Wow! Thanks everyone who reviewed that last chapter - it really meant a lot
to me
This is the penultimate chapter - not the end! Not the end!
So here it is
I sat in shock for twenty minute before deciding I should go check Harry hadn't thrown himself out of a window.
And if at the same time he happened to mention what the 'lo' word had been then that was only an added bonus.
It wasn't as if I was going all the way up the stairs just to find out if he was in love with me . . . or at least I liked to believe I wasn't.
"Can I come in?" I stood hesitantly at the threshold to Harry's room, staring at the closed door.
Silence answered me.
"'Harry?" I knocked impatiently. "Can I come in?" Bloody git- he was ignoring me. "Harry, will you open this bloody door?"
I rolled my eyes- why was he being so stubborn?
"If you don't open this door within the next five seconds. . . " I trailed off realising that there was actually nothing I could do. Oh, why couldn't I just give up?
Unfortunately I knew the answer to that - if I wanted to know then I had to go in . . .
Unless of course he wanted to come out.
And there was that damn phrase again!
"Go away!" Harry called, his voice muffled, as though it was buried in a pillow.
"Give me one good reason why I should."
"Because I'd like to die of embarrassment by myself."
I snorted. "Nonsense- you're a Gryffindor, you can't do anything by yourself!"
There was an impatient sigh and the door was flung open. "Do you not even have the decency to let me suffer without an audience?" Harry snapped.
"Decency? Me? Come now Harry what do you think I am, a Hufflepuff?" I tilted my head slightly to the side. "Now are you going to let me in?"
With narrowed eyes he swung the door open and let me past.
"You know, this is the first time I've ever come in here." I remarked, surveying the hunter green walls and the checked bedspread.
"You've lived here for two months and you've never been in my bedroom?" Harry asked, a skeptical expression on his face.
"Yeah." I opened a draw and peered inside.
Harry cocked an eyebrow at my nosiness. "What do you think?"
I looked at him intently. "It's you."
"Actually it's my *room*." he corrected me with an impish smile, settling back on his bed.
"Shut up- you know what I mean."
"Yeah . . . I do."
The look in his eyes reminded me why I was there. "Harry . . . " I started, my tone serious.
"I don't want to talk about it." he said firmly.
"Ok." I said softly, wondering why I was accepting that when I definitely wanted to talk about it.
He pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it, sighing slightly. I stared at the walls, trying desperately to think of something to say to change the subject. "So do you always decorate to colour coordinate with your eyes?" I asked with a smirk.
"No." Harry looked round languidly. "Sometimes I decorate to colour coordinate with *your* eyes." he smirked slightly. I blinked. Was he flirting?
"Why? What colour are my eyes then?"
"Beautiful."
Definitely flirting.
"That's not a colour." I objected, a slightly nervous tone in my voice.
"Well, it should be."
I opened my mouth and then closed it again, completely unsure of what I should do. I wasn't used to not being in control and it was confusing me greatly.
"Er . . . okay then." I knew there was a reason I never came into his bedroom. I backed away towards the door. "I'm just going to . . . go." Wow, I sounded like an idiot.
"You do that." Harry agreed, humour crossing his face as he realised he'd somehow turned this situation completely around.
"Bye, then." I quickly stepped out of the room, closing the door behind me.
Talk about a shift of power - how the hell had he done that? That was the thing about Harry - every time I thought I had him figured out, he did something that made me realise that he hadn't shown me half of who he really was.
***
"Do we have to watch this?" Harry moaned.
"Of course." I kept my eyes glued to Friends.
"But why? It's a load of-"
I gave him a warning look.
"Fine." he sighed. Happily, I turned back to the TV. "Draco." Harry sounded terrified.
"What?" I asked distractedly.
"Your cat's walking towards me." I looked over and stifled a grin, watching with great interest.
"I always find it peculiar that Voldemort, the most powerful murderous killer who ever existed, didn't scare you, yet my cat does."
"Yeah well," Harry said through gritted teeth, "Voldemort didn't have claws and a tail."
"As far as you know." I muttered. Harry attempted a weak smile at Crucio, who tipped his head to one side slightly and looked long and hard at Harry.
Harry swallowed nervously and didn't move an inch.
I looked curiously at the interaction, finding it more than vaguely entertaining. In one sudden move, Crucio jumped on top of Harry.
"Ahhh!" Harry yelled.
I almost died of suffocation due to laughter. "Draco, your cat's trying to- " he paused realising that Crucio was in fact settling down to sleep on his knee.
"To use you as a pillow?" I asked innocently. The look of utter shock on his face was priceless.
"It didn't kill me." he said in surprise.
"No, *he* didn't." I really got fed up of Harry treating Crucio like an inanimate object.
"I don't get it."
"Shouldn't you just be grateful that he didn't shred you?" I suggested.
"He still might." Harry muttered darkly.
"No he won't, will you Crucio?" I said fondly.
'I wouldn't bet on it' was the returned stare of my cat.
Hoping Harry couldn't interpret the stares of my cat I turned to him with a bright smile. "See?"
"I don't believe you." Harry said stubbornly (luckily for his safety - I really couldn't say how long Crucio's generous phase was going to last).
Crucio gave Harry a disdainful look and moved from his lap into my own. Well, at least that took away the risk of Harry being torn to shreds.
"I think I'm going to go get some work done." Harry stood gingerly as though that was going to incite Crucio to attack.
"Have fun." I smiled, trying to stop myself of thinking of ways to torture Harry with the new information I'd learned about his feelings. I mean . . . it was unfair to make someone suffer just because they were in love with you . . . right?
Of course, it could just be his stupid fault for falling for me in the first place. It wasn't as though I'd asked him to love me - in fact I'd pretty much done everything I could think of to earn the opposite.
The rules hadn't changed just because I knew how he felt. I was still out to drive him absolutely mad.
And now I had more ways than ever to do it.
With a smirk I shoved Crucio off me unceremoniously and walked over to the table. I leant over Harry's shoulder, studying the piece of paper. "What's that?" I spoke directly into his ear, pretending not to notice the way his breathing had increased.
How could I have not known the depth of his feelings a long time ago? I mean, sure I knew he liked me, but he really was a bit transparent. 'Liking' didn't make someone incapable of thinking, breathing or moving every time the other person was near them.
"It's a coded message." he answered, sounded a little flustered. "I'm supposed to decode it but I can't bloody get past the first three words." I nodded slightly as if I was incredibly interested (which I was not).
"So what does that mean?" I pointed at the first 'word'.
My cheek brushed against his and he swallowed nervously.
"It means . . . uh . . . that."
That you're thinking about shagging me?
"Um . . . " he continued.
That there are too many hormones in your body for you to actually process any thoughts?
"Yes?" I prompted sweetly.
"Uh . . . " he repeated, trying to remember whatever the hell it actually did mean. "It's not important."
I hid a grin. "Okay, then."
He licked his lips nervously. Poor guy. I moved away and watched in amusement as his upper body instantly relaxed.
Sorry, Harry, but you can't get rid of me that easily.
I grabbed a chair and dragged it up to the table, placing it directly next to Harry. "Mind if I watch?" I inquired sweetly.
"Um, no, of course not." he lied, knowing he wasn't going to get anything done if I was sitting that close to him. "Just . . . don't talk, all right?"
"All right." I agreed easily. I didn't need to talk to torture him.
He set back to work and I waited until he was again absorbed in his work, It took a long time for that to happen, but I happened to be a very patient person . . . when it suited me.
With a mischievous smirk I stretched an arm slowly across his lap, letting it gently fall until "Awqkh." Harry squawked.
"Sorry." I looked at him innocently, puppy dog eyes telling him that I wouldn't even think about doing that on purpose.
"T-t-that's ok." he stuttered, blood rising in his face . . . and another certain place as well.
I tried my very hardest not to snicker. I was driving him mad.
Slowly but surely driving him mad.
It was the least I could do in return for him giving me all these damned feelings. I did actually feel a tad guilty - it was okay to mess with someone who just wanted you but someone who loved you was a different matter. Then again, I really did believe what I'd told Sirius - Harry didn't know what he wanted and definitely didn't have a clue what he needed.
"I think I might take a break." Harry said unsteadily, trying to get his breathing under control.
"Okay. Do you want to watch some TV?" I asked with a smile.
"Sure. As long as I get to pick what we watch."
I frowned. Harry had terrible taste in TV. Who knew what crap he'd put on? However, I was in a generous mood so I graciously agreed.
Thirty minutes later, watching a ridiculously sappy and cheesy love story I sincerely wished I'd gone with my first instinct- 'no you can't you nasty little wizard, die die die!!!'
