TITLE: Relapse, Part 1 - All In The Mind
AUTHOR: Jacinta & Willow
SUMMARY: Josh meets with Stanley, after admitting to Leo that he's having a
few problems.
SPOILERS: It's a/u time again, but anything up to S4 is fair game,
specifically ITSOTG and Noel.
CHARACTERS: Josh, Leo, Toby, Donna and Stanley.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: Now the property of NBC, Warner Bros. and John Wells, but
they'll always be Aaron's for us.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 2nd 2003, WASHINGTON
As Leo walks through the West Wing he notices CJ's office door is slightly ajar. He hopes CJ went home hours ago, seeing as it's almost 2 in the morning. How many times does he have to remind the staff to lock up before they leave? He's just about to close the door when he spots the sleeping form of his deputy on the couch.
"Josh, what are you doing?" he asks from the doorway.
"Umm," comes the muffled reply, as Josh pulls his jacket closer round him.
"It's 2am," Leo says a little louder. "Why are you in CJ's office?"
"Been out for a drink."
"Why didn't you go home?" Leo perseveres.
Josh peers up at Leo. "Couldn't get there."
"But you got here."
"Easy address," Josh replies, closing his eyes.
Leo shakes his head. "Come on, I'll take you home."
"I'm good here," Josh protests.
"Stand up," Leo instructs.
Josh sits up and attempts to stand. "Very tired."
"Very drunk," Leo amends. "Where are the others?"
"Dunno. Had a fight," Josh tries to stand again, this time more successfully, and follows Leo out of the building.
Leo had intended taking Josh home, but Josh couldn't find his keys so they went back to Leo's hotel suite and Josh fell asleep on the sofa. When something wakes Leo at just after 6, he finds Josh in the next room lying staring at the ceiling and breathing heavily. What worries Leo though is Josh's pallor, he's deathly white. "Josh?" he asks. When Josh doesn't move, Leo crouches down next to him, "Hey, you OK?"
Josh turns to look at him and swallows, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. "Yeh. It was just a dream," Josh replies in a voice that's barely above a whisper. He really wishes Leo would leave him alone, he doesn't want him to know what's wrong.
Leo's still worried. Although Josh's breathing is more normal now and he's got some color back, there's a distant look in his eyes that Leo doesn't like. "What about?" he asks.
That was the question Josh had dreaded, because he doesn't think he's got the strength to lie to Leo, plus he's still a little drunk, which isn't helping anywhere near as much as he thought it would. "Rosslyn."
"You OK now?" Leo asks, well aware that Josh just wants his privacy. 'Rosslyn' was the answer Leo had expected, it's the anniversary this Thursday. When Josh nods, Leo touches him gently on the head and stands up. "I'll see you later then."
At 8.30 Leo walks through the living room and looks down at Josh, who's sound asleep. He collects the newspaper from outside the room, makes a coffee and starts the crossword. Half an hour later Josh opens his eyes and groans.
"Morning," Leo smiles.
"Morning. What time is it?"
"9.15," Leo tells him.
"Aren't we're late?"
"It's Sunday."
"Oh yeh," Josh lies looking up at the ceiling until it stops spinning and then sits up. "How'd I end up here?"
Leo hands him a coffee, strong and black. While he's never believed that black coffee cures a hangover, he's not too sure Josh's system could handle much else at the moment. "I found you trying to sleep in CJ's office."
"I know, but I thought you'd take me home. I don't remember coming here."
"You were pretty drunk, you couldn't find your apartment keys."
Josh thinks about that for a moment and then remembers. The keys kept digging in every time he lay down, so he put them on CJ's desk. He looks up at Leo, "They're in CJ's office. Leo, I didn't do anything last night did I?"
"Apparently you had a fight, which I'm hoping wasn't an actual fight or CJ's gonna kill you," Leo helpfully tells him.
"A fight? I don't remem.... Oh God," Josh runs his hands through his hair.
Leo watches him with an amused expression. "If you're gonna throw up......"
"I can hold my liquor," Josh protests.
Leo smiles indulgently. "Who'd you fight with?" As if he needs to ask.
"Donna," Josh mutters.
"Do I want to know?"
"Joe Quincy asked her on a date."
"And?"
"She's going to go with him."
"Well she's single, I assume he's single, he seems like an okay guy, what's the problem? Besides the obvious of course."
"He's a Republican," Josh complains.
"You hired him," Leo points out.
Josh looks questioningly at Leo. "What obvious?"
"Sorry?"
"You said, 'besides the obvious'."
"He's a Republican," Leo smiles. Then he looks seriously at Josh, "Are you alright."
