Title: Pilots in Fanonland, a Fractured Fairy Tale
Authors: Gina Lin and Al Hael Series: Gundam Wing/Star Trek Xover(this chapter, contributed by Al Hael) Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF
Disclaimer: I don't make money writing fanfiction about the characters from Gundam Wing. Especially stuff like this. Thanks to Mandy, Alleyprowler, Anne, Bast, Hexidecimalrebooted, and Rain for sharing and contributing content to this story. Flames will be used to roast hot dogs and marshmallows for the characters as they laugh at you.
Chapter 3
Captain's log : Stardate 149.5-
Captain Ah Hael of The FF Muse (that's The F*cking Fickle Muse):
We have set out on a mission to find out what happened to the much beloved Gundam Wing characters. At first it was believed that they disappeared because the series was over, but now we have found evidence that they may be lost in Fanonland. Fanonland is a world that is reputed to distort everything beyond its original state. Before I risk my ship and crew in such a world I must be absolutely sure they are there. *********** "Ensign Shan report."
"Sir we have a confirmed sighting of six of the Gundam Wing characters," the ensign replied sharply. "The initial findings do support that they are in Fanonland."
"Explain."
"Heero was seen wearing those spandex shorts of his with the unlimited storage capacity. Wufei was brandishing his katana and spouting Japanese."
"Damn! Did you see any other character distortions? What about Duo?" It did sound like typical Fanon distortion, but they needed more to go on.
"His IQ fell into the basement and he was displaying an alarming libido."
"Quatre?"
"Weeping fountains of tears in a bunny outfit sir."
"Trowa."
"I couldn't tell. He seemed incapable of speech. Treize was resurrected from the dead, though."
"Hmmm. Any anomalies? Any reason to think this may not be Fanonland?"
"Well Relena didn't show up with a grossly exaggerated annoying voice stalking Heero like a rabid she wolf."
The Captain turned to the science Officer Lieutenant Commander McCracken. "If we try to go in to rescue them, what risk is it to us?"
"Well sir, I estimate 70 to 80 percent of the crew will turn female, the bulk of them will be in their teens and will probably exhibit groupie syndrome."
The Captain paused for a moment unsure if she wanted to take such a risk. "Tell me ensign, was there any yaoi?"
The ensign quickly reviewed the research he had and had to smile at the captain. "Confirmed sir! All five pilots are homosexual, and romantically involved with each other. Regardless of the statistically laughable likelihood that such a thing could happen outside a gay bar!"
"Very well then. Let's go rescue those characters. Creativity engines on full!"
"Aye, Captain!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I think we're safe for now." Trowa braved a look outside of the room they had awoken in. "It seems perfectly normal outside."
"That could be an illusion." Quatre shook his head. "I just feel something is very wrong."
"Heero, what do you think?" Quatre looked back at the figure of his friend, who was thankfully still looking like his usual self.
"If I had Wing Zero, I'd show Dread Mary Sue what happens when you screw with a Gundam Pilot!"
"Hee-chan, oops, I mean Heero," Duo corrected himself, "We all know that fangirls never write about our Gundams, except as a place to get laid! Poor Deathscythe has been spooged on more often than the seats in a XXX theater!"
"I bet if I had Heavyarms, she'd forget to give me ammunition anyway." Trowa sighed loudly. "Everyone thinks that's so damn funny."
"What about me?" Wufei stood up indignantly. "Everyone thinks I'm screwing my Gundam. Calling it Nataku is a spiritual thing! It's disgusting!"
"I will not subject my Sandrock to such things!" Quatre folded his arms.
"Oh, come on, " Trowa looked at him. "We actually did do that!"
"Just that once!" Quatre blushed and looked studiously out the window.
"Actually, I tried it once with Hilde, then once with Heero." Duo grinned. Everyone looked at him with various degrees of surprise.
"Hey, I'm a teenager, I was experimenting with my sexual orientation issues!"
"Noin." Zechs blurted out and sat down heavily. "She just kept pestering me until we tried it."
"What about you Heero? Wing Zero getting any action?"
"Having sex in my Gundam exceeds the parameters of my training."
"Riiight!" Duo laughed and slapped his leg. "This sound familiar? "Oh, Heero, harder, faster, more, more, oh, Heero you're so big!" Duo did a passing good imitation of Relena.
Heero glared at him. "No more nookie for you, buddy."