Unfortunately . . .
"That's so cliché." I said with a combined frown and sigh.
"Hmm?" Harry turned his attention to me.
"Well you know- in films the girl always gets something on her face and the bloke tells her and reaches out to wipe it off. Then they staring into each others eyes and both realise that they have feelings for each other. Next thing you know, they're kissing each other and everything turns out happily ever after."
"So?"
"It always happens!"
"Yeah but that's because it's cute." Harry argued.
"You think it's cute?" I grinned.
"Well . . . yeah. Don't you?"
"In a kinda 'overused repetitive unimaginative' way sure."
Harry shook his head. "You have no sense of romance."
"How is that romantic?" I exclaimed. "They're at a bus station!"
"It doesn't matter where they are! The point is that they realised that they love each other."
"But how does having something wiped off her cheek convince her that she's in love with him?"
Harry hit his head with his hand. "It doesn't! It just - oh it doesn't matter . . . I give up."
He stabbed the button on the remote control violently and changed the channel.
"No! No! Turn it off!" I hid my face with a cushion. "Make it go away!"
"It's a needle, Draco." Harry looked at me as if I was mad.
"But they're putting it in him! Switch it off!" Realising that he wasn't going to I fumbled for the controls and switched off the TV. Satisfied that the nasty needle had gone away I emerged from under the pillow.
"What was that?" Harry asked in amazement.
"I'm afraid of injections." I muttered.
"You're afraid of injections!" Harry exclaimed. "You're afraid of *injections*
"Yeah so?"
"You killed thousands of people and tortured hundreds and you can't even watch someone get an injection?"
I shuddered, beginning to take offence at his expression. "What? It's not like I ever injected anybody - even I'm not *that* cruel."
"You're telling me that you're not cruel enough to give a 'mudblood' an injection?" Harry said cynically.
"Yeah! It's not like they've done anything wrong - I wouldn't wish that on anybody." I winced again.
"But I thought you hated muggle born wizards...?"
"I'll let you in on a little secret - I don't actually give a shit whether people have pure blood, impure blood or no damned blood at all."
"Then why did you do it?"
"Power." I replied simply as if this was the most obvious thing on the planet.
"Oh." Harry looked taken aback.
"I used to believe that blood mattered." I admitted softly, not wanting him to think too badly of me. "I did before I realised that it was just Voldemort's fucked up excuse for taking over the world. And by the time I found that out I was too far in to suddenly back out." I sighed. "I didn't even want to. I wish I had done now, but back then it wasn't something I considered."
Harry nodded slightly and took a sip of his coffee. Well, since we were in the mood for sharing.
"What did Granger mean?"
"Sorry?"
"When she said that it wasn't her and Weasley who changed."
"Oh . . . that." Sadness radiated off his face and suddenly he seemed older, weary of the responsibilities life had handed him. "When the war really started I had to grow up pretty quickly. It was a lot of responsibility for an 18 year old to handle - having everybody expect him to single-handedly win the war. I mean, fuck, eventually I believed I had to as well. I blamed myself for every person that died and for every Death Eater who didn't." he sighed. "And I didn't have time for friends. I didn't have the time or the energy to listen to them tell me that it wasn't my fault. They were right but I just couldn't take it. It's easier to blame yourself than to know there was nothing you could have done."
"You were *eighteen*, Harry." I reminded him.
He shrugged. "People have been expecting that of me since I was born - my age didn't come into it."
"Shouldn't it have made you more dependent on them? Granger and Weasley, I mean."
"I couldn't afford to depend on anything or anybody. I was terrified of losing them - of them dying when I needed them the most. So I just stopped needing them."
I shuddered slightly, feeling suddenly cold. "And I thought that it was just my side that did that to people."
Harry leant his head on his hands. "I lied to myself though- I didn't stop needing them - I needed them even more, I just convinced myself that I was invincible that nothing could get to me."
"But it could?"
He nodded, swallowing hard. "Losing them was the hardest thing I ever had to do," he stared at the table, "I miss them so much."
"So why didn't you tell them that?"
Harry frowned. "This is war, Draco - things have to change. Sacrifices have to made."
"Harry," I smiled at him slightly, "the war's over."
And those simple words resounded through my very being. I'd been rejecting Harry's offer of friendship over and over again because we were on opposite sides . . .
We were on opposite sides of a war that was over.
And now I'd realised that, my reasons were as finished as the war.
"Is it?" he sighed, doubt in his eyes.
"Yes, it is." I said softly.
"I'm not sure it'll ever be over." Despair radiated off him.
I sighed, counting off on my fingers. "Number one on your most wanted list is dead, number two is living in your house and number three doesn't have the brain cells to spell his own name let alone take over the world."
Harry frowned. "There's a number three?"
I rolled my eyes. "You're missing the point."
"Sorry."
"The point is that there isn't anyone to keep on fighting the war." I leaned over and took his hand without even thinking about it. "The only war that's left is the one you're still fighting . . . with yourself. You don't have to be the 'Boy who Lived' anymore."
Harry looked at our intertwined hands, silently contemplating. Realising a bit too late that I was holding his hand I released it.
I broke the silence softly. "Do you regret it? The sacrifices?"
He sat back with a sigh, rubbing his creased forehead with his thumb. "I do and I don't. Without them I wouldn't have made it though the war- our side would have fallen a long time ago if I hadn't given things up. But I wish that it hadn't been like that. I regret it every second of every day but I wouldn't take it back - I couldn't. But I wish it didn't have to have been me. It's selfish, I know, but . . . " he trailed off, staring at the table.
"It's not selfish." I said gently. "It wasn't fair to you - it wasn't fair to anybody."
Harry smiled at me slightly, deflecting the attention from himself. "What about you? Any regrets?"
I laughed shortly. "Apart from the obvious? Only that I went through all that and still never got what I wanted."
"What was it like?" he asked softly.
I considered it briefly. "Hard.cold.painful.lonely. It took your soul away from you. It wasn't worth the reasons I was doing it for - nothing could compensate for all the ways it fucked me up. Not even all the power in the world."
"What kept you going?" Harry asked curiously. "Once you realised that it wasn't quite what you thought."
"Being sure that what I was doing was right." I smiled sadly, bitterness tingeing my tone. "But that didn't last forever."
He frowned. "No offence, but how could you ever have thought that what you were doing was even the slightest bit right?"
"Not right for the world- not right for me."
"And why wasn't it right for you?"
I chewed my lip contemplatively. "I wanted to shine. I wanted to shine so bright that nobody would be able to ignore me and that nothing would ever stand in my way. I should have figured that joining the side of Dark wasn't the most effective way of shining. It's kind of an oxymoron."
"You never thought about shining on our side?"
I smiled sadly. "Once or twice, but who could outshine the Boy Who Lived?"
"You could have."
I shook my head slightly. "No. I couldn't."
It wasn't a bitter recrimination, wasn't a plea for sympathy- it was just the simple truth. And for once, it didn't seem to hurt.
***
I yawned as I walked into the kitchen. "Is there any coffee?"
"On the counter." Harry answered distractedly.
I poured myself a cup, watching him as he read a letter.
"What's that?" I took a sip of coffee and restrained a yelp as I burnt my mouth.
"Dumbledore wants to see me." Harry frowned. "Today."
"So what's the problem?"
His eyes flickered to me and I sighed.
"Harry- if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times - I am perfectly capable of spending a few hours without your company, no matter how thrilling you may be to have around."
"I know it's just-"
"You could make a day of it. You could so see the old fool and then go shopping and buy me something pretty." I smiled.
Harry looked at me. "You are one strange guy, has anyone ever told you that?"
"No one who valued their life." I replied.
He rolled his eyes slightly. "I think I'll collect Rover on the way back."
"Rover?" I looked at him blankly.
"My dog."
"You called your dog Rover? Do you have *any* imagination whatsoever?"
"Yes." Harry said indignantly, "I just . . . didn't want a dog."
"So why did you get one?"
"Hermione made me. After the war started I sort of stopped spending time with people. Her and Ron were worried about me so they made me get one to keep me company."
I looked at him with a slightly horrified expression. "That's terrible - you needed a *dog* to keep you company?"
"Yeah." he didn't seem at all bothered by my criticism. "It wasn't like there were so many people offering to spend time with Voldemort's main target."
"Most people are cowards." I stated with distaste. "I can't believe you had to get a dog."
"I take it you're not a dog fan?" Harry said with a small smile.
"Not generally . . . but I'm sure Rover will be . . . " I swallowed, "delightful."
He snorted with laughter. "You're so full of shit."
"Comes with being a Malfoy." I quipped. "My father had a particularly chronic case."
