Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno. Evangelion is the property of said creator, its publishers and distributors. No infringement is intended. This is a work of fanfiction and no profit is being made.
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Warning: This is a work of humor. Nothing contained within is intended to offend or hurt any person or group. Besides, if you can be offended by what's written below what the hell are you doing reading an Evangelion fic in the first place?! My apologies for what you are about to read... sanity truly is a fleeting mistress... Enjoy!
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Glotasia Raver
Chapter One: Glow with the Flow
Tokyo-3... the City of Angels... well, Angel's of the willing to destroy all of humanity in order to be reunited with the one called Adam... only, to realize that's not Adam crucified to that big-ass cross but Lilith, progenitor of those called the Lilium... meaning MANKIND! Yeah, you heard me... MANKIND... meaning US! I don't know what's worse... the idea that we evolved from a single celled organism into freaking monkeys only to become generations later the caring, loving individuals we all are today (Can you hear the sarcasm? Oh, I guess not... cause your reading this on a website meaning no sound... Oh, my bad!) or that we came from some giant ass white thing locked up in the basement of the most psychotic organization ever known to man... variety.
But, back to the point... Tokyo-3, home of NERV (said psychotic organization) and more importantly home of one Shinji Ikari: Child, Savior, Winny-Little Bitch, and Stock Clerk. Oh, I bet I know what you're thinking... "Winny-Little Bitch?! No, not my Shinji!" (Once, again can hear the sarcasm... Oh, yeah, you can't... sorry.)
But, yes it's true, Shinji Ikari, son of Gendo: part time obsessive compulsive, full time pimp and Yui Ikari: one time Diva, now the living soul of a humanoid fighting machine. Yes, Shinji Ikari, the overnight stock clerk and cashier at Tokyo-3's 7-11.
You see it all started early one morning, Shinji was in full-on whipping boy mode as he went about preparing breakfast for his three roommates: Asuka "The Red Devil" Soryu, Misato "Just one more drink" Katsuragi, and Pen "I'm the Real Slim Shady" Pen.
You must realize Shinji isn't your average young man, no hardly... he is a man with a secret, a dark secret, a secret so shocking, so horrifying, so taboo, that just uttering it can make a grown man cry. And, that secret is... that he's 14 going on 15 and he has not one... NOT ONE... dirty magazine under his bed...
A moment please... so that those who have passed out can rejoin the rest of us...
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All right, on with the show...
Well, Shinji being a boy at that age... you know the age where you keep all your emotions bottled up till you can't take no more and as a result you kill the only person ever to say they love you, only then in a moment of guilt, self-pity, and utter desperation... not to mention horniness... you spank it over the comatose body of your female roommate and fellow pilot, only to finally realize how truly fucked up you really are. Come on, we all know the type...
Anyway, being a man or something along those lines, Shinji realizes that there's only one way to remedy to this unholy transgression on his behalf... he needs to get a job so he can by some.
Now, I know what you're thinking... "But, if he's that hard-up why don't he just put on the freaking TV, you know... Prime-time, Cable, HBO, Sex in the freakin' City!!! Or, better yet he can log on to that wondrous creation called the Internet."
Yeah, well, you're right but if it was that simple... WE WOULDN'T HAVE A STORY NOW WOULD WE?! Exactly, so... who feels dumb?! Come on, who's a dummy? Who's a big dummy?! Yes, you are... Yes, you are... Oh, come on, don't look at me like that... just admit it. No one's going to make fun of you... well, except me but that's besides the point.
So, anyway, with his mind made up, Shinji is about to face his greatest challenge yet... greater than facing any Angel... greater than tolerating Asuka's bitchy attitude... greater than trying to get Rei to crack a smile... greater than... Oh, speaking of Miss Ayanami, she will be playing a major role in the plot of this story. So, all of you Asuka-lovers can stop reading right this minute... Yeah, I said it... So, what you going to do about it?! Yeah, you... I'm talking to YOU...
Ok, I'm sorry... No, really... I'm truly sorry, I have no idea what came over me. Well, I have theories, but... nevermind. But, truthfully, I love Asuka and Rei, really... I mean can't we all just get along? I mean in the end, we all want the same thing... to watch as Shinji stammers and self-loathes himself into their hearts, making Asuka kind and Rei happy, while wishing the whole time that it was that easy for bums like ~You... and me... I'm so ashamed!!!~ to get a babe in real life.
Yes, that's what I thought... I knew a peaceful solution could be reached... little do they know that Hikari is his one true love: Together We Stand and Survival of the Fittest rule!!!
Anyway, I promise equal time spent between both girls... Not That Type of Time You Perverts!!!
So, as I was saying... greater than not starring at Misato's chest... he was about to become a part-time, minimum wage worker... Yes, I know... the horror of it all.
And, with his mind made up and his determination at an all time high, Shinji did the unthinkable... he smiled.
"Hey! What are you smiling about, Dumkouf!" Asuka yells, causing Shinji to lose his fragile grasp on his momentary sanity.
"No... nothing, Asuka." he quickly stammers turning to face the fiery-haired vixen.
"Yeah, right... You probably did something perverted with my panties and where remembering the sick pleasure it graced you with!" she says, her voice sounding more hopeful than accusatory.
"Shit! How did she... Asuka, I'd never..." Shinji yells, his thoughts betraying the truth.
"Oh! Your so boring... Anyway, where the hell's my food?!" she says, her voice shifting from disappointed to furious in a nano-second.
"Oh, sorry! It's right here... Mistress." he replies, mumbling the last part.
"What was that?!" Asuka asks, her hearing much better than she lets on as a slight smile spreads across her lips.
"Nothing." Shinji quickly replies, he swears he saw a smile but quickly decides that it's only further proof of his slipping sanity.
And, so begins yet another day in the life of Shinji Ikari: Pilot of Evangelion Unit01 and would-be Savior of Humanity...
Yeah, I know... We're fucked!
To Be Continued...