Zechs narrowed his eyes dangerously and ground his teeth, walking over to Heero. "Later," he growled and turned away on his heel.
"I must be the only one around here with a normal hormone level." Wufei looked down his nose at the other pilots.
"Excuse me, but aren't you forgetting something?" Treize interjected smoothly.
"We had a sword fight!" Wufei shot him a hard look.
"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" Treize asked, smirking at him.
"Stop that!" Wufei threw a pillow in the general direction of Treize's head.
"Pillow fight!" yelled Duo, grabbing one and smacking Zechs from behind on the butt.
"You sneak!" Zechs grabbed a pillow of his own and swung back at Duo, missing as Duo ducked at the last moment.
"Heero, load up!" Duo threw him a pillow. Heero caught the pillow smoothly in mid air and swung hard, knocking Zechs down to the bed.
Quatre laughed as he was nailed by a flying sofa cushion. He grabbed it and smacked the first person near him, which happened to be Treize.
"What the?" Treize looked up from all fours on the floor. "Dog pile!" yelled Duo, pushing Wufei over on top of Treize, then diving on top of them both. Wufei cursed in Cantonese and then giggled uncontrollably as Treize began to tickle him.
"Oh no!" said Trowa.
"What?" Quatre , Heero, and Zechs said in unison.
"It's the Dread Mary Sue again!" Trowa explained urgently. "She's trying to write over the top comedy. Look at us, we're all acting like total idiots!"
Treize left off tickling Wufei, who was now able to catch his breath. "I think Trowa is right!" Treize stood up and offered Wufei a hand.
"This is totally out of character for me." He paused. "But it was fun." He smiled at Wufei.
"Not all OOC is unpleasant." Trowa looked around. "I've had a few very nice threesomes with Quatre and Wufei." Wufei blushed and dug his toe into the rough rust colored carpet.
"Yeah, but it's still out of character!" Duo protested. "If it's not in the warnings, some readers will think we always act like this!"
"Quatre, what's wrong?" Trowa looked over to see Quatre clutching his chest and falling to his knees.
"My Space Heart!" he gasped. "Trowa, someone is coming to rescue us!" He smiled sweetly (You know that smile, ^_~) at the assembly.
"Can you tell who it is?" Heero asked, kneeling on one side as Trowa knelt on the other beside him.
"Not exactly, but I feel its someone who understands our suffering first hand. They've also been sucked repeatedly into Fanonland!"
"I wonder who they could be?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Captain, I've located the Gundam Wing cast!" Lieutenant Commander McCracken sounded as excited as Captain Al Hael had ever heard her.
"Any female characters?" The Captain nervously licked her lips, and smoothed her hair back, thrusting out a hip.
"No, no female characters detected, Ma'am!" McCracken straightened from her viewscreen. "Fangirls rarely write the female characters except to bash them."
"I know." Captain Al Hael sighed. "It's a shame too, because they're great characters."
"Ma'am I'm sensing that someone is sensing us!" Ship's counselor Sirena from Beta Zed entered the bridge. "I'm getting heart palpitations plus the urge to squeal uncontrollably. I'm sure we're near bishounen!"
"All hands, this is the Captain!" Al Hael hit the intercom. "Prepare for battle, this is not a drill, battle stations!" The red alert siren came on, along with the claxon.
"But Ma'am I'm not sensing the Dread Mary Sue!" Sirena simpered and bent over to expose her cleavage to Ensign Shan, who ignored it as usual. He'd seen her boobs more than the legendary Captain Kirk had seduced green alien women. Besides, he was gayer than springtime.
"Rest assured, Lieutenant, wherever bishounen are, you'll find the Dread Mary Sue! Now go put your real uniform on, you look like a slut!"
"Jealous bitch!" Sirena tossed her long loose hair (also against Star Fleet regulations) and strutted off the bridge.
"Too bad the crew is 90% female, or she'd really be getting lucky." Captain Al Hael thought to herself. "She is kind of cute, in an obvious sort of way." She glanced over at McCracken and surreptitiously waggled her fingers at the stoic science officer.
"All right, Ensign turn off that damn red alert, it's giving me a friggin migraine!" The captain sighed with relief and rubbed her forehead as Ensign Shan reached over and pressed a display.
"Ma'am, I'm detecting something soft and mushy off the forward bow." McCracken announced this in her usual calm tone. "Judging from the high levels of chocolate and diet soda and the low levels of maturity showing up on my scanners, I'd say we've found our quarry."
