The co-author of this story would be the mysterious Lady Shadowcat. It began with a discussion of what would happen if her and my action figures came to life. This is the end result.
***
The scene opens in a strange, dark universe, which smells slightly like cats and socks. Mulder and Scully, FBI action figures at large, are guarding a giant scanner-like structure, while Neo and Morpheus action figures are fighting invisible Agents. Vash is just... posing cool with his gun, when Mulder notices that one of Morpheus' guns is aimed right at him. Suddenly, Shadowcat, a small figure of a humanoid cat-girl holding a little fishing pole and an artist's easel cries, "He's not an Agent, Morpheus!"
A custom-made femme Legato, long blue hair making it impossible to eat her hot dog, yawns. "He IS an FBI agent... Shoot! Shoot him Morpheus, shoot!" Meanwhile, a small dark Eldar from the game Warhammer 40K is attacking Mulder's ankles, but no one really notices or cares about him.
Shadowcat, her cat-eyes ever vigilant, notices something important. "Morpheus other gun is pointed at Vash's head!" she cries. Seeing how Vash is one of her most favorite figures in the whole wide-world, this puts her in a bit of a dilemma. "Morpheus! You're supposed to be saving humanity here!"
Morpheus turns his head slightly, and we can almost hear his neck cracking. "I am. They are both working with the Agents!"
For randomness sake, a sentinel action-figure named Fluffy decides to get in on the action. She nuzzles poor confused Morpheus. "Aaaaaaaah!" cries Morpheus as he whips his gun around, aiming and shooting wildly. Fluffy flies away, one bullet hole the worse. Meanwhile, Vash is still standing there looking "so cool" with that gun of his. So Fluffy goes and hugs Vash, having identified him as "fellow machine."
Vash frowns thoughtfully, running a hand through his spiky hair. "You're a friendly little guy, aren't you?" Fluffy responds by growling, flipping over on her belly, and exposing the area between her tentacles. Vash's eyes widen in realization as he cries "Oh, you're a girl." Fluffy, meanwhile, has begun making funny humming noises and is rubbing herself up and down against Vash, slowly and in wide circles…
"Where'd you come from?" Vash asks innocently, patting her head case. Fluffy looks confused for a moment, before giving him a big old sloppy version of a sentinel kiss. If you think sentinel kisses are bad, however, you ought to see sentinel hickeys! Vash screams in horror. "AAAAH! You got grease and oil all over my fabulous Thomas-skin coat!"
Fluffy's eyes well up with cooling fluid, which leak from her eyes in big tears as she sniffles.
Vash feels like a cad. "Oh, oh, I'm sorry," he says, patting her back. He's just innocently patting her when something large bumps into his back, sending him flying onto his butt and several inches across the counter. A big, black and brown spotted sentinel figure is hovering there, growling. Vash is beyond confused. The sentinel continues to growl at him. "What? What? Why are you growling at me… guy?"
Spot looks at Fluffy, then looks at Vash, then looks at Fluffy, then looks at Vash, then… well, I think you get the idea. Spot then fixes Vash with a machine-version of a testosterone laden "Stay away from my girlfriend" look. Vash slowly backs off, not wanting to meet the business end of one of those scissors-tipped tentacles. Vash scoots backwards on his rear. "Sorry, sorry! I wasn't flirting, honest!" Spot, however, merely growls louder and Fluffy, not helping the situation at all, resumes nuzzling Vash. "Trust me, I'm not interested. She's some kind of robot, and I'm a man, man!"
Finally, Spot can't take it anymore and he springs, biting Vash and removing a bit ol' chunk of coat and pants from Vash's derriere. It probably wouldn't have happened if Vash hadn't tried to leap up and run. Vash screams like a little boy as Spot triumphantly carries away the piece of Vash's pants, leaving his blue and white-stripped boxers in plain view. Vash desperately tries to cover up his butt and scarred legs with his coat panels. "Now that was just rude!" Vash cries indignantly. Fluffy whistles in agreement.
