.hack//SKITS
Invasion

Introduction:

Once again, here I go poking fun at .hack//SIGN and the general attitude fans have towards it.
With this chapter I wanted to really make fun of the anti-Subaru crowd. Well at least the WAS the plan at first but within time, I started thinking - If the fans of .hack//SIGN actually managed to gain access to The World, what would they do? Who would they talk to? How would they interact with the characters from the series?

Incidentally, I would like to point out that these things are getting increasingly harder to write. So I hope you all acknowledge my disintegrating sanity and post good reviews for this. In fact, the knowledge that this actually offends certain .hack//SIGN fans is better still. :)
And once again, I don't own .hack//SIGN or it's characters. Project .hack does.

*Somewhere in Dun Loireag.....BT is sitting on a bench (situated in one of the higher points of the region), looking contemplative. Bear Gates in and sits down beside her*

BT: Oh hello

Bear: Hi there.

BT: So what are you going to do today?

Bear: Well I can't do a lot right now. This place is been difficult to move around since the invasion.

BT: Ah yes....

*They both look down on the scenery below and see a whole horde of people standing around chatting excitedly. There is at least someone for every square centimetre and absolutely no room to move.*

BT: So, how are the other members of the principle .hack//SIGN cast taking this invasion?

Bear: To be honest, I think they each have their hands full dealing with these fans: I have not seen a head or tail of them ever since Why, I haven't even seen Mimiru in weeks!

BT: Let me guess: She's being chased by fanboys who like her outfit?

Bear: Most likely yes.....

*Just then, a fangirl Gates in and rocks up to Bear*

Fangirl 357: Hey, has anyone told you, you look like William Wallac.....

Bear: *cuts in with an irate voice* NO, for the LAST time, I did NOT play the LEAD role in that FILM Braveheart!

Fangirl 357: Oh *Gates out*

Bear: Boy, have I heard that joke a lot *notices BT chuckling to herself* Oh shut up!

*Just then, a fanboy gates in and rocks up to BT*

Fanboy 65: Hello there BT. I glad I'm met you because.....

BT: *cuts in with an irate voice* NO, you may not have my MEMBER ADDRESS, nor my E-MAIL, nor the phone number of my place of work, nor will I JOIN your party and nor can we arrange a MEETING in the REAL WORLD!!!!

Fanboy 65: HUH?! No, it's not like that at all!

BT: Then what do you want?! *Gets to her feet* Don't tell me you're yet another hentai fan-artist who wants me to pose for a doujinshi?!

Fanboy 65: *astonished* B-B-B-B-B-B-But!!!!

BT: *smacks him over the head with her staff. The Fanboy goes flying only to come crashing down several feet away. BT goes after him*

Fanboy 65: *although dazed and battered, he looks up to see a rather angry BT standing over him.* No! Please! You don't understand!

BT: *quite annoyed* Understand what?! I have you know that I've had my fair share of dealing with creeps like you!

Fanboy 65: *pulls out a box set of .hack//SIGN DVDs* No! Please listen to me! I just want your autograph!

BT: *calms down* Oh! Oh - Well, all right then. *pulls out a pen and signs the fanboy's box set of .hack//SIGN DVD's before returning to the bench*

Bear: So did you sign his box?

BT: Yes.

Bear: What?! With just the two letters?!

BT: Exactly

Bear: That's a bit cold.....

BT: Oh I don't think so - besides, it's nice to know I have fans

This author: You got that right!

*Meanwhile.......In the middle of the Wasteland.....Mimiru is being pursued by a bunch of drooling fanboys*

Mimiru: NO! How many times do I have to tell you people?! I don't want your hands all over me!!!!!!!

Fanboys: COME BAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mimiru: Dammit!! I should Gate out of here....

Fanboys: But we've put a lock on your Gate abilities!

Mimiru: WHHAAATTT?!?!?!

Fanboys: We think of everything!!!!

Mimiru: Oh hell - I should really get rid of these guys......*runs around a corner and quickly ducks behind a giant mushroom.*

Fanboys: *rush past - oblivious to the fact that they are no longer pursuing the Heavy Blademaster*

Mimiru: Ha! Suckers! I'll split as soon as they've gone!

*Ten minutes later*

Mimiru: *still hiding behind the mushroom as the fanboys are STILL rushing past - only now she looks rather annoyed.* Geez, I never knew I had THIS many fans.....

*Five more minutes later...*

Mimiru: Come on! I never knew that horde pursuing me was this HUGE!!!

*Suddenly, there is a break - The horde has finally passed through!*

Mimiru: All right! About time! *grins and jumps out from her hiding place ....only to find herself immediately facing a blade directed at her face*

Sora: Hi there!

Mimiru: Oh.......crap.....

Sora: Oh my - you look well worn. Been eluding those fanboys, eh?

Mimiru: Yeah, I've been chased ever since this invasion began!

Sora: Really? *laughs and lowers his blade* I'm enjoying it all! *jerks his thumb behind him where Mimiru sees a trail of dead fangirls behind the PK*

Mimiru: Wha!? You killed all those?!

Sora: Yes - in fact, there should be another coming along soon right about...................................................now

*Sure enough*

Fangirl 589: *gates in and immediately latches onto Sora* Hi there, Sora! I'm an avid .hack//SIGN fan and I want you to know that you're my favourite character! So I hope you don't mind if I hang around you for the duration of my time spent here at The World!

Sora: No, I don't mind at all.

* Sora rams one of his blades through the fangirl's chest. She dies. Suddenly, another fangirl springs out of nowhere and glomps the hapless PK*

Fangirl 13: Hi Sora! It's so good to see you! I'm your biggest fan so I'll be hanging around you for ever and ever!

