Chapter Four: Madmen and Monsters

Smoke.

Everywhere I turn there's smoke. Can't see where I'm going. Have to hurry. Have to hurry and find...

Missing...

Someone's missing. Who? Where is this? Miltia? No. Different. Different than Miltia. Nobody but me here.

Wait.

Somebody else here, too... Somebody laughing. I feel like...

Killing.

Rubedo. Come get me. I'm waiting...

Shut up! I'll kill you. I swear.

Little red-haired, Rubedo. You really should learn to control that temper...

Where are you?! Albedo!!! Show yourself!

I'm right here...

The smoke clears. Silver hair. Cruel smile. There's someone else... someone in his arms.

Do you see, Rubedo? Do you see what you couldn't prevent?

Momo...

She was such a good little girl. Didn't even scream once... pity.

Momo...

She was so sweet.

No.

No...

NO!!!

My screams are swallowed in the waking, absorbed into my shaking body. Convulsions. I feel like throwing up. Fucking nightmares. No matter how many times I have them, I can't get used to them. God, that one was the worst yet.

It's hours before my hands stop shaking. So angry. I want to break something. Badly. Like the neck of a certain white-haired freak. Shit, I'm even scaring myself, now. Got to calm down. Got to breathe. Before I burst a vein. Or two.

After my pulse returns somewhat to normal, I kick the sheets off and roll out of bed. As always, the energy in my system is spiking off the meter. I could almost bounce off the walls. Can't stay still, no matter how many stupid lessons in meditation I take. So I pace. There's a nice pattern worn into the carpet to show for my efforts.

It is getting worse. Before this aging thing, when I held back time, I could keep the energy bottled up. I just appeared to be nothing more than a hyper-active kid in everyone's eyes. But now... now that I'm letting time move forward, my powers are fluctuating, getting out of control... getting stronger. I realize, suddenly, that I might be moving too fast. I don't know exactly what a normal rate of growth is.

It's been weeks since we came back from that nearly fatal operation, the one that damaged my A.G.W.S. for good. Mary was nice enough to come with me to the scrap yard for a final farewell. We watched in silence as the machines compressed it into a neat little bundle and then along it went into the furnace to be melted down and made into something new and improved, no doubt. It was about time I got a new toy to play with, anyway. Still, I realize that starting over was something I needed. This new perspective of mine was damn infuriating at times, though. I can't believe that I'm actually finding myself agreeing with Gaignun more. He even approved of the way I've been maturing. I almost choked when he used that word. It doesn't seem natural.

The days have been quiet lately. News of disputes always infiltrate the peaceful atmosphere here, but for the most part, Kukai and all things related remain unaffected. Even though large portions of the Foundation are still under construction from the last Gnosis attack, the economy hasn't suffered too much of a blow. It's never easy to accept loss, but slowly and surely, life always returns to fill the streets with smiles and laughter.

Often, these days, I think about her. I wonder what she's doing and where she's going. Who she's sharing her smiles with. The last I heard, Shion and her brother had taken her halfway across the galaxy to Vector. Something about that cyborg guardian of hers. And of course, she wanted to be closer to her mother. I hope that those two will finally resolve things, but somehow, I doubt it. The heart of the child wants only to be loved, but what happens when the parent is afraid of the child? I hope for her sake that she never knows how her mother feels. It would crush her. She's still mourning the loss of her father. Not his death, exactly, but the realization of what he really was. A monster. And a madman. She worshipped him. She loved him. It seems she will always attract these types. Because of her purity.

I scowl just thinking about such things. It makes me feel like a dirty old man. But it's not that way... I don't think of her that way. I don't know how I think of her, but it's not like that. Damn it. My thoughts never quite crystallize around her. They are always so indecisive. So random. Because she's a mystery. The child that was both a blessing and a curse. I know so well how she feels.

The nightmare is still happening in the back of my mind. My hands clench into fists at my sides. Am I like those others? Am I a monster, too? Is that why I feel drawn to her? Because I'm darkness and she is light? But I don't want to hurt her. I only want to protect her. The way I protected Nigredo. She reminds me of him when he was younger. Both like birds with a broken wings. And when they fly away... it's almost worth the pain to watch them go.

It's revenge that I'm nursing now. I can't think about her. When I'm done with my revenge, then maybe I will find the answers... But I know... I know the price of such a thing, revenge. I've been around long enough to know that even the purest of intentions is easily corrupted when vengeance is concerned. Who am I really doing all this for? My fallen brothers? Gaignun? Or her? Maybe it's myself. There is no hiding from that fact. I want that lunatic dead. But I can't let myself become obsessed. He was obsessed. He enjoyed making me suffer. I won't be like him. I won't enjoy killing him, but I can't help thinking that both of us might find some peace if one of us is dead.

When morning comes, I shower and dress, then casually make my way to Gaignun's office to see what trouble I could scrounge up. There is nothing interesting happening anywhere. It puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I spend the morning down by the shops sniffing out potential A.G.W.S. There's a new model from Vector that is quite promising. The price tag alone will be sure to raise Gaignun's eyebrows. Afterwards, I decide to swing by the docking area and my mood lightens a bit to see the Elsa. Tony and Hammer greeted me with their usual boisterous charm. Underneath the rough edges they are good guys. It amuses me to hear about their crazy adventures, especially the way Tony relates them. He likes to see how uncomfortable he can make me with his lurid storytelling, but he doesn't know that I'm not the innocent I appear to be.

It's late afternoon when I finally get back to my quarters. The first thing I notice when I enter is the light on the viewscreen. It's blinking with more urgency than usual. Call it sixth sense or paranoia... whatever the message was, it couldn't be good news. I toss my coat on the bed and stand with my back to the blinking light, pretending not to care. For a few minutes, I busy myself with straightening the clutter on the table in front of me. Holograms, catalogs, and dusty bits of archaic treasure dug up centuries ago... all junk. After a while, my fingers still and I drop what I had been polishing. I sigh and turn around.

Fine. You stupid light. I'll see what you want.

The viewscreen flashes on and I'm greeted by the familiar chimes of Kukai's communication network. I waste no time pulling up a list of new messages and quickly scan through, noting, with a wry smile, the number of advertisements I had received. Quick mental note: have filters readjusted. Then I see it. The message that I had been waiting for. The message that made me both anxious and excited. With an unsteady hand, I click play and watch the recording, the nervousness in the pit of my stomach intensifying by the second. The message had been made two hours ago. I was down at the dock two hours ago. Was it pure luck that made me miss her arrival? As the message ends, I find myself struggling to decide what to do. I knew what I should do, but I couldn't quite work up the courage to do it. So I sit numbly on the edge of my bed, staring off into nothingness until I realize the sun is setting. Maybe it's a good thing. I hadn't been able to gather the right words together in all that time. I didn't know how to face her. I would try tomorrow. She would have to wait a little longer.


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The Dammerung, headquarters of Vector industries, came to the Foundation's aid when the Gnosis attacked. By the reactions of everyone in the game, it is clear that the Dammerung was not supposed to be there, so I assumed it returned to wherever it came from after the battle was over, which in my story, is halfway across the galaxy.