Well, here is Chapter Three at last. Sorry for the delay. What can I say? Here, the angst comes in loads at last. I also tried to show Tsubame´s connection with Kenshin, for, as it only appeared in the Jinchuu saga, and in the anime they forgot about it, many people don´t even know it exists. Again, thanks to all the reviewers, and to Margit for beta-ing this.
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Watsuki Nobuhiro. Seissou Hen doesn´t, though. ^_^
To Look Into Her Eyes
Chapter Three: Gift or Punishment
Once upon a time, life had been a nightmare for her. She had been innocent, and that innocence had got her tangled in so many crimes that she had not been able to see the light of the day anymore, so drowned had she been in their hideous depths. Once upon a time, she had been childish and a coward, but not even by running away and hiding behind others she had been able to escape her sins.
Once upon a time, she had needed a miracle. And very well did she know that no miracles would help her.
I cannot save him.
He had not just freed her from the grasp of the heartless man who had needed her for his dark business. He had not just used the very sound of a name he had tried desperately to leave behind to save her from the police, and to conceal what she had done to allow her another chance. No, he had done far more than that… or she, she knew it very well, would be dead right now. Maybe killed by her own hands, or maybe just drowned in despair… she did not know how far her cowardice did go even now.
I cannot do anything for him.
When she had told him about the people who were searching for her, he had naturally asked who they were, and what business they did have with her. Then, to make things worse, the opium had fallen from the sleeve of her kimono, and she had known she had had lost her chance. However, he had unexpectedly agreed to help her, and when she had refused to speak about her past or her connection with the whole affair he had resigned himself with a sigh. He and his friends had defeated those horrible ninjas who had terrified her for so many years, and had given her some hope at last, after so many years of desperation. For the first time in her life, she had even felt that there was some good in her, that her skills could be used for something else than to kill people at a large scale, and that they still could bring hope to others who were in need. She had saved Yahiko´s life… and how happy they had been!
Still, one can feel joy in hiding only for a short time, and, in the end, they had found out. Sanosuke´s anger had torn her heart in two, for she had killed his friend, as well as many others with the lethal drug she had been too weak to refuse to make. Kaoru had been shocked… that innocent girl surely would never have been able to suspect such evil in anyone, as she said bitterly to herself. But, just when she had been determined to leave, when she had attempted her first steps out of the threshold of the place where she had started to feel safe for the first time in her life, dreaming that somebody would come and stop her while knowing it was just a dream… it had happened. A man who had selflessly protected a woman who had lied to him and put him in danger, a drug dealer, stopping her from going back where she belonged and cease harming his friends… a man who had heard everything about her, and instead of feeling horror only felt compassion and understanding, and tried to convince her that she wasn´t evil….a man who offered to protect her once more….wasn´t he a miracle? What could a miracle possibly be then, if it wasn´t the miracle he represented?
Nothing I could ever try…
Of course, this had not been the only thing he had done for her. When she had had to pay heed to the threats of Kanryuu and return to him, he had come to rescue her with his friends, and defeated all the guards and the ninjas to get to her, putting his life in mortal danger. They had wanted her to live then, but she had believed she had to die, so, when Sanosuke prevented her from killing herself, she had decided to surrender to the police and pay for her crimes. She had been determined to be brave for once, even if it was the last thing she did… but then, before she ever had had the chance to speak, he had unexpectedly shut her mouth, and to her everlasting shock testified in the name of Himura Battousai that she had nothing to do with the drug dealers. She couldn´t believe it, and for a while had stayed there, petrified and unable to even close her mouth. The legendary hero of the cruel people who had burned her house and killed her family… how could he be that man? How could he be the only one who ever understood her, forgave her and risked his life for her? How could that be possible?
And then, all of a sudden…. she had understood.
