Chapter Four: Atonement
The body lying next to her moved again, brusquely, almost despairingly, and clutched the blanket with one hand. Startled out of her uneasy sleep by that move, she gave a whimper, and immediately embraced him with all her strength, burying his head in the warmth of her frame.
"Tsubame…"
"Shhh… Try to sleep, my love", she muttered, beginning to feel tears in her eyes once again. He did not drop his tense position in a moment, but, as she waited, she noticed that he relaxed somewhat.
It was the second time in one night. Not too long after she had been paid the visit of the most despairing Himura Kenshin she had ever seen, Yahiko had come to her in the same state. It was too much for her, to see the two strongest men she had ever met with that forlorn look in their eyes, silently begging for the comfort that such an insignificant young woman could give to them. Too much, to give that comfort to them while feeling like crying herself…
To know that Kenshin was going to die… Inevitably…
"I know what you… what you feel…" she whispered in his ear. She tried to make her voice sound even, but she could not prevent it from coming out as a broken sob. As he noticed it, he turned back and embraced her in turn, his face pale but tearless.
How much would it hurt to be him? Tsubame wondered, not for the first time. Kenshin and Kaoru had always been her friends, but for Yahiko they had been everything since he had met them at that Tokyo bridge. To know that his surrogate father, his example to follow, his companion, his friend, was going to be taken away from this world soon by a dreadful disease that took everything, dignity included, away from its victim, and, that same day, to have to devise a scheme so that the person who was closest to him, the woman who taught him everything he knew and who had taken the place of his older sister, selflessly caring for him for so many years, could know that her husband was going to die… she did not think there ever could be anything more painful in the world. And yet, he still seemed to think he could not allow himself to cry, to break that tension and obtain some kind of relief from his tears.
"Try to sleep now, please", she pleaded once more, wiping her cheek with her left hand. "Tomorrow… tomorrow will be a new day."
"You are right. This will be best", he answered. His body changed position once more, and she found herself holding him as before. For a long time, the room was silent again, even if both of them knew very well that the other was awake.
"But why?" she still could hear hours later, an accusing, desperate voice in the middle of the darkness. "Why?"
* * * * *
"It´s...It´s you?"
Kenshin knelt at the side of the futon. He preferred to focus his gaze on the bleeding and reeking bandages than into the haunting eyes of the ill woman, and yet, for a moment, he had to look into them to give the best answer to her question. As she stretched her arms to attract him towards her, he took them away with care and held them with just one of his hands.
"Don´t worry, I haven´t gone anywhere", he said in a soothing voice. "But the doctor had to examine you, and I was taking care of the other patients..."
"Don´t let him come near me again." Her voice was so intent, there was so much vehemence and maybe…fear in them, that Kenshin could not help but wonder what had exactly happened and how much of it had been just in her wild and tormented imagination. "Please, don´t… Don´t let him..."
"Don´t worry, he is gone now. I promise. Lie down, relax, think about something else… For example…", he added quickly, as his brain worked, "…why don´t you tell me something about you?"
"Something…about me…?"
"Yes." In that moment, a cry reached his ears, and he winced. "In which city were you born?"
"Edo."
"Edo?" Surprised, he lifted his eyes. "You mean Tokyo?"
"No. Edo", she insisted, with eyes that defied him to name the city otherwise. "My beloved died in Kyoto… in the Bakumatsu…"
Suddenly, as he was still processing the words she had just uttered, a change took place before his very eyes. The dried blood of her wounds seemed to freshen again, and it was spilled all over her body and the blanket. Her skin turned whiter, softer, and her hair was dark as the night. She lifted her eyes to search for his, but he turned his head abruptly, unable for some reason to meet their gaze.
The gaze that haunted his every nightmare.
"Forgive me, my husband... Forgive me…"
"Do you know what´s the worst thing about this disease?" a croaked voice interrupted the weak plea. "That you cannot defend yourself."
Then, holding a dagger in her hand, and while he did nothing but stare at what she was doing, heedless of the pain, she drew a line in his skin with it. However, it wasn´t in his cheek this time, as on that long-past snowy day… it went across his whole body, a long, deep, hideous rash.
