Author's Note: Don't ask. After working out Chapter 2 of 'Never Look Back'
I needed a bit of humor. Enjoy my Evangelion one shot, about what happens
when you get in the rut.
Disclaimer: If I owned this, I wouldn't write for free. You get the idea. This is all Gainax at work.
No one really foresaw this. Not even SEELE. But then again, SEELE was extremely wealthy. NERV employees didn't even have benefits. Promptly after Third Impact, those who worked for NERV, including Ikari Gendou, Fuyutsuki Kouzou, Katsuragi Misato, and practically everyone else affected by NERV's collapse and exposure ended up paying the price. They were out of work, hungry, and angry. Some others, like the reincarnated and still annoyingly jovial and charismatic (Though to the notice of his peers, strangely disturbing, yelled at for a need for hair dye), Nagisa Kaoru, just didn't care.
It was mid afternoon at the Osaka-2 municipal Welfare Branch and Department of Human Services building, and it was brimming with the not-so enthusiastic lot, who loitered about in the line, waiting for the lazy, somewhat preening civil service people to get back from lunch.
In a corner, Shinji, Misato, and Asuka were propped up against the utilitarian gray wall of the edifice. They were having a heated discussion.
"What do you mean you didn't look at severance pay? Are you STUPID, Misato?" Sohryu Asuka Langley roared at her former superior officer, and now, co-dependent.
"Really, Misato-san, and you say we're childish and irresponsible. Only reason we're not eating shoe leather is because not only do they not make shoes out of leather anymore." muttered Shinji dejectedly, a frown on his face, "and also that we already ate our synthetic footwear."
Indeed, none of the three were wearing any shoes. Shinji's socks had ominous chunks of cloth missing from it too.
"Although your bakamitai (ridiculous) little scheme to eat your belongings has kept us alive, don't think you're going to see me nude for lack of food, you stupid little pervert!" came her belittling retort, caustic as ever.
"On second thought.Misato, money isn't important." Chuckled Shinji, more for his own amusement then that of the red head who, without fail, slapped him before he could even finish his laugh.
Holding his face with his hand, Shinji shook his head.
"We could try selling Eva Unit 01, Shinji." Misato began, giving him a wink.
"Remember what happened last time? It took out half of the JSSDF going berserk in getting back. That thing's no machine. It's a loyal puppy."
"Shouldn't talk about your mom that way, Shin-chan," the raven-purple haired ex-Major said playfully, drawing a baleful glare from Shinji.
Elsewhere in the room others weren't faring well either. Nagisa Kaoru, the half-Angel, Half-Human Angel of Free Will, was humming the main 'theme' from Barney's TV show, practically blasting the chillingly annoying 'I Love you, you love me' refrain into the collective minds of all in earshot.
Even Rei was getting sick and tired of it. She almost liked it more when he hummed Beethoven. She didn't know what kinds of illicit substances Nagisa- kun managed to get his hands on, but she was quite sure it was in no way healthy. Or maybe he was just an idiot.
"Can you stop that, Angel of ADD?" fumed Dr. Akagi Ritsuko. The former director of Project E couldn't find work no matter how hard she tried. No one wanted the 'Mad Scientist' of NERV working for them. Even a strip club in china had refused her. "I don't have to put up with this.even Ranma gets severance pay.so much for all anime characters get equal rights.."
"Oh, am I bothering you?" asked Kaoru in his maddeningly, almost mock- innocent tone. Then the silver-haired boy saw something truly noteworthy: Ikari Gendou, the second most 'Less Talkative' operative of NERV, had engaged himself in a staring contest with a civil servant who'd decided to eat lunch there. His mistake.
A scratchy, whiny, and generally apathetic voice ripped through the loudspeakers. Those Public Announcer things were always too damn loud for anyone's liking.