I hadn't spoken so casually about my father since his death and the words took me by surprise.
Harry was staring at me with a strange expression, a faint smile on his face.
"What?" I asked, beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable.
"I'm just glad you're here." I felt a flutter of something in my stomach and I took a step forward, my mouth opening and closing as I tried to think of something to say. Harry coloured. "Well I better go- I don't want to be late."
I never did figure out what I wanted to say.
***
A dog the size of a small elephant drooling on my foot announced Harry's arrival home.
"Hello, Rover." I cooed, deigning to touch the slobbering mangy creature. It panted happily. "Who's a good dog? Who's a good dog?" Satisfied that I'd done my part I picked up a magazine. "Here you go- fetch!" I chucked it out of the room.
Rover sped after it and with a smirk I closed the door behind it.
Stupid mutt.
Harry was standing by the fireplace, totally silent and his face devoid of any colour. "What's wrong?" Concern tinged my tone.
His eyelashes fluttered and he swallowed deeply, trying to keep the pain out of his eyes.
I stepped closer. "Harry, what is it?" My fingers reached out and brushed against his cheek- a ghost of a touch which I hadn't really thought about. His arms reached up and took hold of my hand, keeping it pressed against his cheek. He closed his eyes briefly, savoring the touch that he felt so rarely. "Harry?" I asked in a whisper, confused beyond belief.
"You can leave tomorrow." he said softly.
Shock flooded me and temporarily I couldn't breathe. "I can leave?" I repeated.
Harry nodded silently, his eyes fixed to the floor. I stepped back, pulling my hand away. "As in - I can actually leave the house- leave?" His nod became even more stiff and controlled. I was too shocked to know what to think.
What am, an idiot? I can get out of here! Shouldn't I be happy?
Only I wasn't.
Confused, I met Harry's eyes and saw all his emotions swirling round.
"Are you okay?" I asked quietly . . . awkwardly.
"Fine." he answered shortly. He didn't look fine - in fact he looked the opposite.
"Um . . . are you sure?" I asked tentatively.
"I said I'm fine, all right? Leave it!" he stormed out the room and I heard a series of muffled thuds as he stamped up the stairs. The door slammed behind him as he entered his room and I winced as the sound echoed through the house.
"Well, that went really well." I muttered sarcastically.
For a second I thought about going after him, but then changed my mind. If he was going to be so childish then he could damn well stay up there. It wasn't my problem.
He could at least be making the most of his last day with me.
Then again, I supposed it was quite difficult for the poor idiot to get over the idea of me leaving . . . I mean, I was the most amazing wizard to ever walk the earth. Who wouldn't miss my cheery manner and my sympathetic listening skills?
Er . . . maybe that was pushing it a little.
I guess I could just blame it on that whole pesky love thing.
***
I shifted my weight for the thousandth time.
Harry had appeared half an hour earlier, a sheepish expression on his face. After apologising profusely he'd settled with me at the kitchen table, a plate of brownies pushed towards me like a white flag . . . an edible white flag.
And we'd sat there since in silence, treating each other like we were perfect strangers.
I was sick of it, but I couldn't bring myself to break the uneasy silence, so instead I stuffed brownies in my mouth like they were going out of style.
Our fingers met as we both reached for the last brownie.
My eyes snapped upwards and met Harry's surprised ones.
"You can have it." I said politely.
"No honestly, it's all right!" he protested.
"No, it's yours!" My mouth was watering at the smell of the chocolate icing.
"I wasn't hungry anyway." Harry assured me.
"You haven't eaten." I reminded him.
"Neither have you." he countered.
"You made it."
"You need it more."
I frowned. "I'm on a diet."
A smile spread across his face. "You don't need to be."
I opened my mouth.
"I insist." he said.
I shrugged. "Okay, then." I took the cake and took a large bite.
His mouth dropped open in outrage.
I smirked slightly- he hadn't been expecting that.
"That wasn't fair." he protested.
"I thought you 'insisted'."
"Yeah but you could have given me a bit!"
"Life's a bitch, isn't it?" I agreed.
He shot me a look that didn't feel quite as angry as it looked.
I munched the rest of the brownie happily.
"You've got some on the corner of your mouth." his hand gestured to the area in question and I felt the ghost of a shiver run through me at his nearness.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"Okay then." I continued chewing, making sure I didn't have any chocolate in my teeth.
"Aren't you going to do anything about it?" he asked finally.
"I was waiting for you to." I said evenly, not letting my voice betray all the feelings that were whirling around inside of me.
His eyes widened slightly as he realised what I was insinuating.
Was I going mad? What was wrong with me? I had no romantic interest in Harry whatsoever and - why was he just staring at me with that shocked expression? Wasn't he going to do anything about it?
I mean I didn't actually want him to or anything but-
Halfway though my inner denial he began to move. Slowly he leaned forward and kissed the corner of my mouth, his tongue gently swirling the chocolate away.
Holy shit.
I nearly whimpered as heat spread through my body. Far too soon he pulled away and met my eyes.
Well, I hadn't been expecting that - I was more thinking he'd wipe it off with his fingers not his tongue.
But I certainly wasn't complaining.
And as soon as I got my ability to speak back I'd tell him that.
I swallowed, trying to get my brain to function, and in the silence panic flickered in his eyes.
"Oh shit." he swore softly. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to. I know that I-"
"Harry." I interrupted him, my voice sounding strange even to myself.
"What?" he asked quietly.
"Shut up."
Shock sparked in his eyes as I spoke.
Driven by the need inside me that was as essential as breathing I grabbed him and slammed my mouth against his. It was desperate, breathless . . . an insatiable craving that couldn't be fulfilled.
Our tongues danced a battle for dominance curving round each other in a way that was unquestionably erotic.
I had to touch him, to feel his skin and kiss and lick every inch of it. His hands slid over me, feeling like they were everywhere at once, leaving me gasping.
I tangled my fingers in his soft, inky black hair, trying to pull him as close as I possibly could.
He tasted of chocolate - a taste that I needed more of. It was electrical, making the hairs rise on the back of my neck and causing me to shiver. His hips bucked against mine, leaving me lightheaded and gasping for breath. The delicious friction made stars erupt in my vision.
I wanted him so much - wanted everything about him. I needed to have him now - before another second passed.
No no no.
This was too fast - too soon.
It took every bit of my inner strength to pull away. The seconds our lips stopped touching the electrical currents in me faded to a warm tingling sensation.
I looked at Harry, trying to work out what the hell he was thinking - trying to work out what the hell *I* was thinking.
"Wow." he breathed, his eyes wide open in shock. "Wow."
Well, that was the understatement of the century.
I hadn't remembered our last kiss as being that intense. But maybe it had been. Maybe it was no wonder that it had left such an impression on Harry. Kisses like that are the ones that change lives.
I tried to get my act together, unused to feeling such reckless abandon. I'd always been calm and level headed in any situation and I was finding it hard to understand why a simple kiss could make me lose my cool.
What was I doing?
I'd asked myself the same question five years ago and I was no nearer to knowing the answer. This was dangerous - this could destroy one or both of us. But I really didn't think that that was going to stop me . . . and I didn't know why.
"Stop it." Harry whispered.
"Stop what?"
"Thinking." he brushed my hair out of my face tenderly. He ran his fingers over my shoulder blade and I nearly passed out as lust flooded my body.
That was it.
Screw going slow.
I wanted him.
No- I needed him.
And this was a risk I was going to have to take.
I needed to know what this was between us - needed to know why I felt this way about him. I stretched my hand out to him, an unspoken invitation that was eerily reminiscent of my outstretched hand eleven years earlier. His eyes staring into mine intently he took it, his palm gently caressing my own and sending shivers spiraling through me.
My fate was sealed.
{I Want to move in time with you I Want to breathe in rhyme with you I Want to feel the deepest kiss And I Want to know you feel like this}
Clasping his hand I turned and led him up the stairs, the mere fact that I was touching him making my heart beating erratically. We reached the bedroom and uncharacteristically, nerves began to flutter in my stomach.
I looked at him awkwardly, the desperate passion had been stalled and I didn't know what to do.
Harry tipped his head to one side slightly and smiled affectionately. Slowly he stepped forward, our bodies so close that I could feel a constant crackle of electricity. Gently he lifted his hand and stroked my cheek. I shivered at the contact, feeling warmth pool in the pit of my stomach.
"You're so beautiful." Harry whispered, leaning forward and capturing my lips in a warm kiss, different from anything I'd ever felt before. It was soft, sweet, almost heartbreaking in its tenderness. The love contained in it made me weak at the knees and I leaned forward onto him so that I didn't fall over.