Nothing I could ever do…
It was thanks to him, and to everything he ever represented, from his past mistakes to his later kindness, that she could be alive now and a doctor in Aizu. Not only had he saved her, he had paved the way for her. With a strong feeling of remorse and an iron will, he had proved that it was not wrong to believe in second chances, that the most hideous crimes in the world could be atoned for, and that any skill used to bring harm upon others could also be reversed like his blade and used to help them without ever surrendering. It had been his way… and it had been her way, too. Slowly, and as she turned back to helping people with her medical skills, she had recovered the old pride she had once felt for them, and that her family had always carried in their blood before she had tarnished it with her activities. She had been able to think about them again without burning in shame, and, as she grew as a professional and as a person, she left fear and cowardice behind; she had become the woman she was now. And all thanks to him.
Why?
How thankful she was to him, this was something she had never expressed because she knew there would be no words for it. She could only think that she would do whatever he asked her to, that whenever he was ill or injured she wouldn´t even sleep until he was well again, that she would give her life for him without thinking twice. That she would do whatever she had to, to make him be happy with the woman he loved… even if she loved him with all her heart herself. Everything, she would have done everything… until this day.
Now, for the first time in many years, all this was crumbling down. Her anguish was comparable to the anguish she had felt when she was trying to escape from Kanryuu, but much worse because she knew there was nothing she could do, and that her skills were not misused this time, but merely, simply, cruelly... insufficient. No matter what she did, no matter how she tried, she would not be enough. She had saved many people until that day, only to find that the one she needed to save the most, the one who had saved her, was beyond her reach. It was now, for once, that he needed her… and she was helpless, as helpless as if she had never learned anything in her whole life, as any other human being would be.
For the first time in all those years, she suddenly wanted to give up.
"Megumi-dono… Megumi-dono, please. Don´t cry…It´s all right, I knew this would happen one day… Megumi-dono…"
Clenching her fists, Megumi turned her back to the shoji behind which Kenshin was standing, as always smothering his own suffering until he had helped the others. She knew that the only thing she could do for him now was to swallow her grief and open the shoji to face him with a serene face. This was the first thing he needed. She had to be strong… She had to think that even Kaoru would be ashamed to act like she was doing just now… and that she would be so thanks to her and her often too harsh advice.
Kami-sama...
Kaoru.
Undertaking an inhuman effort to hide her feelings, Megumi walked towards the shoji and opened it with a trembling hand. Kenshin was there, serene as always but pale. So very pale…
Hell… why was she feeling so guilty? Wasn´t it his own damn fault? Why did he have to be so stubborn, to keep atoning until... until the very end? Why did he have to keep going even when he had a wife and a son caring for him? Why did he…?
"Ken-san…" she started. She noticed with relief that her voice sounded even enough, almost professional, and this made her think that her many years as a doctor had somehow been of use after all. Even if it was just for that.
"Ken-san, I think you must know already, since you have been tending to that… disease for some months now, but I will remind you anyways. It's very contagious. And this means…"
A greater pain than what she had ever been able to spot in his features twisted them now before her very eyes. Naked, defenceless… sincere... for once, the thought crept inside her mind.
"I know, Megumi-dono", he whispered. "I know."
"But, why?" she asked, almost irrationally. "Why did you do this? Hadn´t you done enough?"
"You know why, Megumi-dono." Kenshin had his glance lost in some point behind her.
For the first time, she began to feel angry.
"Your past mistakes were atoned for! Anyone who pretends otherwise is wrong. Just by all the people you saved when you fought Shishio Makoto, you…"
"I did not mean that", he interrupted her gently. Surprised, she stopped at mid sentence, and turned to face him again. "You know very well about the people who suffer. They are not there for you or for your peace of mind. You are there for them. And besides" he added as he saw she did not make the attempt of replying anything, trapped under the effects of a deep shock only similar to the shock she had felt when he told her for the first time that her crimes could be atoned for. "I'm still very far even from achieving my peace of mind."
As he walked away, slowly but surely, Megumi did not try to keep him from leaving. Once he had disappeared through the shoji of his bedroom, though, her legs seemed to respond again and she started to run, madly, towards nowhere.
