It had been a mistake, a horrible, poorly thought out mistake. He should never have gone, he would have been happier not knowing. The vision of her and of him, it would haunt Severus until the day he died, alone and crying for Hermione.

The last several years had taken a toll on him, emotionally, physically. It had been nearly four years of loneliness and solitude, endless nights with only the memory of her for company. His self-imposed exile had been wearing down his resolve.


He had tried to free himself of her, attempted to move on with his life, as he expected she would do. There had been other women. For a while, he had made his way to Hogsmeade and the Three Broomsticks almost nightly. There had been polite dinners and pleasant (albeit forced) conversations with socially acceptable witches. Drinks and humor shared with some of the questionable women of the tavern. There were even a few nights filled with whiskey and the sweat of some not-so-socially acceptable witches. With enough alcohol and galleons it was easy enough to close his eyes, imagine Hermione, and ride the wave to completion.


It had been following one such encounter that he followed the whore back down the steps into the tavern. His eyes had met with Harry Potter's; the younger wizard was sitting at the bar with a tankard of ale. Green eyes had settled on the disheveled and obviously used woman first and then on Severus. Harry had halfway smiled at the sight, shook his head in disgust, dropped a galleon on the bar, and left. Severus was sure that blasted snowy owl of Potters was gliding through the night sky within an hour. That had been Severus' last encounter of such nature. In fact, he had not been seen away from the castle, socially, since then.


That had been nearly three years ago. Three years of evenings he spent alone. Salazar tried to entice him into a game from time to time, but it wasn't the same. Three years of nights in a cold bed, with only dreams of her keeping him company. It had been the yearning for her, the empty spot in his life where once she had filled, that had finally driven him to do something so stupid, so desperate.


Another large gulp of whiskey burned its way into his gullet. Severus stared into the cut crystal, the amber liquid pulsing with the firelight shining through it. Now, truly, this was the only thing left, the only thing to look forward to. With a groan, Severus tilted his head back against the velvet upholstery of the top of the chair, closed his eyes, and thought back to what had led him to this, the destruction of his hope.


It had been four weeks ago when the owl came. He shared his meals with the staff because Albus expected it. Mornings in the Great Hall were an exercise in monotony. The owls arrived precisely at 7:30 every morning, sweeping in through the eaves of the rooftop designed specifically for them, dropping their bundles precisely (usually) where they belonged, and leaving again with barely a loose feather dropped.


Severus' bundle normally consisted of potions' periodicals and the occasional note about some miraculous finding from one colleague or another.


Potter, of course, usually had a huge stack of letters from his many enamored admirers. Severus had been horrified to discover that Harry was to remain at Hogwarts, filling the position of Muggle Studies Professor. It never ceased to amaze Severus how fame and fortune had never died down for Harry. There was an endless line of females (and some males) vying for his attentions. He received many invitations for speaking engagements, offers for various book deals, and new job offers in exciting locations. Still, much to Severus' chagrin, Harry remained at the castle, and seemed happy in the relatively quiet life that the school provided.


For almost four years, Harry Potter also received letters from Hermione. Once a week said letters would be read out loud at the breakfast table. Severus was sure it was Harry's way of punishing him for hurting Hermione. Little did he know that just the fact there was no letter for Severus was punishment enough. Still, Harry persisted in entertaining the table with Hermione's tales of university, stories of her social life, and recitations of her outstanding grades (which Severus secretly reveled in). Harry obviously chose which passages of the letters to read and Severus could never help but wonder what went unspoken.


It was the first Wednesday in May when the owl arrived, bearing with Severus' ticket to hell.


His bundle of mail dropped onto the table in front of him. A glance to his right and he saw the telltale sage green of Hermione's stationary sitting in front of Professor Potter. Severus reached out and took up his mail. While he opened the envelope on the top of the stack, he waited for Harry to begin speaking and fill them in on the current news of Hermione.