"Bit hungover," Josh replies.
"I meant in general, you feeling alright?"
"I thought we'd stopped... " Josh catches Leo's concerned look, "I haven't been sleeping too well. Can we do this later, I don't feel good?"
"No, I think we should do it now. What happened last night?"
"I told you."
"I don't mean with Donna."
"I went out to get drunk."
"With Donna?"
"No," Josh reluctantly admits. "I haven't seen her since we left work. I was alone."
"Josh!" Leo sighs.
"Every night last week, Leo, every night, I've been woken by the same dream. I just thought....." Josh leans forward and runs his hands through his hair. "I can't go through that again."
Leo feels a sudden dread at Josh's words. "Have you had any episodes?"
"No worse than normal," Josh says, before he has time to think what he's saying. He sees Leo's expression change and hastens to clarify. "I have PTSD, Leo. I'm always gonna have some symptoms, but I can control them. Honestly. No one knows I have them, so it must be under control," he argues. No one except Donna that is.
Leo tries to digest that piece of information for a moment before asking, "But you don't normally have nightmares?"
"Not about Rosslyn, no. I just wanted to sleep, Leo."
"Josh, getting drunk to forget your fears and to help you sleep is the start of a very slippery slope."
"Yeh," Josh snaps, not in the mood for a lecture. "I should go home."
"You don't have any keys," Leo absently points out. "Have something to eat and I'll drive you to the White House."
"Yeh okay," Josh agrees.
If Leo's surprised that Josh agreed so readily, he doesn't show it, instead he hands him the room service menu and smiles, "Perks of living in a hotel."
After they've eaten, Leo can't hold back any longer. "Do you want to talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about. I don't know what's triggered it. I'll be fine, don't worry, it'll pass."
"It's kind of hard not to worry, Josh. You don't think it's 'cos of the anniversary this week?" Leo suggests.
"No."
"Why are you so sure if you don't know what the trigger was?" When Josh doesn't answer, Leo continues, "Because you do know, don't you?"
"It's too ridiculous."
"What is?"
"It was just a movie. It was set like a hundred years ago for God's sake." Josh can feel himself getting angry and tries to calm down.
"Was there shooting in it?"
"Yeh, but if I can't watch a movie with shooting in it, my viewing options are kind of limited."
"What was the movie?"
"Michael Collins."
"Well, that's a pretty violent movie, Josh. Not to mention the fact that it's true," Leo points out.
"I know," Josh sighs. As soon as the scene where Collins is shot had played, Josh was hit by a sudden feeling of panic.
"You need to tell Stanley that."
"I've an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday anyway. I should go. I need to get changed and then I've some serious apologizing to do."
"I'll run you to the White House to get your keys. Don't argue, I'm going to the Residence anyway." Leo picks up his jacket and car keys. "Promise me you'll call Stanley," he tells Josh, who nods. "And sort things out with Donna for God's sake, 'cos the two of you are driving us all nuts."
Josh has made it home, he's showered and changed. He's called his mom, he's called CJ to apologize for missing meeting her at the gym as he'd arranged and now he knows he has to face Donna. He pulls up outside her building, walks up the steps and rings the bell.
"Yeh?"
"Can I come up?"
"It's Sunday, what do you want?"
"To apologize. Please let me up."
"Come in." Josh can hear the resigned sigh in Donna's voice. When he walks into the apartment, he expects her to turn on him, but instead she asks. "Did CJ find you?"
"Yeh. I stayed the night at Leo's. Look," Josh starts, "I'm an idiot, I think we can agree on that, right?" he smiles, but Donna just stares at him. "You should go out with Joe. He's a nice guy, I know you like him. You should go out and have a good time and forget about work and all my crap."
"Oh thanks, in that case I will, I mean after all I was just waiting for your permission," Donna rounds on him. "I can function perfectly well without you, you know. What did you think, I was sat in my apartment all teary because you'd been mean to me, again?"
Josh turns back to the door. "I just called by to say sorry. I'll leave."
"Hang on. You stayed at Leo's? Why?"
"I couldn't find my keys."
"Why Leo's?"
"Does it matter? Look I'll see you tomorrow." With that he walks out of the apartment.
Donna watches him go and has a strange feeling of deja vu. The things he said to her yesterday, it was like when she had the date just before Christmas a couple of years ago. He didn't say the same things, but his tone and meaning and manner, they were the same. "Josh," she calls. "Are you OK?"
Josh stops at the top of the stairs and turns to face Donna. "Yeh. I got drunk and couldn't find my way home. Leo found me in the office," he smiles. "You know what I'm like. I'll see you tomorrow."