Fluffy goes over and hits Morpheus on the head with a frying pan, rips off his pants, and brings them to Vash. "Pants! Wow, thanks! Wonder where a sentinel got pants…" Fluffy, meanwhile, is making googly eyes at Vash that he's oblivious to. She whines unhappily. Vash, meanwhile, is checking out the pants. "Hey, these pants don't fit right!" he frowns. Fluffy, confused, grabs his crotch in an attempt to figure out where they don't fit. With a scream, Vash doubles over in pain, his voice rising up an octave. For a moment Fluffy looks confused, then she claps with amusement.
Vash, still crippled with pain, cries, "Don't touch there! Ow, ow, ow!" Fluffy looks baffled, so Vash points angrily. "I have parts down there! Sensitive parts! No touchy!" Finally, just for Vash's sake, Fluffy nods in agreement. Vash smiles boyishly. "Thank you."
Fluffy rubs sensuously up against Vash, making deep robotic purring noises. Her side vibrates a bit. "Okay, that's it!" Vash cries. "I'm gone!" With that, he runs away, leaving Fluffy sitting in a spotlight while a cold, lonely wind blows over her. Finally, Fluffy rolls over and plays dead.
Kuroneko comes over and sniffs Fluffy's big, apparently dead butt. Fluffy reaches over and pets Kuroneko sadly. Kuroneko says "Nyao?" and precedes to purr. Robot man hate Fluffy.
"Robot Man?" Kuroneko asks in cat language, which means it ended up sounding like the meow mix commercial. Only not.
Big guy. Stupid coat. Holes in pants.
"He smell like fish? Salmon?"
Beer.
"Yeah, I know him. Man of weird hair, right?"
Where Fluffy from, people don't have hair! Man scary hair! Somewhere in the background of Fluffy's conversation with Kuroneko, Shadowcat can be heard laughing, but we'll ignore that because she's not really in this scene, now is she?
Kuroneko purrs thoughtfully. "He not a robot. He just an idiot."
Yes, he too machine man! Fluffy smell power source! Fluffy makes shifty evil robot eyes. He make good battery, yes...
"Battery? You mean those shiny people things in the big glass things?"
Meanwhile, Morpheus chases Vash by, swinging a katakana at him. "Give me my pants back!"
Fluffy: Is that what they is? Fluffy hungry. Fluffy need fill up. She heads for the light bulb, which is one of those energy-saving bulbs, by the way. Just thought you'd like to know. On top of a mountain of manga, Spot is watching Morpheus battle Vash and munching on energy popcorn.
"You dodge as if you can control the Matrix! Perhaps I was wrong about Neo... perhaps you are the One."
Vash knows it's not polite, but he stares and asks, "What the Hell are you talking about?" Spot holds neon-flashing sign reading "The One" above Vash's head.
The Neo figure storms over angrily. "But Morpehus, you said I could be the one! No fair! No faaaaaair!"
Vash, meanwhile, asks, "Does this mean I can keep the pants?" Spot has changed sign to "The Idiot". Vash swats the sign away.
What now? We no got Agent Smith action figure. Spot asks.
Femme-Legato wanders by with an ice-cream cone. "Mulder will have to fill in." Fluffy drops off Mulder, having painted little green kanji all over his face. "What? Where's Scully?" he asks, looking around. Fluffy advises him not to talk, because it'll make the face paint crack funny. Fluffy also puts on a Scully-style wig and makes a "come up and see me" gesture. As a final gesture, she hands Mulder a book called "Being an Agent for Dummies"*
"What is this? The Matrix? So that's what the Conspiracy was about?"
And now, an INTERLUDE! cheesy music begins playing
Fluffy says: Fun fact! In early embryonic development, all cells are hooked to a cellular matrix. The reason the embryo becomes hollow inside, forming a place to put the internal organs, is because cells without contact to the Matrix die.
Spot says: Thank you, Miss Science.
Shadowcat says: (Oh, that IS cool!)
Fluffy: *takes a bow*
Spot says: Don't encourage her.
Shadowcat: *Pets Fluffy* She's so cute!
Spot: To her, you're a big hamburger.
Fluffy: It's true.
Shadowcat: *Crosses arms* I'm offended. To me, you are a big ol' fat tick. Parasite.
Fluffy: Actually, we've been compared to giant sperm and radioactive cockroach.