"Draco," he murmured, "I-"
Quickly I put my finger over his lips, muffling the words I knew were at the tip of his tongue.
"Shh." I could feel his warm breath tickling my fingers and it made the corners of my mouth turn up slightly. "It doesn't matter.
{For this one time, one time Let my body do what it feels For this one time, one time Let this fantasy become real Cos I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me Oh I, no I }
A mischievous look entered his eyes and before I had chance to wonder what it meant, my finger was in his mouth.
I let out a startled exclamation that quickly turned into a desperate whimper as his teeth scraped my skin as he sucked lightly.
"That's not playing fair." I said breathlessly.
"Fair?" he smirked. "Who said anything about playing fair?"
My eyes narrowed. Two could play that game.
My hand gently caressed his cheek, slowly tracing a path over the contours of his jaw and feeling the silken skin on his neck. The palm of my hand moved down, gently sliding over the taught muscles of Harry's chest. My fingertips trailed behind my palm, my nails lightly scraping Harry's skin.
His breath was shallow and he let out a small gasp as I took hold of his hips and pulled him towards me, grinding into him.
"Shit." He swore softly.
{I Want to feel your hand in mine I Want to feel that rush in my spine I Want to wear the scent of you And do All the things you want me to}
"Do you want me, Harry?" The shadows danced on our bodies in the unlit room. "Do you want this?"
His eyes fluttered, his mouth opening and closing as though he was trying to form words. I kissed his neck, sucking on his pulse point, softly at first and then harder, gently biting to mark him as mine.
"Oh God," he moaned, ".Draco."
The sound of his lust-filled throaty moan headed straight to my groin and if possible, I became even more hard.
I took a step backwards, immediately missing the contact, but knowing that I would go mad if he remained fully clothed for another minute. In one smooth move I tugged the shirt over his head, as his fingers scrabbled to undo the buttons on my shirt.
"What do you want Harry?" My voice was a low seductive purr. "What is it that you want?"
He threw his head back, his nails digging into my shoulder. "You."
I smiled.
{So baby this one time, one time Let my body do what it feels For this one time one time Let this fantasy become real Cos I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me}
I pushed him onto the bed, straddling his thighs, kissing a line along his smooth skin.
Wanted him
Needed him
"Draco." He gasped as I shifted my weight and tugged his trousers off. Moving upwards I crushed my lips against his in a searing hot kiss, letting him roll me over so I was at the bottom.
His fingers splayed out across my skin, sliding lower and lower, caressing my stomach and sliding underneath the elastic of my boxers. I inhaled sharply, my hands uselessly gripping the quilt as I held back a cry of pleasure.
His tongue tangled with mine as he sucked gently upon it. My entire body was trembling; the power in his kisses was so intense. I couldn't take it any longer, hadn't ever felt anything like this desperate burning desire . . . this longing.
With a growl I flipped him back over rubbing his obvious arousal with the heel of my palm.
"Draco." he moaned.
"Hmmm?"
"I need you- inside me." He gasped breathily.
I didn't question it- I knew he wanted this every bit as much as I did . . . maybe even more.
Before the moment passed I reached towards the drawer.
"No." he grabbed my arm. "Just do it now."
"But-" I started.
"Now." He gasped, his cheeks flushed and his lips swollen and red.
"I don't want to hurt you." Concern filled my eyes.
"You won't.' His voice was determined. Convinced that his mind was made up I parted his legs, scraping my fingernails lightly over the small of his back.
{I feel the danger The separation I want to take your invitation The separation it's all around I need this side of me}
I positioned myself , looking deeply into his eyes and knowing that this was beyond lust, beyond reality. And in one move I was inside him.
He was so tight and a moan slipped from lips as I pushed slowly into him.
"Oh God." I whispered.
Our bodies melded together, moving as one.
"Harry." The moan slipped from my lips easily.
"Faster." he gasped, grabbing my hips and pushing me deeper inside him.
{This side of me, side of me This side of me Ooh}
Blood pounded through my head as I sped up, making the world pulse. I was suddenly a part of everything and everything was a part of me.
Harry groaned and the sound of it drove me even closer to the edge. I bit down on my lip, wanting to both fight and embrace the feelings that seemed too intense for words.
It was unbearable.
I couldn't stop. I was forgetting myself in him, I couldn't remember why this was wrong, who I was, who I had been.
{I Want to move in time with you I Want to breathe in rhyme with you I Want to stitch my clothes in sin And in the dark I want to find that door and go within}
Needed-
Wanted-
Couldn't-
"Harry." I whispered, losing hold of the world around me and of any coherent thought in my head.
{For this one time, one time Let my body do what it feels For this one time, one time Let this fantasy become real Cos I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me No I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me}
Need
Want
Can't
"Oh God."
Friction
Heat
Need
Want
So close
Can't stop
Have to
Want
Harry
Harry
Harry
Oh God oh God oh God
The world exploded in a fountain of light and my body shuddered as ecstasy like I'd never felt before coursed through my blood.
I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't process what had just happened. I was lost in an expanse of pearly incandescent light, floating in paradise.
Peace flooded through me as two arms wrapped me in a warm embrace. I was safe. Safe and loved.
{Side of me Side of me This side of me Ooh oh}
I felt him press a kiss to my forehead before I drifted off into sleep more easily than I ever had done before - secure in the knowledge that someone was watching over me.
Secure in the knowledge that Harry was here.
***
I watched him sleep, his face for once smoothed of all the cares of the world.
A smile curved his lips and I gently ran my finger over them.
He was so beautiful - I'd never realised it before but he was.
Too beautiful to deserve me.
In the sunlight he looked like an angel, his skin glowing a pale gold. A part of me hoped that he would never wake up because I had never seen anything as incredible as his beauty - it moved me, awoke a part of me I hadn't known existed.
There was a screech of an owl outside the window and in a second I was off the bed, not wanting Harry to be wakened.
Torn between wanting to be quiet and wanting to make the bloody owl go away I fumbled with the window catch. The owl hovered outside, an envelope addressed to me in its claws.
Hesitantly I reached out of the window, bracing myself for the collision with the force field that was bound to come.
Instead, my fingers touched the smooth texture of the parchment.
Startled, I snapped my hand back, accidentally hitting my knuckles on the window frame. I yelped and clutched my rapidly reddening hand.
Well I hadn't been expecting that.
The owl hooted again in impatient irritation and I shushed it, looking anxiously back at Harry. I reached through the window again, this time gripping the letter and taking it.
The owl disappeared in a flurry of feathers and I was left standing in a silent room regarding the letter in my hand.
I turned it upside down, emptying the contents onto the bed.
Two items fell out - my wand being one of them
I picked it up slowly, feeling the delicious shiver of magic at my fingertips.
I'd missed this so much - I'm missed magic. It was in my blood and it called to me constantly- something that could no more be denied than you could not breathe.
The sound of Harry turning over made my head snap round, watching as he screwed his nose up slightly in his sleep.
A feeling of warmth spread over me and a fond smile spread over my face.
He looked younger when he slept, his innocence and purity restored. When he slept you couldn't guess the horrors he had seen. My hand rustling the parchment snapped me out of my thoughts and I turned my attention to the piece of parchment.
Mr. Malfoy - You are now free to leave Harry's house. Your name has been cleared of all charges and you should encounter no problems. Your wand is enclosed and your Manor has been readied for your arrival. I hope, for your sake, I never hear of you or see you again.
Professor Dumbledore.
Well that seemed a bit obvious- he wanted me out of Harry's house.
And quite frankly after two months of being cooped up - I wanted out of Harry's house as well.
Or did I?
I gently touched Harry's hair, feeling ridiculously sentimental.
Maybe I could stay.
I jerked, both at my thoughts and the wistful feeling inside me.
No.
I didn't belong here.
I looked at him again, at his peaceful expression. I'd wreck his life - I knew I would.
I didn't belong with him.
Swallowing hard I leaned over and gently brushed my lips against his forehead as he had done to me the night before.
He murmured slightly and burrowed deeper into the quilt.
"Goodbye Harry." I murmured.
I turned and walked out of the room, feeling pain stab my heart.
A heart I hadn't even known existed until today.
Keeping my face stony and blank I opened the front door, barely hesitating before I stepped outside into freedom, leaving behind the only love and light there had ever been in my life. I was leaving behind the only person who cared about me - the only person I cared about.
It felt as though I was being physically torn apart - torn apart from something or someone who had become a part of me.
And though every nerve in my body screamed for me to . . . I didn't look back.
So there we have it.
Not the end yet though so don't hurt me quite yet.
The song I used is "This Side of Me" by Savage Garden.
Pleeeeeaaaaseee review - tell me what you think, I need to know.
