Author's Notes: Movieverse spoof. I'm bored, still trying to get back into my writing groove, and... yeah. I don't give a flying fuck about accuracy either. This is a fic about the stupidest, yet most memorable line in RotK. Especially when combined with Leggy's look of "uh-oh, I haven't said anything in awhile" when he finally spoke up. He's like score one for the L team! ...Yeah.

A Diversion!

I think my hair may be getting a tangle. I must take a bath later. I wonder if I have any soap left? If there is none I certainly shall be doomed, and forced to wallow in humanesque stench.

There goes Aragorn, talking again. I honestly cannot understand how Arwen can tolerate being around that brute. Honestly, I swear he hasn't bathed in thirty years. Simply being on the same continent is bad for my complexion... simply horrid. I haven't had a blemish in thousands of years, and then he shows up and one pops up happily scars my perfect, perfect cheek. It is no wonder old Elrond wants them to break up... Imagine the pimples he'll give her.

Ugh. Blah blah blah. Big bag of air. How the hell did he get the hot one? He doesn't bathe. I, however, bathe. Twice a day. With the finest Elven soap. I shave too. I don't think that man even knows what a razor is. Him and the dwarf. Shaving must be unheard of.

Honestly. He is an absolute pig, you can see the BO, and he gets the hot one? And I get, what, the dwarf? There is no justice in the world.

Have you even seen how filthy some of those humans can get? They positively reek. I almost succumbed to the stench back at Helm's Deep, but thankfully Haldir arrived with some special soap, fresh from Lorien.

Oh damn it all, those "cameras" that Gandalf has had following us are looking at me again. Maybe there's some hot girls over there who'll appreciate a well-groomed male?

They must think I'm an idiot. I haven't said anything in hours. I'm no dumb blonde! See, I bathe! I bathe! It's more than you can say for that horrible Neanderthal of a human, hasn't bathed since the day he was born!

But look! He's stealing the spotlight! Again! And he keeps talking. And talking!

Ugh!

Oh, here's my chance! I have to impress the hot ones!

"A diversion!"

Oh yeah. I'm so smart.

Eat that, Aragorn, son of dirty bathsoap!

See, I'm pretty and smart. And I bathe.

Oh dear. I just realized, my roots are showing! Gandalf, you and your accursed cameras! And my blemish! Damn it all, they're seeing me in a dirty moment! I must bathe. And bleach! Bleach! Where's the bleach Gandalf used on his robes?!

Don't tell me, one of the hobbits told Aragorn that it was a sweat enhancer, right?

Soap, soap!

But, at least I'm prettier. Even when I'm dirty. And I bathe!

And I'm a genius.

See, ladies? Beautiful and smart. A diversion. Yes. Didn't think it'd ever occur to that dirty beast.

...I feel another blemish coming on... curses...