Imposible Choices
Chapter 5 - Ifs
After much badgering Steve had persuaded Mark to go home. He was grateful for the reprieve of the constant scrutiny of his father's eyes. He needed this time alone to try and bring his jumbled thoughts and emotions into some sense of order. The constant hovering of his father, Jesse and Amanda had become more difficult to endure with each passing moment. He didn't want nor deserve their reassurances. They had talked endlessly about how he had no other choice. In his mind there always had to be another choice. His thoughts were filled with the word "if". If I hadn't overslept we would have gotten there earlier and maybe prevented the entire situation. Michael Rayburn and his unborn son might both still be alive. If I hadn't been preoccupied with Mr. Rayburn's body I might have seen her sooner and reacted more quickly. If his dad has stayed on the front porch like he asked him to he wouldn't have been in harms way. If Child Protective Services had picked up Kendra she wouldn't have been caught up in the middle of another violent crime. If he had asked Cheryl to meet him there instead of sending her off on another task. If he had talked to the neighbor sooner he would have known Mrs. Rayburn lied. Steve knew with a crystal clear certainty that he had blown this case. Three people were dead a mother was in all likelihood insane and a young girl was probably scarred for life. His thoughts turned once again to the baby. The child that could have been. Well you certainly took care of that didn't you, Lt. Sloan. I wonder what Kevin will have to say to you next time he shows up in your dreams. With that final thought Steve's tortured mind could take no more and promptly shut down.
He didn't know how long he lay there his face void of any expression. A slight sound at the door caught his attention and he turned his head to see Cheryl standing there.
"Hey, partner."
With a look that was as dark as a moonless night Steve responded, "Hey."
"Feel up to talking?" she inquired.
He nodded yes even though the sigh that escaped his body indicated no. For the first time Cheryl was uncomfortable in Steve's presence. She had thought that impossible. From the first day they met she had felt an instant rapport with him and they worked seamlessly as partners. She had his back and he had hers. She trusted him above all others. Now she found herself unsure of how to proceed.
"Steve, I would wait on this but the District Attorney is trying to decide how to proceed with the case against Mrs. Rayburn and he wants your statement before he makes that decision. I have already got your father's statement. With the help of a therapist I talked with Kendra. I just need yours."
Steve nodded his understanding. "I know, Cheryl. It's fine. Have they done an evaluation on Mrs. Rayburn yet?"
"Yes, she obviously has some mental issues. How severe they are remains to be seen. I think her problems go back a long way. She had a huge amount of resentment towards her husband. She blamed him for ruining her career. She never wanted to be a homemaker but he apparently insisted after Kevin was born. He felt that a mother's place was at home taking care of the kids, cleaning the house and fixing dinner. Since he was gone so much she shifted her resentment to Kevin and he became the target for her anger. I think Michael Rayburn's parents suspected Kevin was being abused but Michael denied it when they asked him about it. Kendra seems to have escaped her wrath because as a girl she was a kindred spirit in her mother's eyes."
As Cheryl mentioned Kendra's name again her last words to him echoed in his ears. "You shot my Mommy." With a shake of his head as if to clear that small voice from his memory he looked at Cheryl and asked, "What about Kendra? Do they think she is going to be ok?"
"They aren't sure, Steve. She watched her Mother slit her brother's throat and then a little less than two days later she saw her Mother shoot her father between the eyes. I don't know many adults who could handle that much less a 7 year old child."
"Point taken," he conceded. "Let's get this over with Cheryl."
"You're sure?" she asked with compassion in her eyes.
"It's not going to get any easier and I would just as soon not have my dad here while we go through this."
Cheryl nodded her agreement and flipped open her notebook. As Steve described the events of the previous morning Cheryl felt her throat tighten with emotion. She couldn't imagine ever being in a more difficult situation. As long as Steve's safety had been the only one in question she knew he would never have fired the shot. When his father or someone like Kendra were at risk his instincts would have forced him to act. As he continued his tragic tale Cheryl couldn't help but notice the brightness in his eyes that betrayed the emotions he was trying so desperately to control. With a deeply drawn breath that caused a grimace to cross his face as it pulled at his wounds he concluded his report.
"So there you have it. All of the gory details of how I single handedly destroyed an entire family."
"Steve, you are being very unfair to yourself. You had no good options. Would you have felt any better if she had shot your father or Kendra?"
"No," he sighed. "It's not just the fact that I shot her, Cheryl. It's the way I botched this investigation from the beginning. I should have talked to the neighbors that day. I should have pursued the parents as suspects and investigated them further. I would have found out she had problems."
"Steve, that is speculation. You don't know how things would have progressed. You know the old saying hindsight is 20/20. You followed the leads like you always do. You identified the murderer it just happened to be….."
"Too late," Steve bitterly interrupted.
"That's not what I was going to say. Look, Steve you, won't do anybody any good if you continue to beat yourself up over this. The woman is nuts. I mean she slit her own son's throat just because he asked about dinner. Do you really think you are a match for that kind of insanity?"
"Cheryl, I can deal with that. Logically I know I couldn't have prevented Kevin's death. I could however have prevented the deaths of Michael Rayburn and the baby. I could have spared Kendra the trauma of witnessing her father being shot."
Cheryl realizing that they were beginning to talk in circles and seeing the lines of fatigue starting to deepen around Steve's eyes decided to end the visit. "Steve, you are one of the best cops I know. I trust you with my life. I am glad you are my partner because you are able to make decisions like you made in the Rayburn's living room. Remember that. I'll stop back by tomorrow to check on you."
Steve smiled slightly. "Thanks, Cheryl. I'll talk to you later."
As Cheryl turned to leave she nearly collided with Mark as he entered his son's room. "Dr Sloan, I was just on my way out." With a last glance at Steve she waved her goodbyes.
"Steve?"
"Yeah, Dad."
"Did Cheryl take your statement?"
"Yeah. I'm pretty tired, Dad. I think I would like to rest for awhile. Ok?"
With a gentle pat to his son's arm Mark indicated his understanding. He then settled into the chair by the bed to watch his son sleep.