"The Dread Mary Sue!" Al Hael jumped to her feet. "We've got her now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TBC
Authors: Gina Lin and Al Hael Series: Gundam Wing/Star Trek Xover(this chapter, contributed by Al Hael) Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF
Disclaimer: I don't make money writing fanfiction about the characters from Gundam Wing. Especially stuff like this. Thanks to Mandy, Alleyprowler, Anne, Bast, Hexidecimalrebooted, and Rain for sharing and contributing content to this story. Flames will be used to roast hot dogs and marshmallows for the characters as they laugh at you.
Chapter 3
Captain's log : Stardate 149.5-
Captain Ah Hael of The FF Muse (that's The F*cking Fickle Muse):
We have set out on a mission to find out what happened to the much beloved Gundam Wing characters. At first it was believed that they disappeared because the series was over, but now we have found evidence that they may be lost in Fanonland. Fanonland is a world that is reputed to distort everything beyond its original state. Before I risk my ship and crew in such a world I must be absolutely sure they are there. *********** "Ensign Shan report."
"Sir we have a confirmed sighting of six of the Gundam Wing characters," the ensign replied sharply. "The initial findings do support that they are in Fanonland."
"Explain."
"Heero was seen wearing those spandex shorts of his with the unlimited storage capacity. Wufei was brandishing his katana and spouting Japanese."
"Damn! Did you see any other character distortions? What about Duo?" It did sound like typical Fanon distortion, but they needed more to go on.
"His IQ fell into the basement and he was displaying an alarming libido."
"Quatre?"
"Weeping fountains of tears in a bunny outfit sir."
"Trowa."
"I couldn't tell. He seemed incapable of speech. Treize was resurrected from the dead, though."
"Hmmm. Any anomalies? Any reason to think this may not be Fanonland?"
"Well Relena didn't show up with a grossly exaggerated annoying voice stalking Heero like a rabid she wolf."
The Captain turned to the science Officer Lieutenant Commander McCracken. "If we try to go in to rescue them, what risk is it to us?"
"Well sir, I estimate 70 to 80 percent of the crew will turn female, the bulk of them will be in their teens and will probably exhibit groupie syndrome."
The Captain paused for a moment unsure if she wanted to take such a risk. "Tell me ensign, was there any yaoi?"
The ensign quickly reviewed the research he had and had to smile at the captain. "Confirmed sir! All five pilots are homosexual, and romantically involved with each other. Regardless of the statistically laughable likelihood that such a thing could happen outside a gay bar!"
"Very well then. Let's go rescue those characters. Creativity engines on full!"
"Aye, Captain!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I think we're safe for now." Trowa braved a look outside of the room they had awoken in. "It seems perfectly normal outside."
"That could be an illusion." Quatre shook his head. "I just feel something is very wrong."
"Heero, what do you think?" Quatre looked back at the figure of his friend, who was thankfully still looking like his usual self.
"If I had Wing Zero, I'd show Dread Mary Sue what happens when you screw with a Gundam Pilot!"
"Hee-chan, oops, I mean Heero," Duo corrected himself, "We all know that fangirls never write about our Gundams, except as a place to get laid! Poor Deathscythe has been spooged on more often than the seats in a XXX theater!"
"I bet if I had Heavyarms, she'd forget to give me ammunition anyway." Trowa sighed loudly. "Everyone thinks that's so damn funny."
"What about me?" Wufei stood up indignantly. "Everyone thinks I'm screwing my Gundam. Calling it Nataku is a spiritual thing! It's disgusting!"
"I will not subject my Sandrock to such things!" Quatre folded his arms.
"Oh, come on, " Trowa looked at him. "We actually did do that!"
"Just that once!" Quatre blushed and looked studiously out the window.
"Actually, I tried it once with Hilde, then once with Heero." Duo grinned. Everyone looked at him with various degrees of surprise.
"Hey, I'm a teenager, I was experimenting with my sexual orientation issues!"
"Noin." Zechs blurted out and sat down heavily. "She just kept pestering me until we tried it."
"What about you Heero? Wing Zero getting any action?"
"Having sex in my Gundam exceeds the parameters of my training."
"Riiight!" Duo laughed and slapped his leg. "This sound familiar? "Oh, Heero, harder, faster, more, more, oh, Heero you're so big!" Duo did a passing good imitation of Relena.