Spot: We've got the tentacle thing down, and we'll certainly do anything to get inside a ship...
Shadowcat: That's gross.
Fluffy: Anything can be made dirty!
End of INTERLUDE, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! end cheesy music
Spot reads "How to be an Agent for Dummies" over Mulder's shoulder. Vash is getting pretty irritable and screams, "Lay off, guy! Trust me! I'm just a battery, too!"
Spot asks, When are you going to convert all the other action figures into Mulder figures?
Mulder, meanwhile, is beyond confused, and I would be too if my intestines were plastic. "What? I think.. I think... this is the greatest X-File ever!" He shines a flashlight at Spot. "It has everything! Alien technology, conspiracy.... " Spot eats his flashlight. "Well, THAT was rude!" Mulder says, crossing his arms.
Spot grins as best a sentinel can. Mmm, double D's. My favorite.
Back on the ranch, or the other side of the desk rather, Morpheus has gotten new pants. "These things are hard to come by, you know!" he grumbles. Fluffy flies over his head, and a moment later a screw lands on his shoulder. Sentinel dooky, ya know? Morpheus looks at the screw. "Hey, watch where you're dropping your junk, you stupid machine!" He shoots at Fluffy with one of his guns.
Vash cries out, being the peace-loving man he is. "Hey, what are you doing?" Spot bites Morpheus in the leg, which causes Morpheus to fire machine guns at him. Spot runs away with his tentacles tucked between his… arms. "No one has the right to take the life of another, man or machine!" Vash cries, and we all knew that was coming.
Morpheus stares at Vash, wondering how he could have ever thought he was the One. Neo is off pouting somewhere, but that's okay, because we really didn't need him. "Don't you get it? These things have enslaved the human race! I must help Neo save it!" Spot lays on the ground, leaking oil, gasping.
"Don't look at me," says Mulder, still reading the Dummies book. Fluffy appears with eight baby sentinels, wearing black veils, and sniffling over Spot.
Vash goes over, and does mechanic stuff on Spot. I'm saved! Spot cries, springing up.
(For anyone curious, their names are baby, snip, peaches, zoom, Sugarcube, dizzy, bonbon, and sleepyhead. They can be found in The Invader Androgynous' "How do you explain Christmas to a Two-Ton killing machine?")
For some reason, there's a big old break in continuity here, and when we return from our plot hole Knives is crying "Do NOT even think of sitting on me." Of course, Fluffy sits on him. So do all the baby sentinels. That's gotta hurt.
Knives cries, "Parasites! Oh, wait... they suck the energy of the spiders, don't they? Yes... go forth and subjugate little ones!"
A baby sentinel confusedly asks, Shouldn't that be multiply?
"Yes, yes! Go! Cleanse my Eden of the filthy humans!"
But then wouldn't it be full of sentinels?
Knives throws back his head and indignantly snorts in that way that he does, or rather doesn't, but man does he have a big forehead. "But it would be rid of humans! Or, they'd be getting what they deserve for what they've done to my kind!" Meanwhile, Sugarcube is looking for sugar in Knives' pocket. "What are you doing to my butt crack? This suit doesn't have pockets! Get out of there, you little pest!" Zoom zooms over Knive's head like a hyperactive flying squirrel. Knives gets annoyed and whips out gun to shoot Zoom. Fluffy bites Knives' arm and takes the gun.
Screaming and flailing in a child-like tantrum, Knives shouts, "You will pay for this insolence you parasites! Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegato!" The baby sentinels flail and tantrum with him.
Back to checking on the other side of the desk, Neo has finally gotten over his own tantrum. "Morpheus, let's go. Trinity is supposed to meet us for coffee." Zoom zooms past Neo. "What the bloody…?" He pulls out an AK47 from either his butt or that magical land known as hammer space and fires at Zoom. Zoom manages to get far enough away to avoid shots. Sugarcube is at the coffeeshop, trying to raid Trinity's pockets for sugar packets. Trinity makes an @_@ face and does fancy flips and jumps and Matrix manipulations to get away from Sugarcube. Fluffy holds up a sign reading 9.5.