He wasn't really reading the letter in front of him. His mind was preoccupied. Potter was reading silently, that was not a good sign. At the same moment Harry's eyes darted frantically to the Potions Master, Severus finally realized what he was looking at.
It was an invitation, the like of which he received periodically. As a Potions Master he was informed of any new and exciting developments in his field. It seemed there was a new potion breakthrough. An elite team of students from Hermione's university had developed a potion they claimed would reverse the effects of Crucio, effectively turning the curse against the caster. Severus' presence was requested, as it often was, at an inquiry of the student team. The Master's would be allowed to interrogate the students and try to find any weaknesses or holes in their research. The student names were listed at the bottom, Hermione's among them.


Severus offered no explanations as he left his seat quickly and headed for the dungeons. Panic was gripping him, robbing him of any ability to speak or to breathe. He had the opportunity to see her, to see the woman she had become. Her years as a student were nearly over. He knew she had seen the world. He heard of her travels over and over again at the Head Table. Perhaps it was time?

Maybe he would confuse her with his presence? Harry had not spoken of what Hermione's plans were when she graduated next month and Severus refused to ask. Would she really want him sweeping back into her life, coming to claim her as if she were his property?


Still, it was a chance to see her, to be in the same room with her. Maybe, he would even to get close enough to her to smell her perfume. Any small part of her that he could grasp would ease his longing a bit, wouldn't it?


It didn't take long to formulate a plan. The organizer of the symposium was the longtime dean of the university. As such, all arrangements for payment of Hermione's tuition had been made with him. He had proven himself trustworthy in that, to the best of Severus' knowledge, Hermione had never been told of the nature of her Scholarship.


The plan was simple. An owl to the dean and ten days later Severus found himself sitting at the conference. His name tag read: Gavin Jones- Florida, United States. A carefully applied glamour and Severus had blond hair, blue eyes, a perfect not-too-large nose, and a dark tan. To complete the "package" Severus had perfected what he hoped was an acceptable southern United States drawl.


The panel took several long hours, answering questions and defending their hard work. Hermione was confident as she sat in the first chair, heading up the team. Severus asked no questions. Instead he sat, staring dumbfounded at the beautiful witch on the stage. She was still the Hermione who had been his student, and yet, she was not. Her voice was deeper now, smooth and confident as she fielded question after tough question. Her thick hair had been pulled back to the nape of her neck in an attempt to look more professional. The young woman he had fallen in love with had fallen away and in her place sat a self-assured beauty.


Finally, around the noon hour it was announced that the question and answer period was over. After a brief break for lunch, the Masters would be allowed to view the potion, take samples for testing, and view some demonstrations. Severus watched as the students filed off the stage and out a side door.


For several long moments, he sat there, unable to move, trying to process what he had seen that morning. Even if he had not had the history with Hermione that he had, Severus would have been drawn to her. She was beautiful, knowledgeable, intelligent, and exuded a silent confidence of self. Now, so close to her once again, he was drawn to her. He couldn't fight it. In fact, he didn't even want to try. She had done what was asked of her, been educated and lived her life. Now, it was time to see what the future held for them. He only hoped that it was not too late.


His resolve was made. Severus rose from his seat and left the auditorium. He needed to find some privacy, somewhere to drop the spells and become himself again. A turn to the right and he found himself in an empty corridor. A few more strides and he could see the hall turned to the left. Severus made the turn and stopped, pulling out his wand and preparing to lift the glamour. It was at the last second, right before the words to end the magic fell from his lips, that he heard the laughter.


In his haste, Severus had failed to notice that two figures stood silently in the shadows further down the hallway. He couldn't see the fine details of their faces or bodies, but he knew her laugh. He could also see enough to realize that Hermione was now in the arms of another man. Severus' wand clattered to the ground, causing the entwined pair to pull apart quickly and move away from the wall Hermione had been pinned against.