* * * * *
The place was dark and dirty, the dirtiest he had ever seen in his life. There was a horrible smell of putrid blood floating in the air, and the suffocation, provoked by the unnatural heat of so many unfortunate bodies, was so unbearable that it felt to him as if the room was going to explode. Now and then, an anguished cry pierced the shadows.
"I´m sorry. I´m very sorry", he whispered. The woman with unnaturally swollen eyes, who did not care anymore about hiding the bleeding ravages of her body with the ragged blanket, gave another whine.
"I´m going to die. Don´t leave me…"
"You are not going to die yet. The doctor said so! I´m coming back in two weeks…"
"One week", the woman insisted with a croaked voice. "I have one week left."
"But…"
"Only one!"
Only one.
Kenshin hugged himself tightly, suddenly shaken by a wave of cold. Of course, he should have known. Those symptoms, the same but magnified in all their bloody repugnance, had been constantly under his eyes for the last months. Why hadn´t he even seen that option, for Heaven´s sake? Could it be…?
Could it really be…?
Ashamed, the red haired man covered his face with his hands and sighed deeply. He could not help it. He couldn´t. Deep inside his mind, there had always been some vain and confident belief that he wasn´t like the others, fuelled by his sword prowesses and his constant defying of human limits, and, as he had discovered now, it was still there. He had always done things recklessly, thinking that the damages to his body and spirit would be healed later, and after he had paid for it once and had had to put his sword away, he still had not learned his lesson.
"I´m going to die. Don´t leave me…"
But… what lesson? That he shouldn´t have helped them? That he could not accept, even in the situation he was in now. They had needed him… He had brought hope to people….hadn´t he?
Slowly, Kenshin searched under his kimono, and laid his hand on the rash he had discovered the previous day. Maybe it was his imagination, but he could have sworn that it had grown in the meantime. He only had to close his eyes, and images of that woman with her body ravaged, and her skin so broken that blood covered all the blankets, plagued his mind. He would be like her soon if he did not find a more honourable way to leave, an object of horror, and of repugnance. This would be his end, such an unfair, an unworthy end for a warrior who had stayed alive through countless battles.
Such an almost…supernaturally fitting end for a hitokiri with his soul full of the blood of countless victims who never had a real chance to defend themselves, a cold voice said inside his head.
Enough said, he thought, his heart as heavy as lead. It would be his end. He had survived during all his life thinking that if he died he wouldn´t be able to take his punishment in this world, the world that had witnessed his crimes, and the same should apply to his present situation. To live his life with all the pain it contained, whatever happened, never giving up… hadn´t that been his oath?
For them, we´re not human beings. We are buried here alive until we cannot breathe anymore.
It was cruel. So very cruel, he wasn´t going to deny that. But… he had to take it. He had to. He had heard several times that to rush to fight someone you are sure you can defeat had nothing brave about it. His path of atonement… he had known it would be difficult, but he never had doubted he would be able to carry it. He hadn´t been especially brave when he had decided he would use a reversed sword to protect the weak, had he? And many times he had said that he would live helping others until the time of his true punishment came, and that then he would have to be ready to answer.
So it had come.
The end.
Kenshin was sure, no, positive, that the happiness he had been allowed to have in this world for the good he had been able to do had died in that moment. He was sure too, he knew it now, that everything he had done until that moment had been nothing else than a preparation, a way to reach this. A chance, at last. Such a painful chance… but he never expected it to be easy, had he? If he was worthy, he would be forgiven. Somehow, he knew.
It had to be.
"Kenshin?"
Oh…no. he thought, feeling his heart cringe at the intrusion. A voice, even such a sweet one, snapping him out of his musings had never caused so much pain to him like it did now. Kaoru was standing in the doorway, he could see her even without turning back, her face creased with worry, and her eyes like pools of concern. Her tone was tentative, as if somehow she was afraid of entering the room.
He had a knot in his throat.