WEDNESDAY AUGUST 6th 2003, SAN FRANCISCO
"They've only got two rooms for us, so it looks like you two are sharing," Donna smiles as she hands Toby the room key.
"Fine," Toby nods glancing across the lobby at Josh, who's on the phone to Leo. "Is he alright?" he asks.
"It's the anniversary, I don't think he's slept too well the last couple of nights."
"You think that's all it is?" Toby asks.
"Why, what's he done?"
"Nothing," he shrugs. "He just seemed a bit distracted on the flight and he was very quiet in the meeting before."
"He's tired," Donna replies, glancing worriedly in Josh's direction.
Toby nods, but he's no more convinced that the problem is lack of sleep than Donna is. "Everything okay?" he asks Josh when he joins them.
"Yeh. Will's going to email tomorrow night's speech to you."
"Okay. We're sharing," Toby tells Josh as they enter the elevator.
An hour later Josh is sat in the hotel bar reading the notes he should have read earlier on the plane, if he'd been able to concentrate. "Hey," he smiles at Donna as she joins him. "You okay?"
"Considering I had to cancel a date with a good looking, funny guy to look after you and Toby?" Donna smiles. "Yeh I'm fine."
"I'm sorry, it couldn't be helped."
"I know. What time are we leaving tomorrow?"
"Flight's at 3.40. So we have some free time, provided the road meeting doesn't drag on too long."
"You can take me shopping," Donna teases.
"I can, can I?" Josh smiles.
"Yes. As an apology."
"I didn't make Bonny ill," he protests.
"Not for that."
"I know. I am sorry about what I said. I've been a little off recently."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"No," Josh admits.
"Tell me."
"It's just the anniversary. It'll pass."
Donna suspects it's more than that. He's been shutting her out for weeks now and this morning on the flight he seemed very on edge. "Where you okay on the plane earlier?"
"Yeh, I was.... "Josh stops and shakes his head. "No, not really."
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not here."
As Toby climbs back into bed he hears Josh cry out from the other side of the room. Toby never sleeps well in hotels and this is third time he's noticed Josh having, what he assumes, is a nightmare. He goes over to him and gently shakes his shoulder. "Josh? Hey, wake up."
Josh can hear Toby calling him. He's bleeding and it hurts. People are walking past him, but it's okay now because he can hear Toby calling him. He slowly opens his eyes and looks up, relief flooding through him that he's been found. But something's not right, this isn't the Newseum. Josh blinks hard and stares at Toby trying to focus his thoughts. Gradually he comes back to the present and remembers where he is. He's not bleeding to death at Rosslyn, he's in a hotel room in California. "I'm alright," he manages to whisper.
"No you're not. That's the third time tonight, Josh. What's going on?"
"Nothing," Josh mutters as he closes his eyes again.
"Tell me."
"It was just a nightmare. I get them occasionally."
"This bad?"
"No," Josh reluctantly admits.
"Have you had any other symptoms. Anymore than normal I mean?" Toby notes the surprise on Josh's face. "I have the internet. I did a search of Google after you were diagnosed."
"Right."
"So?"
"I've not been having flashbacks if that's what you're asking."
"But you are having bad episodes?"
"Yeh," Josh nods. "Nightmares mainly, some panic and I've been.... I've been zoning out," he quietly admits.
"You really need to talk to Dr Keyworth, you know that." Toby watches Josh until he nods in agreement. "What started it?"
"Watching a movie." Josh tells Toby the same as he told Leo, even though it's not entirely true. It is true that the nightmares of Rosslyn got worse after he watched Michael Collins, but the episodes have been getting steadily worse since May and his dreams of the fire have been different to normal, which is always a sign that something's wrong.
"I'm going to get Donna to call Dr Keyworth in the morning," Toby tells him.
"How've you been?" Stanley asks as he sits next to Josh on the park bench.
"I've been well. Yourself?"
Stanley smiles. "I've had a slight head cold, but I'm feeling better now." He looks at Josh. "So why'd Donna call me?"
Josh shrugs, "It's the anniversary."
"Is that why you're in San Francisco instead of Washington?"
"I dunno, although this is the third year Leo's sent me away for today, so maybe."
"But you're here to work?"
"Yeh. We had meetings yesterday and this morning. How come you're here?"
"My nephew's getting married."
"I didn't mean to drag you away from a family thing," Josh tells him.
"If you'd ever met my family you'd know that I'm quite happy to sit here all day," Stanley laughs. "So how've you been, and the truth would probably be more helpful this time."
