Title: Pilots in Fanonland, a Fractured Fairy Tale
Author: Gina Lin Series: Gundam Wing Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF
Summary: Will the GW pilots be able to escape from Fanonland,(and the author's lame-ass sense of humor)? Only by reading this story will you be able to find out. Then pass it on, requesting each person send one dollar.whoops, wrong file! Note: Author's comments in parentheses, character thoughts in / /
Chapter 1
"Heero, why are we all in the same safehouse?" Duo woke up in a field of poppies (which turned out to be a really ugly bedspread in a Motel 6 outside of Salinas, Kansas, but I'm getting ahead of myself) rubbing his violet, amethyst, purple, violet blue, cerulean, blue violet eyes. /They're blue godammit, get over it!" Duo wondered for a moment why fangirls were so obsessed with his eye color./
"I don't know." The messy, chocolate, shaggy haired Japanese boy looked around the strange room and shrugged.
Quatre blinked his huge, innocent aquamarine eyes. (Yes, Mary Sue, I forgot " clear" and "shining". Quatre's eyes are always clear and shining in fanon, even when he's had no sleep for 3 days, has the flu and is piss drunk. Now shut up, or I'm going to slap you for being such an asshat! Where was I? Oh right.)
"Heero, Duo, we must be in Fanonland!" Quatre squealed. The other pilots startled at hearing this, because the only time any of them had heard Quatre squeal before was when Duo had put a big tack on Sandrock's seat. (Boy, did Duo get his ass whipped for that! Oh, sorry, back to the story.)
"I feel so odd." Quatre put his hand to his forehead. "Do I have a fever?"
"No, but you do look a little.smaller." Duo gasped, staring at him.
"Suddenly, I can't think, and Allah, my genitals are shrinking! I think I must be turning into Pansy!"
"Pansy?" Duo grabbed his shining, beautiful-beyond-all-reason-braid in distress. (25,000 fangirls sighed, causing a major low-pressure front off the coast of Japan. The resulting typhoon killed 1357 people; film at 11:00.)
"Why do you think we're in this "Fanonland?" Wufei had awakened, and was looking skeptical.
Then some strange force compelled him to place his hand on his katana (Which was odd in and of itself, because he never slept thusly. Sleeping with sharp, pointy objects is a no-no, boys and girls, and Wufei does not recommend it.) then look frantically around for a "weak onna" to decapitate. Since he'd never been a rabid misogynist before, this was highly disturbing.
"We are all acting in a completely out of character fashion; and we're in a situation that never once occurred in the series." Trowa now also awake, summed up succinctly. "We were never once all in the same safehouse. And I know for damn sure Wufei does not sleep with his katana."
Wufei smirked, then looked at Quatre with growing concern. Quatre had shrunk alarmingly. He was now the size of an 8 year-old boy and was wearing.a bunny suit? Wufei blinked hard, trying to clear his eyes of this disturbing vision. (At this moment, The SDQB-The Society to Defend Quatre's Balls went to Defcon 3, sensing through their special empathic powers a possible Pansy alert.)
"Quite a speech, Tro." Duo unbuttoned his priest's collar. "Say is it just me, or is it hot in here?" He opened the top of his shirt, and ran his hand over his chest, which had become shiny with perspiration.
"Not for long I fear, Duo." Trowa looked troubled. "If we truly are in Fanonland, I'll be speaking in monosyllables before the night is over."
"That's nothing compared to what's happening to me!" Quatre looked scared in his bunny suit, and yet strangely neither of his lovers felt the need to reassure him.
"It's as I feared, Quatre has become 'Pansy'." Heero shook his head. The other pilots looked puzzled. "Pansy is Quatre's alter ego in Fanonland. He's weak, insipid, and probably unable to pilot a Gundam because of his dramatically reduced IQ."
Quatre began to cry, copious tears running down his face. Trowa turned away, knowing this was an odd reaction for him. He tried to summon up compassion for Quatre, but felt strangely stifled.
"What the hell?" Duo stared at the blond boy. "I've never seen Quatre cry like that!"
"It's the Pansy effect," explained Heero. "He can't help himself."
"How do you know all this stuff?" Duo had taken off his shirt and was absently fondling his nipples.
"I've run into fanon on the Internet. It's inevitable, it's everywhere. You're being affected too, Duo."
"Who me?" Duo leaned back seductively and unfastened his pants. "I don't know what you're talking about, Hee-chan."
"You never call me Hee-chan except when you're coming on to me. Think about it."
"Skippy." Trowa nodded his head in Duo's direction.
"Who is Skippy?" Wufei reached up suddenly and put his hand to his nose. To his surprise, it was bleeding. /What the hell? My nose doesn't bleed for no reason!/
"Skippy is Duo's Fanonland alter ego." Heero recited facts mechanically, and glared unnecessarily at Duo. "Skippy refers to a brand of peanut butter that is 'easily spread'."