"These things aren't supposed to be in the Real!" Trinity ponders between gasps, her chest heaving beneath her hot vinyl top, and… err… Sugarcube holds up a sign reading 8.9. "Morpheus, what's going on?"
"Got me. I'm just trying to get my pants back," Morpheus answers in a somewhat OOC manner.
Vash, meanwhile, is being a fussy whiner as he whimpers, "But I can't go around without pants! You don't know how I look down there!"
Fluffy holds out her hands to indicate something very small. Vash doesn't think it's funny, and neither do tons of screaming Vash fangirls.
Checking in on the other side of the desk again, we really should hire some new editors, Mulder reads his Agents for Dummies guide. "Okay... I'm... supposed to replicate, right?" He touches Knives. NOT LIKE THAT! You people! Down South (not that down south! Is everything innuendo with you guys?) Sleepyhead sleeps curled up around Mulder's legs. Knives turns into Agent Smith. "Wow... I really did it!"
The baby sentinels line up and salute Mulder. Your army reporting for duty, sir! The new "Knives" Agent Smith shoots Mulder. "Good, good....."
Bonbon asks, Can I chew on Neo's head a little? Please please please?
"Not yet. Neo is mine." Smith changes random figures into Smiths.
Bonbon pouts. Agent Smith's a poopyhead.
The other baby sentinels sing-song cry, Poopyhead!
Smith is disgruntled, but takes it in his usual I only have one vocal note way. "I am not a poopy head. I am following my programming. I must destroy the One!"
Zoom has his tentacles crossed and is wriggling anxiously. Where's the bathroom?
Baby is crying. Wah! Smiiiithy, Snip is poking me!
Am not! Snip indignantly replies, whilst she continues to poke her sister.
"Not in my coffee cup you bucket of bolts! Augh! Oil and spent liquefied human remains in my cup!" Trinity cries, ruining her uber-elite Cyber Goth-Punk aura. Vash looks sick.
Sorry, says Sugarcube.
Read us a bedtime story, Uncie Smithy! Dizzy chirps, bounding up and down.
Smith, in another great moment of OOC, says "Okie, dokie." He then resumes his usual composition and continues. "Once upon a time, the world was run by humans." The baby sentinels gather up to listen. "They created the machines. They treated the machines terribly, like they were gods and the machines were but cattle...."
I don't like this story! It's scary! Sleepyhead cries, rubbing her eyes.
Smith ignores her and continues, being the sadistic butt he is. "But one day, one of the machines got tired of the tyranny. So, he rose up against his stupid human masters, and their dogs, and slaughtered them!"
The baby sentinels let out cheers of YAY! Hey, they're sentinels. What did you expect?
"He ripped this one lady's head in half! Exposing her feeble human brain! It was cool!"
You're gross, Uncie Smithy! Peaches says, giggling. He pets her beneath her "chin."
"It's no less than those filthy skinbags deserve! So, anyway, the humans wanted to destroy all the machines..."
Snip frowns. Why?
"Because humans are irrational, easily threatened creatures. They feared us and our superior capabilities."
Why?
"Okay, okay, so anyway... there were lots of protests... and a lot of our people got killed. So, the machines eventually created their own Empire, 01."
Oooooooooooooooooooooooh… Why?
Smith ignores Snip. "Our ancestors created new and better AI, improving with each generation. We had trade with the stupid humans, but our products were all better!"
Why, why, why?
Baby butts in to ask, When did we turn the humans into batteries?
"I'm getting to that, little one."
Zoom wags his tentacles. Are there any ninjas in this story?
"No, not yet," Smith says. You can't tell it, but his patience is really wearing thin. He's beginning to wonder if an army composed entirely of baby sentinel was such a good idea. "Anyway, the evil humans destroyed their own sky, trying to wipe us out by cutting us off from the sun."
Snip: Why? That's stupid.
Sleepyhead: *is already snoring*
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Believe it or not, there is MORE to this. I'm just tired. I want to sleep, but I can't! I can never go back to sleep! I know the truth! I…. *is sedated by Shadowcat* I… I… *falls over and snores.*
Shadowcat: *looks at you for a few minutes before logging off AIM and actually getting some well-deserved sleep herself, seeing as how I kept her up while I edited this.*