"Where will you like to go today?" Tsukasa let his long and slim fingers
run through every strand of my hair. Somehow, I feel that I am his little
pet puppy that he adores. Maybe one day, he will get sick of this pet and
get attracted away by some other more sophisticated pets.
Tsukasa knew I wasn't paying attention to him. He frowned a little and tipped my chin to meet my eyes. "Is anything troubling you?" I shook my head. "Why don't we visit the amusement park after dinner tonight?" I suggested. It wasn't meant to annoy Tsukasa because it never occurred to me that Tsukasa dislikes the amusement park.
It had always been a place every child enjoys visiting. The place I came from, was rather far away from the major functioning town. But Dad always makes it a deal that he will bring me to the town's little but luxurious amusement park every year on my birthday. But things started to change when I was fifteen.
I could still remember the look of dad when I got home that day. It was my birthday and I dashed past the living room and aimed for my bedroom, trying to get ready as soon as possible to be able to set off with dad to my amusement park.
I got into my favorite pink dress and skipped into the kitchen where Dad always had a cake ready. However, there was no cake. Dad was sitting in the kitchen in a daze. He hasn't changed into his suit yet.
When he saw me, he smiled and said, "Honey, I am sorry. We can't have any cake this year. But, I got you a blueberry muffin." I hugged Dad and kissed him. It is okay, I thought. I can go without a cake. I realized Dad was weeping silently. I hugged him even tighter. I knew something is wrong. But I didn't know what is wrong. I only know, I don't want to go to the amusement park today.
I cut the muffin into two and gave the bigger piece to Dad. He smiled and patted my head. "Honey, once I get dress, we go to the amusement park." I shook my head. "I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you. We can play with the doll house." I could see that Dad was closed to tearing again.
"Honey, I want to keep my promise, as much as I can." Dad held on to my hands. I felt his heart go weak. I knew this is the last time I could go with Dad. I looked away, not wanting to let Dad see the tears in my eyes.
We spent our happiest time in the amusement park that day. That night became the saddest moment of my life too. Dad shot himself in the head after he tucked me into bed. He never did close his eyes. I could never forget the way he looked. He could not bear to leave me but he had to. There was simply no way out.
A few days later, our lawyer came and I was made to sign some papers which I hardly understand. But I knew, it will mean, that the house had to go to the mayor. It was only later when I realized, Dad was made to sign some papers some months back too. I did not quite understand what papers could he had signed but my aunty who took me in, told me Dad went heavily in debt after he decided that he wanted to send me to the best college in the region.
And so, I was blamed for Dad's death. My Dad's only sister, who were no richer than we were, took me in and was then responsible for my future education. At first, she was fairly nice to me, thinking that I would share the savings Dad put aside for my education. When she realized I was leaving for the college in a couple of weeks, she drove me into the barn where I spent the rest of my nights before the arranged carriage came.
I was certain that once I graduated from a well-known college and gotten enough education to realize what were the papers Dad had signed, maybe I could get the house back. I even wrote to the mayor before I left, daring him that I would be back for the house.
But things didn't happen as I wanted it to. I did graduate from the college. And I even got together with Amon, the only son of the wealthiest merchant in town. Nobody could recognize me when I returned to my hometown. However, little did I know, Amon had only been treating me as just another toy of his. What could be even worse, an obliging toy who will let him has his ways and obeys his commands and orders, allowing him to turn me into someone he thinks is conventionally accepted in the society. Yes, I was not a very pretty girl, or should I say, I was just plain. And I was much unlike the other ladies of my age, ever ready to turn on their men, with tight outfits that exposed their curves. Much worse, I was even smarter in school than Amon. I topped the level every year and was granted the scholarship to finish the last 2 years of my studies.
I didn't realize Amon wasn't please at all with what I really am, and that he failed to transform me. It was very soon when he got tired of seeing me outsmart him in many occasions during formal events. He started not bringing me along when he attended parties, accusing me for purposefully embarrassing him by emphasizing his ignorance in many fields of conversations. I knew it never cross my mind to embarrass him; instead, I always wanted him to be proud of who I am, not just another unsophisticated bimbo.
"Makino." I was awaked by Tsukasa gentle whispering. I am now on a Ferris Wheel, which is my Dad's favorite ride in the amusement park. It makes me feel as if I am God, looking down on the world and choosing what ought to be done. I almost thought I heard Dad speaking to me. "What do you want to choose to do then?" I always asked the same question. And Dad always gives me the same answer, "To see that you are always happy." I let myself fell into Tsukasa's arms and sobbed silently in his embrace. Dad, I will get our home back, I will.
