FICLET: Falling Apart, and Falling Fast
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
RATING: PG-13 for some brief sex-talk
PAIRING: CJ/Josh, Josh/Donna-ish
SPOILERS: Disaster Relief
SUMMARY: "We're just two people, Donna. Two people that somehow always end
up in the same bed."
NOTE: Certain people (ahem, you know who you are!) keep writing CJ/Josh
drabbles, reminding me of the very first West Wing fic pair I ever tried.
Thought I'd head back there for a bit. Thanks Michelle!
**
Donna was tired. No, scratch that. She was exhausted, exhausted beyond the point of numbness, beyond the boundaries that normally kept her together. As she sat at her desk, staring into nothing, thoughts ran unchecked in her mind. Thoughts of work, of Josh, swirling and uncontrolled, random snippets of memory flooding in and out of Donna's brain. She'd never seen him this way before, and even though he was hiding his frustration well, Donna wasn't sure how soon he might break.
It was a screw up; they'd all screwed up and they'd all do it again before the next three years would pass. It was the punishment, Donna figured, the fact that Leo had taken his faith elsewhere. Angela Blake. She wasn't Josh, but she was doing his work, and Josh knew what that meant. Donna knew it, too, and she wondered for how long her boss would accept Leo's grudge.
"You know it's almost midnight, right?"
Donna shook out of her rambling thoughts to see CJ leaning against the bullpen wall. Running her hand through tousled blonde hair, Donna sighed and rolled her eyes. "I know. I'm just."
"I know," CJ murmured, instantly looking older than her years. "We all are."
Donna nodded, noticing CJ's blank stare. She knew what CJ had been going through lately; they had all been fighting their own battles. Donna's breath suddenly caught in her throat. There had once been a time when they would fight their battles together, as a team. It was falling apart, and falling fast.
Donna stood up, pushing herself away from the desk. "I should call Josh. Make sure he got home okay. He was a little out of it when he left."
CJ spoke softly as Donna reached for the phone. "He got home okay. He's at my place. I actually just came back to get his overcoat. It's going to be cold this weekend."
Donna tried not to look surprised as she met CJ's eyes. It was only now that she noticed Josh's coat folded over CJ's arms. "He's at your place?"
"I caught him in the parking lot, and you're right. He was a little out of it."
Donna swallowed. She knew the way CJ and Josh were, the way they had always been. It was off and on, on and off, on again, then off before anyone could ever tell the difference. It had been years since they had all stopped asking questions. But Donna still questioned, always wondered why they seemed to gravitate towards each other and move away just as quickly. Was it just sex? Was it for comfort during the hard times? Were they each other's filler during the lonely periods? Or was it something real, something that didn't need boundaries or restrictions?
Donna cleared her throat, realizing that she'd been silent for too long. "I thought you said he'd never come to you."
"When did I say that?" CJ was quick to respond, her tone a bit sharper than she'd intended.
Donna raised her eyes, now wide from the dull fear of confrontation with CJ. "After the birthday party. In the Mural Room.when we were talking. You said he'd never come to you."
CJ snorted softly, the sharpness in her voice gone. She rested her hand on her hip and stared down at the expensive wool of Josh's coat. "He comes to me for different things. It's complicated, Donna," she announced, suddenly grabbing Donna's eyes with her own. "We're complicated."
Donna nodded, wishing she were drunk. She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping she might bleed. The last time she'd had this discussion, it had been with Amy and the beer had made it so much simpler. Donna twisted her mouth and pushed forward. She had to know. "CJ, what exactly."
"Are we?" CJ interjected wryly, finishing the question. Shaking her head casually, the taller woman looked almost ready to chuckle. "You know what we are. Josh and I..we're just two people, Donna. Two people that somehow always end up in the same bed."
Donna nodded, not really understanding but wanting to pretend. "Comfort sex?"
