Standard Disclaimer Type Statement: Harry Potter and all associated characters, places, and whatevers are property of J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, and Time Warner (boo, hiss). I do this for fun. Well, maybe not, fun, exactly, but because I need to write once in a while.
Note: While this story is rated PG (and I think it's at a G level myself) with no sexual content and no language beyond standard British swearing, it does contain some sensitive material as referred to in the summary. I mean, I can't read it without crying, so…you might want a few tissues handy.
Hedwig's Gift
Harry's eyes flew open suddenly one morning, strange because he usually had a hard time waking, even with the help of an alarm and the man next to him. He shifted and tossed and turned for about ten minutes before fitfully concluding that he was not going to get his precious slumber back anytime soon and wearily sat up.
"About time," came a deep voice from the depths of the bedclothes. "I was wondering how much longer you were intending to torture me with sleep deprivation."
"It's not as if you ever get much sleep anyway," Harry pointed out as he pulled back a blanket to reveal long strands of steel gray hair. "How you live on five or six hours a night I'll never understand."
"I'll thank you to leave my blankets right where they are," Severus growled as he abruptly pulled them back over his head, "and I never did need much sleep, even as a child."
"Must be your metabolism," mused Harry. "Or your inborn stubbornness."
"Must be." And he turned away, back into the warmth of the blankets.
Harry levered his body out of bed, wincing as he heard the snaps and pops of his unused joints expanding. Such a shame getting older, he thought. At least, being a wizard, he could expect to stay active and vital for more years than he would have had otherwise. Reaching over to the usual place on the nightstand for his glasses, he put them on, frowning to himself as he squinted slightly to see the numbers on the digital clock. Magical alarms simply didn't work to get him out of bed on time, and Severus had made a rare concession to allowing a piece of muggle technology in their bedroom for the sake of domestic peace. An alarm clock fit much better than a house elf in their quarters on this side of the Atlantic.
The green numbers glowed in the morning grayness. Seven-oh-eight? Harry questioned sleepily. Hedwig was usually well up by now, wanting her breakfast. Maybe she's trying to have a lie-in as well this morning. On went the slippers and robe, a whisper and a wave brought the banked embers to flame in the hearth, and Harry padded out to the kitchen to start the tea.
With the food in his hand (Purina Senior Owl Chow was the best blend he could buy without having to stand and mince rodents), Harry called into the living room. "Hedwig? Time to get up, girl, you've been a lazy owl this morning." At the lack of response, he strolled out into the living room. "Hedwig? Time to—"
Severus sat bolt upright at the sound of Harry's cry.
In a moment, he had scrambled to Harry's side in the other room, where he was huddled over a white feathered mass on the floor. "Hedwig, Hed, please get up, please talk to me, Hed, oh gods, please Hedwig, please say something, please-"
Severus glanced at Hedwig's body on the floor and was tremendously relieved to see the faintest rise and fall of feathers. He grabbed for the roll of parchment on the mantle and nearly ripped it in his haste to open it. "Emergency vets," he commanded with a tap of his wand, and a short list of names appeared on the sheet.
Harry kept pleading with Hedwig, oblivious to anything else.
"Harry, Harry, listen to me," Severus pleaded, shaking the younger man slightly. It worked. "I'm not as familiar with this city as you are. Tell me which one of these places is closest to us," and he thrust the parchment under Harry's nose.
"Hedwig—"
"We can help Hedwig only if we can get her to a animal mediwizard. Which one is closest?" he commanded Harry in his professorial voice. That seemed to work.
"Prince Street Extension…"
Severus grabbed the jar of floo powder, flung some in the flames, called out "Village Green Magical Animal Hospital", and stuck his head into the fire.
A young female in muggle medical scrubs greeted him. "Sir? Is there a problem?"
"My partner's owl is deathly ill. Can you see us at once?"
"Yes, sir. I'll prep one of the examining rooms. Do you know what the problem is?"