Sora: If you say so *rams his blade through her head from underneath her chin*

Mimiru: My God....are all these fangirls like this?

Sora: Yes.....

*Elsewhere, at Mac Anu, Subaru is standing on her personalised barge, addressing Ginkan and the Crimson Knights*

Ginkan: My lady Subaru, everything in The World has been turned upside down ever since....

Fanboy 328: *leaping onto the barge with a blade raised high* DIE SUBARU!!!!!!

Crimson Knight 56: *grabs the fanboy and throws him into the canal.*

Ginkan: *continues unperturbed*...the invasion. I fear we may be in a......

Fangirl 78: *leaping onto the barge with a blade raised high* DIE SUBARU!!!!!

Crimson Knight 12: *draws his sword and decapitates the fangirl*

Ginkan: *continues unperturbed* ....position where we may have to take drastic action.

Fangirl 945: *leaping off a bridge* Prepare to Die Su.....hey wait a minute, shouldn't I..... *lands in the river - several feet in FRONT of the barge, which drifts on past unchallenged.*

Subaru: No, there is no need

Fanboy 498: *leaping onto the barge with a blade raised high. He lands behind Ginkan* DIE SUBARU!!!!!!

Ginkan: *elbows the Fanboy in the face* But my lady! We are concerned for your safety!

Fangirl 615: *jumping onto the general direction of the barge* DIE SUBARU!!!!

Subaru: *calmly raises her axe. The Fangirl goes flying straight into the head and is knocked out.* Silver Knight, that is my command.

*The barge drifts under another bridge. On top of it, a bunch of fan girls are preparing to throw a bomb. They light it up and throw it just as the boat drifts under. *

Ginkan: *bowing deeply* It shall be......*lifts up his hands, catches the bomb and throws it over his shoulder - where it explodes harmlessly in the air*...done, my lady.

*Up ahead, the barge is in the direct path of yet another bridge. On this one, a bunch of fanboys are loading up a whole lot of dynamite. They are wiring them all together and clutching a detonator, as the barge approaches......*

Subaru: *suddenly notices something* Huh? What's that?

Ginkan: Is something the matter my lady?

Subaru: You will have to excuse me Silver Knight. I have to investigate something.....*Gates out off the barge*

Ginkan: Huh? Wait!

Fanboys: *blinking - mere seconds after they activated the detonator* WHAT?!?!

*Suddenly the bridge explodes - several tons of rock and mortar come crashing down on the bow of the barge*

Fanboys: *go down with the now ruined bridge and onto the barge - where they find themselves suddenly staring down the swords of Ginkan and the Silver Knights*

*Subaru gates into a street in Mac Anu and starts wandering around. Suddenly she pauses and immediately ducks. Seconds later, a dagger comes whistling through the air and strikes the wall behind her. Subaru sighs before continuing on her way
Some time later - she stops short of a someone who bares a striking resemblance to Tsukusa. But it isn't the real Tsukusa - It is a cos-player. But Subaru doesn't know that......yet*

Subaru: Hello there.

Cosplayer: Leave me alone!

Subaru: Huh?

Cosplayer: I don't want anything with anyone or anything!!!!

Subaru: *Suddenly gets the idea that she's dealing with a cos-player* Hold on, you're not Tsukusa....

Cosplayer: Yes I am! I can't log out of The World!!!

Subaru: Well, won't you at least allow me to do whatever in my power to help y....

Cosplayer: NO!! I don't want your help!!!!!

Subaru: Sheesh, talk about role-playing.... *suddenly looks upon and gets the shock of her life: she is surrounded by an angry mob of Fangirls* .....Ut-oh....

Fangirls: NO! You two can't get together!!!

Subaru: Why not?

A minority of the Fangirls: Because, in the real world, you two are both.....

The majority of the Fangirls: Because Tsukusa is going with ME!!!

Cosplayer: EH?!?!

The majority of the Fangirls: *swamp the hapless cosplayer - despite the fact that the actual gender of the cosplayer has never been actually made clear by this fanfic author*

The minority of the Fangirls: Hang on, this isn't what we really meant at all.....

*Elsewhere....somewhere in the Wastelands...*

Crim: You know, considering you're the star of .hack//SIGN, I'm surprised you've managed to last this long

Tsukusa: What do you mean?

Crim: Well, knowing these fangirls, I figured they would've been all over you already.

Tsukusa: Yeah........I guess I've just been lucky

Crim: Lucky? You call your continued survival more to do with luck?

Tsukusa: Well, I guess I do *shrugs* I've managed to elude and outsmart them and everything they've tried.

Crim: Somehow, I wouldn't call it luck *looks upward to where Tsukusa's Guardian is floating above their heads* So, exactly how long are you going to keep him there?

Tsukusa: As long as it takes

Crim: And when will that be?

Tsukusa: When those fangirls leave me alone I guess

Crim: You do realise that the System Admin will probably lynch you for this

Tsukusa: Ha! They can't touch me. They tired once before and they failed.

Crim: Now that kind of attitude doesn't work in The World!

Tsukusa: Huh?

Crim: You can't keep going on like this! This will be traced to you eventually!

Tsukusa: But all I want is to stop being bothered by these tiresome fan-girls!

Crim: And you think this will make them stop?

*Crim looks down at his feet. Both himself and Tsukusa are standing upon a mountain of dead fangirls - who'd each met their end at the hands of Tsukusa's guardian*

Tsukusa: Hopefully, it will.....

THE END