* * * * *
"Tomoe!"
Kenshin opened his eyes wide, while his mouth screamed that name in horror… and found himself kicking his blanket away, sitting in bewilderment on top of his futon in his bedroom. In front of him, there was a woman, staring at him with those eyes…
"Ken… shin?"
Returning little by little to the reality that surrounded him, he realized with a sigh that the woman was no other than Kaoru. She looked haggard and worn, as if she had been awake all night,, dark circles under her eyes, and her gaze had a pained expression that worried him immediately.
What could have happened to her?
"Kaoru-dono…" he started. "What…?"
Oh…all right, he chided himself, shutting his mouth as soon as he had opened it and feeling how his cheeks burned in shame. If he recalled correctly, last night he had disappeared all afternoon, then got away at night too, drunk a little more than what he should have, probably worried her to death and then, on top of all this, he had just cried the name of his first wife in a nightmare. She should be a true spirit of Heaven if she hadn´t beaten him senseless and thrown him out of the house yet, but he supposed this all would come in a matter of seconds.
"Kaoru-dono..." he started, trying to get up from the futon in the haste to apologize. Maybe, with a bit of luck, this would allow him to keep some bones intact... "I am very, very sorry for…"
However, his words soon died in his mouth in astonishment, as he saw her getting up quickly and her arms pushed him back towards the bed. Before he even could have the chance to protest, she knelt at his side and carefully lifted the blanket up to his waist again, smoothing the wrinkles with her hand.
"Ka…Kaoru?" he asked, puzzled. But instead of answering him, or even looking at him, she turned away and went to fetch something… a food tray as he could see.
"Stay here, please. Don´t do anything that could… tire you", she pleaded, a strange new brilliant look in her eyes as she turned again to give it to him. "See… I made breakfast."
"But…", Kenshin tried to protest. By instinct of survival, he never said a single word whenever something regarding her cooking entered the picture, for he knew that she was far too susceptible with that issue… but now, she didn´t even seem to care. In fact, she looked scarily as if she was beyond the point of caring for anything of the sort.
"I will be giving kendo lessons at the dojo all morning, but Megumi has promised she is going to take care of the house and make lunch while I am away" Kaoru got up and headed towards the entrance. "So, please, just...rest."
In spite of all her obvious efforts, the last words came out as a strangled sob, and Kenshin felt his heart twist inside his chest. Just in a moment, he did not even know how, he was out of the bed, heedless of sores, rashes or nightmares, and pulling Kaoru into an embrace... the second in two days, as he thought belatedly to himself. And the woman did not have the strength to flee it, not even to put a stop to her sobbing for minutes.
"Kaoru…", he whispered, cradling her and trying to keep the disturbing images of his nightmare away from his mind. He felt nausea... the aftermath of the sake, no doubt.
But…how…?
"Don´t worry about me. I´m fine." The lie left his lips heavily, with terrible difficulty. "I can take perfect care of everything, trust me in that."
"I…"All of a sudden looking ashamed, Kaoru got away and wiped her eyes. "I have to go. I´m late."
Somehow, Kenshin wasn´t able to try to stop her when she turned back and got out of their room. He stayed there frozen in place for a long time, staring at the shoji through which she had just disappeared, and when at last he could make a move, it was to sigh deeply and walk inside again.
How could she have known?
* * * * *
"Good morning, Ken-san!"
Kenshin stopped at the kitchen´s entrance for a moment, closing his eyes and putting a hand to his poor head. The sunrays were too bright, and Megumi´s greeting too cheerful, for what it was able to handle on that particular morning.
"Uh... good morning, Megumi-dono", he muttered. His gaze, at last more or less used to the light, wandered over the kitchen pots and piles of rice and vegetables, to reach at last the place where the beautiful lady was lifting her head from her chopping with a smile.
"You don´t... you don´t have to do this", he added, flustered. "It´s my job, and you´re a guest."
