Hack//SKITS:
hack//CLICHÉ
Introduction:
I'm back! Yes, I've decided to write more skits poking fun at the excellent series .hack//SIGN and the fics that reside here at ff.net
So after reading so many fics here at this part of cyberspace, I noticed that there are a lot of them relying on the same formula: There are so many fics that replicate that which has been tried and tested. Therefore, I decided that this, in the terms of satire, was a gold mine of potential.
And may I add that I do not wish to tear one's fic to ribbons -
That's the last thing on my mind. To be honest that, for a relatively new
series, so many people are contributing to .hack fanfiction with enthusiasm. And
believe you me, that is a good thing. ;) I just hope that all who read this see
the funny side of this and, like the other instalments, give it a welcome
reception (and hopefully don't send me any death threats).
And if the following seems badly written,
please keep in mind that it is intentional.
And like the previous instalments, this fic contains a huge SPOILER stamp on it.
Finally, as always, I do not own .hack//SIGN. Project .hack does.
*One day, in the World....*
*Subaru is standing in the middle of a field. She is twiddling her thumbs and looking rather concerned. She looks as if she has been waiting there for a considerable amount of time. Suddenly Tsukusa Gates in*
Tsukusa: Oh hello.
Subaru: Ah there you are. I've been waiting for you
Tsukusa: Really? For how long?
Subaru: For a few hours
Tsukusa: That long?
Subaru: Yeah, well I knew you were going to show up sooner or later....
*Just then, Mimiru Gates in*
Mimiru: Hey, Tsukusa! I'm so glad I caught up with you!
Tsukusa: Oh! Hi there, Mimiru
Subaru: Hello Mimiru
Mimiru: *suddenly noticing Subaru* .....Hi. *quickly ignores her and turns back to Tsukusa* Anyway, I've found this really cool place that we should go check out!
Tsukusa: Really?
Mimiru: Yeah! And once there I will try to work my romantic charms on you to try to get you in the sack! - If you don't mind of course....
Tsukusa and Subaru: HUH?!!!?!?!!?
Mimiru: *smiling devilishly* Come on! I know you want me!
Subaru: But you can't do that!
Mimiru: Yes I can Subaru! I have the support of A LOT of fanfic authors who think I'm cooler than you are!
Tsukusa: *muttering to himself* Perhaps this isn't the best time but should I tell them......?
*Suddenly a teenage girl, dressed like a Wavemaster Gates in*
Wavemaster: No way! You two get your hands off him! He's mine!
Subaru: Who are you?
Wavemaster: I'm an original creation from a fanfic author! And like Tsukusa, I can't log out as well! So that kinda makes us sole-mates!
Mimiru: Oh God.....
Wavemaster: So, you ladies can leave us now: Tsukusa and myself are both going to have an adventure together
Tsukusa: Do I get a say in this matter?
Wavemaster: Not really.
*But before any further argument is issued, An Annoying Fangirl Gates in*
Annoying Fangirl: LEAVE HIM! HE'S MINE!
Mimiru and Wavemaster: WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Subaru: Damn those hackers.....no matter how many firewalls are put up, they always manage to evade them....
Annoying Fangirl: Precisely! I am here because I want to fulfil my dream of getting Tsukusa in the sack!
Tsukusa: *now gone swirly eyes*
Mimiru: Who says that's gonna happen?
Annoying Fangirl: And you think you can stop us?
Mimiru: Watch your mouth! I can easily stop you, you know!
Wavemaster: *unimpressed* Really?
Mimiru: Yeah! I'm an original character in this show! You're just a fanfic creation!
Wavemaster: I'm not scared of you! And why should I? I have a warrior level of 57585494!
Mimriu: Yeah well, like I said: You're a fanfic creation!
Tsukusa: You know, now would really be a good time to Gate out of here
Annoying Fangirl: Too late! I've put up a barrier! You can't escape!
Tsukusa: Dammit, not again!
*All of a sudden, BT Gates in*
BT: I hate to tell you this but Tsukusa isn't who he says he is
Subaru: Really?
Tsukusa: Ut-oh. NO BT! DON'T!
BT: Hey, I'm trying to save this situation.
Annoying Fangirl: But Tsukusa doesn't need saving!
BT: Tsukusa, I'm doing you a favour! One day you'll thank me for it
Subaru: Thank you for what?