"I haven't had a chance to look, yet, but I can tell you it's serious, and that she is an elderly owl. May we apparate in?"
"Of course. Name?"
"Potter."
"We'll be waiting, Mr. Potter."
Severus didn't bother to correct the witch as he pulled his head back out of the fire. "Harry, we've got to get Hedwig to the animal hospital now. They're expecting us. Do you know exactly where it is?"
"On P-Prince Street, next t-to that Lebanese rest-t-aurant you s-swore y-you'd never g-go into a-again."
"Good enough." Severus summoned a soft, fluffy towel from the bathroom and gently wrapped Hedwig in it, relieved to note she was still warm. Holding the small bundle in one arm, and Harry in the other, Severus summoned his energy and apparated all of them.
There were no passerby to notice the strange sight the three made suddenly appearing on the sidewalk. Severus noted with an inner smirk the restaurant sported a "For Rent" sign as he quickly shepherded Harry toward the animal clinic.
Two young women greeted them as they walked in the door, serious expressions on their faces.
Severus wasted no time. "This is Mr. Potter and his owl Hedwig."
"Yes sir, I talked with you on the firecall," said the witch he had seen in the flames. "Right this way Mr. P-"
"My name is Snape."
"Into Room Two, please."
Severus steered Harry into the room and onto a chair as he gently handed Hedwig, still wrapped securely, to the tech. The other woman, dressed in light blue medirobes, had brought over a warming pad and a soft, fleece blanket. The tech placed Hedwig, who still gave no signs of stirring, into the new nest as the veterinarian wizard strode into the room.
"Is she alright? What's wrong with her?" Harry cried as Severus moved to his side and gripped his shoulder, ready for whatever moves Harry should make in his panic.
"I'm checking your owl right now, Mr...."
"Potter. Owl is Hedwig, female, elderly," supplied the second young woman, busy making notes on a chart. She slipped out of the room as the doctor moved around.
"Potter. I'm Doctor Koenig. Can you tell me anything about Hedwig? How did you come to be here this morning?" The animal mediwizard spoke as he waved his wand over Hedwig and felt her carefully. A faint cobalt glow emanated from the tip of the wand, and Severus hoped Harry didn't notice the frown on the doctor's face.
"I found her crumpled in a heap under her perch this morning when I went to feed her. Usually she wakes me up wanting her breakfast, but she didn't this morning. Everything was alright last night, she ate her normal ration and went to sleep. She hasn't been flying much lately, though. It's been cold and I didn't want her catching anything. Will she be alright?" Harry had remained relatively calm through his explanation, but his voice caught on the last question, and Severus tightened his grip slightly.
"You brought her is as soon as you found her -- that's important, and a good thing," Dr. Koenig replied. "How old is Hedwig?"
"I'm not sure exactly. My friend bought her for me on my eleventh birthday. I'm forty now...I don't even know how long owls are supposed to live for!"
Dr. Koenig glanced at the tech wearing scrubs, and she matched his look of concern.
"Mr. Potter-"
"Harry. Please call me Harry."
"Harry, I need to run some tests before I can tell you anything. Autumn?" The young witch in robes poked her head in the door, a kneazle kitten in her arms. "Would you show Mr. Potter and his companion to the back waiting room? We have a comfortable couch and a television back there, and Autumn can get you some coffee if you'd like. I'll be back to talk to you as soon as I know anything from the test results."
"I want to stay with Hedwig!" Harry protested.
"Harry, let the doctor work in peace. It's too crowded in here with all of us," Severus told Harry. "Come on...we'll only be a few feet away."
The younger man allowed himself to be led out of the examining room, and the two followed Autumn to the waiting room.
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" she asked politely.
"You wouldn't happen to have tea available, would you?" asked Severus, cursing American libations for the 817th time.
"Only in teabags, I'm afraid. I thought you might ask, with those accents." Autumn tried to smile politely, but Severus could see even she was worried.