"Really? Well, then it´s still better." Before he even had the opportunity to blink, he found himself with a knife in his hands. "Chop those vegetables over there while I wash the rice. Oh, a capable, smart and skilled person helping me at last!" Megumi gave an exaggerated sigh as she got up, as if repressing a shudder. "She got inside here to make breakfast."
"Megumi-dono…" As he had been told, Kenshin sat automatically in front of the vegetables, and assumed his task. He was in no mood for pleasantries that morning, though… be it because of the sake, or the nightmare, or the recent memories of Kaoru crying, he was not sure.
"Yes, Ken-san?" The doctor dropped her attitude as well, discarding it as if it had been a not particularly fitting kimono. "Is there anything you want to ask me?"
"How did she know?"
"So direct", she sighed. "You´re always like that. Well, I told her."
"While I was with Yahiko", he guessed.
"Yes."
"Why?"
Instead of answering, Takani Megumi put her hands away from the water, and dried them carefully. In a deliberately slow motion, she turned to face him… and he could check that her matter-of-fact attitude had been discarded as well now, as one more kimono that did not fit her at the moment.
"Because I wanted to make it easy for you", she blurted out, and then began to bite her lower lip in what Kenshin recognized as an unequivocal mark of distress. "You always have to bear the weight of the whole world on your shoulders, as if there was nobody else around trying to help you and being rejected once, twice, thrice. You seem greedy of your pain… but I couldn´t bear it any longer, not this time. You cannot lead the life you need to lead now if you´re wrapped in your gloom and unable to let the others care about you, so I decided they needed to know urgently… and you may be the patient, but I am the doctor!"
For a while, and after that outburst, nobody added a single word, each one of them staring at the other. Her stare was defiant, his was unreadable… until, at last, he shook his head and turned back to his vegetables.
"Does the word "them" mean that Kenji knows too?" he asked, in a muffled tone. Megumi shook her head affirmatively.
"And... where is he?"
"I don´t know."
"What?" Suddenly worried again, he lifted his face. "Isn´t he at home?"
"He left while Kaoru was still busy understanding the news… But do not worry, Ken-san, he´ll probably come back at some moment or another."
"I see." Kenshin closed his eyes, goose bumps forming in his skin at the mere thought of having to face him when this happened. As Megumi noticed this, she felt her heart swell with pity. "Thank you, Megumi-dono. I appreciate your gesture… and I´m sorry if I was rude to you before."
"Oh, don´t worry. This is something that comes with hangovers." she waved it off with a painful smile. "Ask the Rooster-Head when he comes back from Mongolia… he´ll confirm it gladly."
Oh, yes, Kenshin remembered. Sanosuke… For a moment, he wondered what his long-lost best friend would do if he knew to which condition he had been reduced to… though, almost at the same moment, he was already berating himself for thinking about the absent when there was such a dreadful mess he had to solve with those who were present.
The truth was, that he still did not know very well what he would say.
"Ken-san…"
"Hm?" Snapping away from his musings, he turned towards Megumi again. "Did you say anything, Megumi-dono?"
"I…well…" The woman´s dark hair fell like a cascade over her shoulders, as the cloth she was using to keep it tied up was suddenly loosened. She didn´t even pay attention to it, though, as she was busy looking intently at Kenshin. "I am sorry for what I said yesterday. I… I was angry at myself, and I did not mean it."
At this, Kenshin had to smile in spite of himself. This was certainly a sensitive spot, one of the very few sensitive spots Megumi had, and he assumed she had been thinking about how to put it before she decided to get done with it and put it anyway. She was too conscientious… like he was himself.
"I know, Megumi-dono. Since the very first time we met, I know very well how much your work and your patients mean to you. I would never doubt it for a single moment."
Her face looked relieved enough at those words, and, as he thought, glowing with some kind of true warmth since they met for the first time the day before. Oh… had it only been a day?
"Especially one of them." she winked, putting her hair back into its place.
* * * * *
"Well, let´s see…" The doctor bowed her head to inspect the rash carefully. "Hmmm… Just as I thought."
"Which is…?"