"Will the owner of a large, purple, Biomechanoid Human Fighter Evangelion, License plates IAM666 please move your vehicle, it is illegally parked on top of someone else's vehicle .It might get towed. Well actually, it probably won't, you lucky bastard. People like you are what Japan doesn't need, alright?! And oooh yeah, Eva-boy, you have lemme see.[pause].fifty five parking tickets! That will be all!"
All eyes were on Shinji, who put up his best puppy-dog face. "Where else was I supposed to park? The roof?"
Someone anonymously murmured that it would have been fortunate for everyone if he had, and thus made the building collapse and draw this sorry episode to a close.
Makoto and Aoba were laughing at that statement and when they finally calmed down. Both of them were wearing Hawaiian tee shirts from their short 'We survived Hell' jaunt to Paradise. Now they were broke. They were taking it quite well.
"You know, we could just.I don't know, hold up the place." Makoto said in all seriousness, leveling Aoba a conspiring leer.
"Naw.this place doesn't have hard cash.even if they responded to my gun, there's still a EVA out there. Actually..you know that booze shop down the street? Let's hit them. I need a drink." The long haired operations lieutenant from the now-defunct secret organization said dryly, getting up from his chair.
"Alright! Hey, do you know if they have those little umbrella thingies you put in your drink?" was the last anyone heard of the conversation as the pair walked out the door.
At the head of the line, Kaoru was the first served. With eyebrows arched up in genuine curiosity, he posed a question to the clerk behind the bullet- proof glass that would have deterred the two felons in the making.
"Say, do angels and minor deities qualify for Welfare?"
The clerk gave him an odd look, shook her head, and then slid him a form. "Here, fill this out. A background check to see if you have any affiliation with Satan is also requisite."
"Oh.Him." He left a message on my cell-phone today. "You know what, I'll get back to you. " Kaoru smartly nodded and turned, walking to the back of the line and the door. "I think Arimasiael said there was a good bar somewhere around here."
When he got on the street, he heard gunshots, and Aoba and Makoto shouting.
The angelic, divine being smiled. "Bingo."
---Well alrighty then, that was messed up. I don't think I could of thought of anything more absurd. Well, until next fic. Ja!
Disclaimer: If I owned this, I wouldn't write for free. You get the idea. This is all Gainax at work.
No one really foresaw this. Not even SEELE. But then again, SEELE was extremely wealthy. NERV employees didn't even have benefits. Promptly after Third Impact, those who worked for NERV, including Ikari Gendou, Fuyutsuki Kouzou, Katsuragi Misato, and practically everyone else affected by NERV's collapse and exposure ended up paying the price. They were out of work, hungry, and angry. Some others, like the reincarnated and still annoyingly jovial and charismatic (Though to the notice of his peers, strangely disturbing, yelled at for a need for hair dye), Nagisa Kaoru, just didn't care.
It was mid afternoon at the Osaka-2 municipal Welfare Branch and Department of Human Services building, and it was brimming with the not-so enthusiastic lot, who loitered about in the line, waiting for the lazy, somewhat preening civil service people to get back from lunch.
In a corner, Shinji, Misato, and Asuka were propped up against the utilitarian gray wall of the edifice. They were having a heated discussion.
"What do you mean you didn't look at severance pay? Are you STUPID, Misato?" Sohryu Asuka Langley roared at her former superior officer, and now, co-dependent.
"Really, Misato-san, and you say we're childish and irresponsible. Only reason we're not eating shoe leather is because not only do they not make shoes out of leather anymore." muttered Shinji dejectedly, a frown on his face, "and also that we already ate our synthetic footwear."
Indeed, none of the three were wearing any shoes. Shinji's socks had ominous chunks of cloth missing from it too.
"Although your bakamitai (ridiculous) little scheme to eat your belongings has kept us alive, don't think you're going to see me nude for lack of food, you stupid little pervert!" came her belittling retort, caustic as ever.
"On second thought.Misato, money isn't important." Chuckled Shinji, more for his own amusement then that of the red head who, without fail, slapped him before he could even finish his laugh.