"That will do. Thank you."
Severus kept a close eye on Harry, who was gazing sightlessly at a small television tuned to something called WNN, as the extraordinarily garish logo in the corner of the screen proclaimed. Autumn returned in a few minutes with a coffee pot full of boiling water, two ceramic mugs ("I heart Puffskeins" was going to Harry), and a box full of teabags. "The best I can do," she said with a shrug.
"It's quite acceptable. Thank you again. Do you know how long it will take the doctor to receive any test results?" Severus asked, pouring the hot water over a teabag into his mug.
"It all depends on what he tests for, and there are so many unknowns in your owl's condition, it may take awhile. I promise we'll let you know as soon as we can."
Severus nodded, took one look at his tea, and added another bag.
Harry stared into space, although at times his eyes did get suspiciously watery.
Severus stared at Harry, and tried to figure out why anyone lived in America anyway, what with bad tea and bad television. Honestly, Wizarding News Network was as bad as the Daily Prophet. Severus took great delight in lining his own owl's cage with copies of the rag he nicked from public places. It was a service to the common good, as he saw it.
The tea had disappeared and the pot of water grown cold when Dr. Koenig entered the waiting room. Harry snapped out of his trance and stood abruptly. "Well, what did you find out? What's wrong? How are you going to treat her?"
The wizard sighed and pulled a chair over from the small table in the room. "Harry, please sit down. I need to discuss some things with you."
"What's wrong?"
"Harry, Hedwig has had a stroke. Just like humans, animals, even magical animals, are susceptible to the infirmities of age. Hedwig is quite old for an owl. Even if she was a juvenile when you first got her, she's lived several years beyond her normal, expected lifespan. As she aged, her nervous system did too, and even though we're still not exactly sure why or how, sometime very early this morning, she had a seizure which led to the stroke."
Harry trembled. "How can we treat her?"
Severus sighed. He knew what was coming. He didn't know how to handle it for Harry's sake.
"Harry, Hedwig is paralyzed completely on the left side of her body, and we estimate about thirty or forty percent on her right side. Her breathing is labored, and, although she's not in any pain, even if we could rehabilitate her to any level, she'd never fly, or even be able to perch again."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"There's no easy way to say this, Harry, but I think you need to let Hedwig go."
"Go? Go where?" Harry asked, confused, as Severus clasped his hand. Then, realization dawned, and Harry's face drained of color.
"Oh, no, no, no god no, she can't be, it can't be time for her to go yet!"
"Harry," said Severus, in a tone he had used with Harry only one time before, "Hedwig isn't going to get better."
"There must be something we can do! I'll take her back to England, to the doctors there, they'll know what to do!"
"Would you like to see Hedwig, Harry?" asked Dr. Koenig.
"Please..."
Hedwig lay in a soft sided basket that had a warming charm placed upon it. She breathed shallowly, and soft rasps could be made out in the silence of the room. When Harry reached out to caress her feathers, she feebly tried to move into his touch, but faintly collapsed back. Tears welled in Harry's eyes as he looked at his snowy owl's struggle.
Severus blinked too.
"Harry," the tall man said in that same tone, "Hedwig is a smart owl, and she loves you very much. Ask her what she wants."
"Girl," and Harry's voice trembled, "is it time? Are you ready to go?"
Hedwig managed to turn her head ever so slightly to look into Harry's eyes. Her beak opened in a silent hoot.
"Oh gods," Harry cried, and the tears ran freely down his face.
"Will it hurt her at all, Doctor?" Severus asked in a strangled voice.
"No. A few whispered words and a wave of the wand and she'll be free. There's no pain, and no waiting."
"Harry, do you want to be alone with Hedwig to say goodbye?" Severus asked his lover.
"No, no, I need you here, please don't leave me alone!"
"Never. I'm right here, brat, right here," and Severus wrapped his arms around Harry.
