Impossible Choices
Chapter 6 - Going Home
Mark sat in the darkened room contemplating the events that had brought him here. Steve had done the right thing the only thing he could have done. If only he could get him to see that. He had woken sporadically during the day but had been less then communicative. Even visits by Jesse and Amanda had not lightened his mood. He seemed intent on sinking deeper into his self-imposed prison. Steve had made him promise that he would go home tonight but he was finding it difficult to leave. Realizing that he was just delaying the inevitable Mark rose and moved towards the bed.
"Steve?" he gently questioned.
Steve turned his head and looked at his father.
"Are you sure you want me to go home? I can just as easily stay here."
Steve shook his head. "Dad, you're tired. Go home sleep in your own bed. I'll be fine. It's not like I'm going anywhere."
"You'll have one of the nurses call me if you need anything?" Mark asked hesitantly.
Trying to sound reassuring Steve said, "I'll be fine and I'll rest much easier knowing your home getting some much needed rest."
Mark hesitated before reaching out to slightly caress Steve's cheek. Things had been much easier when the man before him had been a boy. A loving touch and kind words were able to soothe most all of his wounds. Things were different now. Neither a loving touch from his father or all the words of comfort he could offer would heal this wound. He could only hope that time would be the miracle cure. "Goodnight, Son. Sleep well and I will see you in the morning."
"Goodnight, Dad, and don't worry about me I'll be fine."
With one last look Mark left the room to head home. Home. His thoughts hung on that word. The one thing that made it a home, Steve, wouldn't be there, and without his presence, he would just be entering a house.
Left alone again with only his thoughts for company, Steve wanted desperately to be able to sleep. In sleep he might get some small reprieve from the images that haunted him. His mind seemed to be like a projector stuck in a loop. Images of Kevin, Kendra, Michael and Sharon Rayburn and, most disturbingly, a faceless baby seemed to flicker through his mind at regular intervals. He felt a presence beside his bed and turned to find Amanda looking down at him.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Hi," Steve responded. "Shouldn't you be home with the boys?"
"The boys are fine. I'm more concerned about you."
"Amanda," he started to respond and then stopped.
Amanda cocked her head to one side and arched an eyebrow at him. "You were saying?"
He began again. "Amanda, I will be ok. I'm just …" he trailed off unable to complete the sentence.
"You're just what Steve? Human? You were placed in a position that no one should have to deal with. No matter what decision you made someone was going to get hurt. Do you think it would have been any easier if you had allowed your father or Kendra to have been shot?"
Steve couldn't prevent the anger that tinged his voice. "Amanda, I really don't want to talk about this anymore tonight. I just want to go to sleep."
Realizing that if she upset him too much he would be unable to rest Amanda relented. Leaning in she gently touched her lips against his cheek. "Steve, please don't shut us out. We love you and only want to help. I'll be back tomorrow. Please try and get some rest."
"Goodnight, Amanda."
Steve focused on a spot on the far wall and willed his mind and body to cease their activity. Though it took a little time he gradually began to relax until sleep overcame him. As had become the norm for his sleeping, he was rudely awakened by Kevin Rayburn, but this time Kevin had brought a friend. In his arms wrapped in a small blanket was a child. Steve strained to make out the face but as Kevin pulled the blanket back from the baby's head Steve saw that the baby had no face. In its place was vast blackness. At this point Steve once again jerked awake. As his eyes focused in the dim light of the hospital room, Steve had to admit the kid was prompt. The clock on the wall said 4:30am. The bed suddenly felt very small and Steve felt like it was closing in on him. He slid to the side and placed his feet flat on the floor. With a concentrated effort he pushed himself to an upright position. A wave of dizziness caused him to momentarily sway. His natural balance then kicked in and he took one small cautious step towards the recliner in the corner of the room. Each step sapped his limited reserves and by the time he reached the chair he was weak in the knees and panting slightly. He more collapsed then sat in the chair. He remembered that after he had moved to the couch after the last dream he had been able to sleep. Maybe the change of scenery would once again have the same affect.