The look on CJ's face startled Donna; maybe she shouldn't have said it so bluntly, so honestly. CJ was shaking her head, not angrily, but not complacently. "You've wanted him for years, Donna. When are you going to make your move? When are you going to go and get him? He's crazy about you but he doesn't know it yet, and he's not ever going to figure it out until someone tells him," CJ blurted out, her eyes strong and her face hard.
Donna felt stunned in place. "Then why do the two of you.why do you let him."
"I don't know, Donna, I don't know. It's just what we've always done," CJ said quietly, holding Josh's coat tightly to her body. She glanced around the dim and quiet bullpen, and then back at Donna. "I've got to get going."
Donna didn't move until CJ had disappeared from the bullpen, her heels just tiny clicks against the tile as she headed out into the lobby. As the door swung closed, Donna felt heaviness in the pit of her stomach, and she moved to gather her things. Dressed warmly in her coat, and with her bag packed and ready, Donna switched out the last light illuminating the area. Darkness fell over the bullpen, and Donna stood in the still, black silence, waiting for the pain in her chest to pass. CJ's words were echoing in her head, jumbling her thoughts together like crashing waves against rock. When was she going to make her move? When was she going to go and get him? Donna wondered if she even could at all. The sudden realization fell over Donna with sadness. It wasn't her that he went to, it was CJ. It had always been CJ, and it always would be. Even if Josh was not the man for CJ, and even if CJ was not the woman he loved, it was there just the same, anytime they wanted, needed another person. Donna smirked and began to walk, wondering if she might not come back on Monday. It was a glamorous thought, though slightly childish, and it began to grow in Donna's mind. She'd leave it all behind, Josh and CJ, and the rest of them. She'd leave them to their own devices, leave them to each other. It might be what they deserved, what they all had coming in the end, anyway. Reaching her car, Donna unlocked it and slipped inside, thinking about getting a tank of gas and her suitcase. As she navigated out of the White House parking lot, she began to drive home through the familiar streets. The route would take her right past CJ's apartment, and even though she swore she would not look, Donna couldn't help but glancing up at the glowing building. Third floor, third window, curtains pulled tight and a soft light on inside. Something pulled her eyes away, and harshly Donna pressed the accelerator, sped past, and thought about where she might be by Monday. *
**
Donna was tired. No, scratch that. She was exhausted, exhausted beyond the point of numbness, beyond the boundaries that normally kept her together. As she sat at her desk, staring into nothing, thoughts ran unchecked in her mind. Thoughts of work, of Josh, swirling and uncontrolled, random snippets of memory flooding in and out of Donna's brain. She'd never seen him this way before, and even though he was hiding his frustration well, Donna wasn't sure how soon he might break.
It was a screw up; they'd all screwed up and they'd all do it again before the next three years would pass. It was the punishment, Donna figured, the fact that Leo had taken his faith elsewhere. Angela Blake. She wasn't Josh, but she was doing his work, and Josh knew what that meant. Donna knew it, too, and she wondered for how long her boss would accept Leo's grudge.
"You know it's almost midnight, right?"
Donna shook out of her rambling thoughts to see CJ leaning against the bullpen wall. Running her hand through tousled blonde hair, Donna sighed and rolled her eyes. "I know. I'm just."
"I know," CJ murmured, instantly looking older than her years. "We all are."
Donna nodded, noticing CJ's blank stare. She knew what CJ had been going through lately; they had all been fighting their own battles. Donna's breath suddenly caught in her throat. There had once been a time when they would fight their battles together, as a team. It was falling apart, and falling fast.
Donna stood up, pushing herself away from the desk. "I should call Josh. Make sure he got home okay. He was a little out of it when he left."
CJ spoke softly as Donna reached for the phone. "He got home okay. He's at my place. I actually just came back to get his overcoat. It's going to be cold this weekend."
Donna tried not to look surprised as she met CJ's eyes. It was only now that she noticed Josh's coat folded over CJ's arms. "He's at your place?"
