Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, its money Disney got
from making it to begin with, any of the either sexy or non-sexy actors, or
anything else that might even be remotely associated with it. I also do not
own any of the parts in here that I have taken word-for-word (except for
the characters' names) from any other source, however arcane and unknown to
the audience it may be, except for a few AIM conversations I've had. So-do
not sue me, I beg of you. That includes you, Tom Clancy, for stealing your
style of chapter headings.
WARNING: This is a Mary Sue fan fiction. It is meant to be a Mary Sue fic. The main character is meant to be a fair-haired, light-eyed, girl from America.
WARNING #2: This fan fiction is in some extent politically correct, but only in mocking of that particular leftist system (or is it a Democratically inspired government program?). If you take offense to either me being politically correct or me mocking political correctness, please e- mail me and tell me the exact nature of your complaint.
Author's Note: I have changed several things to the storyline, such as the profession and nationality of the Swanns and the time, for example. These alterations were made for special reasons that might or might not become apparent to you.
Author's Note #2: This fic requires stretching of the imagination. Yes, I know that umbrellas do not have the anatomical characteristics that I have ascribed to them. And I know that animals of two different species cannot mate and have fertile children, and I do know that umbrellas are not a species or alive, anyway. As I said before, use that imagination.
August 1993. A Cruise Liner in the Caribbean
Eight-year-old Elizabeth Swann was watching the moonrise over the deep blue Caribbean Sea. She was on the lowest deck that still was above waterline, and she was thinking about the good-old, swashbuckling days where innocent cruise liners such as the one she was on were looted by pirates who carried innocent girls such as herself off to be slaves at their special pirate sanctuary. She turned to her father, who was drinking cheap beer and trying to look sophisticated at the same time. Elizabeth said, with all the naïve seriousness of a third-grader, "Daddy, I want there to be pirates."
Senator Swann was surprised by this. He turned to his daughter, and said, in a Bronx accent, "But there are pirates, Lizzy. Haven't I taught you about the Republicans?"
"But, Daddy, you said before that they were blood-sucking leeches, not pirates."
"Partisan attacks are ignorant," said a small voice from the right of Elizabeth. Senator and Elizabeth Swann turned to look at the five-year-old who had spoken. This kindergartener had long blonde hair and bright green eyes, and it was obvious from these eyes that she was a very intelligent blonde.
"They are not ignorant," retorted Senator Swann huffily, slamming his cheap beer bottle on the table that was located conveniently nearby, "unless they are made by Republicans."
Elizabeth, who had grown bored with the conversation, looked at the moon over the sea again. Politics were soooo boring, anyway. She sighed, forgetting the moon and looking down into the water. If only her daddy weren't a senator, and if only he had a bit more romance about him. They would be able to live in Manhattan or one of their various cottages around the country for the full year round, not in stuffy Washington, DC. This was the Swann's first vacation since June, which was by far too long for them to not have a vacation.
Unfortunately for her, a small, open umbrella in the water soon interrupted Elizabeth's thoughts. She thought that this was a very odd thing to be in the water. I mean, the umbrella could get hurt in all that water, or it might even drown. While she was wondering how to persuade her father to jump into the water after an umbrella, the toddler and her father continued to argue.
"Now, see here, you are by far too young to understand anything about the nature of partisan attacks made against Republicans, or Democrats for that matter. It is a delicate nature of the media and political correctness!" Swann raved. In the process of raving, however, he knocked over his cheap beer. It fell (because it had been knocked over, remember?) and spilled (because the cap wasn't on, you know) onto his new $14,000 shoes.
Swearing, he rushed back into the ship in order to change his shoes.
The toddler turned to Elizabeth, who turned to the toddler.
"There is an umbrella in the water," declared Elizabeth solemnly.
"My name is Shawna," stated the toddler simultaneously.
"That's nice, but there is an umbrella in the water."
"I'm glad you care about my name, and let's see what we can do about this umbrella in the water."
Shawna and Elizabeth peeked over the side of the boat once more, and the two saw two different things.
Elizabeth saw a boy floating on a raft, and Shawna saw the umbrella.
And the umbrella saw Shawna. Really saw Shawna.
The two made eye contact, and that lasted for an eternity. Well, if three seconds can be an eternity. It would have been more than three seconds, of course, but Elizabeth shrieked,
"THERE'S A BOY IN THE WATER!"
"What boy?" Shawna asked, absently.
"THAT boy, the boy in the suspiciously Georgian clothes floating on a raft made of wood, even thought that's silly, as this is nearly the year 2000!"