(The SDDI-The Society to Defend Duo's Intelligence-also went on yellow alert at this point.)
Heero magically pulled a laptop out of his spandex shorts. (Spandex Black Hole Storage TM, "Serving all your 4th Dimensional Storage Needs!") He began to type furiously, searching and hacking various fanfiction sites.
Trowa suddenly and disturbingly became interested in Quatre, now that he was shota bait. Then he realized that he was becoming SBT. Silent Bastard Trowa. Unfortunately, he didn't care.
"What's Duo doing?" Pansy huddled behind Wufei who resisted the urge to run the boy through, knowing it was out of character. He attempted to meditate, but found his brain was only capable of meaningless rants against women, weakness and injustice.
"He's become Skippy." Duo was totally naked now, and attempting to rub himself frantically against the other pilots. Heero, having lost his sex drive as he gradually became the automaton "Perfect Soldier" ignored him at first, and then tried to push him away.
"He wants to do naughty things with his wee-wee!" Pansy shrieked.
Wufei looked at Quatre with astonishment, then gave Heero an inquiring look.
"Pansy also has no knowledge of anything sexual."
"That's gonna put a damper on the orgy!" Skippy approached Pansy with a raging hard-on and the bunny-suited boy squeaked in alarm and hid under the bed. (He was now small enough to fit under there.)
"Heero." Trowa was now reduced to monosyllables, as he had predicted. "Must. leave Fanon.land."
"I know." Heero squared his wiry frame. "Mission accepted." He reached into his form fitting shorts and pulled out a pistol. (Spandex Black Hole Storage TM, Serving all Your..Hey, you guys got a plug earlier, get lost!)
Wufei was nearly anemic from his nosebleed as Skippy chased him around the room, trying frantically to rub himself on the Chinese youth.
Trowa continued to ignore Quatre's pitiful sobbing. "You insensitive beast!" cried Pansy, attempting to rip his non-existent bodice as he beat his small fists weakly against SBT's chest.
Finally Skippy, exhausted from his fruitless attempts to seduce the other pilots, ran to the bathroom to "relieve" himself of his massive "problem". Wufei attempted to staunch his nosebleed with one of those under-sized cheap-ass rough towels they always give you at Motel 6.
Heero realized at that point, it was up to him to save his friends. He must find the Dread Mary Sue responsible for Fanonland, and slay her!
TBC
Author: Gina Lin Series: Gundam Wing Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF
Summary: Will the GW pilots be able to escape from Fanonland,(and the author's lame-ass sense of humor)? Only by reading this story will you be able to find out. Then pass it on, requesting each person send one dollar.whoops, wrong file! Note: Author's comments in parentheses, character thoughts in / /
Chapter 1
"Heero, why are we all in the same safehouse?" Duo woke up in a field of poppies (which turned out to be a really ugly bedspread in a Motel 6 outside of Salinas, Kansas, but I'm getting ahead of myself) rubbing his violet, amethyst, purple, violet blue, cerulean, blue violet eyes. /They're blue godammit, get over it!" Duo wondered for a moment why fangirls were so obsessed with his eye color./
"I don't know." The messy, chocolate, shaggy haired Japanese boy looked around the strange room and shrugged.
Quatre blinked his huge, innocent aquamarine eyes. (Yes, Mary Sue, I forgot " clear" and "shining". Quatre's eyes are always clear and shining in fanon, even when he's had no sleep for 3 days, has the flu and is piss drunk. Now shut up, or I'm going to slap you for being such an asshat! Where was I? Oh right.)
"Heero, Duo, we must be in Fanonland!" Quatre squealed. The other pilots startled at hearing this, because the only time any of them had heard Quatre squeal before was when Duo had put a big tack on Sandrock's seat. (Boy, did Duo get his ass whipped for that! Oh, sorry, back to the story.)
"I feel so odd." Quatre put his hand to his forehead. "Do I have a fever?"
"No, but you do look a little.smaller." Duo gasped, staring at him.
"Suddenly, I can't think, and Allah, my genitals are shrinking! I think I must be turning into Pansy!"
"Pansy?" Duo grabbed his shining, beautiful-beyond-all-reason-braid in distress. (25,000 fangirls sighed, causing a major low-pressure front off the coast of Japan. The resulting typhoon killed 1357 people; film at 11:00.)
"Why do you think we're in this "Fanonland?" Wufei had awakened, and was looking skeptical.
Then some strange force compelled him to place his hand on his katana (Which was odd in and of itself, because he never slept thusly. Sleeping with sharp, pointy objects is a no-no, boys and girls, and Wufei does not recommend it.) then look frantically around for a "weak onna" to decapitate. Since he'd never been a rabid misogynist before, this was highly disturbing.