Eternal justice that comes from Heaven…what has been her crime?, he asked silently, finding it in himself to sound rebellious for the first time. She had chosen to live with him, to be his support and to bear the weight of his sins. She had been strong, and she had been able to do it for so much time. But still… in his heart he knew it, she had been always an innocent young girl, and there was a point where even so much strength was bound to break under the weight he represented. Megumi had shown that to him, an hour ago, for all his admiration at her uncanny presence of mind and composure had not been enough to cloud his perception of how great her pain was. So… what about his Kaoru, so clumsy at hiding her feelings behind a mask, so free with her emotions, so passionate? Would he have to see….?
Would he have to leave?
Would he have to tell her?
Would he bear it?
Would she?
"Kenshin…." she tried again, now sounding somewhat more alarmed. "Kenshin… is something the matter?"
The red haired man inhaled deeply. Then, slowly, he turned back, a serene expression upon his features once more.
"No, Kaoru. Why do you ask?"
"Megumi-san has gone away, and we don´t know where she is", she blurted out. She looked even more worried than what he had been able to imagine, her hair and her kimono in a state of disarrangement, and her breasts heaved by an irregular and deep breathing. "And you have locked yourself here after you were with her. What happened?"
"I am sorry."
"What?"
"I am sorry if we caused you any trouble. If we worried you." Before Kaoru had the opportunity of saying anything else, Kenshin got up, walked towards the place where she stood, and wrapped her tense body in a strong embrace in which a deep underlying need was easily recognizable.
"I am going to find her now" he promised, walking away.
Nothing stopped him as he stepped outside, neither a voice nor a touch. She was too puzzled to say a word, and he took advantage of that and used it to escape while he still could. He knew he was acting like a coward, but he could not help it at all.
He needed time.
* * * * * *
"See you, Tsubame-san!"
"Thank you, Tsubame-san!"
"See you, children." With a smile, the young woman waved her little guests goodbye from the threshold of her house, though as soon as she had slid the shoji shut a weary expression took over in her features. What a tiring day. They had been there since early in the morning, running like mad, playing, shouting, asking her to join them, and eating more than a whole army... or than Yahiko. They were only two… but she felt as if they had been two hundreds.
And tomorrow, I have to go to the Kamiya dojo and apologize to Megumi-san, she reminded herself. She had never felt so embarrassed as when she had remembered about her arrival and it had been too late already. At least, she hoped that Yahiko had remembered to excuse her…
Why, of course he has remembered. Tsubame shook her head at the very idea, getting up again and going towards the kitchen to prepare something for dinner. Why wouldn´t he?
However, as she had just lighted the fire, something suddenly made her stop and drop all those thoughts to stand in alert. She would have sworn… she would have sworn she had heard a noise.
"Is… is someone out there?" she ventured, leaving the kitchen again. A knock reached her ears now distinctly.
They have probably forgotten something, she guessed quickly. "Coming!"
As soon as she had cleaned her hands, she rushed towards the shoji and slid it open again. Behind it, standing alone, there was Himura Kenshin.
"Ke… Kenshin-san!" She could not prevent her voice from sounding like a surprised shout, and that made her blush just two seconds afterwards. But it wasn´t her fault… he did not usually come to her house at night, alone, and when Yahiko was probably at the Kamiya dojo or elsewhere. And his state… she knew he was frail, but the man standing in front of her was positively exhausted. His face was pale, and there was a look in his eyes that made her terribly consternated, she did not know why.
"Tsubame-dono." he greeted her with a hoarse voice and a weak smile. "May I come in?"
"Uh…eh..yes, of course!" Regaining her composure, she waved him in as she could. "But Yahiko hasn´t come back yet…"
"It´s fine", he answered. "I came to see you."
More surprised than ever, she nodded, and immediately began to fret to prepare him a place to sit, tea and some food. Through all the motions, she could not help feeling anxious, and ask herself what could have happened for him to be there. Had something happened to Yahiko? To Kaoru-san, maybe? Or to Megumi-san?
You will know in time, Tsubame, she chided herself.
"It´s a honour to have you here, Kenshin-san." she said, when at last she was able to sit in front of him and take a sip of tea. A blush began to grow in her cheeks once more as she waited for him to start talking. "Uh… er… I…"
A sigh escaped the lips of the red haired man. Parsimoniously, he took the cup in his hands and drank a long gulp.
