August 2003
Lott, Hillaria
Shawna Black woke up, tears streaming down her face. She was fifteen years old now, but it still hurt her to think of that umbrella. It had been so brave, just floating bravely in that big ocean, and knowing it was going to drown, but bravely carrying on nonetheless.
She recounted the events of the past ten years to herself. At the end of the cruise, her parents had disowned her because she lost a pair of fingernail clippers. Senator Swann had taken her in, which was actually a political move on his part, but conveniant for her all the same.
Senators Swann and Norrington (the Elvis impersonater turned Democratic senator from NY) had stolen all of the money devoted to social security for the entire Clinton administration. They then bought Puerto Rico from Clinton, turned out all of its inhabitants, and moved a bunch of European dissidents there.
The capital city of Puerto Rico, which was comprised solely of English- speaking Englishmen, had been renamed Lott for reasons unkown except to the author and the people in the audience who knew the first thing about American politics.
Puerto Rico itself was renamed Hillaria, because Clinton had given Puerto Rico away during the Monica crisis, and had sold it on the condition that it was renamed after his wife. In an addition to a sort of apology for adultury, it gave Mrs. Clinton a good political advertisement.
William Turner, it turned out, was a low-class Englisman from a small town on the Cornwall coast. He was apprenticed to a sword maker, for fencing and dueling were the national sports of Hillaria.
Elizabeth Swann had grown into a beautiful woman, intent on marrying William Turner, despite her father's wishes she marry Senator Norrington. The father's wishes were inspired by two motives: Norrington was a Democrat, and Frederick was a much better name than William.
When she realized Shawna would become her adopted sister, Elizabeth gave her the gold coin that she had found on William a few days before.
It was this necklace that Shawna pulled out of her dresser drawer and fastened around her neck (I mean, where else do necklaces go?). It was not because this necklace looked particularly attractive on her (or anyone, for that matter), but because it was absolutely vital to the plot.
Shawna examined her reflection carefully, but was interrupted by a bussling maid, entering with a corset.
"Why the corset?"
"Because it makes you look thin. Not only does it do that, it gives Disney an excellent opprotunity to make jokes that where cliché long before the movie Titanic was ever filmed."
"There are corset jokes in Titanic?" Shawna asked blankly.
"Not nearly as overt or silly as in our movie, of course, but Rose has to wear a corset."
"Oh. Ouch! I cannot breathe!" said Shawna, as the corset was put on.
"No, no. You must breathe. It is Elizabeth that cannot breathe. You are not Norrington's object of love. She is."
"Oh. Well, in that case, I can breathe."
Shawna went downstairs, and greeted Elizabeth.
"Such an attractive shape for her body," remarked Senator Swann to Shawna.
"Such an attractive shade of blue for her face," murmured Shawna cynically.
"Now today, girls, Senator Norrington is going to be awarded the Silver Tongue Award," said Senator Swann indulgently.
"The Silver Tongue Award?" choroused Shawna and Elizabeth.
"The Silver Tongue Award is awarded only to the best Democratic politicians."
"What does that mean?" Shawna asked suspiciously.
"It means, simply put, that Frederick has managed to fuck everything up and blame it on the Republicans," Swann replied icily.
"Isn't that what all Democrats do?"
"No, no. Some Democrats don't do it very effectively."
"Shawna, you're becoming more Mary-Sueish," announced Elizabeth dully.
"What?" Shawna asked, offended that she should be labeled a Mary Sue.
"The author is stating her opinions through you, and that is a certain sign of a Mary Sue."
"I am NOT a Mary Sue," shrieked Shawna.
"Actually," said the author quietly, "you are. That's your point in this fanfiction. To be a Mary Sue."
Terror and rage crept into Shawna's eyes.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Shawna Black woke up, tears streaming down her face. She was fifteen years old now, but it still hurt her to think of that umbrella. It had been so brave, just floating bravely in that big ocean, and knowing it was going to drown, but bravely carrying on nonetheless.
She recounted the events of the past ten years to herself. At the end of the cruise, her parents had disowned her because she lost a pair of fingernail clippers. Senator Swann had taken her in, which was actually a political move on his part, but conveniant for her all the same.
Senators Swann and Norrington (the Elvis impersonater turned Democratic senator from NY) had stolen all of the money devoted to social security for the entire Clinton administration. They then bought Puerto Rico from Clinton, turned out all of its inhabitants, and moved a bunch of European dissidents there.
The capital city of Puerto Rico, which was comprised solely of English- speaking Englishmen, had been renamed Lott for reasons unkown except to the author and the people in the audience who knew the first thing about American politics.
Puerto Rico itself was renamed Hillaria, because Clinton had given Puerto Rico away during the Monica crisis, and had sold it on the condition that it was renamed after his wife. In an addition to a sort of apology for adultury, it gave Mrs. Clinton a good political advertisement.
William Turner, it turned out, was a low-class Englisman from a small town on the Cornwall coast. He was apprenticed to a sword maker, for fencing and dueling were the national sports of Hillaria.
Elizabeth Swann had grown into a beautiful woman, intent on marrying William Turner, despite her father's wishes she marry Senator Norrington. The father's wishes were inspired by two motives: Norrington was a Democrat, and Frederick was a much better name than William.
When she realized Shawna would become her adopted sister, Elizabeth gave her the gold coin that she had found on William a few days before.
It was this necklace that Shawna pulled out of her dresser drawer and fastened around her neck (I mean, where else do necklaces go?). It was not because this necklace looked particularly attractive on her (or anyone, for that matter), but because it was absolutely vital to the plot.
Shawna examined her reflection carefully, but was interrupted by a bussling maid, entering with a corset.
"Why the corset?"
"Because it makes you look thin. Not only does it do that, it gives Disney an excellent opprotunity to make jokes that where cliché long before the movie Titanic was ever filmed."
"There are corset jokes in Titanic?" Shawna asked blankly.
"Not nearly as overt or silly as in our movie, of course, but Rose has to wear a corset."
"Oh. Ouch! I cannot breathe!" said Shawna, as the corset was put on.
"No, no. You must breathe. It is Elizabeth that cannot breathe. You are not Norrington's object of love. She is."
"Oh. Well, in that case, I can breathe."
Shawna went downstairs, and greeted Elizabeth.
"Such an attractive shape for her body," remarked Senator Swann to Shawna.
"Such an attractive shade of blue for her face," murmured Shawna cynically.
"Now today, girls, Senator Norrington is going to be awarded the Silver Tongue Award," said Senator Swann indulgently.
"The Silver Tongue Award?" choroused Shawna and Elizabeth.
"The Silver Tongue Award is awarded only to the best Democratic politicians."
"What does that mean?" Shawna asked suspiciously.
"It means, simply put, that Frederick has managed to fuck everything up and blame it on the Republicans," Swann replied icily.
"Isn't that what all Democrats do?"
"No, no. Some Democrats don't do it very effectively."
"Shawna, you're becoming more Mary-Sueish," announced Elizabeth dully.
"What?" Shawna asked, offended that she should be labeled a Mary Sue.
"The author is stating her opinions through you, and that is a certain sign of a Mary Sue."
"I am NOT a Mary Sue," shrieked Shawna.
"Actually," said the author quietly, "you are. That's your point in this fanfiction. To be a Mary Sue."
Terror and rage crept into Shawna's eyes.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"