August, 2003.
Lott, Hillaria.
Ten minutes after the last word in Chapter Two.
While her father was trying to calm Shawna down, Elizabeth slipped out of the house, and ran after William.
"Good day, William! Did you know that it is exceedingly difficult to speak and breathe, except to you?"
"No, Miss Swann."
"Call me Elizabeth."
"No, Miss Swan."
"Call me Elizabeth, damn it! I cannot believe you're rejecting my friendly overtures!"
"No, Miss Swann, and I suggest that you start believing it."
"Good day, Mister Turner. I hope you feel the full effect of my biting use of Mister." She turned and flounced back to the house.
"I missed it, Elizabeth."
Shortly thereafter, Senator Swann, Elizabeth Swann, and Shawna Black went to Senator Frederick Norrington's award ceremony.
Meanwhile, Jack Sparrow's dramatic entrance was performed expertly.
The comedy of this scene is commonly lost on fan girls. You see, they are too busy obsessing over the eyeliner. Even intelligent girls, who are commonly unaffected by fangirlism, get obsessed over Johnny Depp's eyeliner. One would think that they have something better to do than obsess over eyeliner, but apparently they do not. For some reason dreadlocks and eyeliner are major turn-ons. It is also interesting how many people have the exact same fetishes.
Anyway, as the comedic effects of Jack's entrance scene were lost on the eyeliner obsessed fan girls, Jack landed on the dock. However, it was not a wooden dock. It was made of concrete. The worst kind of concrete. The sort of concrete found in the Soviet Union, Ukraine, Czechoslovakia, Poland, Hungary, and other Iron Curtain countries.
But, being Communist concrete, it was made very badly. As Jack stepped out onto the dock, the dock itself collapsed, and he landed in the water. "Damn," he said irritably as he was submerged.
He emerged from the water-without any eyeliner.
"NO!" shrieked the fan girls. "NOT A JACK WITHOUT ANY EYELINER!"
The author rolled her eyes.
"WE ARE COMING TO KILL YOU!" the fan girls shrieked to the author.
"I thought so," the author said dryly. "That's why I'm in an undisclosed location-in a fan girl-proof bunker."
"GRRR!" shrieked the fan girls again.
To make a long story short, everybody ignored the fan girls.
Jack climbed onto the remains of the Communist concrete dock, and came face to face with two members of the Hillarian National Guard, the local military force.
"Greetings," said the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"Welcome," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"How are you today?" asked the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"What are you doing today?" asked the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"You have to answer a few of our questions," said the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"We would love it if we could escort you to a place where you could answer questions," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
Jack looked confusedly at them. "Why?" He looked suspiciously at their uniforms, which were hot pink and sea green.
"Mum's the word," said the first Hillarian guard mysteriously.
"To be precise: dumb's the word," added the second Hillarian guard in a serious voice.
Jack went along with the two members of the National Hillarian Guard, to a badly built concrete building.
"Fill these out," directed the first Hillarian guard, giving Jack a stack of papers.
"What the hell are these?"
"Bureaucratic barriers designed to keep you out of our country," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"Okay," Jack said, and he began to fill them out. "Hey, aren't these just those surveys that teenagers with nothing better to do with their lives fill out online?"
"Yes. From livejournal."
"And deadjournal."
"And blurty."
"And xanga."
"No, not xanga."
"Yes, xanga."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
Jack slipped out as the two members of the Hillarian National Guard argued over xanga, and climbed onto a reproduction of either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. He then started to lift up the anchor and prepare it for sailing.
The Hillarian National Guard did not pick its members for their intelligence, and, unlike the actual movie, the HNG did not notice that Jack was making off with one of their ships.
Meanwhile, the most amusing of all scenes in the movie (to people who like corset jokes, anyway) was taking place:
"I really do love you, Elizabeth. I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you," Senator Norrington said.
"Pedophile!" croaked Elizabeth, gasping for air.
"Well, I even love you more now that you're eighteen."
"You're old enough to be my father," Elizabeth gurgled.
"That means I will love you even more, because I have even more years of ungiven love in me."
Elizabeth was about to reply to this, when Shawna (who had actually been there all along) pushed her into the water, and jumped in after her.
Jack, meanwhile, had already started sailing. He was right next to the cliff when the two girls landed in the water, and accordingly jumped overboard to save at least one of them.
This being a Mary Sue fic, he saved Shawna instead of Elizabeth. Shawna, who had much gratitude for his effort, slapped Jack straight across the face, knocking him into the water.
"Damn it!" Jack said as he splashed in the water again. "Well, I might as well save the other tart." He accordingly rescued Elizabeth from the water, and threw her up onto one of the concrete docks, which broke immediately upon the arrival of her weight.
The HNG pulled Jack from the water and arrested him.
Shawna watched all this from the ship (either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria, remember) with great satisfaction. "I cannot believe that Johnny Depp tried to save me without his eyeliner on," she said at last.