"Do not worry, Tsubame-dono. Everybody is all right at the dojo. I´m sorry if I have made you anxious", he started. She shook her head.
"Oh, no! You don´t have to apologise. It´s fine", she reassured him. "Did you come to tell me that Yahiko is going to arrive late?"
"Not exactly. I came here to ask you a question. Or, in other words… I need your help with something."
"A question? My help?" Now, she had to confess she was really curious. "But of course, Kenshin-san! I do not think there is anything in this world in with someone such as myself can help someone such as you, but... if there is…"
"There is, Tsubame-dono." Surprised, she lifted her glance, and met a pair of violet eyes that hid a lot of sadness. The contrast with the warm smile in his lips was so shocking…
What was happening to him?
"You were the only one who was able to call me back to life when I was dying in Rakuninmura. In those terrible days… I do not know what could have happened if it hadn´t been for you."
"Uh? Oh… no… not at all!" In her deep embarrassment, Tsubame nearly buried her head under the table. "I… I didn´t do anything. I… I only needed your help."
"You don´t value yourself enough." he chided her gently. He had another sip of tea, and then stayed still, as if he was pondering the words he was going to say next. "I… Tsubame-dono, do you remember when I told all of you the story of my past for the first time?"
This sudden opening of the topic left the girl speechless.
"Your… past?"
Tsubame closed her eyes, allowing sinister memories to crowd her mind for a while. Those horrible days. She wasn´t even able to remember them without cringing, a cold grip seizing her heart. Until then, she had been a normal girl. Some nasty things had happened to her, like that affair with Nagaoka Mikio, but still… she had not been prepared, like the rest of those who were there with her had been. She had not been prepared to be trapped in the middle of a bloody quest for revenge, carried by a man who had lost his sister to the hands of… that man who was like Yahiko´s father in many ways. To the hands of his own brother-in-law. Of the most famous assassin of the Bakumatsu… the hitokiri Battousai. She had not been prepared to see their group shattered, their happiness lost, to be told that Kaoru was no more… and Kenshin, he had been lost in despair for weeks, sitting in that horrible place until he nearly became an empty shell. He had suffered so much back then…
And…now?
With a shock, Tsubame realized that Kenshin´s expression right now, though not nearly as hollow, had something in common with the face of that empty shell, so many years ago.
"I… remember it." she managed to say, looking up. "I really do."
"I think I am disturbing you." Before she could react, Kenshin got up. There was guilt written over his face, and Tsubame realised she must have shown something to his watchful eyes of what she was feeling. "I am sorry, Tsubame-dono. It was nothing of importance… forgive me."
"Wait!" Surprised at her own boldness, Tsubame got up as well. "Don´t go!"
"I…"
Pity crept inside her heart as he turned back, and she noticed how he was looking at her in indecision. Since he had known him, he had always closed his soul hermetically to everyone. He had never allowed anyone to share his pain or his worry, always keeping everything to himself and thoroughly discouraging the rest of the world with a blank stare or an exasperating smile. He had always been too stubborn, too strong, too concerned about the others to yield. And now… now he could not even hide the need in his eyes, the hope that she would succeed in being bold for once and stop him.
"I said I was going to help you. Please, let me…What were you going to ask me?"
"All right." Sighing –in relief, as she thought to herself-, he sat down again, and clutched his cup as if it was the only thing that prevented him to be swept away by an invisible force. "I… I know you all were thinking that I loved Kaoru and that she loved me even back then. Weren´t you?"
"Uh…? Yes", she nodded, embarrassed. "She really loved you. I´m… very happy that you married."
"And didn´t you ever think, while I was telling you about my past with Tomoe and you saw Kaoru´s expression, that she did not deserve to have her heart broken by that tale?"
"What?" Oh, shocked again, the poor girl thought to herself. I must be giving such a horrible impression…
Had she…?