Thanks for reading!
~C~
This is the penultimate chapter - not the end! Not the end!
So here it is
I sat in shock for twenty minute before deciding I should go check Harry hadn't thrown himself out of a window.
And if at the same time he happened to mention what the 'lo' word had been then that was only an added bonus.
It wasn't as if I was going all the way up the stairs just to find out if he was in love with me . . . or at least I liked to believe I wasn't.
"Can I come in?" I stood hesitantly at the threshold to Harry's room, staring at the closed door.
Silence answered me.
"'Harry?" I knocked impatiently. "Can I come in?" Bloody git- he was ignoring me. "Harry, will you open this bloody door?"
I rolled my eyes- why was he being so stubborn?
"If you don't open this door within the next five seconds. . . " I trailed off realising that there was actually nothing I could do. Oh, why couldn't I just give up?
Unfortunately I knew the answer to that - if I wanted to know then I had to go in . . .
Unless of course he wanted to come out.
And there was that damn phrase again!
"Go away!" Harry called, his voice muffled, as though it was buried in a pillow.
"Give me one good reason why I should."
"Because I'd like to die of embarrassment by myself."
I snorted. "Nonsense- you're a Gryffindor, you can't do anything by yourself!"
There was an impatient sigh and the door was flung open. "Do you not even have the decency to let me suffer without an audience?" Harry snapped.
"Decency? Me? Come now Harry what do you think I am, a Hufflepuff?" I tilted my head slightly to the side. "Now are you going to let me in?"
With narrowed eyes he swung the door open and let me past.
"You know, this is the first time I've ever come in here." I remarked, surveying the hunter green walls and the checked bedspread.
"You've lived here for two months and you've never been in my bedroom?" Harry asked, a skeptical expression on his face.
"Yeah." I opened a draw and peered inside.
Harry cocked an eyebrow at my nosiness. "What do you think?"
I looked at him intently. "It's you."
"Actually it's my *room*." he corrected me with an impish smile, settling back on his bed.
"Shut up- you know what I mean."
"Yeah . . . I do."
The look in his eyes reminded me why I was there. "Harry . . . " I started, my tone serious.
"I don't want to talk about it." he said firmly.
"Ok." I said softly, wondering why I was accepting that when I definitely wanted to talk about it.
He pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it, sighing slightly. I stared at the walls, trying desperately to think of something to say to change the subject. "So do you always decorate to colour coordinate with your eyes?" I asked with a smirk.
"No." Harry looked round languidly. "Sometimes I decorate to colour coordinate with *your* eyes." he smirked slightly. I blinked. Was he flirting?
"Why? What colour are my eyes then?"
"Beautiful."
Definitely flirting.
"That's not a colour." I objected, a slightly nervous tone in my voice.
"Well, it should be."
I opened my mouth and then closed it again, completely unsure of what I should do. I wasn't used to not being in control and it was confusing me greatly.
"Er . . . okay then." I knew there was a reason I never came into his bedroom. I backed away towards the door. "I'm just going to . . . go." Wow, I sounded like an idiot.
"You do that." Harry agreed, humour crossing his face as he realised he'd somehow turned this situation completely around.
"Bye, then." I quickly stepped out of the room, closing the door behind me.
Talk about a shift of power - how the hell had he done that? That was the thing about Harry - every time I thought I had him figured out, he did something that made me realise that he hadn't shown me half of who he really was.
***
"Do we have to watch this?" Harry moaned.
"Of course." I kept my eyes glued to Friends.
"But why? It's a load of-"
I gave him a warning look.
"Fine." he sighed. Happily, I turned back to the TV. "Draco." Harry sounded terrified.
"What?" I asked distractedly.
"Your cat's walking towards me." I looked over and stifled a grin, watching with great interest.
"I always find it peculiar that Voldemort, the most powerful murderous killer who ever existed, didn't scare you, yet my cat does."
"Yeah well," Harry said through gritted teeth, "Voldemort didn't have claws and a tail."
"As far as you know." I muttered. Harry attempted a weak smile at Crucio, who tipped his head to one side slightly and looked long and hard at Harry.
Harry swallowed nervously and didn't move an inch.
I looked curiously at the interaction, finding it more than vaguely entertaining. In one sudden move, Crucio jumped on top of Harry.
"Ahhh!" Harry yelled.
I almost died of suffocation due to laughter. "Draco, your cat's trying to- " he paused realising that Crucio was in fact settling down to sleep on his knee.
"To use you as a pillow?" I asked innocently. The look of utter shock on his face was priceless.
"It didn't kill me." he said in surprise.
"No, *he* didn't." I really got fed up of Harry treating Crucio like an inanimate object.
"I don't get it."
"Shouldn't you just be grateful that he didn't shred you?" I suggested.
"He still might." Harry muttered darkly.
"No he won't, will you Crucio?" I said fondly.
'I wouldn't bet on it' was the returned stare of my cat.
Hoping Harry couldn't interpret the stares of my cat I turned to him with a bright smile. "See?"
"I don't believe you." Harry said stubbornly (luckily for his safety - I really couldn't say how long Crucio's generous phase was going to last).
Crucio gave Harry a disdainful look and moved from his lap into my own. Well, at least that took away the risk of Harry being torn to shreds.
"I think I'm going to go get some work done." Harry stood gingerly as though that was going to incite Crucio to attack.
"Have fun." I smiled, trying to stop myself of thinking of ways to torture Harry with the new information I'd learned about his feelings. I mean . . . it was unfair to make someone suffer just because they were in love with you . . . right?
Of course, it could just be his stupid fault for falling for me in the first place. It wasn't as though I'd asked him to love me - in fact I'd pretty much done everything I could think of to earn the opposite.
The rules hadn't changed just because I knew how he felt. I was still out to drive him absolutely mad.
And now I had more ways than ever to do it.
With a smirk I shoved Crucio off me unceremoniously and walked over to the table. I leant over Harry's shoulder, studying the piece of paper. "What's that?" I spoke directly into his ear, pretending not to notice the way his breathing had increased.
How could I have not known the depth of his feelings a long time ago? I mean, sure I knew he liked me, but he really was a bit transparent. 'Liking' didn't make someone incapable of thinking, breathing or moving every time the other person was near them.
"It's a coded message." he answered, sounded a little flustered. "I'm supposed to decode it but I can't bloody get past the first three words." I nodded slightly as if I was incredibly interested (which I was not).
"So what does that mean?" I pointed at the first 'word'.
My cheek brushed against his and he swallowed nervously.
"It means . . . uh . . . that."
That you're thinking about shagging me?
"Um . . . " he continued.
That there are too many hormones in your body for you to actually process any thoughts?
"Yes?" I prompted sweetly.
"Uh . . . " he repeated, trying to remember whatever the hell it actually did mean. "It's not important."
I hid a grin. "Okay, then."
He licked his lips nervously. Poor guy. I moved away and watched in amusement as his upper body instantly relaxed.
Sorry, Harry, but you can't get rid of me that easily.
I grabbed a chair and dragged it up to the table, placing it directly next to Harry. "Mind if I watch?" I inquired sweetly.
"Um, no, of course not." he lied, knowing he wasn't going to get anything done if I was sitting that close to him. "Just . . . don't talk, all right?"
"All right." I agreed easily. I didn't need to talk to torture him.
He set back to work and I waited until he was again absorbed in his work, It took a long time for that to happen, but I happened to be a very patient person . . . when it suited me.
With a mischievous smirk I stretched an arm slowly across his lap, letting it gently fall until "Awqkh." Harry squawked.
"Sorry." I looked at him innocently, puppy dog eyes telling him that I wouldn't even think about doing that on purpose.
"T-t-that's ok." he stuttered, blood rising in his face . . . and another certain place as well.
I tried my very hardest not to snicker. I was driving him mad.
Slowly but surely driving him mad.
It was the least I could do in return for him giving me all these damned feelings. I did actually feel a tad guilty - it was okay to mess with someone who just wanted you but someone who loved you was a different matter. Then again, I really did believe what I'd told Sirius - Harry didn't know what he wanted and definitely didn't have a clue what he needed.
"I think I might take a break." Harry said unsteadily, trying to get his breathing under control.
"Okay. Do you want to watch some TV?" I asked with a smile.
"Sure. As long as I get to pick what we watch."
I frowned. Harry had terrible taste in TV. Who knew what crap he'd put on? However, I was in a generous mood so I graciously agreed.
Thirty minutes later, watching a ridiculously sappy and cheesy love story I sincerely wished I'd gone with my first instinct- 'no you can't you nasty little wizard, die die die!!!'
Unfortunately . . .