"I caught him in the parking lot, and you're right. He was a little out of it."
Donna swallowed. She knew the way CJ and Josh were, the way they had always been. It was off and on, on and off, on again, then off before anyone could ever tell the difference. It had been years since they had all stopped asking questions. But Donna still questioned, always wondered why they seemed to gravitate towards each other and move away just as quickly. Was it just sex? Was it for comfort during the hard times? Were they each other's filler during the lonely periods? Or was it something real, something that didn't need boundaries or restrictions?
Donna cleared her throat, realizing that she'd been silent for too long. "I thought you said he'd never come to you."
"When did I say that?" CJ was quick to respond, her tone a bit sharper than she'd intended.
Donna raised her eyes, now wide from the dull fear of confrontation with CJ. "After the birthday party. In the Mural Room.when we were talking. You said he'd never come to you."
CJ snorted softly, the sharpness in her voice gone. She rested her hand on her hip and stared down at the expensive wool of Josh's coat. "He comes to me for different things. It's complicated, Donna," she announced, suddenly grabbing Donna's eyes with her own. "We're complicated."
Donna nodded, wishing she were drunk. She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping she might bleed. The last time she'd had this discussion, it had been with Amy and the beer had made it so much simpler. Donna twisted her mouth and pushed forward. She had to know. "CJ, what exactly."
"Are we?" CJ interjected wryly, finishing the question. Shaking her head casually, the taller woman looked almost ready to chuckle. "You know what we are. Josh and I..we're just two people, Donna. Two people that somehow always end up in the same bed."
Donna nodded, not really understanding but wanting to pretend. "Comfort sex?"
The look on CJ's face startled Donna; maybe she shouldn't have said it so bluntly, so honestly. CJ was shaking her head, not angrily, but not complacently. "You've wanted him for years, Donna. When are you going to make your move? When are you going to go and get him? He's crazy about you but he doesn't know it yet, and he's not ever going to figure it out until someone tells him," CJ blurted out, her eyes strong and her face hard.
Donna felt stunned in place. "Then why do the two of you.why do you let him."
"I don't know, Donna, I don't know. It's just what we've always done," CJ said quietly, holding Josh's coat tightly to her body. She glanced around the dim and quiet bullpen, and then back at Donna. "I've got to get going."
Donna didn't move until CJ had disappeared from the bullpen, her heels just tiny clicks against the tile as she headed out into the lobby. As the door swung closed, Donna felt heaviness in the pit of her stomach, and she moved to gather her things. Dressed warmly in her coat, and with her bag packed and ready, Donna switched out the last light illuminating the area. Darkness fell over the bullpen, and Donna stood in the still, black silence, waiting for the pain in her chest to pass. CJ's words were echoing in her head, jumbling her thoughts together like crashing waves against rock. When was she going to make her move? When was she going to go and get him? Donna wondered if she even could at all. The sudden realization fell over Donna with sadness. It wasn't her that he went to, it was CJ. It had always been CJ, and it always would be. Even if Josh was not the man for CJ, and even if CJ was not the woman he loved, it was there just the same, anytime they wanted, needed another person. Donna smirked and began to walk, wondering if she might not come back on Monday. It was a glamorous thought, though slightly childish, and it began to grow in Donna's mind. She'd leave it all behind, Josh and CJ, and the rest of them. She'd leave them to their own devices, leave them to each other. It might be what they deserved, what they all had coming in the end, anyway. Reaching her car, Donna unlocked it and slipped inside, thinking about getting a tank of gas and her suitcase. As she navigated out of the White House parking lot, she began to drive home through the familiar streets. The route would take her right past CJ's apartment, and even though she swore she would not look, Donna couldn't help but glancing up at the glowing building. Third floor, third window, curtains pulled tight and a soft light on inside. Something pulled her eyes away, and harshly Donna pressed the accelerator, sped past, and thought about where she might be by Monday. *