"I love you, Hedwig, I love you so much, from the first day when Hagrid brought you to me, you've been there for me through everything. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I couldn't do more for you, I love you, please forgive me..." Harry broke down in sobbing gasps.
"Do...do you want to hold her?" asked the doctor. Clearly, from the catch in his voice, it never was easy for him, either.
"Please."
The tech in scrubs, tears in her eyes as well, lifted Hedwig and arranged her comfortably in Harry's arms as he sat. Severus leaned over and stroked the snowy head one last time. "Thank you, Hedwig, for watching over Harry and taking care of him when I couldn't. I will miss you." His eyes blurry, Severus watched as Harry buried his head against Hedwig, murmuring private words of farewell into her feathers. Finally, he lifted his tearstained face and spoke.
"It's alright, doctor, it's time."
Dr. Koenig walked over to the pair and lifted his wand.
"I love you, Hedwig. Thank you." Harry whispered.
Hedwig looked directly into Harry's shimmering green eyes, and even Severus, cold-hearted bastard he believed himself to be, could see the love shining in those yellow orbs.
"D'Arkham Kedavra." A light, deep bluish green in color, moved almost sluggishly from the doctor's wand to surround Hedwig. Her eyes closed, a short sigh, and she was --
-- A pulse of silver gold seemed to pull up and away from the owl's body, hover a moment, and shoot into Harry's chest.
"Oh!" The doctor, the tech, and Harry exclaimed at the same moment.
"Doctor, what just happened? Is Harry alright?" Severus demanded uneasily.
"I'm f-fine, Sev, really," Harry said. "There's this warmth flowing through me, warmth and…and a…strange…tingle. It feels…comforting."
"We see this very, very rarely," Dr. Koenig said, somewhat awed. "There's no formal name for it, but I like to call it The Gift."
"What is it?" Harry and Severus asked in unison.
"It's a transfer of magical energy, and something more than energy from Hedwig to yourself. Some magical animals with very, very strong bonds to their humans pass this energy to them at the moment of their passing. From what I've been told, there also seems to be a physical manifestation of the love the animal felt in this energy. We think the love is the warm, comforting feeling you're having." As the doctor spoke, the technician moved to Harry's side and put her hand on Hedwig's body. He shook his head. Severus could see he wasn't ready to give her up yet.
Tears had begun their paths down Harry's face again. "Does it go away? It feels stronger as I sit here."
Dr. Koenig smiled faintly. "No, from what I've been told, it remains with you for the rest of your life. Whenever you think about Hedwig, some of this warmth and comfort will flow through you. It's her final gift to you, to help you deal with your loss."
Harry, who had been struggling with his composure during the doctor's gentle explanation, finally broke. He crumpled back into his chair and howled his pain. The tech took the opportunity to spirit the owl out of his lap as Severus kneeled alongside Harry, ignoring the protest from his knees as they met the hard floor, and took the grieving man into his arms.
It was hard to understand the muffled words against his chest, but Severus understood that Harry was crying for all his losses. He tried to be as comforting as he could, stroking the salt and pepper hair, whispering over and over that it was alright to cry, and that he would miss Hedwig too, but it was for the best…if only he could control his own tears, maybe he'd be a bit more believable.
After several minutes, Harry straightened.
"I-I'm sorry for that display."
"Don't be," Severus whispered into Harry's hair. "You need to mourn. And you will mourn for quite some time."
"Have you ever lost a pet?" Harry sniffled.
"Once, when I was a child, an owl. Don't ask me the details right now, please."
"Alright. But someday?"
"When the pain isn't so fresh, yes. Someday." Severus dug for his handkerchief, then realized for the first time he was still wearing his pajamas.
"Oh bloody hell!"
Harry wiped his eyes on his robe sleeve. "What is it?"
"I'm still in my sodding nightclothes! I was in such a hurry to get us here I never changed!"