"That's so cliché." I said with a combined frown and sigh.
"Hmm?" Harry turned his attention to me.
"Well you know- in films the girl always gets something on her face and the bloke tells her and reaches out to wipe it off. Then they staring into each others eyes and both realise that they have feelings for each other. Next thing you know, they're kissing each other and everything turns out happily ever after."
"So?"
"It always happens!"
"Yeah but that's because it's cute." Harry argued.
"You think it's cute?" I grinned.
"Well . . . yeah. Don't you?"
"In a kinda 'overused repetitive unimaginative' way sure."
Harry shook his head. "You have no sense of romance."
"How is that romantic?" I exclaimed. "They're at a bus station!"
"It doesn't matter where they are! The point is that they realised that they love each other."
"But how does having something wiped off her cheek convince her that she's in love with him?"
Harry hit his head with his hand. "It doesn't! It just - oh it doesn't matter . . . I give up."
He stabbed the button on the remote control violently and changed the channel.
"No! No! Turn it off!" I hid my face with a cushion. "Make it go away!"
"It's a needle, Draco." Harry looked at me as if I was mad.
"But they're putting it in him! Switch it off!" Realising that he wasn't going to I fumbled for the controls and switched off the TV. Satisfied that the nasty needle had gone away I emerged from under the pillow.
"What was that?" Harry asked in amazement.
"I'm afraid of injections." I muttered.
"You're afraid of injections!" Harry exclaimed. "You're afraid of *injections*
"Yeah so?"
"You killed thousands of people and tortured hundreds and you can't even watch someone get an injection?"
I shuddered, beginning to take offence at his expression. "What? It's not like I ever injected anybody - even I'm not *that* cruel."
"You're telling me that you're not cruel enough to give a 'mudblood' an injection?" Harry said cynically.
"Yeah! It's not like they've done anything wrong - I wouldn't wish that on anybody." I winced again.
"But I thought you hated muggle born wizards...?"
"I'll let you in on a little secret - I don't actually give a shit whether people have pure blood, impure blood or no damned blood at all."
"Then why did you do it?"
"Power." I replied simply as if this was the most obvious thing on the planet.
"Oh." Harry looked taken aback.
"I used to believe that blood mattered." I admitted softly, not wanting him to think too badly of me. "I did before I realised that it was just Voldemort's fucked up excuse for taking over the world. And by the time I found that out I was too far in to suddenly back out." I sighed. "I didn't even want to. I wish I had done now, but back then it wasn't something I considered."
Harry nodded slightly and took a sip of his coffee. Well, since we were in the mood for sharing.
"What did Granger mean?"
"Sorry?"
"When she said that it wasn't her and Weasley who changed."
"Oh . . . that." Sadness radiated off his face and suddenly he seemed older, weary of the responsibilities life had handed him. "When the war really started I had to grow up pretty quickly. It was a lot of responsibility for an 18 year old to handle - having everybody expect him to single-handedly win the war. I mean, fuck, eventually I believed I had to as well. I blamed myself for every person that died and for every Death Eater who didn't." he sighed. "And I didn't have time for friends. I didn't have the time or the energy to listen to them tell me that it wasn't my fault. They were right but I just couldn't take it. It's easier to blame yourself than to know there was nothing you could have done."
"You were *eighteen*, Harry." I reminded him.
He shrugged. "People have been expecting that of me since I was born - my age didn't come into it."
"Shouldn't it have made you more dependent on them? Granger and Weasley, I mean."
"I couldn't afford to depend on anything or anybody. I was terrified of losing them - of them dying when I needed them the most. So I just stopped needing them."
I shuddered slightly, feeling suddenly cold. "And I thought that it was just my side that did that to people."
Harry leant his head on his hands. "I lied to myself though- I didn't stop needing them - I needed them even more, I just convinced myself that I was invincible that nothing could get to me."
"But it could?"
He nodded, swallowing hard. "Losing them was the hardest thing I ever had to do," he stared at the table, "I miss them so much."
"So why didn't you tell them that?"
Harry frowned. "This is war, Draco - things have to change. Sacrifices have to made."
"Harry," I smiled at him slightly, "the war's over."
And those simple words resounded through my very being. I'd been rejecting Harry's offer of friendship over and over again because we were on opposite sides . . .
We were on opposite sides of a war that was over.
And now I'd realised that, my reasons were as finished as the war.
"Is it?" he sighed, doubt in his eyes.
"Yes, it is." I said softly.
"I'm not sure it'll ever be over." Despair radiated off him.
I sighed, counting off on my fingers. "Number one on your most wanted list is dead, number two is living in your house and number three doesn't have the brain cells to spell his own name let alone take over the world."
Harry frowned. "There's a number three?"
I rolled my eyes. "You're missing the point."
"Sorry."
"The point is that there isn't anyone to keep on fighting the war." I leaned over and took his hand without even thinking about it. "The only war that's left is the one you're still fighting . . . with yourself. You don't have to be the 'Boy who Lived' anymore."
Harry looked at our intertwined hands, silently contemplating. Realising a bit too late that I was holding his hand I released it.
I broke the silence softly. "Do you regret it? The sacrifices?"
He sat back with a sigh, rubbing his creased forehead with his thumb. "I do and I don't. Without them I wouldn't have made it though the war- our side would have fallen a long time ago if I hadn't given things up. But I wish that it hadn't been like that. I regret it every second of every day but I wouldn't take it back - I couldn't. But I wish it didn't have to have been me. It's selfish, I know, but . . . " he trailed off, staring at the table.
"It's not selfish." I said gently. "It wasn't fair to you - it wasn't fair to anybody."
Harry smiled at me slightly, deflecting the attention from himself. "What about you? Any regrets?"
I laughed shortly. "Apart from the obvious? Only that I went through all that and still never got what I wanted."
"What was it like?" he asked softly.
I considered it briefly. "Hard.cold.painful.lonely. It took your soul away from you. It wasn't worth the reasons I was doing it for - nothing could compensate for all the ways it fucked me up. Not even all the power in the world."
"What kept you going?" Harry asked curiously. "Once you realised that it wasn't quite what you thought."
"Being sure that what I was doing was right." I smiled sadly, bitterness tingeing my tone. "But that didn't last forever."
He frowned. "No offence, but how could you ever have thought that what you were doing was even the slightest bit right?"
"Not right for the world- not right for me."
"And why wasn't it right for you?"
I chewed my lip contemplatively. "I wanted to shine. I wanted to shine so bright that nobody would be able to ignore me and that nothing would ever stand in my way. I should have figured that joining the side of Dark wasn't the most effective way of shining. It's kind of an oxymoron."
"You never thought about shining on our side?"
I smiled sadly. "Once or twice, but who could outshine the Boy Who Lived?"
"You could have."
I shook my head slightly. "No. I couldn't."
It wasn't a bitter recrimination, wasn't a plea for sympathy- it was just the simple truth. And for once, it didn't seem to hurt.
***
I yawned as I walked into the kitchen. "Is there any coffee?"
"On the counter." Harry answered distractedly.
I poured myself a cup, watching him as he read a letter.
"What's that?" I took a sip of coffee and restrained a yelp as I burnt my mouth.
"Dumbledore wants to see me." Harry frowned. "Today."
"So what's the problem?"
His eyes flickered to me and I sighed.
"Harry- if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times - I am perfectly capable of spending a few hours without your company, no matter how thrilling you may be to have around."
"I know it's just-"
"You could make a day of it. You could so see the old fool and then go shopping and buy me something pretty." I smiled.
Harry looked at me. "You are one strange guy, has anyone ever told you that?"
"No one who valued their life." I replied.
He rolled his eyes slightly. "I think I'll collect Rover on the way back."
"Rover?" I looked at him blankly.
"My dog."
"You called your dog Rover? Do you have *any* imagination whatsoever?"
"Yes." Harry said indignantly, "I just . . . didn't want a dog."
"So why did you get one?"
"Hermione made me. After the war started I sort of stopped spending time with people. Her and Ron were worried about me so they made me get one to keep me company."
I looked at him with a slightly horrified expression. "That's terrible - you needed a *dog* to keep you company?"
"Yeah." he didn't seem at all bothered by my criticism. "It wasn't like there were so many people offering to spend time with Voldemort's main target."
"Most people are cowards." I stated with distaste. "I can't believe you had to get a dog."
"I take it you're not a dog fan?" Harry said with a small smile.
"Not generally . . . but I'm sure Rover will be . . . " I swallowed, "delightful."
He snorted with laughter. "You're so full of shit."
"Comes with being a Malfoy." I quipped. "My father had a particularly chronic case."
I hadn't spoken so casually about my father since his death and the words took me by surprise.
