even allowed to have the most remote thought of one since exactly a month and a half ago, when he last…
Uh? What´s this?
Suddenly snapped away from his musings, Kenshin looked closely at the parcel of his skin that had called for his attention. In the zone between his belly and his hip, excelling by its peculiar look among all the other battle scars, a new mark had started to appear.. It had a faint colour, and it was long and thin, really more like a fissure than like a wound, but he had positive it hadn´t been there the last time.
Megumi-dono will have work here as soon as she arrives, he told himself in silence. Of course, he would never confess it to anyone, but he was beginning to be seriously worried.
* * * * *
Fortunately enough for poor Kaoru – and for her two long-suffering "kitchen aides"-, Megumi had the detail of arriving later than expected, once the food was safely cooked and even the table set. She stepped down from her carriage with her usual gracefulness, bowed her thanks to the driver, and graced the boy who carried her luggage with a smile from which, as Kaoru thought enviously, he would surely get enough warmness for weeks.
"Welcome home, Megumi-san!" she beamed as her friend stopped in front of them and bowed in greeting.
"Oh, my…" The doctor shook her head. Under her mildly amused glance, Kaoru suddenly realized she hadn´t had time to change her kimono after her kitchen exploits. "Did I come in a bad moment?"
"The ugly hag was torturing us in the kitchen", Yahiko explained, with a tone that implied no less than the "torture" part was to be taken literally.
"Don´t call my mother like that!" Kenji shouted angrily. "Besides, it was you, the one who started the fire!"
"Easy, easy!" Somehow, Kenshin managed to manoeuvre his body in order to get himself between Yahiko and his son. "Please, come in, Megumi-dono. We´re all very glad to have you with us again."
"Ken-san! You are here! What wonderful coinciden…" The smile in Megumi´s face widened considerably as she saw him for the first time, but then, as she looked at him closely, it was replaced by a consternated look she had difficulties to smother. Even as she managed to make it pass unnoticed to the others, Kenshin could see it, and his own worries were increased even more.
"Oh, poor Ken-san!" she teased half-heartedly. "Has your wife been starving you? Don´t worry, I´m here now, and I will take good care of you!"
"Sorry to crush your theory, but he arrived yesterday", Kaoru replied, sensing also somewhat weird about Megumi and frustrated at not being able to put her finger on what it was. "So leave him alone. He´s too tired for you to fuss over him."
"Then it´s evident that what he needs is a doctor, isn´t it?" Megumi retorted with a wicked smile. Her eyes, however, were fixed in Kenshin´s, and they transmitted an unequivocal, sad and worried message. "He´s lucky I´m here to offer my medical services, right, Ken-san?"
"Ladies, ladies…" Weakly, Kenshin did a vague effort to continue the game and stop a teasing that wasn´t being taken as such by anybody. "Let´s get inside, all right? Megumi-dono must be very tired after her long journey. Yahiko, Kenji, could you please help her with her things?"
Before he turned away, though, his gaze met Megumi´s once more, and he nodded slightly, to let her know that he had understood.
* * * * *
"So?"
Megumi lifted her face from her close inspection of the rash that had just appeared on Kenshin´s skin, and sighed. She looked so tense that even the air she breathed somehow felt heavier.
"No matter how many years, you won´t ever turn into the beating about the bush type, will you?" she said. They were at last alone in a private room after they had finished having lunch, under the pretext of "having a talk about their job", but she was sure that the lie hadn´t passed wholly unnoticed. Especially after she had practically run into Kenji when she was sneaking her medical bag out from her room.
"I need to know what´s exactly happening to my body", Kenshin answered. He felt it was useless to keep a mask on his face in her presence, since she knew better than him everything he had, and she seemed to have thought the same about her own. From the very moment he slid the shoji shut she hadn´t smiled again.
"You told me you spent the last month in a hospital for syphilitics, didn´t you?" she asked once more. This time, though, something in the question made a glimmer of meaning sink into his brain.
"Do you mean…?"
"And did you say that you didn´t notice this until today?"
"Yes. I hadn´t had a bath since the last time I was at home."
"And the sores on your feet are the same as those you have on your hands?"
"Yes. The same brown colour."
"And you had strong headaches yesterday?"
"Yes."
"I…" For the first time since they had started, for the first time in many years, Takani Megumi hesitated. "I may have a diagnosis."
"And what is it? Tell me." Kenshin urged her. He was starting to feel…very impatient. He could have even sworn that his heart was beating louder. "You know you can tell me everything. There is nothing I´m not ready to take as long as it only involves me…"
But then, to his deep shock, Megumi started to laugh. It was not a normal laugh… he could perceive clearly that there was something deranged in it. Something broken.
"As long as it only involves you? You? Oh, Kami-sama!" As suddenly as it had started, her mirth subsided and gave way to a strangled sob. Immediately, she got away and turned her back on him, under the pretence of searching for something among her things, and Kenshin did not dare to stop her, fascinated as he was by her… totally new and frightening behaviour. He had known her in the very worst moments of her life, and yet he would have sworn that he had never seen her like that.
"Congratulations, Ken-san. You finally got what you wanted, what you were striving for during all your life. You finally wrecked yourself for good."
(to be continued)