Josh looks across the park and watches some children playing chase with their dog. He glances at Stanley. "I've not been sleeping too well."
"Bad dreams?"
"Yeh."
"Have you had any episodes?"
"Yeh."
"Go on."
Josh looks back across the park. "I've been having panic attacks and zoning out. On the flight here I was trying to read some notes, but I couldn't focus on them. Everything........ You know what happens."
"Yes, but I want you to tell me, that's the point of this. Everything?" Stanley prompts.
"Everything seemed unreal somehow, far away. No that's not it, but I can't think how to describe it. It's like, I knew I was sat on a plane in between Toby and Donna, but I felt like I wasn't really there. I kept trying to concentrate on what I reading, but the words made no sense."
"Go on."
Josh is silent for a few seconds before asking, "When's the wedding?"
"Tomorrow," Stanley replies with a slight smile at Josh attempt to steer the conversation. "On the plane?" he asks.
Josh shrugs. "I felt, numb I guess. Not emotionally, I mean literally. I couldn't hold my pen, it was like my hand wasn't connected to my brain anymore." He looks at Stanley, "Do you know how scary a panic attack is on an aircraft."
"I can imagine. What did you do?"
"Closed my eyes and concentrated on other things."
"And it passed?"
"After about half an hour, yeh."
"Did anyone notice?"
Josh really hopes not. "I think they thought I was asleep."
Stanley nods. "These are worse than normal?"
"Yeh, much worse. Normally I know when I'm having a bad day and I can take measures to control it before it takes hold. But recently, it just hits me without warning."
"You're scared you're going to have flashbacks?" Stanley asks, Josh nods. "Have you?"
"No." Josh smiles suddenly, "And I can listen to music."
Stanley watches him knowingly, "You've been listening to classical music to see what happens?"
"Yeh," Josh admits.
"And what does happen?"
"I get bored," Josh smiles.
"This is nothing like last time you know. For a start when you tell you're not having flashbacks, I believe you. I had a long talk with Donna this morning, you said that was alright?"
Josh nods. "What did she say?"
"She told me about your sister."
"That has nothing to do with this," Josh protests.
Stanley can feel the barriers going up, but he's dealt with Josh's defenses before. "Really? You don't think it's possible that your PTSD goes back to then?" When Josh doesn't respond, Stanley carries on. "That was far more traumatic than Rosslyn."
"You ever been shot, Stanley?"
"No," Stanley smiles, before looking seriously at Josh, "And I've never stood and watched a house fire knowing my sister was trapped inside. But I can imagine which would have a more lasting effect psychologically."
Josh hangs his head and closes his eyes. "I don't want to talk about Joanie."
"Donna tells me she loved music. She played and she wanted to be an orchestra conductor?" Stanley asks, Josh nods but doesn't look up. "Was she good?"
"She'd just won a scholarship."
"Did you enjoy listening to her?"
"Yeh."
"That might explain why music triggered your flashbacks."
"Joanie and Rosslyn aren't connected, not even in my head," Josh insists.
"You don't think?" Stanley asks. "You never mentioned her to me before."
"I'm surprised Leo didn't when you spoke to him."
"He did. He didn't tell me that you were the only other person there or that you felt so guilty." Then Stanley comes to what he knows is the crux of the problem. "Zoey's kidnap wasn't your fault."
Josh looks sideways at Stanley. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"I think you should talk about your sister."
"It was over thirty years ago, it's got nothing to do with how I feel now."
"You know that isn't true, Josh. You know that most of this is related to what happened that night." Stanley shifts position so that he can look at Josh. "Tell me about the fire?"
Josh falls back on misdirection, "This is a very strange place for a therapy session you know."
"We can go someplace else if you'd prefer. Back to your hotel room or mine. But I still want you to talk to me about that night."
Josh sits in silence and thinks how much he preferred his old therapist, Dr Radford. But he knows that a therapist who doesn't bully him isn't going to help him either and there's no way this Stanley is going to let him take seven years to tell the truth.
"Josh?"
"There was a fire, she was trapped I got out."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why was there a fire?"
Josh think back to that night in June 1970. "My parents had gone out for a meal with some friends. We were making popcorn while Joanie was washing up our dinner things and I hovered in the doorway watching the TV in the next room. I turned back into the kitchen and there smoke coming from the popcorn maker......." Josh stares quietly down at his hands as he remembers.
"Joanie it's smoking," Josh tells his elder
sister.
"Stay over there," Joanie instructs as she dashes across the kitchen
and unplugs the machine. It's too late though. The smoke has turned to fire and
it's spreading fast. "Pass me some water."