Harry was staring at me with a strange expression, a faint smile on his face.
"What?" I asked, beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable.
"I'm just glad you're here." I felt a flutter of something in my stomach and I took a step forward, my mouth opening and closing as I tried to think of something to say. Harry coloured. "Well I better go- I don't want to be late."
I never did figure out what I wanted to say.
***
A dog the size of a small elephant drooling on my foot announced Harry's arrival home.
"Hello, Rover." I cooed, deigning to touch the slobbering mangy creature. It panted happily. "Who's a good dog? Who's a good dog?" Satisfied that I'd done my part I picked up a magazine. "Here you go- fetch!" I chucked it out of the room.
Rover sped after it and with a smirk I closed the door behind it.
Stupid mutt.
Harry was standing by the fireplace, totally silent and his face devoid of any colour. "What's wrong?" Concern tinged my tone.
His eyelashes fluttered and he swallowed deeply, trying to keep the pain out of his eyes.
I stepped closer. "Harry, what is it?" My fingers reached out and brushed against his cheek- a ghost of a touch which I hadn't really thought about. His arms reached up and took hold of my hand, keeping it pressed against his cheek. He closed his eyes briefly, savoring the touch that he felt so rarely. "Harry?" I asked in a whisper, confused beyond belief.
"You can leave tomorrow." he said softly.
Shock flooded me and temporarily I couldn't breathe. "I can leave?" I repeated.
Harry nodded silently, his eyes fixed to the floor. I stepped back, pulling my hand away. "As in - I can actually leave the house- leave?" His nod became even more stiff and controlled. I was too shocked to know what to think.
What am, an idiot? I can get out of here! Shouldn't I be happy?
Only I wasn't.
Confused, I met Harry's eyes and saw all his emotions swirling round.
"Are you okay?" I asked quietly . . . awkwardly.
"Fine." he answered shortly. He didn't look fine - in fact he looked the opposite.
"Um . . . are you sure?" I asked tentatively.
"I said I'm fine, all right? Leave it!" he stormed out the room and I heard a series of muffled thuds as he stamped up the stairs. The door slammed behind him as he entered his room and I winced as the sound echoed through the house.
"Well, that went really well." I muttered sarcastically.
For a second I thought about going after him, but then changed my mind. If he was going to be so childish then he could damn well stay up there. It wasn't my problem.
He could at least be making the most of his last day with me.
Then again, I supposed it was quite difficult for the poor idiot to get over the idea of me leaving . . . I mean, I was the most amazing wizard to ever walk the earth. Who wouldn't miss my cheery manner and my sympathetic listening skills?
Er . . . maybe that was pushing it a little.
I guess I could just blame it on that whole pesky love thing.
***
I shifted my weight for the thousandth time.
Harry had appeared half an hour earlier, a sheepish expression on his face. After apologising profusely he'd settled with me at the kitchen table, a plate of brownies pushed towards me like a white flag . . . an edible white flag.
And we'd sat there since in silence, treating each other like we were perfect strangers.
I was sick of it, but I couldn't bring myself to break the uneasy silence, so instead I stuffed brownies in my mouth like they were going out of style.
Our fingers met as we both reached for the last brownie.
My eyes snapped upwards and met Harry's surprised ones.
"You can have it." I said politely.
"No honestly, it's all right!" he protested.
"No, it's yours!" My mouth was watering at the smell of the chocolate icing.
"I wasn't hungry anyway." Harry assured me.
"You haven't eaten." I reminded him.
"Neither have you." he countered.
"You made it."
"You need it more."
I frowned. "I'm on a diet."
A smile spread across his face. "You don't need to be."
I opened my mouth.
"I insist." he said.
I shrugged. "Okay, then." I took the cake and took a large bite.
His mouth dropped open in outrage.
I smirked slightly- he hadn't been expecting that.
"That wasn't fair." he protested.
"I thought you 'insisted'."
"Yeah but you could have given me a bit!"
"Life's a bitch, isn't it?" I agreed.
He shot me a look that didn't feel quite as angry as it looked.
I munched the rest of the brownie happily.
"You've got some on the corner of your mouth." his hand gestured to the area in question and I felt the ghost of a shiver run through me at his nearness.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"Okay then." I continued chewing, making sure I didn't have any chocolate in my teeth.
"Aren't you going to do anything about it?" he asked finally.
"I was waiting for you to." I said evenly, not letting my voice betray all the feelings that were whirling around inside of me.
His eyes widened slightly as he realised what I was insinuating.
Was I going mad? What was wrong with me? I had no romantic interest in Harry whatsoever and - why was he just staring at me with that shocked expression? Wasn't he going to do anything about it?
I mean I didn't actually want him to or anything but-
Halfway though my inner denial he began to move. Slowly he leaned forward and kissed the corner of my mouth, his tongue gently swirling the chocolate away.
Holy shit.
I nearly whimpered as heat spread through my body. Far too soon he pulled away and met my eyes.
Well, I hadn't been expecting that - I was more thinking he'd wipe it off with his fingers not his tongue.
But I certainly wasn't complaining.
And as soon as I got my ability to speak back I'd tell him that.
I swallowed, trying to get my brain to function, and in the silence panic flickered in his eyes.
"Oh shit." he swore softly. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to. I know that I-"
"Harry." I interrupted him, my voice sounding strange even to myself.
"What?" he asked quietly.
"Shut up."
Shock sparked in his eyes as I spoke.
Driven by the need inside me that was as essential as breathing I grabbed him and slammed my mouth against his. It was desperate, breathless . . . an insatiable craving that couldn't be fulfilled.
Our tongues danced a battle for dominance curving round each other in a way that was unquestionably erotic.
I had to touch him, to feel his skin and kiss and lick every inch of it. His hands slid over me, feeling like they were everywhere at once, leaving me gasping.
I tangled my fingers in his soft, inky black hair, trying to pull him as close as I possibly could.
He tasted of chocolate - a taste that I needed more of. It was electrical, making the hairs rise on the back of my neck and causing me to shiver. His hips bucked against mine, leaving me lightheaded and gasping for breath. The delicious friction made stars erupt in my vision.
I wanted him so much - wanted everything about him. I needed to have him now - before another second passed.
No no no.
This was too fast - too soon.
It took every bit of my inner strength to pull away. The seconds our lips stopped touching the electrical currents in me faded to a warm tingling sensation.
I looked at Harry, trying to work out what the hell he was thinking - trying to work out what the hell *I* was thinking.
"Wow." he breathed, his eyes wide open in shock. "Wow."
Well, that was the understatement of the century.
I hadn't remembered our last kiss as being that intense. But maybe it had been. Maybe it was no wonder that it had left such an impression on Harry. Kisses like that are the ones that change lives.
I tried to get my act together, unused to feeling such reckless abandon. I'd always been calm and level headed in any situation and I was finding it hard to understand why a simple kiss could make me lose my cool.
What was I doing?
I'd asked myself the same question five years ago and I was no nearer to knowing the answer. This was dangerous - this could destroy one or both of us. But I really didn't think that that was going to stop me . . . and I didn't know why.
"Stop it." Harry whispered.
"Stop what?"
"Thinking." he brushed my hair out of my face tenderly. He ran his fingers over my shoulder blade and I nearly passed out as lust flooded my body.
That was it.
Screw going slow.
I wanted him.
No- I needed him.
And this was a risk I was going to have to take.
I needed to know what this was between us - needed to know why I felt this way about him. I stretched my hand out to him, an unspoken invitation that was eerily reminiscent of my outstretched hand eleven years earlier. His eyes staring into mine intently he took it, his palm gently caressing my own and sending shivers spiraling through me.
My fate was sealed.
{I Want to move in time with you I Want to breathe in rhyme with you I Want to feel the deepest kiss And I Want to know you feel like this}
Clasping his hand I turned and led him up the stairs, the mere fact that I was touching him making my heart beating erratically. We reached the bedroom and uncharacteristically, nerves began to flutter in my stomach.
I looked at him awkwardly, the desperate passion had been stalled and I didn't know what to do.
Harry tipped his head to one side slightly and smiled affectionately. Slowly he stepped forward, our bodies so close that I could feel a constant crackle of electricity. Gently he lifted his hand and stroked my cheek. I shivered at the contact, feeling warmth pool in the pit of my stomach.
"You're so beautiful." Harry whispered, leaning forward and capturing my lips in a warm kiss, different from anything I'd ever felt before. It was soft, sweet, almost heartbreaking in its tenderness. The love contained in it made me weak at the knees and I leaned forward onto him so that I didn't fall over.
"Draco," he murmured, "I-"
Quickly I put my finger over his lips, muffling the words I knew were at the tip of his tongue.