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When Jesse pushed open the door of Steve's room the next morning, he momentarily panicked when his eyes fell upon the empty bed. His visual search of the rest of the room revealed the location of his patient. Steve was slouched in the chair his head hanging towards his good shoulder. Steve's right arm hung loosely by the side of the chair. Jesse grimaced. When Steve lifted his arm back up the increased blood flow back to his wounded arm and shoulder was going to be excruciating. Moving quietly so as not to startle his patient Jesse walked towards him and then softly whispered his name, "Steve?" When he got no response he reached out and touched Steve lightly on the shoulder. "Steve?"
Steve moaned and moved slightly. Without opening his eyes he voiced a question. "What do you want Jesse?"
"I'm wondering why you're sleeping in the chair? I'm wondering why you got out of the bed without assistance?"
Steve opened his eyes and through the blurry mist saw the concerned face of his best friend. "I just wasn't comfortable in the bed."
"Any particular reason?" Jesse inquired.
"No none that I want to talk about," Steve replied shortly.
Deciding to let it slide for the moment, Jesse continued his visual examination of his reluctant patient. He looked tired but didn't appear to be in any pain. "I was thinking about sending you home today. Are you up for that?
Steve shifted in the chair and raised his right arm up and rested it in his lap. Jesse's silent prediction came rapidly true. Steve grimaced as the increased blood flow in his arm caused pin pricks of pain to begin spreading through his injured arm and shoulder.
Jesse noticed the grimace of pain but instinctively knew sympathy would not be accepted right now. Instead he voiced his question again. "Do you feel well enough to go home today?"
Steve shrugged slightly. "That's fine, Jesse." He responded less than enthusiastically.
"You know, Steve, most people get excited when they get to leave the hospital," Jesse responded playfully.
Steve quirked a slight smile at him.
Well that's a little encouraging, Jesse thought to himself. "How about you get back in the bed so I can check things out and if they look good I'll get you released?" Jesse inquired.
Steve nodded and shakily made his way to his feet. Jesse reached out a hand to steady him and kept the hand in place as they moved towards the bed. Steve sat down heavily and leaned back against the pillows. His breath came in short gasps as he fought to regain his composure.
Jesse waited and silently timed how long it took Steve to recover from the short journey. Satisfied that the time needed was normal he leaned forward and gently slid Steve's hospital gown off his shoulders and began to examine the wounds. "These look pretty good. I don't see any reason we can't get you home. When is your dad coming back?"
"He didn't really say," Steve responded. "I told him not to hurry, he needed the sleep."
Jesse nodded his agreement. "Good advice. I'll get the paperwork started and if he's not here by then I'll take you home."
"Jesse, that's not necessary. Dad will be here and I can wait till then. I'm in no hurry to get home."
"Well that's a first," Jesse teased gently.
A sound from the door caught the attention of both of them and they turned to see Mark entering the room.
"Hey, Mark," Jesse greeted.
Mark smiled a greeting. "How's the patient?" Mark's question was directed at Jesse but his eyes were firmly fastened on his son.
As Jesse began to update Mark on Steve's condition Steve covertly observed his father. He still looked tired but a trace of the normal sparkle that filled his eyes was back. He contemplated what his life would have been like if he had allowed Sharon Rayburn to harm him. A large void would have been left in his life. He knew that due to the natural progression of life his father would probably predecease him. Though his grief would be great he could handle that. To have his father's death occur as a direct result of Steve's actions was too overwhelming to contemplate any further. Steve suddenly became aware that the conversation in the room had stopped. He looked up to find himself the object of two intent gazes. Despite his rather morose thoughts Steve couldn't stop the smile that spread across his features. They both wore the same expression. It was a mixture of medical curiosity, apprehension and deep affection. He really was in spite of all that had happened recently incredibly blessed. The warmth of that brief feeling was quickly banished by a small voice that said "I wasn't blessed and neither was my brother." The voice was accompanied by the image of Kevin Rayburn and his faceless baby brother.
The abruptness of Steve's change in demeanor did not go unnoticed by his rapt audience. Mark moved forward and rested his hand on the bed in close proximity to his son's hand. "You ready to go home, Son?"
"Sure, Dad," came the rather subdued response.
"Do you want me to help you get into your clothes?" Jesse inquired.
Steve shook his head. "No, why don't you guys go grab some coffee and I'll be ready when you get back."
Both Jesse and Mark knew it would be difficult for Steve to dress and were hesitant to leave. Steve's sudden rather abrupt departure from the bed and his rather awkward gait as he made his way to the bathroom made his intentions clear. Reluctantly the two doctors left the room.