August, 2003.
On either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria
Shawna felt lonely. She was on a great big ship, and all alone. Plus, she didn't know how to sail it. Thankfully, this ship hadn't yet floated entirely out of the port of Lott-yet. But it was close. Just a few more yards, and she'd be out on the Spanish Main.
Realizing that the wide expanse of the Caribbean would mean certain death for her, she started putting her last affairs in order. In the captain's cabin, she had found a pen and paper.
"Dear Person Who Finds My Dead Body,
"My name is Shawna Black. After being rescued by Johnny Depp without eyeliner, I was stranded on this ship, and starved to death.
"I can only say that I am very grateful to Senator Swann for taking me into his care after my parents disowned me for losing a pair of fingernail clippers, and that I feel like a right burk for shoving Elizabeth into the water in the first place.
"I shoved her into the water because I was jealous. She has dozens and dozens of suitors, and the only person who's ever shown romantic interest in me, even though I *am* the beautiful and intelligent Mary Sue in the story, wasn't a person at all. It was an umbrella.
"I still remember those three seconds where we made eye contact. I can see that brave umbrella, bravely keeping its handle above water, but knowing all the while that it was an hopeless situation.
"I only hope that I can be as brave as that umbrella was so many years ago.
"All my possessions are to be left to Elizabeth, except for the eyeliner, which is to be left to Johnny Depp.
"S.B."
No sooner had she scrawled the last swirl on her "B" than did the Black Pearl come streaming past her, into the harbor.
"It's a ship," Shawna stated. "HEY, SCARY BLACK PIRATEY LOOKING SHIP!" she called. "COULD YOU SAVE ME?"
Barbosa and his entire crew looked at Shawna.
"She's rather pretty," murmured the pirate whose lousy eye is a running joke in the movie.
"Let's save her," said his friend.
Deciding it would be a good thing (for whatever reason), Barbosa gave the two pirates permission to save Shawna. "Now, the rest of you, kill, rape, pillage, plunder, murder, slaughter-" here he pulled out Roget's Thesaurus "-sack, loot, ransack, raid, rifle, rop, pilfer, ravage, maraud, despoil, fleece, strip, and otherwise damage the town, me rapacious 'earties!"
"Wot does rapacious mean?"
"Shut up, would you, and burn the town down. OPEN FIRE!" Barbosa said, indicating the cannon.
The pirates accordingly opened fire, and Shawna was rescued from the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.
Shawna felt lonely. She was on a great big ship, and all alone. Plus, she didn't know how to sail it. Thankfully, this ship hadn't yet floated entirely out of the port of Lott-yet. But it was close. Just a few more yards, and she'd be out on the Spanish Main.
Realizing that the wide expanse of the Caribbean would mean certain death for her, she started putting her last affairs in order. In the captain's cabin, she had found a pen and paper.
"Dear Person Who Finds My Dead Body,
"My name is Shawna Black. After being rescued by Johnny Depp without eyeliner, I was stranded on this ship, and starved to death.
"I can only say that I am very grateful to Senator Swann for taking me into his care after my parents disowned me for losing a pair of fingernail clippers, and that I feel like a right burk for shoving Elizabeth into the water in the first place.
"I shoved her into the water because I was jealous. She has dozens and dozens of suitors, and the only person who's ever shown romantic interest in me, even though I *am* the beautiful and intelligent Mary Sue in the story, wasn't a person at all. It was an umbrella.
"I still remember those three seconds where we made eye contact. I can see that brave umbrella, bravely keeping its handle above water, but knowing all the while that it was an hopeless situation.
"I only hope that I can be as brave as that umbrella was so many years ago.
"All my possessions are to be left to Elizabeth, except for the eyeliner, which is to be left to Johnny Depp.
"S.B."
No sooner had she scrawled the last swirl on her "B" than did the Black Pearl come streaming past her, into the harbor.
"It's a ship," Shawna stated. "HEY, SCARY BLACK PIRATEY LOOKING SHIP!" she called. "COULD YOU SAVE ME?"
Barbosa and his entire crew looked at Shawna.
"She's rather pretty," murmured the pirate whose lousy eye is a running joke in the movie.
"Let's save her," said his friend.
Deciding it would be a good thing (for whatever reason), Barbosa gave the two pirates permission to save Shawna. "Now, the rest of you, kill, rape, pillage, plunder, murder, slaughter-" here he pulled out Roget's Thesaurus "-sack, loot, ransack, raid, rifle, rop, pilfer, ravage, maraud, despoil, fleece, strip, and otherwise damage the town, me rapacious 'earties!"
"Wot does rapacious mean?"
"Shut up, would you, and burn the town down. OPEN FIRE!" Barbosa said, indicating the cannon.
The pirates accordingly opened fire, and Shawna was rescued from the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.