Harry looked incredulously at Severus for a minute, then down at his own robe, and a small grin broke out on his tear-streaked face.
"It is not funny," Severus hissed, but he couldn't deny the smile tugging at the corners of his thin lips. Whether by coincidence or tactful planning, Dr. Koenig and the tech in scrubs walked into the examining room at that moment.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Snape, I hate to disturb you in your grief, but there are a few matters that need to be discussed," Dr. Koenig said somberly, with a curious glance at Severus' face.
The pair stood, and Severus promptly put on his Bastard Potions Master visage, choosing to ignore the undeniable fact it looked rather unconvincing with red, puffy eyes.
"As in, what to do with Hedwig's body?" Harry asked quietly. Then he blinked.
"It's funny," he said, "but I can feel that comfort you were telling us about earlier, now. There's a sense I have that everything will be fine, shining through the pain."
"I'm glad," said the animal mediwizard. "It should prove to be a great help in the days and weeks ahead. Now, as to the arrangements-"
"What will you do with the body?"
"That's really up to you. There are many different options. We can take care of things for you, if you'd like, or release the body back to you for burial."
The technician chimed in. "There are also options for cremation. She can be cremated alone and the ashes returned to you, or –"
"That's what I would like," broke in Harry. "I want to honor her memory, everything she did and meant for me. Hedwig is such a friend, I can't imagine burying her in a place she had never been, and wasn't familiar with at all."
"Fine. We'll give you a call when her remains are back in our office, say in about a week." Harry was crying again, slowly and silently, but he remained in control. Dr. Koenig stepped over to Harry. "Mr. Potter – Harry – I truly am sorry about Hedwig. I've been a veterinarian for 23 years, and these moments never, ever get any easier for me, or for my staff. You've been very brave, and I believe you made the right decision for Hedwig today."
"Thank you, Doctor. You've all been very kind to me, and to Hedwig. I know it can't be easy. Sev and I…where's Severus?" Harry looked left and right, but no sign of the tall man was in sight.
"I believe he's at the front desk, taking care of things," the technician said.
"Then I guess it's time to go h-home," Harry said, voice catching on the last word.
"Yes, it is," Severus added, coming back into the room. "Everything is arranged, Harry." Severus turned to the Doctor and the technician. "Thank you for all your help. We will be awaiting your call in a week."
"Are you ready to go, Harry?" he said, turning to his mate and taking his arm.
"Yes."
And Severus apparated the two of them back to their flat.
Harry stepped away from Severus in the living room. The first thing his eyes set upon was the owl perch in the corner. A sob tore up from his throat and he ran to the bedroom. Severus followed in a moment.
"Would you like me to put away her things? I won't do anything to them, just put them away until you're ready." The older man stroked Harry's back, trying to comfort him.
"Will I ever be ready? Even with Hedwig's Gift, I still feel so empty, and useless. I could have done more for her, could have –"
"We've been over this so many times, Potter, for so many reasons. You can't blame yourself for any of this. This time you don't even have a good excuse. Hedwig lived a wonderful, happy life. Her master loved her, and she loved you. She was warm, and well-fed, and never lacked for a thing an owl could want. She's even a hero, if you want to consider how many times she got messages through during the war."
"She was a good owl," Harry whispered.
"She was, indeed," Severus concurred. He lay beside Harry in their bed, and together, quietly, they drew comfort from each other.
~o~O~o~
It was a warm day for late September at Hogwarts. The grass was still green, and, miracle of miracles, the sun was shining brightly in the blue sky, causing the lake's surface to shimmer and gleam.
If I believed in an afterlife, Severus thought, I'd think the old man had something to do with the weather. Good thing I don't. But still…
Harry had dragged him up here, to this high bluff overlooking the lake and Hogwarts, because he said he needed him for something important. After much grumbling that he was a dignified wizard of a certain age and far too old to be traipsing around paths made by teenagers, Severus followed Harry obediently to the somewhat windy lookout.