"I cannot cure this illness. But I will do what I can to make it easier for you, and your life happier and… longer." Her tone faltered for a fraction of a second. "I would offer to live in Tokyo again for some years, but I know perfectly what you would answer. And, anyway…" She shook her head, receiving the confirmation of her previous words through Kenshin´s eyes. "I consider you definitely capable of understanding my instructions. The only one in this house."
"If it´s in my hand to follow that advice, I will", he assured her, though deep inside he knew that, being who he was, this wasn´t that much of a reassurance. "It´s a promise."
"Well…"she started, tentatively. "For example, I assume you aren´t going to wander again…are you?"
Was he?
Kenshin put his kimono back in place, and crawled back into his normal sitting position. Good question, indeed. The truth was that this issue hadn´t come to his mind when he had been worried about everything else. Surely his friends and his family would expect him to stay at home, calmly living what time he had left…
…Waiting for his death, in peace…
No, he sighed. This wasn´t a simple issue either. If he stayed, he would not be in peace, to say the least… on the contrary, he would be tortured by the thought that he had given up before it was over, when he knew there were still so many people suffering elsewhere, and the nightmares would never stop. He would grow bitter, then useless, and then helpless… and he would make the lives of his family and friends difficult to bear. Oh, of course they wouldn´t complain… but, deep inside, he knew perfectly they would feel like that. And, on the other hand, if he went away… would he be able to do much? When would he start to be a source of nuisance instead of a source of help? And... would he be able to leave Kaoru and Kenji now that he knew that his months of life were carefully counted?
Surely all this must have an answer, a meaning. Everything has a meaning! You only have to search for it…
"Ken-san?"
"Uh…Sorry, Megumi-dono. I… I was thinking about what you had said. In fact…" He inhaled air deeply, and grasped the green fabric of his kimono with both hands, "I do not know the answer to that still. It´s not too easy and I may need some time to figure it out."
"Kami-sama", Megumi muttered in despair, getting up and heading towards the kitchen.
* * * * *
In spite of the angry protests of the sores in his hands, Kenshin spent the rest of the morning doing laundry in the yard. He needed to be alone, but he also needed something to do or his hard thinking would irremediably turn into brooding, as he already knew very well from past experiences. Even with the sound of shouts, strikes and yells coming from the dojo, and the occasional rustle of Megumi´s kimono as she checked on him from the shoji, he was oblivious of everything else.
Everything must have an answer…
Maybe people would think he was giving himself too much importance, to believe that every single thing Fate had in store to him had a trascendental meaning. They would tell him that he had been infected because he was careless, end of the story, and that now he had to resign like everybody else. And still… he had always believed that, not only this, but absolutely everything in the world, had some significance, a significance that sometimes was so hard to find that most people gave up in the way. He had been careless, true, he had got infected, true…but, did it have to be exactly like that?
"No. Edo. My beloved died in Kyoto…in the Bakumatsu…"
"Forgive me, my husband...Forgive me…"
"Do you know what´s the worst thing about this disease? That you cannot defend yourself."
Carefully, Kenshin touched the cross-shaped scar of his left cheek with a wet finger, and leaned back. Atonement… the dream was clear. He had never allowed the hands of others to be stained as his had been, but if it was nobody´s revenge, nobody´s crime or retribution, just Heaven itself in the name of every other, he should accept it. He had known it would come, anyway, one day or the other, and tried to live worthily until then and never give up. Now, however, giving up was only fair.
No one should resist Tenchuu.
Oh, and what an exquisite irony…
And, still, even if this was clear to him, Kenshin did not think he could be able to say the same about everything else. He had always thought, he had preached, that no atonement in this world was truly atonement if it consisted just in suffering, without paying back. Now, this illness made it impossible to continue paying back… didn´t it? Sooner or later, now or in a year, he would have to leave the people he had helped alone.
"Please…promise you will come back. Please…don´t leave me alone. I´m going to die…"
Oblivious to the effect he was causing, Kenshin squeezed the yukata he was washing with too much strength, and spilled part of the water on the ground. His hand hurt, and he had to suppress a gasp, but he did not weaken his grip. Was the need that he suffered more important than all those people? Or… was he maybe just being vain and thinking he was needed, while in fact he wasn´t?
