Chapter Two: The Difference Between the Man and the Child

Gaignun shifts in his chair, unfolding long limbs in his usual graceful manner. He's dressed in a flattering blue suit, in the Kukai fashion that has become popular everywhere. He looks like a man who has everything, and yet, is unspoiled by what he has. His manner is both reserved and friendly; both cautious and generous. Every move he makes is deliberate. Every word he speaks is intended for one effect. To disarm the listener. To strike where they are the weakest. I've seen him at work. Hell, I've been a victim of his sorcery once or twice. I've watched him break even the most disciplined mind. He is a master at unraveling secrets, but he is perhaps the greatest secret of them all. I often wonder if anyone could ever touch a man like him. A man who knows what's inside your heart even before you know it yourself.

As we sit in his office facing each other in our customary standoffish way, the similarities in our features are easy to spot. The difference in attitude, though, is like night and day. My legs are already twitching, but I fight the temptation to get up and pace the length of the room. Besides my limited patience, I have innumerable bad habits and no desire to curb them. My language needs cleaning up and my temper needs cooling down. Gaignun would say, perhaps, the most aggravating thing about me is my tendency to shoot first and ask questions later. He has a backlog of complaints from all over the sector to sift through thanks to me. The way I see it, my day is not complete without annoying Gaignun. Although, it's far too easy sometimes.

Gaignun is wearing his usual mask of boredom. His handsome features never betray the slightest thought, but I know him better than anyone. He's watching me closely, trying to assess my current mood. Am I as fit as I say I am, or am I hiding something? I might know him better than anyone; but, unfortunately, it works both ways. He can sense when I'm not being up front with him in half a heart beat.

You haven't been sleeping, he states, flatly.

I'll deal with it, I reply, casually, turning my attention to the scene outside his window. The weather is nice today. The weather is always nice here, even when it rains, but today the sun almost feels real.

You've been dealing with a lot these days. Mary can complete this mission on her own. You could use some time off.

You're dismissing me? You know there's nothing I can't handle.

He raises an eyebrow in that infuriatingly patient way of his and sighs. Of course. I wasn't referring to anything of the sort. I only thought that you might want to pass on this operation. It's nothing important, anyway. I was thinking of saving you the boredom.

I smirk, restlessly tapping my fingers on the the arm of my chair. The best thing for me right now is to focus on work. Get my mind off things. I'll retrieve that stolen shipment and be back in no time.

Hmm, so you do admit that something has been bothering you?

I turn to glare at Gaignun and abruptly get to my feet. What is it with everyone lately? I feel like I'm living under a microscope. Everyone keeps asking me how I am.

Gaignun stops me with those soothing tones of his. The ones he uses to pacify and hypnotize. Albedo... An image springs sharply to mind. A flash of silver. I shake my head at Gaignun, filled with disgust.

Don't say that name. Not out loud and not in my head.

If all is well as you say, then why get so defensive over someone who means so little?

Damn you, Gaignun, stop twisting things around. He doesn't mean anything to me and I certainly don't worry about him. I could kill him right now without hesitation.

I am angry. Furious. Gaignun should know better. I can't even stomach the thought of that creep. He shouldn't have said that name.

Gaignun looks sad and weary. He is quiet for a while, remembering something. His expression is serious suddenly. There is a hard glint in his eyes that seldom see. This is the man who carries the scars of battle. This is the man who learned as a child that sacrifices are never easy. As he speaks, it is without anger or bitterness, making me regret my selfish outburst.

When you came back from Proto Merkabah, you were different. Something changed. You even walked differently. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I think I understand now. I worried that you lost part of yourself back there, but now I see it's purpose that drives you. So much so, that you're forgetting to hide behind pretense and you've been showing your true age. All your thoughts and energies are being diverted to one goal. You want to finish him off that badly?

I cross my arms in front of me and lower my eyes to the floor. I wasn't about to argue with him. He read me too clearly. To deny his words would be to lie to myself. I did feel older. At least, I felt more the age I should be. I didn't know if I was more mad at Gaignun for guessing the truth, or myself for letting that lunatic affect me this way. That bastard whose name I can't stand to hear.

I slowly raise my eyes and look across the room at Gaignun. His eyes were a deep shade of green, more welcoming than my bristling blue and his hair was coal black unlike my fiery red, but we were essentially the same. In Gaignun, I could see myself as a man. I wonder how similar our dispositions would be if I had chosen a different route. If I had grown up. Would my volatile nature have mellowed? Would I have learned to still the rage that sometimes clouds all reason. Gaignun smiles sadly at me and for the first time, I realize how painful a reminder my own face must be to him. I am the living memory of the ones we lost. And here I thought, I was only hurting myself.

Selfish Rubedo.

Would there be no redemption for me, after all this time? No grace or quiet dignity bestowed to me like what was given Gaignun? No, that is not fair. Nothing was ever given freely. It was all hard won and without complaint. This is what makes Gaignun the better man. This is the difference between us and the reason why the years have not left their mark on me mentally and emotionally. I haven't accepted who I am. I might have boldly gone through life and I might have recklessly faced all kinds of challenges, but it's all been a distraction to keep me from looking too deep inside... at the man within the child. The man who is still a child at the very core and as such, still believes there are monsters in the closet.

I'm sorry.

Gaignun is startled by my apology. For what?

For being such a jerk lately.

You're too hard on yourself. You have nothing to prove to anyone here. I wish you would try to remember that.



I am right, aren't I? You're ready to change?

It's already started, I admit, unable to look him in the eye. You can't tell anyone.

Gaignun's expression reveals nothing, but I can sense that he doesn't like keeping this quiet. He gets to his feet and comes around the desk to clasp my shoulder in the fatherly way that I hate.

People are bound to notice.

Let them notice.

Gaignun is laughing quietly. I see.

What did I say?

Nothing. I was thinking of a certain someone who might find the changes quite acceptable.

Who are you talking... Hmph, never mind. I don't want to know.

He's laughing louder now.

I glare at him and turn away. Well as long as you're not worried about me anymore, I'll be on my way.

You're still going?

It may be a run-of-the-mill operation, but it's infinitely more interesting than hanging around here.

Gaignun chuckles and shows me to the door. Just like that, we've resolved our differences. He lets me go with no more than a note of warning. As always, it's not what Gaignun says, or even what you tell him. The real meaning is hidden behind the words, in your reactions and your hesitations. I know I have probably given him enough information to mull over for a week. I walk out of his office feeling as if this was just the beginning of many more encounters to come. Gaignun's ever watchful eye follows me to the elevator. Return safely, Rubedo. I nod at him as the doors slide shut. Nigredo. You know I always do.