"We are all acting in a completely out of character fashion; and we're in a situation that never once occurred in the series." Trowa now also awake, summed up succinctly. "We were never once all in the same safehouse. And I know for damn sure Wufei does not sleep with his katana."
Wufei smirked, then looked at Quatre with growing concern. Quatre had shrunk alarmingly. He was now the size of an 8 year-old boy and was wearing.a bunny suit? Wufei blinked hard, trying to clear his eyes of this disturbing vision. (At this moment, The SDQB-The Society to Defend Quatre's Balls went to Defcon 3, sensing through their special empathic powers a possible Pansy alert.)
"Quite a speech, Tro." Duo unbuttoned his priest's collar. "Say is it just me, or is it hot in here?" He opened the top of his shirt, and ran his hand over his chest, which had become shiny with perspiration.
"Not for long I fear, Duo." Trowa looked troubled. "If we truly are in Fanonland, I'll be speaking in monosyllables before the night is over."
"That's nothing compared to what's happening to me!" Quatre looked scared in his bunny suit, and yet strangely neither of his lovers felt the need to reassure him.
"It's as I feared, Quatre has become 'Pansy'." Heero shook his head. The other pilots looked puzzled. "Pansy is Quatre's alter ego in Fanonland. He's weak, insipid, and probably unable to pilot a Gundam because of his dramatically reduced IQ."
Quatre began to cry, copious tears running down his face. Trowa turned away, knowing this was an odd reaction for him. He tried to summon up compassion for Quatre, but felt strangely stifled.
"What the hell?" Duo stared at the blond boy. "I've never seen Quatre cry like that!"
"It's the Pansy effect," explained Heero. "He can't help himself."
"How do you know all this stuff?" Duo had taken off his shirt and was absently fondling his nipples.
"I've run into fanon on the Internet. It's inevitable, it's everywhere. You're being affected too, Duo."
"Who me?" Duo leaned back seductively and unfastened his pants. "I don't know what you're talking about, Hee-chan."
"You never call me Hee-chan except when you're coming on to me. Think about it."
"Skippy." Trowa nodded his head in Duo's direction.
"Who is Skippy?" Wufei reached up suddenly and put his hand to his nose. To his surprise, it was bleeding. /What the hell? My nose doesn't bleed for no reason!/
"Skippy is Duo's Fanonland alter ego." Heero recited facts mechanically, and glared unnecessarily at Duo. "Skippy refers to a brand of peanut butter that is 'easily spread'."
(The SDDI-The Society to Defend Duo's Intelligence-also went on yellow alert at this point.)
Heero magically pulled a laptop out of his spandex shorts. (Spandex Black Hole Storage TM, "Serving all your 4th Dimensional Storage Needs!") He began to type furiously, searching and hacking various fanfiction sites.
Trowa suddenly and disturbingly became interested in Quatre, now that he was shota bait. Then he realized that he was becoming SBT. Silent Bastard Trowa. Unfortunately, he didn't care.
"What's Duo doing?" Pansy huddled behind Wufei who resisted the urge to run the boy through, knowing it was out of character. He attempted to meditate, but found his brain was only capable of meaningless rants against women, weakness and injustice.
"He's become Skippy." Duo was totally naked now, and attempting to rub himself frantically against the other pilots. Heero, having lost his sex drive as he gradually became the automaton "Perfect Soldier" ignored him at first, and then tried to push him away.
"He wants to do naughty things with his wee-wee!" Pansy shrieked.
Wufei looked at Quatre with astonishment, then gave Heero an inquiring look.
"Pansy also has no knowledge of anything sexual."
"That's gonna put a damper on the orgy!" Skippy approached Pansy with a raging hard-on and the bunny-suited boy squeaked in alarm and hid under the bed. (He was now small enough to fit under there.)
"Heero." Trowa was now reduced to monosyllables, as he had predicted. "Must. leave Fanon.land."
"I know." Heero squared his wiry frame. "Mission accepted." He reached into his form fitting shorts and pulled out a pistol. (Spandex Black Hole Storage TM, Serving all Your..Hey, you guys got a plug earlier, get lost!)
Wufei was nearly anemic from his nosebleed as Skippy chased him around the room, trying frantically to rub himself on the Chinese youth.
Trowa continued to ignore Quatre's pitiful sobbing. "You insensitive beast!" cried Pansy, attempting to rip his non-existent bodice as he beat his small fists weakly against SBT's chest.
Finally Skippy, exhausted from his fruitless attempts to seduce the other pilots, ran to the bathroom to "relieve" himself of his massive "problem". Wufei attempted to staunch his nosebleed with one of those under-sized cheap-ass rough towels they always give you at Motel 6.
Heero realized at that point, it was up to him to save his friends. He must find the Dread Mary Sue responsible for Fanonland, and slay her!
TBC