"Well, Potter, what is it you wanted?" Hogwarts always brought out the best in him.
Harry stood closer to Severus and leaned into him. The older man's arm snaked around Harry's waist of its own accord. Harry reached into his robes and brought out a small teak wood box.
Severus raised both eyebrows and held on a bit tighter.
"When I was at Hogwarts, I'd come up here to get away and think, especially when things started to go wrong. Hedwig would either come up here with me, or manage to find me even if I wanted to be all alone. She'd sit quietly next to me, just listening if I wanted to talk, or sometimes she'd go flying, and I'd watch her soar on the currents. Once in a while I'd join her on my broomstick, and we'd race around, having fun."
Harry stared at the lake. Severus stared at the lake.
"This is where she belongs, Sev. Not in a box on the mantel, or buried in the dark ground, but here, floating on the air, in a place she loved to be."
Severus reached around and took his lover into his arms. Harry cried, silently. Finally, the tall man broke the embrace.
"Are you ready, brat?" Severus said, looking into Harry's eyes.
"Yes," whispered Harry, as he opened the teak box.
"I love you, Hedwig!" Harry cried out as he whipped the box around, hurling its contents into the great, spreading blue sky, where they actually shimmered, shimmered silver gold for a moment before swirling and spreading away on the wind for forever.
"That was a brave thing to do, Harry. And the right thing to do," Severus said after a few minutes, when he trusted his voice again.
"I love you, Sev."
"I love you too, Harry."
And they sat watching the world revolve slowly past.
END
~o~O~o~
I Guess I Should Explain Myself Dept.
Very, very recently I had to put a cat down after he very quickly became deadly ill (kidney failure) and stopped eating or drinking despite all reasonable, humane measures. Merlin was a rescue kitty, and only three and a half years old at his death. He had the sweetest personality I ever saw, and I used to tease him he was really a dog in a cat body, the way he'd lick my hand and sit up and beg for food. He wagged his tail to greet me when I came home from work, and slept snuggled up against my left leg at night. I was with him to the end, stroking him and petting him as the vet technician gave him his final injection.
I miss him terribly.
I wrote Hedwig's Gift quickly, within ten days, as a way to honor Merlin's memory and to mourn and cope with my loss. I can't imagine it would be any easier for a witch or wizard to lose a familiar than it is for any of us to lose a beloved pet.
The spell (I wouldn't call it a curse) that the veterinarian uses to euthanize Hedwig is a variation on Avada Kedavra, which is itself said to be a variation on the Aramaic words "adhadda kedhabhra", meaning "let the thing be destroyed". (See The Harry Potter Lexicon) I did a web search for the Aramaic word for "mercy", and picked a form that I felt matched the tense and intention of the speaker, given that I know nothing about the grammar and structure of Aramaic. Hopefully, D'Arkham Kedavra could be translated roughly as "destroy with mercy".
I don't know how available the movie might be these days, but if you can, find a copy of Stealing Home, starring Mark Harmon and Jody Foster. You'll understand the final scene in my story much better.
In this somewhat alternate universe, Harry and Severus have been in a relationship for several years, and know that they love each other deeply. I have been writing, even though I haven't posted in months. The Christmas story I began working on in July has turned into quite the project, with an entire universe developing from the one simple point that Severus loved James before he loved Harry. I reserve the right to make future changes in this story to fit with that universe if Harry and Severus ever do get together, which still isn't a given, even after tens of thousands of unpublished words. Conversely, don't take this story as a sign that there is a happy ever after for our two gentlemen.
As always, if you want to post this somewhere else, particularly a place that doesn't change the rules in the middle of the game, (Would someone please explain what the harm is in having Author's Notes in a separate, clearly labeled chapter?) simply give me the writing credit. I'd post elsewhere myself, except that I can't think of a single archive I read that is currently accepting non-sexual Harry/Severus stories. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in a short review note.
A good 2004 to you all.