Title: Breathe

Date Composed: 12/18/2003  2:11 AM CST

Author's Ramblings:

            For some reason, this idea came to me after a conversation with my best friend about something completely unrelated to anime.  I think Hojo may be out of character in this, but considering the circumstances of what is going on in the fic, I think it's warranted.

*  *  *

            I somehow knew that one day it would all end.  When her friend Eri came running to me with tears in her eyes, I knew for sure.  I didn't think it would be so soon, but…I guess I could see it coming.  But I didn't want it to happen.  I had hoped that everything would just go away and….

            "Hojo…Kagome's d-dead…."

            What do you say to that?  Is there something about this in an etiquette book somewhere?  What does the guy who is in love with the person who died say to the friend of the person who died?  How do you respond to the messenger?  I could only stare blankly at Eri.  Because…what do you say?  What could I have said?  Could I have even whipped out a reassuring everything's fine smile?

            "I guess a-all those illnesses caught up with her, ne, Hojo."

            That's when I lost it.  I just…fell.  I collapsed to my knees and my eyes ran like faucets.  I cried for her – for her life, for her death, for her heart.  I heaved ragged breaths, struggling to keep my lungs working, because my very oxygen was gone.  My mind raced with images of her, yet I never felt so empty before in my life.  I rocked back and forth atop my perch on the schoolyard cement, wailing her name and moaning various other things that I don't even remember at this point.  All I remember is the knowledge that I was suddenly devoid of her.  And that I would never again see her.  I had known I would never touch her (I knew my feelings were one-sided), but I had hoped that she would always…be able to be seen.  If I could just gaze at her….

            I need to stop that thought.

            The funeral was awkward.  A bunch of students from our school were there.  Some of them I knew, like Eri, but others I didn't.  It was irrelevant.  The only person I paid any attention to was her mom, Higurashi-san.  My eyes only left her face to look at the urn that held…that held Kagome's ashes.  Higurashi-san looked so calm for a woman whose only daughter had passed away.  She approached me at one point and spoke to me, "You look so broken, Hojo-kun."

            Her voice had been gentle and I knew she meant it as some form of comfort, but I couldn't help but read a subtle offense into her comment.  How do you respond to that?  "I am."  It was all I could come up with.  In the back of my mind, it registered that I was not at all acting like my normal happy-go-lucky self.  But I was not paying any attention to the back of my mind.

            Her eyes only held concern for me as she continued in kind, "Are you sure you want to be here?"

            How could she be that selfless?  Of all the times for excused selfishness and self-pity, she was concerned only for me.  There was no sadness in her eyes!  Only concern.  For me!  Of all people, Hojo, the boy she barely even knew.  Yet…I wasn't in awe.  It didn't phase me at the time.  And so I simply responded, "I need to be here.  I was…so in love with her."

            Higurashi-san's eyes melted at that point.  "I'm sorry, Hojo-kun."

            She hugged me.  Her arms wrapped around me, and for a moment I pretended….  But why was she apologizing?  Why, when it was not her fault?  "Why?"

            She didn't answer my question.  She simply continued, "If you truly loved her, and I believe that you do, then I think that you need to understand that Kagome is in a place where she will never have to be so sick again."

            She smiled at me.  The well-known widow whose only daughter died only three days ago smiled at me.  It wasn't a pained smile, nor was it a smile for her sake.  She smiled for me.  For my sake!  It wasn't a selfish smile, because she had no pain!  Her daughter was dead, and there was no pain in her eyes!  How do you respond to that?  How does a selfish person respond to a selfless one?  There was nothing I could have said.  Yet, I didn't care.  All that mattered to me was that the only girl I would ever love had been taken from me.  Looking back, I realize that Higurashi-san must have sensed that.  And so she gently, lovingly, patted me on the back and left me to my thoughts.  The house quickly became too crowded.  I needed space to brood and mope, and so I left the chair to walk the shrine grounds and search for a lonelier place.  I found one in the branches of one of the trees; I was that desperate.  I sat there with my back against the center of the tree like a rag doll as a continuous stream of tears coursed down my cheeks, listening to the pronounced plops my tears made as they fell upon the dead leaves at the tree's base.  I closed my eyes and did the same as my tears.

            You can never breathe without oxygen.

*  *  *

            He leapt gracefully from the Goshinboku.  "Kagome, are you sure that's what you wanted to do?"

            She watched his lithe body twist in the air in preparation of landing.  "Yes, Inuyasha.  I had to make a choice.  I couldn't keep leading a double life.  Both of us know that.  Besides, I really like it here."

            His feet hit the dead leaves at the base of the Goshinboku.  "Yeah, the air in your time is a lot shittier, especially when you're not around to make it smell good."

*  *  *

            You can never breathe without oxygen.

Meta-Ramblings:
            I would very much appreciate reviews.  Let me know if the ending was too vague.  Thank you very much for your time. ^-^