Severus stooped quickly to retrieve his wand. Before he could turn and flee, the couple had come past him, walking quickly, clearly embarrassed at having been discovered. Severus recognized the wizard with his arm around Hermione's waist. It was another student on the panel. His name was Aubry Something-or-the-other and had sat in the seat next to Hermione's. Hermione's face was red with humiliation. She didn't even look in Severus' direction as they passed, hoping to avoid the discomfort of facing the person who had found her in such a situation. Severus could see her hair had pulled free from its bindings and flowed down to the top of her buttocks. He also couldn't help but notice how puffy and red her lips were, telltale signs of having been recently and thoroughly kissed.


The need to tear her from the wizard's arms was almost overwhelming. Severus fought down the urge to pull her away, apparate and mark her as his own. His hand was shaking where it grasped his wand.


The couple turned the corner of the corridor and disappeared from his sight. Severus' eyes slipped shut and he breathed in the lingering, faint scent of her. The fury gave way to despair as the reality of what he had witnessed sank in. He had lost her.


Severus wasted no time apparating away from the university hallway. The glamour was dropped the second he reached the Hogwarts grounds. He moved quickly toward the main doors, hoping against hope that he could reach his quarters before he broke down.


He should have known that Albus and Harry would be waiting just inside the front doors.
Severus struggled to appear impassive. "I suppose the two of you know where I've been?"


Albus smiled gently, "We were able to put a few things together, Severus, yes."


Harry's eyes were suspiciously hard. "I suppose you saw her then?"


Severus smirked, "Oh, yes. I saw her."


Harry was curious, carefully pressing for more details of their encounter without giving away any of his own information. "Did you speak?"


Severus' dismay turned rapidly to anger at the wizards who were attempting to pry into his personal life. "No, Mr. Potter, I did not speak to her. Her time was being monopolized by a handsome young wizard. But, I suspect you already knew that. Now, if you will excuse me I have some personal matters to attend to.

As he descended the steps into the foundation of the castle, he heard Potter's voice call out. "You said you wanted her to live. She only did what you told her to do."


Moments later a resounding 'slam' echoed back up the staircase.


Somehow he had made it through the first night. Severus had been sure the grief was going to keep squeezing around his chest until his heart finally burst. The decanter of whisky on the side table was his only saving grace. Sunday was lost to him, a haze of alcohol, anger, and tears. Salazar had done his best to try and pull Severus out of his pit. All the ghost had succeeded in doing was having himself banned, magically, from the Potions Master's quarters.


When he awoke Monday morning, it was to a pounding head, a cotton-filled taste in his mouth, and the rank smell of vomit dried into his clothing.


He hadn't bothered shaving, just showered perfunctorily and was soon buttoned into his safe, high-necked shirt and frock coat. He did his best to fall into a routine of taking out his anger on the students (which was hardly something notable) by day and trying his best to forget the world with his bottle shaped, amber-filled friends by night.


And so, here he sat. Classes were over for the summer. Hermione's time at the University was over. Absently he scratched at the beard, which now donned his face. Most wizards grew them when they were older, but what difference did it make now? Severus chuckled grimly. It didn't matter if he looked forty or a hundred and forty. Nothing mattered, only the colors reflected from the firelight through the crystal and only the burn down his throat.


Albus and Sal were sitting quietly by the fire in the Headmaster's office when Harry burst into the room. "She's on her way. She'll be here with her stuff on the morning train."
Albus smiled sadly. "I fear it won't work. She graduated a week ago. He will know she was asked to come, that she didn't come back to him immediately."

Salazar waved a transparent hand and scoffed. "Ahh, all the little wench has to do is get down on her knees, open up that pretty mouth, and…"


"Shut up, Sal." Harry and Albus' voice were as one. Harry continued on, excitedly, "That's just it, Albus. We had a long talk while I helped her finish packing. FINISH packing; she was already halfway packed when I arrived. She was packing to come here. She was delayed tying up some lose ends of her personal life and finishing up finalizing the potion licensing agreements. She was coming to him."


Albus considered the words, and a brief shimmer of hope shown in his eyes. "Let us hope she will be able to convince him of that."