Fanatic: Rufus Shinra

By: Tifa Gainsborough

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A black screen fades away to reveal Tifa Gainsborough standing in front of a giant barn. She is wearing a plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves under overalls. With wide eyes she watches five cows walk in a straight line in front of her. A man with spiky blonde hair waves to the camera as he passes, herding his cows along.

Off camera: Psst… Teef your on!

Tifa G looks up: Oh hello! Welcome to Fanatic, I'm your host Tifa Gainsborough. Today we are at a fair…. leans out of camera view and whispers Why a fair?

Off camera person: Budget Cuts.

Tifa G: Damn…. back on camera again Yes we are coming to you from a fair. Today Casey Crystal will be interviewing every body's favorite Shinra Pin-Up boy, Rufus Shinra. Lets go get the lucky girl now.

Tifa G walks away from the barn, leaping out of the way of a stampeding herd of goats, directly into the path of some horses. With a shriek, she grabs onto the horses neck.

Tifa G: Somebody save me!!!

Off camera person: Just let go!


Tifa G: I want my mommy! Why isn't anybody helping me? the horse throws its head back, tossing Tifa G off. Jumping to her feet, she brushes herself off and resumes walking. Nice recovery.

Tifa G talking to off camera person: Can we really get Rufus to appear at a fair?

Off camera person: Who knows. We'll see though.

Continuing to walk towards the sound of rides Tifa G freezes and peers down. Lifting her right foot, she examines the bottom of her shoe.

Tifa G: Oh…shit.

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Standing in a long line to a ride called the [Insert Scary Ride Name Here] is a girl shoving her way to the front

Girl: Outta the way! I'm comin through!

Tifa G: Casey Crystal?

Girl: What? I didn't do it! You can't prove anything, I plead the 5th!

Tifa G: I'm with Fanatic and you have been chosen to interview Rufus Shinra!

Casey: YAHOO!! I get to meet Rufus and ride in a limo!

Tifa G: Er…well half of that is true.

Casey: No Rufus?

Tifa G: No limo, sorry.

Casey:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO passes out from lack of oxygen

Tifa G: Um… turns to camera We will be right back with this word from…

Sephiroth: There you are!

Tifa G: EEP! grabs Casey and makes a fast break for it. I don't wanna die!

Sephiroth turning to the camera: Take a hike. destroys the camera and camera-man with Meteor

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First Impressions

Casey: I'm going to get to meet my Ruffie! What a happy day it is. I'll get his autograph, and a lock of his hair, and his jacket. I'll be able to touch him and just be near him. OH BOY!! I'm so excited. hums the Rufus Welcoming theme under her breath.

Rufus: staring at a spiky haired man trying to fight a pig into a pen This is degrading. I'm at a fair, near livestock. Livestock that I eat no less! spiky hears Rufus' comment and burst into tears, hugs his pig. But I suppose meeting one of my fans shall be worth it. I have so many adoring fans. Tseng!

Tseng: Yes sir! Tseng is sweltering in the hot weather in his Turks suit

Rufus: How many fan letters did I receive yesterday?

Tseng: One-hundred and twenty-six.

Rufus: Excellent. Oh and Tseng.

Tseng: pulling at his tie Yes sir?

Rufus: Where are the rest of the Turks?

Tseng nods towards Reno who is currently racing on a pig through the food area. Rude and Elena are chasing after the red haired Turk

Tifa G: Hate to burst this up but we need to… Is that Reno?

Tseng: Yes.

Tifa G: Why isn't he wearing anything?

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The new camera focuses on Rufus, sitting at a table eating curly fries, surrounded by a large amount of girls.

Casey: What are those girls doing by my Rufus?

Tifa G: Uh… Got your questions ready?

Casey: waves her clipboard over her head Ready!

Casey walks over to the table, the group of girls staring daggers at her.

Casey: Hiya Rufus!

Rufus: Hello. Rufus waves to a chair and Casey swoons into it.

Casey: Directed by my Ruffie…. Sigh

Rufus: You are my adoring fan?

Casey: Adoring…. Yes that would be me.

Rufus: Are you the one that hangs outside my door every morning with that other one?

Tifa G whistles off camera finding her shoelaces very interesting all of a sudden.

Casey: Uh... Hehe… First question! What's the difference between being the Vice President of Shinra and President of Shinra?

Rufus: More fans. More power. More speeches! I just love making speeches.

Casey: Yes now. Next question. There better not be anything between you and Scarlet. IS there anything between you and Scarlet?

Rufus: Scarlet? She would screw a door handle if she could. flips his hair back and every woman within seeing distance sighs.

Casey: I take that as a no. wipes the drool from the corner of her lip.

Rufus: Next question.

Casey: Why the white outfit?

Rufus looks down, his face turning an interesting shade of pink

Casey: Well?

Rufus: Mymompicksoutmyoutfits.

Casey: What did you say?

Fangirl in crowd: He says his mo…

The poor fangirl meets an untimely end when Rufus fires his shotgun. The groups of girls quickly fall silent.

Rufus: Next person to speak anything bad… pumps shotgun.

Casey: O-kay. Boxers or briefs? Casey snickers.

Tifa G: Oh jeez… Not that question again. gets wide eyes as Rufus points the gun in her direction. Oops, sorry.

Rufus: Boxers.

Casey: I knew it! If you could go out with any one of the Final Fantasy 7 girls, who would be your pick and why?

Rufus: Tifa. No explanation needed.

Casey: Should have known. Will you marry me?

Rufus: No.

Casey: Why not?

Rufus: Because I said no.

Casey: Don't you love me?

Rufus: I suppose in that platonic stalked loves the stalker sort of way.

Casey: Wha?

Rufus: No.

Casey: Do you know what this is? Casey holds up a length of rope.

Rufus: You wouldn't dare.

Casey: What do you think of me tying you up and keeping you all to myself? Casey is grinning madly. I have a wonderful closet with your name all over it!

Rufus: Let me guess, I don't get a say, do I?

Casey: Nope! tackles Rufus and ties him up and drags him off to ride the rides with her.

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Second Impressions

Casey: I just love my Rufus! hugs her tied up Rufus. We are going to be together for such a long time! Because I simply love my Ruffie, he is so adorable!

Rufus: Somebody will die for this. Or at least somebody will suffer dearly. Yes Tifa G, I am talking about you. You have made a powerful enemy in me. You will regret the day that you cros-

Casey: SPEECHES! I love you when you make speeches. Especially about killing people. hugs Rufus tightly.

Reno staggers over having found a pair of pants

Reno: That was a great ride! Lets do it again! passes out at Rufus' feet

Tifa G: Rufus, your Turks are worthless! What do you have to say for yourself?

Rufus: stares down at the ropes. I hate you.

Sephiroth: I second that!

Tifa G: Crap!

Sephiroth grabs Tifa G and drags her off to ride the rides at the fair.

Tifa G: NOOOOO!!!! Not the Sea Dragon! Anything but that! Please Sephiroth, I will do anything!

Sephiroth: Yes, the Sea Dragon!

Tifa G: I'll hurl! I'll hurl all over your jacket. I swear! No! Why won't somebody help me? Casey, please help me!

Casey: Oh… Rides, lets go ride the rides Rufus! drags her tied up Rufus to the rides

Reno looks up, his face covered in straw.

Reno singing as the scene fades to black: Our state fair is a great state fair, don't miss it don't even be late….

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Authors Note: Fair rides…icky! I hate fair rides. Wanna interview your favorite FF7 character? E-mail me. Spiky boy was Cloud? Yes, yes he was.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and characters are copyrighted by Squaresoft. Casey Crystal belongs to Casey Crystal.

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