Holding his face with his hand, Shinji shook his head.
"We could try selling Eva Unit 01, Shinji." Misato began, giving him a wink.
"Remember what happened last time? It took out half of the JSSDF going berserk in getting back. That thing's no machine. It's a loyal puppy."
"Shouldn't talk about your mom that way, Shin-chan," the raven-purple haired ex-Major said playfully, drawing a baleful glare from Shinji.
Elsewhere in the room others weren't faring well either. Nagisa Kaoru, the half-Angel, Half-Human Angel of Free Will, was humming the main 'theme' from Barney's TV show, practically blasting the chillingly annoying 'I Love you, you love me' refrain into the collective minds of all in earshot.
Even Rei was getting sick and tired of it. She almost liked it more when he hummed Beethoven. She didn't know what kinds of illicit substances Nagisa- kun managed to get his hands on, but she was quite sure it was in no way healthy. Or maybe he was just an idiot.
"Can you stop that, Angel of ADD?" fumed Dr. Akagi Ritsuko. The former director of Project E couldn't find work no matter how hard she tried. No one wanted the 'Mad Scientist' of NERV working for them. Even a strip club in china had refused her. "I don't have to put up with this.even Ranma gets severance pay.so much for all anime characters get equal rights.."
"Oh, am I bothering you?" asked Kaoru in his maddeningly, almost mock- innocent tone. Then the silver-haired boy saw something truly noteworthy: Ikari Gendou, the second most 'Less Talkative' operative of NERV, had engaged himself in a staring contest with a civil servant who'd decided to eat lunch there. His mistake.
A scratchy, whiny, and generally apathetic voice ripped through the loudspeakers. Those Public Announcer things were always too damn loud for anyone's liking.
"Will the owner of a large, purple, Biomechanoid Human Fighter Evangelion, License plates IAM666 please move your vehicle, it is illegally parked on top of someone else's vehicle .It might get towed. Well actually, it probably won't, you lucky bastard. People like you are what Japan doesn't need, alright?! And oooh yeah, Eva-boy, you have lemme see.[pause].fifty five parking tickets! That will be all!"
All eyes were on Shinji, who put up his best puppy-dog face. "Where else was I supposed to park? The roof?"
Someone anonymously murmured that it would have been fortunate for everyone if he had, and thus made the building collapse and draw this sorry episode to a close.
Makoto and Aoba were laughing at that statement and when they finally calmed down. Both of them were wearing Hawaiian tee shirts from their short 'We survived Hell' jaunt to Paradise. Now they were broke. They were taking it quite well.
"You know, we could just.I don't know, hold up the place." Makoto said in all seriousness, leveling Aoba a conspiring leer.
"Naw.this place doesn't have hard cash.even if they responded to my gun, there's still a EVA out there. Actually..you know that booze shop down the street? Let's hit them. I need a drink." The long haired operations lieutenant from the now-defunct secret organization said dryly, getting up from his chair.
"Alright! Hey, do you know if they have those little umbrella thingies you put in your drink?" was the last anyone heard of the conversation as the pair walked out the door.
At the head of the line, Kaoru was the first served. With eyebrows arched up in genuine curiosity, he posed a question to the clerk behind the bullet- proof glass that would have deterred the two felons in the making.
"Say, do angels and minor deities qualify for Welfare?"
The clerk gave him an odd look, shook her head, and then slid him a form. "Here, fill this out. A background check to see if you have any affiliation with Satan is also requisite."
"Oh.Him." He left a message on my cell-phone today. "You know what, I'll get back to you. " Kaoru smartly nodded and turned, walking to the back of the line and the door. "I think Arimasiael said there was a good bar somewhere around here."
When he got on the street, he heard gunshots, and Aoba and Makoto shouting.
The angelic, divine being smiled. "Bingo."
---Well alrighty then, that was messed up. I don't think I could of thought of anything more absurd. Well, until next fic. Ja!