"Goodnight, Makino." Tsukasa placed his lips onto the crown of my head. I looked at him in the eyes. I don't want to be left alone tonight. I knew the missing of Dad will haunt me through the night and I will really need someone to be with me. "Makino? You want to tell me something?" Tsukasa leaned his shoulders close to mine and I could hear his irregular breathing.
"Can you stay for the night?" I tucked at his sleeves. He trembled. He knew I wasn't ready for any serious relationship yet. He knew I was hiding something from everyone else. He knew one day he can make me tell him what thoughts were running in my mind when I was in a daze. But he also know that, he couldn't always guessed my thoughts accurately. He looked at me for an answer. I smiled and held on to his neck letting my lips meet his. "I need someone to cuddle in bed tonight" I grinned cheekily so that he would not misunderstand my motive.
I could see the twitch at the corner of his lips. Did I see wrongly or is he really holding back a grin? I knew Tsukasa would not reject my offer.
Soon, Tsukasa tucked himself in bed next to me. It had been some years since I last been able to hear the heartbeats of a man this near. I recalled that night I was kicked out of Amon's house simply because I refused to be touched by him.
That was a rare rainy night. It shouldn't have rained in that quarter of the year. Hence, I was made to believe that God was crying for me.
It had been a few weeks since I last saw Amon. He had made me believed that he postponed our wedding was his father's idea. And that his father did not quite like the way I was pushing myself around the house. I did not quite remember myself ever doing what his father accused of me. I could only remember myself being cast off by even the servants as a parasite who eyed the family's inheritance badly. I was not interested in their money. I was able to earn my way through to get my house back. I knew it was time for me to leave. I packed my luggage and waited for Amon to be home so I could break the news to him. I intended to leave the very next morning.
He was very drunk that night. He got home drenched to the skin with a stink in his breath which smelled like thrown up. I stopped along the corridor and he dragged into my room. He pushed me onto the bed and thrown himself on top of me. I struggled. It was not because I do not love him, but that other than smelling of alcohol, he also smelled of some branded flora perfume. Many a time, I eavesdropped at what was going on in Amon's room through the night for the past few weeks. I knew he was fooling around openly but I excused him for my incompetence in pleasuring my own fiancé. But there was no way for him to treat me like some whores who could be thrown onto anytime he pleases.
I kicked at him and pushed him off bed. He snared like an animal, unsatisfied. I knew that was it. Before I could gain my integrity by picking up my luggage and leave on my own, he dragged me by my hair and pushed me out into the rain. He then emptied my luggage piece by piece down from the window. I did not cry. I tugged my luggage under my arms and ran to my aunty's house.
As expected, I wasn't welcomed. Much worse, they were talking behind my back about how impotent I was in satisfying my man. Still I did not cry. That night, I wrote a letter to Soujirou who was then my best and only friend, telling him I will be on my way in search of my own happiness. Before dawn I was on my way to a nearby town, where I was adopted by the school mistress and trained under her.
"Makino.are you crying?" Tsukasa hold my waist in his huge palms. He did not know what was in my mind. But he knew, it was something which had made me who I am now, an unhappy person, always doubtful of what others can bring me. He held me closer and put his face on mine, feeling my warm tears. He could only do all these; he had never felt so helpless before.
I was too absorbed in my memories to realize how miserable I had made Tsukasa by not responding to his concerns. But I could feel the smell of him lingering around every bit of my body. I could hear my heartbeat pounds faster than it ever have been, faster than even during my happiest times with Amon when we were still in college.
The school mistress treated me like her dear daughter and educated me to be able to teach foreign language(English). But that wasn't the end of the story. Amon's influence was greater than I expected it to be. I had only managed to teach for two years before the rumors reached the ears of the school mistress and the parents. I was labeled as the incapable and abandoned fiancée of Kunisawa Amon. I did not want to make it difficult for the school mistress as she was a kind old lady who had done me enough good.
I started to arrange for a teaching position in this town which was much further away from the first two towns. In barely two days, I got myself a one way ticket and respond from the school. I wrote another letter to Soujirou telling him that I will be on my way again. On the third day, I was on my way to my next destination.
"Tsukasa..do you like me?" I murmured. I knew the answer, but I will still very much hear it for myself. "Yes. Much more than I expect myself to be." Tsukasa held me tighter.
"Tsukasa.." I heard him breathed deeply. "Tell me when you are ready." Tsukasa muttered. He had never wanted her to rush into making her decisions. He had all the time for her to think it through. "But..why me? Of all people, why me?" I looked up at him. He was just an inch away from me. I could feel his chest on my palm, the faint smell of his scents. Tsukasa kissed my tearful eyes gently and brushed the fling away from my forehead.