BT: You see, in the real world he is actually a she!
*revelation!*
Annoying Fangirl: HA! *pointing an accusing finger at Subaru* You're a girl as well! That means you and Tsukusa can never get hitched in the real world!
Subaru: *accusing glare* What are you talking about?
Voice: Oh, you ladies can all step aside. There is only one who will truly wind up in the sack with Tsukusa!
Mimiru: YOU?!?!?
*Sora enters.*
Sora: Yes! Me!
Wavemaster: Over my dead body you will!
*Mimiru, Subaru, BT and Tsukusa sweatdrop*
Sora: Very well then! *Begins fighting the Wavemaster*
Annoying Fangirl: WOW! This is great! Now Sora is here, I can now draw him and Tsukusa into a Yaoi doujinshi! YIPPEEEE!!!!!
BT: You're disturbing, you realise that?
Tsukusa: Ah, forget this. I'm getting out of here. *Gates out*
Subaru: Oh no! He's gone!
*Everyone falls silent. Even Sora and the Wavemaster stop fighting*
BT: Well there you go. You all fought over him so now you're all left with nothing. Satisfied?
Annoying Fangirl: This all your fault!!!
Subaru: Why are you blaming ME of all people?!
Wavemaster: Simply put: Because we don't like you!
Mimiru, BT and Subaru: *groan...*
*Later...*
Tsukusa: *Gates into another part of The World. Bear is waiting for him*
Bear: Oh hello there. I'm getting a party together to go hunting for the Key of Twilight. You want to come?
Tsukusa: Oh right then.
Mimiru: *Gates in* Oooh! Can I came too?
BT: *Gating in as well* I want to join you too
Crim: *Gating in* Same here!
Subaru: *Gating with Ginkan* We want to join you too
Ginkan: Well...I don't want to join this party...I just want to kill HIM! *draws sword and directs at Tsukusa*
*Suddenly, the Wavemaster and the Annoying Fangirl gate in*
Wavemaster and Annoying Fangirl: We want to come too!
Subaru: Silver Knight? I order you to spare Tsukusa
Ginkan: But my lady....
Subaru: Get rid of them instead.
Wavemaster and Annoying Fangirl: WHAT?!?!?
Ginkan: *grinning sadistically* With pleasure!
*Rather violent character deaths ensue*
*Later, at Carmina Gadelica, Bear, Crim, BT, Mimiru, Subaru, Tsukusa and Sora Gate in.*
Mimiru: Hey, what are you doing here? You weren't in the previous scene
Sora: I'm only here because I believe that now is a perfect time to confess my love for Tsukusa!
Tsukusa: Really?! I love you too!
Subaru: WHAT?!??!!?
Bear: Can we please get a move on here? We've got an artefact we need to find.
The author of this fic: *Gates in* Sorry! I've already found it!
BT: What? How can you do that?
The author of this fic: Hey, I'm the author - like the name implies.
Mimiru: Great. Well, I guess there's no point in us being here then.
Crim: No?! What about that?!
*A huge, ugly armoured thing comes thundering up - You know, like the one that appeared in that....episode......*
Bear: Ut-Oh, we've got trouble here!
Sora: *looks up from ramming his tongue down Tsukusa's throat* Huh?
Crim: Come on, lets take this thing out!
*Mimiru, Bear and Crim charge but each get flattened. BT and Sora also get creamed.*
Tsukusa: This isn't looking good
Subaru: So what do we do now?
The author of this fic: Step aside - I can handle this! *knocks the armoured thing out with minimal effort*
Crim: Well done! You champion!
The author of this fic: *modest* Oh...it was nothing. Really
Bear and Mimiru: *all completely out of character* Oh you are a true hero! What could we have done without you?!
BT: Okay, so now what we do?
The author of this fic: Well, I suppose I could create a .hack//SIGN AU where Tsukusa is actually a GUY and he meets Subaru at school....
Tsukusa: Sounds good to me!
The author of this fic: Very well then....
*Subaru and Tsukusa disappear - only to reappear in a school yard wearing normal clothes and sitting next to each other*
Tsukusa: Hey, do you know that I love you?
Subaru: *ecstatic* Really? I love you too!
*Massive glomping session follows*
Subaru: *mutters* About time I get a lucky break in this stupid fic......
The End