Surely I was needed before, and that´s why I was spared. But those days are gone, now I´m a pitiful old wreck, and what can I do anymore?
Wasn´t it clear?
..Kenshin…
You are late. Again.
She cried all night.
Please... don´t leave me alone.
No! He put the garment aside, and searched for another in the basket. It was not clear. At least not to him.
You are like that. You´re like dead if you cannot help anybody, but when somebody needs you, whatever happens to you, you come back to life.
Surprised at the sudden interference and almost exprecting to see someone standing in front of him, Kenshin froze in place and looked up. Those words… he hadn´t summoned them to his mind voluntarily, like all the others. They were nothing more than a comforting remembrance of the utopia, the utopia he had once represented or tried to represent, in those times when he still was able to do miracles. Now, however….
Now, however…
...what?
Had he really changed, or was it just his body?
Kenshin´s sudden jump caused Megumi, who had just appeared through the shoji, to think something bad had happened to him. Hastily, she ran towards him, ready to hold him if he was going to fall… but, to her astonishment, he only turned back and gave her a look that contained not only the new pain, but also his old determination. In that moment, she knew what it meant.
In that moment, she surrendered.
* * * * *
When the gates of the dojo opened at last, Kenshin and Megumi had the table already set. Curiously, they watched the boys run across the yard, shouting, laughing and pushing each other, until, behind them, they could spot Kaoru, accompanied by her two assistant masters, Myoujin Yahiko and Tsukayama Yutaro.
"Hey, Kenshin, Megumi!" Yahiko greeted them. As Kenshin could notice just by looking at him, he hadn´t spent a very good night either.
"Good morning, Himura-san, Takani-san." Yutaro followed his example, and then gave an exaggerated weary sigh. "Pheew, what a horrible day... I don´t know what´s up with them, but I was the only one of that group of idiots who managed to get the things right in all the damn morning. Was it something she cooked?"
"Yutaro-kun, please…" Kaoru protested weakly. This lack of response caused a mild shock in the blond samurai, who immediately threw Yahiko a surreptitious glance as if to ask him what the heck was the matter with the master of the Kamiya Kasshin dojo that morning. But Yahiko just shrugged his shoulders, and made him a gesture which meant that he would tell him later.
"Okay. I´m leaving now, Kaoru. If you need something from me, I plan to be at home for the rest of the day. Oh, Yutaro, and if you behave yourself you can come with me", he said. Both bowed and left, the sounds of flying Japanese and German insults still hearable after they had crossed the gate.
"You look very tired, Kaoru-dono", Kenshin observed. "Come on, sit down and eat something of this delicious food we have made."
"Fine… uh… did you say we?" Her husband had just said the only thing that could upset her at that moment, and Kaoru reacted immediately by putting her hands on her hips and advancing towards him. "I told you to rest! And you, Megumi-san, after I left him in your care… how could you allow…?"
"Because he is not dead, yet."
Shocked, the younger woman shut her mouth, then opened it, and closed it again. A livid colour crept over her face, and for a moment Kenshin felt true fear of her reaction. Megumi, meanwhile, stayed impavidly seated on the table , regarding her opponent with a stern expression.
"What…have you said?" Kaoru managed to mutter at last.
"I am a doctor. I care for him, too", Megumi said. "So I would appreciate it immensely if you trusted my judgement." Then, as if she hadn´t said anything, her expression softened, and she pointed towards one of the two empty places at the table. "Now, sit down, you silly girl, and eat. As you look now, it wouldn´t be a surprise if you got ill as well."
"Where is Kenji?" Kaoru asked, regarding the food with something akin to repugnance, and turning towards Kenshin. Her husband realized that she had that familiar look that showed she was unable to decide whether she wanted to kill Megumi or ask her for forgiveness… something very usual in the relationship between the two women.
"He hasn´t returned yet, Kaoru-dono", he said. "But Megumi-dono is right in that, you should cease worrying and eat. He's probably with Sano´s brother, or maybe even in Yahiko´s house. I´m sure he´ll be back soon, when his mind is clearer."