"And that was a sentence very badly put together, and should have been used in the narration to describe the boy," said Shawna coolly. She was pissed off, because the umbrella had disappeared, and she had not been able to watch it go because of the boy.
"Oh," said Elizabeth.
An Elvis impersonator came flying out the nearest door. Well, not literally flying. That's anatomically incorrect, although umbrellas making eye contact is, too. But this is an anatomical detail that needs to be attended to, whereas personification is necessary in the case of an umbrella. The first sentence in this paragraph should read:
An Elvis impersonator came from the nearest door, running at a very high speed. "I will save the boy," he said gallantly, and jumped into the water. A few minutes later, he came back, this time with the boy who was dressed in 1700s clothes.
"Here is your boy. If this had been a real cruise ship, instead of a setting in a very silly Mary Sue fanfic, the boy and the raft would have been left behind long before I could even have come out to save him. Don't forget that the raft probably would have been swept underneath the cruise ship, too."
Senator Swann returned, this time with a glass of cheap wine to go with his now replaced shoes. He still had the air of pretentious sophistication about him, along with a glass of Bordeaux bottled the year before. "Hello, Elizabeth. What has happened here while I was away?"
"Well, first there was an umbrella in the water, then there was a boy in the water, and then there was a guy who saved the boy in the water, but not the umbrella," explained Elizabeth.
"And now," cried the Elvis impersonator eagerly, "there is a burning ship in the water, and there is a black-sailed ship sailing away at an abnormally high pace."
"Dear, dear, this is all very tiring," sighed the Senator. "Mr. Elvis Impersonator, please take the boy to the ship doctor. And, Elizabeth, watch over him. It won't do a whit of good for my marriage plans for you, but it will work wonders for the plot."
Mr. Elvis Impersonator grinned. "My actual name is Frederick Norrington. I will do your bidding with pleasure."
While Norrington was licking Sen. Swann's boot, Elizabeth was talking to the boy and stealing his possessions.
"I am Elizabeth Swann. Do not be afraid," she said in the authorative voice that most would reserve to an angel of the Lord.
"William Turner," whispered the boy pathetically, and fainted.
"Most unbecoming to the hero of the story," muttered Shawna.
After the boy fainted, Elizabeth took a necklace from him. "Thanks," she whispered to the unconscious boy.
Senator Swann smiled indulgently at Norrington, and walked off to another deck.
Only Shawna remained, staring out at the horizon. She had tears in her eyes, tears for losing her umbrella.
WARNING: This is a Mary Sue fan fiction. It is meant to be a Mary Sue fic. The main character is meant to be a fair-haired, light-eyed, girl from America.
WARNING #2: This fan fiction is in some extent politically correct, but only in mocking of that particular leftist system (or is it a Democratically inspired government program?). If you take offense to either me being politically correct or me mocking political correctness, please e- mail me and tell me the exact nature of your complaint.
Author's Note: I have changed several things to the storyline, such as the profession and nationality of the Swanns and the time, for example. These alterations were made for special reasons that might or might not become apparent to you.
Author's Note #2: This fic requires stretching of the imagination. Yes, I know that umbrellas do not have the anatomical characteristics that I have ascribed to them. And I know that animals of two different species cannot mate and have fertile children, and I do know that umbrellas are not a species or alive, anyway. As I said before, use that imagination.
August 1993. A Cruise Liner in the Caribbean
Eight-year-old Elizabeth Swann was watching the moonrise over the deep blue Caribbean Sea. She was on the lowest deck that still was above waterline, and she was thinking about the good-old, swashbuckling days where innocent cruise liners such as the one she was on were looted by pirates who carried innocent girls such as herself off to be slaves at their special pirate sanctuary. She turned to her father, who was drinking cheap beer and trying to look sophisticated at the same time. Elizabeth said, with all the naïve seriousness of a third-grader, "Daddy, I want there to be pirates."
Senator Swann was surprised by this. He turned to his daughter, and said, in a Bronx accent, "But there are pirates, Lizzy. Haven't I taught you about the Republicans?"
"But, Daddy, you said before that they were blood-sucking leeches, not pirates."
"Partisan attacks are ignorant," said a small voice from the right of Elizabeth. Senator and Elizabeth Swann turned to look at the five-year-old who had spoken. This kindergartener had long blonde hair and bright green eyes, and it was obvious from these eyes that she was a very intelligent blonde.
"They are not ignorant," retorted Senator Swann huffily, slamming his cheap beer bottle on the table that was located conveniently nearby, "unless they are made by Republicans."
