Fanatic: Rude

By: Tifa Gainsborough

The scene opens to reveal Tifa Gainsborough dressed like a Turk. She gives the camera a smile and winks. Spinning her nifty gun around on her finger she whistles happily. Little kids gather around waiting for the inevitable. With a smirk Tifa G shoves the gun into the holster and shoots herself in the foot.

Tifa G: @*$&#) @&^$#* (%) $@&*$ &@(@ )$%)# &$^#&*$% #)$( )@& #*@^ %(%& *#& $*( ^*( #&% &*$.

Director: blinks, remaining silent for a few minutes Watch your language!

Tifa G: #$*% Bite #$(@ Me! Welcome to Fanatic, the show that reveals people to be the raving lunatics that they are!

Director: Like you?

Tifa G: I would argue with you but I am losing a mass amount of blood from my shot foot, which surprisingly has a mass amount of blood. Today Locked Heart Ami will be interviewing Rude…. passes out

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A big store called "Bishounen R Us" looms in front of the camera. Screaming fan girls are surrounding the store. It's a half off sale on every bodies favorite bishounen. It's quite a frightening sight.

Tifa G: wading through the crowd OUTTA THE WAY!!!!!! I WANNA BUY VASH!!!!! tries to shot people with her gun, but only ends up shooting a stuffed animal and the director.

Locked Heart Ami: RUDE!!!!!!!

Tifa G: Locked Heart Ami! I've been sent for you to interview Rude!

Locked Heart Ami: ………………………………........ Wow!

Locked Heart Ami grabs Tifa G and drags her away from the store. Cause one ever gets in the way of a fan girl and her favorite Turk. The aftermath isn't pretty.

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The scene shifts to Locked Heart Ami and Tifa G standing in front of a big, huge, giant, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, tall building. The sign reads "Fun with Lasers!"

Tifa G: What the hell? Where did this come from?

Locked Heart Ami: SHINRA!!!!!!

Tifa G: shakes head in fear Let's go.

The two enter the building. People are running and screaming, firing guns that shoot lasers at each other. Reno is chasing Elena around, waving two guns at her.

Tifa G: I tell you! The people like the smoke machines… I mean it's always lasers. What is with Rufus and lasers? People want smoke machines because they are so much more cooler. They have smoke! And we all now that smoke is a cool special… Tifa G gets nailed in the face with a laser Ugh….

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First Impressions

Locked Heart Ami: face pressed against a window. Calmly beating on a wall. Where the hell is Rude! I just can't wait to meet him, I mean I really want to meet him! Is that him!!! No wait… it was just a plant. Damn you plant, one day you shall face my wrath! Cause everybody should know that I am a huge Turk fan and Rude is just so silently cool! Resumes beating the wall. Poor wall, you are so poorly abused.

Rude: …. …. ……………………

Tifa G: whispers to Rude You can talk you know.

Rude: And ruin my image? I'm the bald silent type. Now then, where is my fan?

Tifa G: smirks It's amazing you have fans… gets nailed in the face by another laser

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Locked Heart Ami and Tifa G are standing at the entrance to the restaurant part of the building. It is called "Fun with Food!" Rude is sitting at a table, trying to order a beer. Yet, it's hard to order when all you hear is "……….." coming from a man.

Tifa G: Finally… away from the lasers. Have all your questions?

Locked Heart Ami: YES!!!!!!

Tifa G: Uh…. You frighten me.

Locked Heart Ami: FEAR ME!!!!! runs to the table and sits next to Rude HI RUDE-CHAN!!!!

Rude: Call me Rude, for by any other name and I shall be forced to kill you.

Locked Heart Ami: blinks Whoa… you actually talk.

Rude: Questions… where are the stinking questions!

Locked Heart Ami: Why do you always wear sunglasses, Rude-chan?

Rude: It helps to blur the world. I like it that way.

Locked Heart Ami: Interesting. Why do you shave your head? Or IS it shaved? Are you bald or something?

Rude: It gives me an air of mystery when people don't know whether it is shaved or simply bald.

Locked Heart Ami: I take it you aren't going to answer.

Rude: That would be correct.

Reno: stumbling away from the bar looking very drunk HE'S BALD!!!!

Locked Heart Ami: Really!