While her father was trying to calm Shawna down, Elizabeth slipped out of the house, and ran after William.
"Good day, William! Did you know that it is exceedingly difficult to speak and breathe, except to you?"
"No, Miss Swann."
"Call me Elizabeth."
"No, Miss Swan."
"Call me Elizabeth, damn it! I cannot believe you're rejecting my friendly overtures!"
"No, Miss Swann, and I suggest that you start believing it."
"Good day, Mister Turner. I hope you feel the full effect of my biting use of Mister." She turned and flounced back to the house.
"I missed it, Elizabeth."
Shortly thereafter, Senator Swann, Elizabeth Swann, and Shawna Black went to Senator Frederick Norrington's award ceremony.
Meanwhile, Jack Sparrow's dramatic entrance was performed expertly.
The comedy of this scene is commonly lost on fan girls. You see, they are too busy obsessing over the eyeliner. Even intelligent girls, who are commonly unaffected by fangirlism, get obsessed over Johnny Depp's eyeliner. One would think that they have something better to do than obsess over eyeliner, but apparently they do not. For some reason dreadlocks and eyeliner are major turn-ons. It is also interesting how many people have the exact same fetishes.
Anyway, as the comedic effects of Jack's entrance scene were lost on the eyeliner obsessed fan girls, Jack landed on the dock. However, it was not a wooden dock. It was made of concrete. The worst kind of concrete. The sort of concrete found in the Soviet Union, Ukraine, Czechoslovakia, Poland, Hungary, and other Iron Curtain countries.
But, being Communist concrete, it was made very badly. As Jack stepped out onto the dock, the dock itself collapsed, and he landed in the water. "Damn," he said irritably as he was submerged.
He emerged from the water-without any eyeliner.
"NO!" shrieked the fan girls. "NOT A JACK WITHOUT ANY EYELINER!"
The author rolled her eyes.
"WE ARE COMING TO KILL YOU!" the fan girls shrieked to the author.
"I thought so," the author said dryly. "That's why I'm in an undisclosed location-in a fan girl-proof bunker."
"GRRR!" shrieked the fan girls again.
To make a long story short, everybody ignored the fan girls.
Jack climbed onto the remains of the Communist concrete dock, and came face to face with two members of the Hillarian National Guard, the local military force.
"Greetings," said the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"Welcome," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"How are you today?" asked the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"What are you doing today?" asked the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"You have to answer a few of our questions," said the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"We would love it if we could escort you to a place where you could answer questions," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
Jack looked confusedly at them. "Why?" He looked suspiciously at their uniforms, which were hot pink and sea green.
"Mum's the word," said the first Hillarian guard mysteriously.
"To be precise: dumb's the word," added the second Hillarian guard in a serious voice.
Jack went along with the two members of the National Hillarian Guard, to a badly built concrete building.
"Fill these out," directed the first Hillarian guard, giving Jack a stack of papers.
"What the hell are these?"
"Bureaucratic barriers designed to keep you out of our country," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.
"Okay," Jack said, and he began to fill them out. "Hey, aren't these just those surveys that teenagers with nothing better to do with their lives fill out online?"
"Yes. From livejournal."
"And deadjournal."
"And blurty."
"And xanga."
"No, not xanga."
"Yes, xanga."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
Jack slipped out as the two members of the Hillarian National Guard argued over xanga, and climbed onto a reproduction of either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. He then started to lift up the anchor and prepare it for sailing.
The Hillarian National Guard did not pick its members for their intelligence, and, unlike the actual movie, the HNG did not notice that Jack was making off with one of their ships.
Meanwhile, the most amusing of all scenes in the movie (to people who like corset jokes, anyway) was taking place:
"I really do love you, Elizabeth. I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you," Senator Norrington said.
"Pedophile!" croaked Elizabeth, gasping for air.
"Well, I even love you more now that you're eighteen."
"You're old enough to be my father," Elizabeth gurgled.
"That means I will love you even more, because I have even more years of ungiven love in me."
Elizabeth was about to reply to this, when Shawna (who had actually been there all along) pushed her into the water, and jumped in after her.
Jack, meanwhile, had already started sailing. He was right next to the cliff when the two girls landed in the water, and accordingly jumped overboard to save at least one of them.
This being a Mary Sue fic, he saved Shawna instead of Elizabeth. Shawna, who had much gratitude for his effort, slapped Jack straight across the face, knocking him into the water.
"Damn it!" Jack said as he splashed in the water again. "Well, I might as well save the other tart." He accordingly rescued Elizabeth from the water, and threw her up onto one of the concrete docks, which broke immediately upon the arrival of her weight.
The HNG pulled Jack from the water and arrested him.
Shawna watched all this from the ship (either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria, remember) with great satisfaction. "I cannot believe that Johnny Depp tried to save me without his eyeliner on," she said at last.