"I don't know why too. But I know it has to be you." I burst into tears and hid my face under his arms. His warmth soothed my helplessness and brought me a sense of neediness. He tugged me tighter into his embrace. Very soon, I fell into a deep sleep with a smile on my face.
Tsukasa knew I wasn't paying attention to him. He frowned a little and tipped my chin to meet my eyes. "Is anything troubling you?" I shook my head. "Why don't we visit the amusement park after dinner tonight?" I suggested. It wasn't meant to annoy Tsukasa because it never occurred to me that Tsukasa dislikes the amusement park.
It had always been a place every child enjoys visiting. The place I came from, was rather far away from the major functioning town. But Dad always makes it a deal that he will bring me to the town's little but luxurious amusement park every year on my birthday. But things started to change when I was fifteen.
I could still remember the look of dad when I got home that day. It was my birthday and I dashed past the living room and aimed for my bedroom, trying to get ready as soon as possible to be able to set off with dad to my amusement park.
I got into my favorite pink dress and skipped into the kitchen where Dad always had a cake ready. However, there was no cake. Dad was sitting in the kitchen in a daze. He hasn't changed into his suit yet.
When he saw me, he smiled and said, "Honey, I am sorry. We can't have any cake this year. But, I got you a blueberry muffin." I hugged Dad and kissed him. It is okay, I thought. I can go without a cake. I realized Dad was weeping silently. I hugged him even tighter. I knew something is wrong. But I didn't know what is wrong. I only know, I don't want to go to the amusement park today.
I cut the muffin into two and gave the bigger piece to Dad. He smiled and patted my head. "Honey, once I get dress, we go to the amusement park." I shook my head. "I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you. We can play with the doll house." I could see that Dad was closed to tearing again.
"Honey, I want to keep my promise, as much as I can." Dad held on to my hands. I felt his heart go weak. I knew this is the last time I could go with Dad. I looked away, not wanting to let Dad see the tears in my eyes.
We spent our happiest time in the amusement park that day. That night became the saddest moment of my life too. Dad shot himself in the head after he tucked me into bed. He never did close his eyes. I could never forget the way he looked. He could not bear to leave me but he had to. There was simply no way out.
A few days later, our lawyer came and I was made to sign some papers which I hardly understand. But I knew, it will mean, that the house had to go to the mayor. It was only later when I realized, Dad was made to sign some papers some months back too. I did not quite understand what papers could he had signed but my aunty who took me in, told me Dad went heavily in debt after he decided that he wanted to send me to the best college in the region.
And so, I was blamed for Dad's death. My Dad's only sister, who were no richer than we were, took me in and was then responsible for my future education. At first, she was fairly nice to me, thinking that I would share the savings Dad put aside for my education. When she realized I was leaving for the college in a couple of weeks, she drove me into the barn where I spent the rest of my nights before the arranged carriage came.
I was certain that once I graduated from a well-known college and gotten enough education to realize what were the papers Dad had signed, maybe I could get the house back. I even wrote to the mayor before I left, daring him that I would be back for the house.
But things didn't happen as I wanted it to. I did graduate from the college. And I even got together with Amon, the only son of the wealthiest merchant in town. Nobody could recognize me when I returned to my hometown. However, little did I know, Amon had only been treating me as just another toy of his. What could be even worse, an obliging toy who will let him has his ways and obeys his commands and orders, allowing him to turn me into someone he thinks is conventionally accepted in the society. Yes, I was not a very pretty girl, or should I say, I was just plain. And I was much unlike the other ladies of my age, ever ready to turn on their men, with tight outfits that exposed their curves. Much worse, I was even smarter in school than Amon. I topped the level every year and was granted the scholarship to finish the last 2 years of my studies.
I didn't realize Amon wasn't please at all with what I really am, and that he failed to transform me. It was very soon when he got tired of seeing me outsmart him in many occasions during formal events. He started not bringing me along when he attended parties, accusing me for purposefully embarrassing him by emphasizing his ignorance in many fields of conversations. I knew it never cross my mind to embarrass him; instead, I always wanted him to be proud of who I am, not just another unsophisticated bimbo.
"Makino." I was awaked by Tsukasa gentle whispering. I am now on a Ferris Wheel, which is my Dad's favorite ride in the amusement park. It makes me feel as if I am God, looking down on the world and choosing what ought to be done. I almost thought I heard Dad speaking to me. "What do you want to choose to do then?" I always asked the same question. And Dad always gives me the same answer, "To see that you are always happy." I let myself fell into Tsukasa's arms and sobbed silently in his embrace. Dad, I will get our home back, I will.
"Goodnight, Makino." Tsukasa placed his lips onto the crown of my head. I looked at him in the eyes. I don't want to be left alone tonight. I knew the missing of Dad will haunt me through the night and I will really need someone to be with me. "Makino? You want to tell me something?" Tsukasa leaned his shoulders close to mine and I could hear his irregular breathing.