"O... okay." she sighed, in defeat at last. "Wait here, I´ll go and change in a minute."
* * * * *
Kenji, however, did not appear at any point of the meal. This did not only worry Kaoru, even if she was the one who showed it the most, and even if what pained Kenshin about their son´s prolonged absence was probably something different. He did not fear for his safety, since his skills were indeed more than proficient, but the state of his soul was making him very anxious.
His poor son… suffering that much because of him. He had come to terms with nearly everything now, but this still hurt. How could this be fair, to have him face this after they had almost reached an understanding at last? How could anyone want that he was sunk in despair again after seeing some rays of light?
You probably killed hundreds of fathers in the Bakumatsu, in those glorious times when you believed yourself to be Tenchuu. The same cold voice that was always ready to snap into his mind and punish him whenever he let himself wallow in self-pity lost no time in making itself heard. Three with a single strike. You monster.
"Kenshin… do you think Kenji will come back today?"
"Uh?…" Kenshin opened his eyes, to meet her wife´s worried expression and Megumi´s unreadable one. "Of course, Kaoru-dono. Just give him some time. And now… why don´t we clear the table and go inside?"
"You both look pitiful", Megumi snorted fondly. "Get inside and have a rest together. I will take care of everything."
* * * * *
Once they were both in their bedroom, though, it became apparent for him that Kaoru had understood their temporary retirement as something very different than an opportunity of having a rest. As soon as she slid the shoji shut, her pained, inquiring eyes were set on him.
"Kenshin…" she began.
He sighed.
"I'm sorry for not telling you yesterday. I promise I was intending to do it as soon as I had come to terms with it myself… otherwise, I might have given you a wrong impression."
"A wrong… impression?" she asked, mystified.
"Yes, Kaoru-dono." With moves that, to say the least, were not as fluent as they had been in the past, Kenshin knelt on the futon and pointed at a space in front of him with his hand. This was going to be… really difficult to explain. "Come over here, please."
As Kaoru did what she was told, he stayed looking at her for some minutes, as if gathering his wits and his ideas. Finally, he stretched a hand to hold hers, and guided it towards the cross-shaped scar in his left cheek.
"Do you feel it, Kaoru-dono?"
"Feel?" If it was possible, she was still more puzzled. "Feel what?"
"You know that this scar, for many years, has been here reminding me of my most hideous crimes and my oath of atonement. Its presence meant that whatever I had tried to do hadn´t still outweighed my sins, that I still was unworthy of being forgiven. It used to be very painful at first… until, after I met you, it finally started to fade somewhat. It was a gradual process, through the years… but, sometimes, at certain special circumstances, I could feel it."
"Oh…", she nodded, in quiet awe. It was not always that Kenshin told her such things about himself… but, whenever he did, she felt as if she had conquered something.
Only that, now…
"And?" she asked quickly, to smother the growing need to shout, cry or do something dreadfully childish again.
"I never had the slightest hope that it would wholly disappear before I died, even after my death", Kenshin stated then. To her utmost astonishment, his violet eyes gleamed with a soft glow as he pressed her hand against his cheek, and she almost could feel, effectively, the presence of a strange force covering it. "Until now."
(to be continued)
Well, since I´ve seen that this is more or less customary in this fandom, I´ve thought that I might as well write reviewer responses. So, here you are. (blushes) It´s my first time…
Finch: If you feel out of your depths in any moment, don´t worry, just ask. I like to answer questions (as you no doubt know already ^_^). Anyway, I´m very glad that you´re enjoying this and understanding it up to this point, and (what is the same)when you say that what I write speaks for itself, it makes me very happy.
EnjeruJoshin: It´s funny but, as I usually correct what I write hundreds and hundreds of times after I write it, I finish by forgetting it´s supposed to be sad. ^_^. As for finishing it, the end is very near, so don´t worry. Thank you for all your reviews!
Anaii: Thank you… Here is the next update, but, anyway, for your knowledge, I usually update every Monday.
Miss Behavin: