Chapter Five: In the Darkness Shines a Light

The stars are winking at me. They seem to know the precariousness of my situation and are laughing. I haven't been able to relax since I saw her message. I took up pacing for the better part of the night until the confines of my room weren't enough to hold my agitation and then I took my pacing outside and ended up here, at Gaignun's beach, kicking up sand and letting the wind whip my hair into a wild mess. I was sure I looked possessed.

It was useless. I couldn't ease the tension. The only thing to do was to face my fears. I nod at myself, recognizing defeat when I saw it. I let out a shaky sigh and search around for a seat. There's a lonely bench nearby. I walk over and sit and spend a good while beating the sand from my pant legs. How pathetic I've become. To run away from a little girl.

A shadow falls across my view. The smell of cherry blossoms tickles my nose. I close my eyes, feeling my chest tighten. Oh God, she's here. I can't bear to look at her face. I'm too afraid of what I'll see. She sits quietly beside me on the bench and touches my hand hesitantly. I try not to flinch. Her little fingers curl around mine and draw my hand away. I haven't seen her for months and the distance I've been putting between us should make her touch feel like a stranger's, but it feels comfortable. It feels nice.

I say, my voice surprisingly gentle for once. How did you know I was here?

I'm a 100-series Observational Realian, she replies automatically, but there is a warmth behind her words. A hint of laughter. I turn to face her, startled by the discovery, and smile. She was teasing me. Her golden eyes are sparkling and full of mischief.

You're not mad?

Mad? About what?

I... I knew you arrived yesterday, but I didn't come see you.

Why would I be mad? You were probably busy.

No... I didn't... want to see you, Momo. Her fingers loosen around mine. I wince at my stupidity and grab her hand before she can hide it from me. That didn't come out right. I'm sorry. What I meant was... I wanted to see you, but I felt... I had no right to see you. I haven't exactly been there for you lately.

She relaxes and leans closer to me and with that simple gesture, all the tension in my shoulders vanishes. I sigh and inwardly curse myself, wishing I wasn't so clumsy with words. Why couldn't I say the things I wanted to say? Why was it so hard.





Why do you look so sad?

I'm caught off guard. Damn. I'm not sad. I was just thinking about stuff.

You had that look once before and you were sad that time. I thought it was the same.

When did I ever...?

I notice these things, she continues without debate. A faraway look enters her eyes.

Hmph, now you look sad, I tell her, gruffly.

She grins and puts her head on my shoulder. I missed you.

Caught off guard a second time. Damn. I fumble for a response, but come up empty. Why doesn't she yell at me, call me names? Berate me for neglecting her? This quiet acceptance... I don't know how to handle it. It makes me feel... inadequate. The only thing that I can do is put my arm around her.

She feels so fragile. Far more fragile than a human. I can't help it. I picture her lying limp across that lunatic's lap and stiffen. A surge of pure rage jolts through me. I feel the hate coiling up inside my gut and quickly let go of Momo, afraid that I might somehow infect her with my hate. She lets out a gasp and wraps an arm around mine, preventing me from moving away.



It's nothing.

You always say that.

It's nothing you should worry about, I clarify, sounding more harsh than I intended.

I hear her sigh and straighten, letting go of my arm. I miss the nearness of her immediately, but I'm too scared to reach for her.

Something is different about you, Jr. she says, looking down at her feet. Her voice is shy. Girlish. She sounds so young. You're leaving me behind... aren't you?

She knows.



You don't have to explain. I think I understand. It's something you have to do. It's time... to move on. I knew you couldn't live in the past forever, no matter what you made yourself believe. I'm glad, though. Even though it means things will change... I'm glad that one of us can live and be normal.

Her words feel like a stab in the chest.

There's nothing normal about me, I tell her, running a hand through my already disheveled hair. It's got nothing to do with moving on. You give me too much credit, you know that? I'm just... trying to finish something. For once in my life... In any case, I'm not leaving you behind. Don't ever think that, Momo.



She smiles at me, expectantly, as if waiting for me to make a confession. Suddenly it's too much and the mask drops. I clutch her hand, looking away from those trusting eyes. When I speak, my voice is without that childish inflection that has become second nature. My voice is hard and cold and a little frightening coming from someone with a face like mine. The face of innocence. I gather up my courage, knowing what I had to say would bring her pain.



I wish things had turned out differently.

