Author's Note: This chapter requires a bit of an explenation, so-Yeah.In
the movie, the Black Pearl sort of randomly shows up at Port Royal and
starts blowing it up, so I decided to explain why it was, while doing a
sort of mocking of American.political discussion. And this is the part (I
think) where I start inserting random British slang, sometimes it's
explained, sometimes it's not. Get used to it. And I apologize for
misspelling impersonator in Chapter One.
August, 2003. The Black Pearl
Captain Barbosa stared solemnly out over the Caribbean horizon, clutching an apple in his left hand.
"Alright, me 'earty crew," he said, turning around to face his hearty crew. "This is the point in the story where we get ready to attack Lott. Now, for some reason unbeknownst to the audience, we know exactly where the last piece of Spanish gold is and who has it."
"How do we know who has our gold?"
"Because it calls to us."
"I don't 'alf 'ear it," muttered the pirate with the eyeball that is always falling out. "Are you sure you're not invading a sovereign nation on faulty intelligence?"
"My intelligence is not for the general public to see," sniffed Barbosa.
"We're not the general public," protested another member of the crew.
"Yeah, we're your-"
"You, me 'earties, are simply my grunts. It's better for the men on the ground to be stupid imbeciles who know nothing about what they are about to do," said Barbosa, throwing his apple at the nearest crewmember.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, the Aztec medallion actually might never have existed!"
"Yeah, how do we know it even did exist? It might just be lies told by the CIA!"
"Actually, the CIA posted a report online that said that the said medallion never existed."
"Well, we simply created the problem of the curse."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" demanded the entire crew, looking at the crewmember who said that they had created the curse.
"Well, if we created the curse, we have to live with it, don't we? It's really like the United States invading Iraq. The US gave them the WMD to begin with-"
"I thought you just said that the WMD never existed to begin with!"
"The said WMD were just lies told by the CIA!"
"I thought that was the Aztec gold."
"No, the WMD were just lies told by the administration so that it could get cheap oil."
"Oh, yeah? Well, how come oil prices have risen after the war?"
"The war isn't even over!"
"It's another Vietnam!"
"The UN won Vietnam!"
"SHUT UP!" screamed Barbosa. The crew all looked embarrassed. "You are not political bureaucratic hacks in Washington; you are stupid pirates on a ship. We are cursed men, are we not?"
"AYE!" shouted the pirates.
"And since this is a Disney movie, even the bad guys get redemption, right?" demanded Barbosa, who would later be killed off by Disney.
"AYE!"
"So the curse has to end, right?"
"AYE!"
"Which means, of course, that we have to make the curse end, so that the plot can move on, right?"
"AYE!"
"And since the hero and heroine, as well as the Mary Sue, have to get involved with the bad guys somehow, it's logical to suppose that the stolen gold would be in their possession, right?"
"AYE!"
"So what are we waiting for?"
"A mandate from the United Nations!"
"Excuse me, WHAT are we waiting for?"
"NOTHING!"
"There you go, me 'earties."
And so the Black Pearl set out for Hillaria.
August, 2003. The Black Pearl
Captain Barbosa stared solemnly out over the Caribbean horizon, clutching an apple in his left hand.
"Alright, me 'earty crew," he said, turning around to face his hearty crew. "This is the point in the story where we get ready to attack Lott. Now, for some reason unbeknownst to the audience, we know exactly where the last piece of Spanish gold is and who has it."
"How do we know who has our gold?"
"Because it calls to us."
"I don't 'alf 'ear it," muttered the pirate with the eyeball that is always falling out. "Are you sure you're not invading a sovereign nation on faulty intelligence?"
"My intelligence is not for the general public to see," sniffed Barbosa.
"We're not the general public," protested another member of the crew.
"Yeah, we're your-"
"You, me 'earties, are simply my grunts. It's better for the men on the ground to be stupid imbeciles who know nothing about what they are about to do," said Barbosa, throwing his apple at the nearest crewmember.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, the Aztec medallion actually might never have existed!"
"Yeah, how do we know it even did exist? It might just be lies told by the CIA!"
"Actually, the CIA posted a report online that said that the said medallion never existed."
"Well, we simply created the problem of the curse."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" demanded the entire crew, looking at the crewmember who said that they had created the curse.
"Well, if we created the curse, we have to live with it, don't we? It's really like the United States invading Iraq. The US gave them the WMD to begin with-"
"I thought you just said that the WMD never existed to begin with!"
"The said WMD were just lies told by the CIA!"
"I thought that was the Aztec gold."
"No, the WMD were just lies told by the administration so that it could get cheap oil."
"Oh, yeah? Well, how come oil prices have risen after the war?"
"The war isn't even over!"
"It's another Vietnam!"
"The UN won Vietnam!"
"SHUT UP!" screamed Barbosa. The crew all looked embarrassed. "You are not political bureaucratic hacks in Washington; you are stupid pirates on a ship. We are cursed men, are we not?"
"AYE!" shouted the pirates.
"And since this is a Disney movie, even the bad guys get redemption, right?" demanded Barbosa, who would later be killed off by Disney.
"AYE!"
"So the curse has to end, right?"
"AYE!"
"Which means, of course, that we have to make the curse end, so that the plot can move on, right?"
"AYE!"
"And since the hero and heroine, as well as the Mary Sue, have to get involved with the bad guys somehow, it's logical to suppose that the stolen gold would be in their possession, right?"
"AYE!"
"So what are we waiting for?"
"A mandate from the United Nations!"
"Excuse me, WHAT are we waiting for?"
"NOTHING!"
"There you go, me 'earties."
And so the Black Pearl set out for Hillaria.