"Can you stay for the night?" I tucked at his sleeves. He trembled. He knew I wasn't ready for any serious relationship yet. He knew I was hiding something from everyone else. He knew one day he can make me tell him what thoughts were running in my mind when I was in a daze. But he also know that, he couldn't always guessed my thoughts accurately. He looked at me for an answer. I smiled and held on to his neck letting my lips meet his. "I need someone to cuddle in bed tonight" I grinned cheekily so that he would not misunderstand my motive.
I could see the twitch at the corner of his lips. Did I see wrongly or is he really holding back a grin? I knew Tsukasa would not reject my offer.
Soon, Tsukasa tucked himself in bed next to me. It had been some years since I last been able to hear the heartbeats of a man this near. I recalled that night I was kicked out of Amon's house simply because I refused to be touched by him.
That was a rare rainy night. It shouldn't have rained in that quarter of the year. Hence, I was made to believe that God was crying for me.
It had been a few weeks since I last saw Amon. He had made me believed that he postponed our wedding was his father's idea. And that his father did not quite like the way I was pushing myself around the house. I did not quite remember myself ever doing what his father accused of me. I could only remember myself being cast off by even the servants as a parasite who eyed the family's inheritance badly. I was not interested in their money. I was able to earn my way through to get my house back. I knew it was time for me to leave. I packed my luggage and waited for Amon to be home so I could break the news to him. I intended to leave the very next morning.
He was very drunk that night. He got home drenched to the skin with a stink in his breath which smelled like thrown up. I stopped along the corridor and he dragged into my room. He pushed me onto the bed and thrown himself on top of me. I struggled. It was not because I do not love him, but that other than smelling of alcohol, he also smelled of some branded flora perfume. Many a time, I eavesdropped at what was going on in Amon's room through the night for the past few weeks. I knew he was fooling around openly but I excused him for my incompetence in pleasuring my own fiancé. But there was no way for him to treat me like some whores who could be thrown onto anytime he pleases.
I kicked at him and pushed him off bed. He snared like an animal, unsatisfied. I knew that was it. Before I could gain my integrity by picking up my luggage and leave on my own, he dragged me by my hair and pushed me out into the rain. He then emptied my luggage piece by piece down from the window. I did not cry. I tugged my luggage under my arms and ran to my aunty's house.
As expected, I wasn't welcomed. Much worse, they were talking behind my back about how impotent I was in satisfying my man. Still I did not cry. That night, I wrote a letter to Soujirou who was then my best and only friend, telling him I will be on my way in search of my own happiness. Before dawn I was on my way to a nearby town, where I was adopted by the school mistress and trained under her.
"Makino.are you crying?" Tsukasa hold my waist in his huge palms. He did not know what was in my mind. But he knew, it was something which had made me who I am now, an unhappy person, always doubtful of what others can bring me. He held me closer and put his face on mine, feeling my warm tears. He could only do all these; he had never felt so helpless before.
I was too absorbed in my memories to realize how miserable I had made Tsukasa by not responding to his concerns. But I could feel the smell of him lingering around every bit of my body. I could hear my heartbeat pounds faster than it ever have been, faster than even during my happiest times with Amon when we were still in college.
The school mistress treated me like her dear daughter and educated me to be able to teach foreign language(English). But that wasn't the end of the story. Amon's influence was greater than I expected it to be. I had only managed to teach for two years before the rumors reached the ears of the school mistress and the parents. I was labeled as the incapable and abandoned fiancée of Kunisawa Amon. I did not want to make it difficult for the school mistress as she was a kind old lady who had done me enough good.
I started to arrange for a teaching position in this town which was much further away from the first two towns. In barely two days, I got myself a one way ticket and respond from the school. I wrote another letter to Soujirou telling him that I will be on my way again. On the third day, I was on my way to my next destination.
"Tsukasa..do you like me?" I murmured. I knew the answer, but I will still very much hear it for myself. "Yes. Much more than I expect myself to be." Tsukasa held me tighter.
"Tsukasa.." I heard him breathed deeply. "Tell me when you are ready." Tsukasa muttered. He had never wanted her to rush into making her decisions. He had all the time for her to think it through. "But..why me? Of all people, why me?" I looked up at him. He was just an inch away from me. I could feel his chest on my palm, the faint smell of his scents. Tsukasa kissed my tearful eyes gently and brushed the fling away from my forehead.
"I don't know why too. But I know it has to be you." I burst into tears and hid my face under his arms. His warmth soothed my helplessness and brought me a sense of neediness. He tugged me tighter into his embrace. Very soon, I fell into a deep sleep with a smile on my face.