Praetor
Chapter 7
Rating: R for ideas not everyone will agree with
Disclaimer: I wish
Warning: The following chapter contains elements some people may not agree with or even like. I don't regret writing it as nothing like this has been written before to my knowledge. If you are truly against this sort of thing, I would recommend discontinuing to read this story in the future as the villain has already been defeated and the rest of the tale is more or less romance, but whatever you do please don't send flames that are too harsh.
True love's the gift which God has given
To man alone beneath the heaven:
It is not fantasy's hot fire,
Whose wishes, soon as granted, fly;
It liveth not in fierce desire,
With dead desire it doth not die;
It is the secret sympathy
The silver link, the silken tie,
Which heart to heart and mind to mind
In body and in soul can bind.
― Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)
For an hour or more, she sat on the edge of the small bed and watched him slip from pain-induced unconsciousness to a deep sleep. She breathed a sigh of relief at this. He was healing; he would be all right. Thank Hera.
He looked so peaceful when he slept, the lines of worry smoothing out, his strong features relaxing and giving him a much younger appearance. It was a rare event when she saw him sleep, even rarer that she would study him as she was now without feeling her cheeks heat up or worrying that he would notice. J'onn was a handsome man; she wouldn't be a woman if she denied it and since he was very handsome and she was a woman, she didn't. It didn't hurt that he was asleep and would never know she thought this.
Diana stroked his brow and leaned forward to kiss his cheek, "May your sleep be free of trouble this one time at least," she whispered before straightening and moving off to upright a chair near the window with evening light filtering through the surrounding trees. Evening? So much time had passed already?
It was getting darker by the minute and she really did not want to sit in this place in the dark. It gave her the creeps, she who rarely felt so. She wanted a light of some kind but could she safely build a fire in that old hearth without J'onn waking up? He feared flame after all, but she had no other source for light and he probably would not be waking up anytime tonight. It should be fine where he was concerned.
The hearth itself was a different matter entirely. It was a crumbling old structure but when she stuck her head in and looked up, she could see all the way to the top without any visible blockage. She just needed wood now. Seeing how she was in a forest that would prove no problem.
Scavenging the forest floor for the next half-hour brought a decent pile of dead wood, more than enough to last the night. The fire was easy enough to start by knocking two bit of rock together to catch on some dry brush and eventually she had a goodly blaze going. It quickly warmed the stone cottage and lit the entire room.
It was much later that night, when the moon was high in the star covered sky and she was near dozing that she suddenly remembered the letter that had been given her. Pulling the now much-crumpled envelope from her vest, she looked at it for a long while. Should she read it? Why did he give it to her when he thought he would not make it back? He must have meant for her to read it, why else give it? What did he want to say but could only say it in a letter?
Curiosity getting the better of her, she took a deep breath and pulled out what must have been five or six pages of variously aged paper. Some of the pages were written years ago, others so new they could have been written yesterday.
Holding the paper to the firelight, Diana began to read.
Diana, if you are reading this, I can only assume that I am dead, or worse. I wish with all my being that I had the courage to tell you myself. If only I did. But I was afraid this would destroy our friendship, it means more to me than anything. It would have, there's no doubt in my mind to that. These feelings have been eating away at me for years and now I can only tell you through this damn letter what should have been said in a face meeting. You may not even read this, you probably won't care either way, but it needs to be said…
Does he really believe I don't care about him and what he has to say? What could he possibly say that could destroy our friendship?
I have to tell you this before it drives me insane. I have to tell you that I love you, that I love you to the depths of my soul, to the height of the farthest stars, with all the breath and tears and smiles of my life. I'm sorry.
He loves me? Oh, great Hera… I never would have seen this coming. He loves me… and he's sorry for it?
That first year we met, I believe that was when I began falling in love with you. You were so kind to me, the first to ever show unconditional kindness in any form to one as grossly different as I am and I loved you for that. It was the first thing I noticed about you, the first thing I fell in love with and it was never supposed to evolve into anything else but it did. It evolved very quickly. That kindness was what initially drew me to you but it was your intelligence, your strength, your dignity, your pureness of heart, and your goodness that made me stay and cemented the growing feelings I was developing for you.
Oh gods, I never noticed this before, I never thought he could― how could I have been so blind? I wish I had known you thought this, J'onn. You would have been surprised by my reactions on the matter.
You must be the only one who noticed me for something other than my body… I wish I'd known…
You bewitched me and I dared not tell you. How could I? Our friendship means more to me than life itself and destroying that bond is the last thing I would ever want to do. I suppose that, now, it is the last thing I've done since you now know everything and it's safe to say our friendship is over. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to do this to you. I never wanted to so thoroughly disgust you. Please forgive me. You deserve someone better, someone you can love, someone with humanity. There's so much more you should receive from whoever is blessed enough to be loved by you. That person could never have been me. It should never be someone like me. You deserve to be loved someone more human, someone who will not disgust you. You're a beautiful woman with a stunning soul and I'm so sorry about this letter. Forgive me, Diana.
The letter ended that way. It had been nearly two pages long and had left her confused and with a slight aching in her chest. How can anyone be sorry for falling in love with another person? Did he really think himself so terrible?
She flipped to the next letter, hoping it would contain more clues about this sudden declaration and why he could ever be sorry about love. Why didn't he tell her, because he was sorry? Because he was afraid she would be so horrified that she would end their friendship? Surely he knew her better than that.
Diana had to blink back tears to read the next page that turned out to be a last Will and testament. It wrought more tears because now she was sure he never meant to return alive. He bequeathed all his worldly possessions to the League and gave instructions on how to dispose of whatever remains might be left. He'd planned on dying.
It was the last page that surprised her the most though. She read it twice to make certain she had not misunderstood it. It frightened her more than anything she had ever read before in her life. This was a very recent letter too meaning they were recent thoughts. But how recent? It was terrifying.
It was a suicide letter. He'd planned on committing suicide.
This is the end of this chapter. There won't be any updates for a while because I need to see what people think of this. If no one likes it, that's fine and I'll just leave the story at six chapters, but if, on the rare chance, someone does enjoy this, there will be more chapters. I'm not really expecting anyone to like an idea that's so different from what is 'normal' and will not expect to receive anything good about this chapter. Oh, well.
It was meant to be emotionally laden with the letter and personally, I wept as I wrote it but I doubt anyone else will so much as water up. That's okay, I wouldn't expect it but I would love to get reviews even if they are going to be scathing. Send them anyway, please.