Josh goes to the sink and fills a jug with the washing up water, but the fire's
already got hold of the curtains and is starting on the kitchen cupboards.
"Come on out," Josh urges as the flames reach the ceiling.
"Go next door and get Mr Fisher," Joanie tells him. "Don't be
scared, it'll be alright," she assures him as he hesitates.
Josh stands at the back door, "Come with me."
"I'll be behind you. Just go, Josh. Run."
Josh opens the back door and runs across the yard. As he reaches the gate he
hears a crash and a roar. He stops and looks back to see if Joanie's behind him,
but all he can see are flames and smoke coming from the kitchen window and door.
He screams her name, but she doesn't appear. He thinks about going back to get
her, but she'd told him to go next door and get help, so he opens the gate,
climbs the small fence between the two houses and hammers on the Fisher's door.
The door's opened by Gladys Fisher, "Josh, what are you doing......."
"It's on fire, the kitchen....." Josh begins, but Gladys has already
seen that.
"Mark, Jack," she shouts for her son and husband, "there's a fire
next door," she calls to them, as she picks up the phone and dials 911.
The men run out of the house and stop and stare for a moment. "Where's your
parents and Joanie?" Jack asks Josh.
"Joanie's in the kitchen," Josh tells them.
They know there's no way they're getting in through the kitchen and they can see
the fire's spreading through the house now. They run to the front door but it's
locked, so they break a window, open it and climb in. Josh and Gladys watch,
Josh struggling to break free, but Gladys has a tight hold of him, as they wait
for their loved ones to appear. After a couple of minutes Mark and Jack stumble
back out of the house and stand coughing.
"We can't get in there," Mark tells his mother in between coughs.
There are tears on his face when he turns to Josh. "I'm sorry, we can't get
to the kitchen."
Stanley watches Josh as the silence drags on. "Josh?"
Josh looks up and frowns. "The fire spread so quickly. I never understood how it spread so quickly. The neighbors tried to get to her. The firefighters came and an ambulance. I should have made her leave with me."
"How old were you?"
"Eight."
"How old was she?"
"Sixteen."
"If you'd have stayed what could you have done?"
Josh shrugs and shakes his head. "Nothing."
"But?" Stanley prompts.
"She wouldn't have been alone."
"Yeh," Stanley agrees. He's been a psychiatrist for long enough to know that Josh's guilt over his sister's death is something that will always be there. "I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could say that would help."
"There isn't. Everyone tells me the same things. My parents, my grandfather, Leo, Sam, Donna. They've all said there was nothing I could have done. It wasn't my fault. I guess I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I was stood right next to her and I left her there."
"Have you had nightmares since then?"
"Yeh."
"Always the same?"
"Yeh."
"Really?" Stanley asks.
"No," Josh admits. Usually his dreams of the fire are of what actually happened. But occasionally they're worse than that. In some he hears her scream for him, that's bad enough. But very occasionally he sees her at the kitchen window as the flames spread round her. Neither of those things happened, but they're the dreams he's been having on and off since May. "Some are worse than others."
"Have they been worse recently?"
Josh tries to block Stanley out again. "It's just 'cos of the anniversary."
"What are they about, Rosslyn or the fire?"
"Stanley." Josh knows Stanley's not going to give up and he might as well tell him. "Both, mainly the fire."
"Started getting worse back in May?"
"Yeh."
"You want me to explain why to you?"
"I'm no challenge at all am I?" Josh asks with a sad smile.
"No," Stanley agrees.
"I should get going, the flight's at 3.40."
Stanley stands with Josh. "You couldn't have done anything to prevent Zoey being kidnapped. You have however done all you can to help her since. She told me you helped persuade her to talk to me."
"She doing okay?" Josh asks, then answers his own question. "Yeh I know you can't tell me."
"No, I can't," Stanley agrees. "When you talk to Dr Hornby do you tell him about Joanie?"
"No."
"You're going to have to, Josh. You need to talk about this. I honestly think your PTSD started back then and if we're going to treat it successfully we have to get to the cause." Stanley can see Josh is going to argue. "I realize it's hard. You trust Dr Hornby?"
Josh nods, "Yeh I do."
"I'm going to pass the notes of today onto him."
"You haven't made any notes."
"In my head," Stanley tells him. "You be okay on the flight home?"
"Yeh, Donna and Toby are with me, I'll be fine."
"See, nothing at all like last time," Stanley smiles. "You would never have let them help back then. Make an appointment with Dr Hornby. I'll be checking with Donna."
"I know. Thanks for seeing me."
"You're my favorite client," Stanley deadpans as he shakes Josh's hand.