Rude: talking through clenched teeth Next question.

Locked Heart Ami: How did you become a Turk?

Rude: The same way as everybody else. I worked my way up to it. Then to prove I could do it I took out a restaurant.

People at nearby tables gulp loudly at Rude's words. Lots of people gulping loudly at one time is really cool sounding!

Locked Heart Ami: Why don't you talk? Eh? EH!!!!

Rude: Image. But most of the time I feel I have nothing interesting to talk about. When I feel the need to talk I shall talk. But most of the time I would rather sit back and enjoy the idiots entertain themselves with their spoken words.

Locked Heart Ami and Tifa G stare blankly. Rude said a whole bunch of lines and that is pretty cool.

Locked Heart Ami: Boxers or Briefs?

Rude: Why must everybody insist on asking this question?

Locked Heart Ami: Tifa G is holding a gun to our head screaming "ASK BOXERS OR BRIEFS!!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BREAKING TRADITION!!!" when we write the questions.

Rude: Oh…. I refuse to the sound of a hammer of a gun clicking fills the silent restaurant Boxers!

Locked Heart Ami: If you were forced to pair up with one of the guys in Final Fantasy VII for a yaoi fic, who would it be?

Rude: You know, this isn't one of those questions that I have given serious consideration too. But if I must answer I would say Reno. He's my best friend, I trust him.

Locked Heart Ami: That's sweet. Can I marry you?

Rude: No.

Locked Heart Ami: Date you?

Rude: No.

Locked Heart Ami: NO?!?! How 'bout now?

Rude: ………

Locked Heart Ami: Come on, don't you think I look like Elena.

Rude: I'm currently not dating anybody and I don't see why looking like Elena would make a difference.

Locked Heart Ami: Well damn… Who do you hate most in Shinra?

Rude: I hate nobody… but then again I don't like anybody either.

Locked Heart Ami: Good reason. When you're drinking in the bars with Reno and occasionally Elena, just exactly what do you have?

Rude: Screwdriver.

Locked Heart Ami: Can I marry you yet?

Rude: raises one eyebrow

Locked Heart Ami: No wait! That's not my last question. Well uh… How did you react to Tseng's death and to the Turks splitting up… or whatever happened in the end.

Rude: Tseng died? Why don't people keep me informed of these things! sees the shocked look on Locked Heart Ami's face I'm kidding. I must say that I was upset that he let Sephiroth kill him. But Tseng has his reasons for everything. Apparently he had a good reason to go and get himself killed. The Turks may have split from Shinra but we are still friends.

Locked Heart Ami: Hey… let me buy you a drink!

Rude: Sure.

Locked Heart Ami: Only if you marry me!

Rude gets up to leave and Locked Heart Ami chases after him

Locked Heart Ami: Come on! We only need to be married for a few months. Come on Rude! Marry me! Why not? Come on, I'm a nice girl. I may be a little bit of a stalker but I still love you! RUDE!!!!

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Second Impression

Locked Heart Ami: Rude sure is a nice man. Although I really wish that he had allowed me to marry him. It was really nice that he said more than three words. I really liked him, really I did. I really did! I swear it, are you doubting me. FACE MY WRATH!!! blows up the camera

Rude: May I resume not speaking.


Tifa G: Sure… continue to uphold you image.

Rude: …. ………….

Tifa G: Uh… I'll take that as a thanks. Did you like your fan?


Rude: ………..

Tifa G: Is that a yes?

Rude: ………..

Tifa G: You are one hard person to understand. Well that has been it for this fanatic. Tune in next time for Queen Vegeta interviewing Vincent Valentine.

The scene fades to black.

Sephiroth: HOLD IT!!!!! I didn't even get to appear in this episode. Tifa G was able to escape the wrath of my tacks for a whole episode. Where is the justice in that!

Somewhere, far away from Sephiroth and his tacks. Tifa G is holding her face.

Tifa G: DAMNIT!!! I hate lasers.

Sephiroth: My justice has been served. You may resume fading to black.

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Authors Note: I do hope that you enjoyed this episode. Sephiroth, Rude, Shinra, Reno, Elena, and all those others belong to Squaresoft. Locked Heart Ami belongs to her and Tifa G is me! Watch for the next episode coming soon!