"I do not think… I mean, I did not think that." she blurted out quickly, before he had time to feel discouraged again. "Let me explain", she added immediately afterwards, leaning back and willing herself to act like a mature woman who thought carefully all her answers before uttering them. She could not forget that it would be very easy to hurt Kenshin´s feelings while talking about that particular subject.. and, right now, she did not believe he was in shape to stand that. "I saw she was…well, it was evident she wasn´t having a good time. I felt sorry for her, yes. But, at the same time… at the same time, I felt happy for her, too."
"Happy?" Kenshin stared at her in shock. "Why that?"
"When you left for Kyoto, she was devastated", she explained shyly, already resigned to tell him about her long-hidden true feelings. "Tae-san and me, we had thought you were going to stay with her forever, marry her… well, you know what I mean. But you left. Afterwards, Yahiko and Kaoru-san went to find you and brought you back. I thought that now you would never leave her again… but, in fact, nothing had changed." Pausing in her speech, Tsubame blushed. "Umm… I do not know if you understand a word of what I´m saying. My fault, I don´t know how to express myself!"
"Please, continue", Kenshin urged her softly.
"Uh…all right. When all that…horror happened, you decided to tell everything to Kaoru and to us at last. I was frightened and sad when I heard your tale, and, as I told you, I pitied Kaoru. But at the same time, I felt glad for her, because somehow, after you had shared this with her, I knew that she was too important to you, and that you would never leave her again. That day…I…" She needed a long gulp to be able to say this. Now, she was positive she hadn´t felt so awkward and ashamed in her whole life, maybe not even excepting the day when Yahiko asked for her hand. "I knew you would marry her, and share with her everything, and, even if this was going to be painful, it was what she wanted. She wanted to help you, more than anything else. She deserved a chance to let you know how much she loved you, and how far she was willing to go for your sake. And I also was happy for you, because you deserved someone who would help you with your problems. I am very glad… that I was right."
Flustered after having talked so much, Tsubame lifted her glance and spied Kenshin´s features anxiously. He seemed to her far gone, at first, though, bit by bit, he seemed to regain his usual expression.
"Hmm...I see. Thank you, Tsubame-dono." This time, he got up with more determination. "You have really helped me. I told you, you underestimated yourself, and I still think so. You have been of a great help that time, when you woke me up, and also now."
"But… I… I didn´t wake you up!" she protested again, getting up as well and following him towards the door. "It was just you. You are like that… you´re like dead if you cannot help anybody, but when somebody needs you, whatever happens to you, you come back to life. I… I just needed you that time."
"What?"
"Uh?" Astounded at the sudden gleam in his eyes, Tsubame gave a jump. "What do you mean?"
"What have you said?" Kenshin repeated in a slower tone.
"I´m… I´m sorry." she muttered, lowering her head. "I did not mean anything..."
"Tsubame" As if he had just realized the strange image he was giving, Kenshin changed his voice again and smiled in reassurance. "There´s nothing you should be sorry for. I just want you to repeat the words you have just said, because I think they are more valuable than anything else I have heard today. Will you do it for me, please?"
"Ye… yes, of course. I will." she nodded, more puzzled than ever. "I said that, whatever happens to you, you always get up if there is someone who needs your help. You were suffering back then, but you still got up because you knew that Yahiko was in danger. I just happened to be the one who told you. That was what you wanted… me to repeat?"
"Yes. That was it. Tsubame-dono." As he got at last to the door, Kenshin suddenly did what she had expected him to do least. He knelt formally in front of her, suppressing a gasp of pain as his knees touched the floor.
"W… what? Oh, please!" she whined. "Get up, Kenshin-san, please, I beg of you. You… shouldn´t…."
"You have listened to me. You have understood me and you have given me a help that I sorely needed. If there is something, anything, that I can do for you, Tsubame-dono… believe me, I will."
"Kenshin-san…" Several instants passed away, before Tsubame was able at last to swallow the knot that had formed in her throat and form a coherent phrase. Her eyes, however, were far more eloquent than her mouth.
"I do not need anything. But please, whatever happens to you… get well. I only want you to be happy."
