My legs gave way beneath me, after an exhausting struggle. I collapsed to the spot where Jesse had stood moments before. I was crying again. Four words soared dynamically through my mind.

WHAT HAD I DONE?!

Reality sunk in. I had lost Jesse. I doubted that I'd ever see him again, and even if I did, he wouldn't want to see me, hey? If only I had told him the truth about how I felt, then his would never have happened! But if I had have told him the truth. I wouldn't only be putting him in more danger. Paul would have mediated him. No, exorcised him. Mediation and exorcisms are two very different things. Mediation is forcing them to think what is keeping them here on earth. Exorcism is forcing them to go whether they like it or not! I couldn't bear it for Jesse to be pushed into with or these things unwillingly. But then Paul threatened something alien to me. I don't know what he said, but it sounded really evil. It was another alternative from mediation and exorcism. And I didn't like the sound of it at all. I kept telling myself between sobs that I'd done the only thing I could to save him from a terrible fate. I had hurt him to save him.

I stood up after what seemed like hours. My legs had strange shooting sensations flickering up and down them, and felt as though they would snap beneath me. I was still crying uncontrollably but there was no Jesse to calm me down anymore. No Jesse to wrap his arms around me, pull he into his strong, protective embrace and tell me it was all right.

There never would be a Jesse again.

And it wouldn't ever again be all right.

This brought me to cry even harder, to think that I'd never again see his warm, welcoming smile, his dark, liquidy eyes, or touch those lips with my own again.

I walked out of the front gate, not caring less whether someone saw me. What did it matter? I had just lost the only person I have ever, and could ever love. I had lost my reason to live, and it was gone forever.

I staggered home, the darkness and gloom of the night suffocating me, fog settling wetly on my hair and arms, so I was shivering. I made my way up the path to the front door, no bothering to climb back up through the window, and slammed the door behind me. Hearing such a deafening noise gave me a fleeting, fierce satisfaction.

'Susie!'

I spun and saw my mother clutching a coffee mug at the kitchen table. She was in a night robe, and looking very tired, and startled. 'Where have you been, Susie, it's past midnight-' she went to say more, but saw my face. '.Oh, honey,' she got up, and pulled me into a big bear hug, the kind only mothers can give. 'Oh, honey, what's wrong. Shhhh.' I cried onto her shoulder for a second, but again, the reality of my life sank in. 'WHAT DOESN IT MATTER?' I screamed at her, jerking from her grasp. She fell back a meter, barely keeping herself from falling on her butt. I felt angry. She acted like she knew everything! Like- just because she'd found two men in her life to love her, she didn't have to be all motherly, as if she knew what I was going through. I was panting and crying again, I knew it. 'Susannah!' she gasped, hauling herself up, but I'd bolted to my room. 'Susannah, please.' Mum's yells died behind me as I slammed my door and threw myself onto the bed, crying.

I knew Jesse wouldn't be there after what I had done to him. I mean, who could blame him? I had broken his heart, but he would have been exorcised if I hadn't have followed along with Paul's deal. But then again, I think that having a broken heart is worse than death. I mean, don't I know it? I can't ever take back what I did to him, and I don't think he'd even let me try, after he'd seen me kissing Paul so thoroughly. That's right. Paul kissed me and I kissed him back. I know, I know. you can stop swearing now.

Considering Paul had left me for dead, and had tried to send Jesse away, this was not good. I endangered my pride to save my Jesse to protect him from getting hurt, but I think that I did the worst thing that I could have done to him. I mean, if he had have been exorcised, at least he wouldn't have had to endure a breaking heart. I knew now that he loved me, the same way I'd loved him, and it was killing me to know that I'd caused someone so precious to me so much grief. I sat against the bed head, a river sleeting down from my eyes steadily. I felt so alone.

I mean, I had only agreed to "go out" with Paul so he'd leave Jesse alone, but it looks like I've just got rid of Jesse in my own way, hey? Listen to me, going on about this? It's all my fault. Not Paul's, I mean, he helped, you know, with all the threats, but I could have stopped all this, if only I hadn't have been embarrassed and scared about having unrequited feelings for Jesse. I was too proud to express them, and now look at me?

I am screwed.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.