"Shh." I could feel his warm breath tickling my fingers and it made the corners of my mouth turn up slightly. "It doesn't matter.
{For this one time, one time Let my body do what it feels For this one time, one time Let this fantasy become real Cos I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me Oh I, no I }
A mischievous look entered his eyes and before I had chance to wonder what it meant, my finger was in his mouth.
I let out a startled exclamation that quickly turned into a desperate whimper as his teeth scraped my skin as he sucked lightly.
"That's not playing fair." I said breathlessly.
"Fair?" he smirked. "Who said anything about playing fair?"
My eyes narrowed. Two could play that game.
My hand gently caressed his cheek, slowly tracing a path over the contours of his jaw and feeling the silken skin on his neck. The palm of my hand moved down, gently sliding over the taught muscles of Harry's chest. My fingertips trailed behind my palm, my nails lightly scraping Harry's skin.
His breath was shallow and he let out a small gasp as I took hold of his hips and pulled him towards me, grinding into him.
"Shit." He swore softly.
{I Want to feel your hand in mine I Want to feel that rush in my spine I Want to wear the scent of you And do All the things you want me to}
"Do you want me, Harry?" The shadows danced on our bodies in the unlit room. "Do you want this?"
His eyes fluttered, his mouth opening and closing as though he was trying to form words. I kissed his neck, sucking on his pulse point, softly at first and then harder, gently biting to mark him as mine.
"Oh God," he moaned, ".Draco."
The sound of his lust-filled throaty moan headed straight to my groin and if possible, I became even more hard.
I took a step backwards, immediately missing the contact, but knowing that I would go mad if he remained fully clothed for another minute. In one smooth move I tugged the shirt over his head, as his fingers scrabbled to undo the buttons on my shirt.
"What do you want Harry?" My voice was a low seductive purr. "What is it that you want?"
He threw his head back, his nails digging into my shoulder. "You."
I smiled.
{So baby this one time, one time Let my body do what it feels For this one time one time Let this fantasy become real Cos I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me}
I pushed him onto the bed, straddling his thighs, kissing a line along his smooth skin.
Wanted him
Needed him
"Draco." He gasped as I shifted my weight and tugged his trousers off. Moving upwards I crushed my lips against his in a searing hot kiss, letting him roll me over so I was at the bottom.
His fingers splayed out across my skin, sliding lower and lower, caressing my stomach and sliding underneath the elastic of my boxers. I inhaled sharply, my hands uselessly gripping the quilt as I held back a cry of pleasure.
His tongue tangled with mine as he sucked gently upon it. My entire body was trembling; the power in his kisses was so intense. I couldn't take it any longer, hadn't ever felt anything like this desperate burning desire . . . this longing.
With a growl I flipped him back over rubbing his obvious arousal with the heel of my palm.
"Draco." he moaned.
"Hmmm?"
"I need you- inside me." He gasped breathily.
I didn't question it- I knew he wanted this every bit as much as I did . . . maybe even more.
Before the moment passed I reached towards the drawer.
"No." he grabbed my arm. "Just do it now."
"But-" I started.
"Now." He gasped, his cheeks flushed and his lips swollen and red.
"I don't want to hurt you." Concern filled my eyes.
"You won't.' His voice was determined. Convinced that his mind was made up I parted his legs, scraping my fingernails lightly over the small of his back.
{I feel the danger The separation I want to take your invitation The separation it's all around I need this side of me}
I positioned myself , looking deeply into his eyes and knowing that this was beyond lust, beyond reality. And in one move I was inside him.
He was so tight and a moan slipped from lips as I pushed slowly into him.
"Oh God." I whispered.
Our bodies melded together, moving as one.
"Harry." The moan slipped from my lips easily.
"Faster." he gasped, grabbing my hips and pushing me deeper inside him.
{This side of me, side of me This side of me Ooh}
Blood pounded through my head as I sped up, making the world pulse. I was suddenly a part of everything and everything was a part of me.
Harry groaned and the sound of it drove me even closer to the edge. I bit down on my lip, wanting to both fight and embrace the feelings that seemed too intense for words.
It was unbearable.
I couldn't stop. I was forgetting myself in him, I couldn't remember why this was wrong, who I was, who I had been.
{I Want to move in time with you I Want to breathe in rhyme with you I Want to stitch my clothes in sin And in the dark I want to find that door and go within}
Needed-
Wanted-
Couldn't-
"Harry." I whispered, losing hold of the world around me and of any coherent thought in my head.
{For this one time, one time Let my body do what it feels For this one time, one time Let this fantasy become real Cos I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me No I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me}
Need
Want
Can't
"Oh God."
Friction
Heat
Need
Want
So close
Can't stop
Have to
Want
Harry
Harry
Harry
Oh God oh God oh God
The world exploded in a fountain of light and my body shuddered as ecstasy like I'd never felt before coursed through my blood.
I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't process what had just happened. I was lost in an expanse of pearly incandescent light, floating in paradise.
Peace flooded through me as two arms wrapped me in a warm embrace. I was safe. Safe and loved.
{Side of me Side of me This side of me Ooh oh}
I felt him press a kiss to my forehead before I drifted off into sleep more easily than I ever had done before - secure in the knowledge that someone was watching over me.
Secure in the knowledge that Harry was here.
***
I watched him sleep, his face for once smoothed of all the cares of the world.
A smile curved his lips and I gently ran my finger over them.
He was so beautiful - I'd never realised it before but he was.
Too beautiful to deserve me.
In the sunlight he looked like an angel, his skin glowing a pale gold. A part of me hoped that he would never wake up because I had never seen anything as incredible as his beauty - it moved me, awoke a part of me I hadn't known existed.
There was a screech of an owl outside the window and in a second I was off the bed, not wanting Harry to be wakened.
Torn between wanting to be quiet and wanting to make the bloody owl go away I fumbled with the window catch. The owl hovered outside, an envelope addressed to me in its claws.
Hesitantly I reached out of the window, bracing myself for the collision with the force field that was bound to come.
Instead, my fingers touched the smooth texture of the parchment.
Startled, I snapped my hand back, accidentally hitting my knuckles on the window frame. I yelped and clutched my rapidly reddening hand.
Well I hadn't been expecting that.
The owl hooted again in impatient irritation and I shushed it, looking anxiously back at Harry. I reached through the window again, this time gripping the letter and taking it.
The owl disappeared in a flurry of feathers and I was left standing in a silent room regarding the letter in my hand.
I turned it upside down, emptying the contents onto the bed.
Two items fell out - my wand being one of them
I picked it up slowly, feeling the delicious shiver of magic at my fingertips.
I'd missed this so much - I'm missed magic. It was in my blood and it called to me constantly- something that could no more be denied than you could not breathe.
The sound of Harry turning over made my head snap round, watching as he screwed his nose up slightly in his sleep.
A feeling of warmth spread over me and a fond smile spread over my face.
He looked younger when he slept, his innocence and purity restored. When he slept you couldn't guess the horrors he had seen. My hand rustling the parchment snapped me out of my thoughts and I turned my attention to the piece of parchment.
Mr. Malfoy - You are now free to leave Harry's house. Your name has been cleared of all charges and you should encounter no problems. Your wand is enclosed and your Manor has been readied for your arrival. I hope, for your sake, I never hear of you or see you again.
Professor Dumbledore.
Well that seemed a bit obvious- he wanted me out of Harry's house.
And quite frankly after two months of being cooped up - I wanted out of Harry's house as well.
Or did I?
I gently touched Harry's hair, feeling ridiculously sentimental.
Maybe I could stay.
I jerked, both at my thoughts and the wistful feeling inside me.
No.
I didn't belong here.
I looked at him again, at his peaceful expression. I'd wreck his life - I knew I would.
I didn't belong with him.
Swallowing hard I leaned over and gently brushed my lips against his forehead as he had done to me the night before.
He murmured slightly and burrowed deeper into the quilt.
"Goodbye Harry." I murmured.
I turned and walked out of the room, feeling pain stab my heart.
A heart I hadn't even known existed until today.
Keeping my face stony and blank I opened the front door, barely hesitating before I stepped outside into freedom, leaving behind the only love and light there had ever been in my life. I was leaving behind the only person who cared about me - the only person I cared about.
It felt as though I was being physically torn apart - torn apart from something or someone who had become a part of me.
And though every nerve in my body screamed for me to . . . I didn't look back.
So there we have it.
Not the end yet though so don't hurt me quite yet.
The song I used is "This Side of Me" by Savage Garden.
Pleeeeeaaaaseee review - tell me what you think, I need to know.
Thanks for reading!
~C~