Elizabeth, who had grown bored with the conversation, looked at the moon over the sea again. Politics were soooo boring, anyway. She sighed, forgetting the moon and looking down into the water. If only her daddy weren't a senator, and if only he had a bit more romance about him. They would be able to live in Manhattan or one of their various cottages around the country for the full year round, not in stuffy Washington, DC. This was the Swann's first vacation since June, which was by far too long for them to not have a vacation.
Unfortunately for her, a small, open umbrella in the water soon interrupted Elizabeth's thoughts. She thought that this was a very odd thing to be in the water. I mean, the umbrella could get hurt in all that water, or it might even drown. While she was wondering how to persuade her father to jump into the water after an umbrella, the toddler and her father continued to argue.
"Now, see here, you are by far too young to understand anything about the nature of partisan attacks made against Republicans, or Democrats for that matter. It is a delicate nature of the media and political correctness!" Swann raved. In the process of raving, however, he knocked over his cheap beer. It fell (because it had been knocked over, remember?) and spilled (because the cap wasn't on, you know) onto his new $14,000 shoes.
Swearing, he rushed back into the ship in order to change his shoes.
The toddler turned to Elizabeth, who turned to the toddler.
"There is an umbrella in the water," declared Elizabeth solemnly.
"My name is Shawna," stated the toddler simultaneously.
"That's nice, but there is an umbrella in the water."
"I'm glad you care about my name, and let's see what we can do about this umbrella in the water."
Shawna and Elizabeth peeked over the side of the boat once more, and the two saw two different things.
Elizabeth saw a boy floating on a raft, and Shawna saw the umbrella.
And the umbrella saw Shawna. Really saw Shawna.
The two made eye contact, and that lasted for an eternity. Well, if three seconds can be an eternity. It would have been more than three seconds, of course, but Elizabeth shrieked,
"THERE'S A BOY IN THE WATER!"
"What boy?" Shawna asked, absently.
"THAT boy, the boy in the suspiciously Georgian clothes floating on a raft made of wood, even thought that's silly, as this is nearly the year 2000!"
"And that was a sentence very badly put together, and should have been used in the narration to describe the boy," said Shawna coolly. She was pissed off, because the umbrella had disappeared, and she had not been able to watch it go because of the boy.
"Oh," said Elizabeth.
An Elvis impersonator came flying out the nearest door. Well, not literally flying. That's anatomically incorrect, although umbrellas making eye contact is, too. But this is an anatomical detail that needs to be attended to, whereas personification is necessary in the case of an umbrella. The first sentence in this paragraph should read:
An Elvis impersonator came from the nearest door, running at a very high speed. "I will save the boy," he said gallantly, and jumped into the water. A few minutes later, he came back, this time with the boy who was dressed in 1700s clothes.
"Here is your boy. If this had been a real cruise ship, instead of a setting in a very silly Mary Sue fanfic, the boy and the raft would have been left behind long before I could even have come out to save him. Don't forget that the raft probably would have been swept underneath the cruise ship, too."
Senator Swann returned, this time with a glass of cheap wine to go with his now replaced shoes. He still had the air of pretentious sophistication about him, along with a glass of Bordeaux bottled the year before. "Hello, Elizabeth. What has happened here while I was away?"
"Well, first there was an umbrella in the water, then there was a boy in the water, and then there was a guy who saved the boy in the water, but not the umbrella," explained Elizabeth.
"And now," cried the Elvis impersonator eagerly, "there is a burning ship in the water, and there is a black-sailed ship sailing away at an abnormally high pace."
"Dear, dear, this is all very tiring," sighed the Senator. "Mr. Elvis Impersonator, please take the boy to the ship doctor. And, Elizabeth, watch over him. It won't do a whit of good for my marriage plans for you, but it will work wonders for the plot."
Mr. Elvis Impersonator grinned. "My actual name is Frederick Norrington. I will do your bidding with pleasure."
While Norrington was licking Sen. Swann's boot, Elizabeth was talking to the boy and stealing his possessions.
"I am Elizabeth Swann. Do not be afraid," she said in the authorative voice that most would reserve to an angel of the Lord.
"William Turner," whispered the boy pathetically, and fainted.
"Most unbecoming to the hero of the story," muttered Shawna.
After the boy fainted, Elizabeth took a necklace from him. "Thanks," she whispered to the unconscious boy.
Senator Swann smiled indulgently at Norrington, and walked off to another deck.
Only Shawna remained, staring out at the horizon. She had tears in her eyes, tears for losing her umbrella.