Momo, you and Gaignun... are the only ones who know... the real me. You know what I'm going to do next. You know why I have to go down that path, why it has to be me and not Gaignun or anyone else.

But, Jr.--

It has to be me. I was responsible for them, all of them, and that makes me responsible for him... Albedo...

Saying that name feels like swallowing razor blades. I shut my eyes tight, trying to keep out the memory of his face. Those feverish eyes. That cruel smile. But it's his laughter that breaks through my defenses. That mocking laughter. It would send a shiver down anyone's spine. I can feel Momo's eyes on me, scrutinizing every detail of my face the way Gaignun does, trying to analyze me from the inside out. I give her a crooked smile and continue.

He and I, we're two sides of the same coin. What he started back on Miltia, I finished. It was because of us that all those people died. It will be by my hand that he is punished. And then, maybe, I'll finally be forgiven. But as long as he's alive, I'll never be able to rest... knowing... there's always the chance that he can hurt you... I can't let him ever get that close again. What happens to me means very little when your safety is concerned... Momo...

I let go of her hand and stand, turning my back to her.

I know it's hard for you to hear this, but it's even harder for me to say...

That's why, Momo... you have to let me go... for now. You have to live your life and not think of me. Don't think of the terrible things I have to do. It would only make you sad.

I feel like shit. I'm glad I'm not looking at her now. If I had to see her cry...

In the following silence, the air feels thick with unspoken thoughts. I brace myself, expecting her to beg and plead and throw herself at me, the way a child throws a tantrum to get what they want, but nothing... There's a gnawing feeling in my stomach. She doesn't care enough...

I try not to show my relief when she says my name. It won't work.

Hmm?

You forget who you're talking to.

Momo...

I can see inside of you.

Don't...

I know why you try so hard to keep everyone away.

Don't be so...

I still see it. You try not to show it, but I see it.

Forgiving.

You're good inside. You said that you and Albedo are two sides of the same coin. If he's the rotten side, that makes you the good side, doesn't it? Don't try to deny it. I made up my mind about you a long time ago.

I hang my head, unable to argue with the simplicity of her logic.

Momo... why do I feel like smiling.

She comes to stand at my side and hooks her arm with mine. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to see the acceptance in her eyes. I've pushed her away time and again, yet, she hangs on, refusing to give up. I've been impatient with her, insensitive and distant and she still finds reason to smile. I would call her naive, but I know she's more than that. She's seen too much destruction and heartache to ever be naive.

She's like...

The words fail me. I sigh and turn my face to the sun. It had risen ever so imperceptibly while we talked. One moment the stars were above our heads, the next, the sun was shining. Looks like we're going to have nice weather today. I know it's just a simulation, but the warmth of the sun on my face makes me believe it's real. Momo stirs beside me. She's also noticing the change in the environment. I purse my lips in concentration, trying once again to find the words...

She's like...

Long buried feelings begin to surface. Peace. Contentment. And even forgiveness. The anger will always be there, but somehow, it no longer consumes me. It no longer controls me. Because Momo...

She's like...

The warmth of the sun.

So cleansing.

So full of hope.

She pushed away what darkness had been gathering in the depths of my soul. I smile, happy to have found the words at last. I couldn't say them to her yet. I wasn't that impetuous. Or brave. Perhaps, someday soon.





It's not going to be easy watching me change.

I feel her flinch. Just a little. She hides her hurt behind a generous smile, but I see through it. It would be too cruel to ask her to stay away, but it was even more cruel to keep her close while we drifted further and further apart in age. Still, I know what her answer will be. She would stick with me, through thick and thin. I didn't even have to ask.

You might not like the person I become.

Jr., I've seen you at your worst. You don't scare me.

I laugh out loud, the suddenness of the laughter causing her to blush and look away. I quickly sober, thinking how nice it was to finally laugh again. It had been too long.

Momo, you have to promise me something.



Don't ever let me get too serious, OK? I don't want to turn out like Gaignun.

The sound of her giggles puts me at ease.

I promise.

And I promise to never doubt your belief in me. You've already given me back so much. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I can only protect you with my life and even that isn't enough. I don't know if I can ever make you happy, but I'll try never to make you sad.

We stand next to each other, absorbed in our own thoughts. Two old souls in the bodies of timid children. I don't know what the future will bring, what kind of happiness we can afford, but for now, I'm satisfied to stand here with her and let the warmth of the sun touch us both.

The end.