Moments later, when he had bowed his thanks again and closed the shoji behind him, the young woman sat down with a worried expression. She hadn´t felt it appropriate to ask, at least not while he had that pitiful look, but…
What can be the matter with him?
It had been the first time that she knew about in which he had asked someone´s help instead of keeping his problems to himself. That he had wanted to remember… no, even worse, that he had wanted her to remember. And that look…
Maybe Yahiko will know, she concluded, getting up and heading –this time for good- towards the kitchen.
* * * * *
Whatever happens to you, if someone needs your help you always come back to life. Such hopeful words. So comforting…And yes, so true. And yet…
It was already getting late when Kenshin arrived home at last. His mind was busy with the words he had heard from Tsubame during his visit to her, pondering them and making them dance in circles inside his head. He had to tell Kaoru. Now he had the strength to do it, though he still did not know how to do it. It would surely hurt her immensely… but, after all, hadn´t it also hurt immensely when he had told her about Tomoe? And still, as Tsubame´s words had implied to him, she had endured that hurt gladly because for the first time she was allowing her to decide for herself. To choose. To have the opportunity of reaching for him and making him know that, even knowing all this, she would still be at his side. Foolish little girl, he thought with a sigh. If she only hadn´t been so stubborn…
If she hadn´t been so stubborn you would never have been happy. You would never have decided that there is someone who really cared about you and would be sad if you died, after all you had done…
So, what? Now, it would be the same. He could not think he had the right to choose for her even if he only meant to cause her less pain. After all, how many people had surprised him showing that their ideas about happiness and his did not coincide at all? As he closed his eyes for a moment, he saw Tomoe´s smile as she expired in his arms, that smile that had fuelled his self-loathing to the point of madness. He saw Komagata Yumi, the oiran who had loved Shishio Makoto, smiling as she had expired in the arms of her lover while he was choking in rage in front of them, unable to understand. He saw Misao falling down the precipice…
He had to tell her. It was his duty. He had to do it. And then, Kenji….
But... when did he choose anything?
Feeling at last the long-delayed tear trickling down his cheek, Kenshin sat down at the courtyard of the dojo. He could hear voices of people, distant laughs, and the sound of footsteps, but he wasn´t able even to pay them heed. For he didn´t know how much time, he just stayed there in his misery, shaking listlessly, until at last someone came next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Kenshin."
"Hmmm…?"
"Kenshin!"
"Uh?" He opened his eyes unwillingly, hoping the voice would go away, together with the heavy touch…but they didn´t.
"I found Megumi." It was Yahiko. "Kaoru and Kenji went to search for her too, but they haven´t returned yet. They will be here soon."
"Yahiko..."Ashamed, Kenshin refused to lift his head. The young man would notice then that he had been crying, and he couldn´t allow this. "Get inside. I will follow you."
"Kenshin." The pressure of the hand on his shoulder became heavier and more insistent. For the first time, Kenshin noticed an oddity in Yahiko´s tone, as if his voice was… trembling?
"What do you want?" he asked, now concerned, and forgetting about the remains of his tears in order to look at him in the eye. "Yahiko…"
There was an expression in his face that he had never seen there. It looked sad, subdued, lost… and, at the same time, desperately trying to look strong. And in that moment, in that precise moment… Kenshin knew.
Always trying to prove yourself that you can do it. Since the very first time we met…he thought, swollen by some kind of painful pride.
"Kenshin", Yahiko repeated. "I´m going to drink somewhere this night. Want to come with me?"
"Kaoru-dono and Tsubame-dono will be worried", Kenshin objected, shaking his head.
"Megumi knows, and she will tell Kaoru when she arrives", the samurai answered. "As for Tsubame, we will stop on our way and I will tell her. Come on, Kenshin. We won´t be home too late, I promise."
Something in the way in which he pulled Kenshin up by his arm told the older man that it was useless to argue. Shaking his head in resignation, maybe somehow in relief, he got up quietly, and allowed himself to be carried away.
(to be continued)