My Last Breath
Disclaimer: characters belong to the literary wonder that is JK Rowling ('wonder' from the critical perspective of one who has an A grade in A-Level English Lit). I think I can claim Sorrelle for my own.
A/N: 14/5/05 song lyrics removed from body of text
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Eight-year-old Severus Snape clung tightly to his mother, uncaring as to the tears that fell relentlessly down his pale face. These were her last days. Leukaemia was stealing her away from him and would never return her.
"Sevvie love?"
He jerked his dark head upwards, startled by his mother's whispered words. "W – what is it, Mother?"
"Drop the formalities, for God's sake," scolded his mother gently, her voice weak and faint. "I – I need to tell you. All I need you to know is that … I – I love you …" Her voice was fading and she leaned back against the stack of pillows that were keeping her in an upright position, allowing her to breathe more easily. "I'm not afraid of dying, Sevvie love. Not any more … Can you still hear me?"
Severus nodded, curling tightly up against his mother and resting his head on her shoulder. His father, he knew, was out, probably drinking in a grotty pub in a rough area somewhere. His older sister, Sorrelle, was away at school, having just started her second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
"You know it won't be long now, Sevvie."
Severus nodded reluctantly, but did not loosen his grip. He felt his mother's thin, weak arms wrap around him, holding him close to her – an action which served only to make him cry harder.
His mother reached up and slowly, delicately, stroked his black hair comfortingly. "I'll always have my memories of you, Sevvie. Nobody can take those away. They're safe, within me. As should be your memories of me." She closed her eyes, clearly tired. This only hurt Severus further; he didn't want his mother to die. He needed her. She was the only one who had ever showed him any affection, and now she was being taken away from him forever.
Her eyes fluttered open again, though they now bore a slightly glazed, unfocused look. "I'm going to miss winter, Sevvie. My favourite season and I won't be here long enough to see it for one final time." She wore a sad, wistful expression on her thin, white, ravaged face, and her voice was barely audible now. "When you die, Sevvie love – which I pray won't be until you're very old – come and find me." She paused, taking several deep, ragged breaths.
"Where?" asked Severus, turning dark eyes to his mother.
"The forest I told you about. The one enveloped in eternal winter. Snow on the ground and on the trees, crunching underfoot. Cold, fresh, clean air to breathe. Sunlight in a pale blue sky. The forest I told you that I would live in when I leave this world."
Severus remembered. He loved that forest. His mother had told him every last detail about it and, even though he had little fantastical imagination, he could see it clearly in his mind's eye. It was, in his view, beautiful.
"There's a hollow tree there. I'm going to make it into a home. It'll be our haven, remember? You and I; nobody else apart from any family you have in the future. You'll find it. Look for me."
Severus nodded, his tears falling onto his mother's skeletal hand. She reached up to his face and slowly, gently, wiped the tears away. The pain of the action was etched clearly on her face. She knew that her son had heard her words, and also that he would find her when his own life ended.
"Sevvie love, can you please move? I – I'm having trouble breathing."
Severus looked up at his mother in alarm. Her breathing had become louder, harsher, than before, in a way that he had never heard before. He adjusted his position, choking back a sob. He knew that she would soon be gone, and it was almost too much for the eight-year-old to bear. "I – I won't forget you, Mutti," he promised through his tears, using his early childhood name for his mother, whose own mother had been German.
"Good," replied his mother, and the two exchanged sad smiles.
His mother closed her eyes again, her breathing growing steadily more shallow, becoming harder and harder for Severus to stand. He was completely terrified; he didn't want her to go yet. He wasn't ready. He buried his face in his mother's shoulder, desperately praying that she would stay with him, that he wouldn't lose her.
She, too, was praying, to whoever would listen to her. Praying that she could stay to protect her son from his father. Praying that she could remain, at least in dreams, even if they weren't her own. She knew that in the weeks and months to come, her son would wake from sleep and rush into her room, stopping only once he realised the truth – that she was no longer there. She wished with all her heart that things hadn't turned out this way. She knew the complete devastation that her son would feel. She and her daughter had never been particularly close (Sorrelle much preferred her own company), but she and her son shared a tight bond that only death was capable of breaking – as it was doing so now. Looking at her weeping son only broke her heart further than ever.
She forced her eyes open again, knowing in her heart that it would be the last time that she ever did so. "Sevvie?"
Severus looked up. "M – M – Mutti?"
"Don't be afraid, Sevvie love. Please. I – I'm saying goodnight. Can you do that as well?"
"But I always do. You never ask me." He was confused, bewildered, not understanding.
"Please, Sevvie love. For me. One last time."
And then he understood. His face showed this, and the pain so visible on it hurt his mother deeply. "Please don't be afraid, Sevvie love. I'm not. Not any more. The hollow tree in the white forest, remember? Look for me. I'll be there."
Severus nodded, unable to speak.
She smiled. "Give me a cuddle, Sevvie love. Goodnight." She drew him into a hug and lightly kissed his forehead
"G – g- goodnight, Mutti. I – I – I love you," Severus whispered.
"I love you too, Sevvie love."
Her eyes closed for the final time, drifting off as her son faded to black in her mind as it shut down forever, while her son called desperately to her. "Mutti! Come back! Don't leave me! Please! Please, Mutti!"
But it was futile. She was lost. Severus watched her chest rise and fall for the last ever time, then lay down beside her still form, crying desperately, inconsolably, devastated and broken. He was motherless. His one light was gone forever.
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