Heero glared at him. "No more nookie for you, buddy."
Zechs narrowed his eyes dangerously and ground his teeth, walking over to Heero. "Later," he growled and turned away on his heel.
"I must be the only one around here with a normal hormone level." Wufei looked down his nose at the other pilots.
"Excuse me, but aren't you forgetting something?" Treize interjected smoothly.
"We had a sword fight!" Wufei shot him a hard look.
"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" Treize asked, smirking at him.
"Stop that!" Wufei threw a pillow in the general direction of Treize's head.
"Pillow fight!" yelled Duo, grabbing one and smacking Zechs from behind on the butt.
"You sneak!" Zechs grabbed a pillow of his own and swung back at Duo, missing as Duo ducked at the last moment.
"Heero, load up!" Duo threw him a pillow. Heero caught the pillow smoothly in mid air and swung hard, knocking Zechs down to the bed.
Quatre laughed as he was nailed by a flying sofa cushion. He grabbed it and smacked the first person near him, which happened to be Treize.
"What the?" Treize looked up from all fours on the floor. "Dog pile!" yelled Duo, pushing Wufei over on top of Treize, then diving on top of them both. Wufei cursed in Cantonese and then giggled uncontrollably as Treize began to tickle him.
"Oh no!" said Trowa.
"What?" Quatre , Heero, and Zechs said in unison.
"It's the Dread Mary Sue again!" Trowa explained urgently. "She's trying to write over the top comedy. Look at us, we're all acting like total idiots!"
Treize left off tickling Wufei, who was now able to catch his breath. "I think Trowa is right!" Treize stood up and offered Wufei a hand.
"This is totally out of character for me." He paused. "But it was fun." He smiled at Wufei.
"Not all OOC is unpleasant." Trowa looked around. "I've had a few very nice threesomes with Quatre and Wufei." Wufei blushed and dug his toe into the rough rust colored carpet.
"Yeah, but it's still out of character!" Duo protested. "If it's not in the warnings, some readers will think we always act like this!"
"Quatre, what's wrong?" Trowa looked over to see Quatre clutching his chest and falling to his knees.
"My Space Heart!" he gasped. "Trowa, someone is coming to rescue us!" He smiled sweetly (You know that smile, ^_~) at the assembly.
"Can you tell who it is?" Heero asked, kneeling on one side as Trowa knelt on the other beside him.
"Not exactly, but I feel its someone who understands our suffering first hand. They've also been sucked repeatedly into Fanonland!"
"I wonder who they could be?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Captain, I've located the Gundam Wing cast!" Lieutenant Commander McCracken sounded as excited as Captain Al Hael had ever heard her.
"Any female characters?" The Captain nervously licked her lips, and smoothed her hair back, thrusting out a hip.
"No, no female characters detected, Ma'am!" McCracken straightened from her viewscreen. "Fangirls rarely write the female characters except to bash them."
"I know." Captain Al Hael sighed. "It's a shame too, because they're great characters."
"Ma'am I'm sensing that someone is sensing us!" Ship's counselor Sirena from Beta Zed entered the bridge. "I'm getting heart palpitations plus the urge to squeal uncontrollably. I'm sure we're near bishounen!"
"All hands, this is the Captain!" Al Hael hit the intercom. "Prepare for battle, this is not a drill, battle stations!" The red alert siren came on, along with the claxon.
"But Ma'am I'm not sensing the Dread Mary Sue!" Sirena simpered and bent over to expose her cleavage to Ensign Shan, who ignored it as usual. He'd seen her boobs more than the legendary Captain Kirk had seduced green alien women. Besides, he was gayer than springtime.
"Rest assured, Lieutenant, wherever bishounen are, you'll find the Dread Mary Sue! Now go put your real uniform on, you look like a slut!"
"Jealous bitch!" Sirena tossed her long loose hair (also against Star Fleet regulations) and strutted off the bridge.
"Too bad the crew is 90% female, or she'd really be getting lucky." Captain Al Hael thought to herself. "She is kind of cute, in an obvious sort of way." She glanced over at McCracken and surreptitiously waggled her fingers at the stoic science officer.
"All right, Ensign turn off that damn red alert, it's giving me a friggin migraine!" The captain sighed with relief and rubbed her forehead as Ensign Shan reached over and pressed a display.
"Ma'am, I'm detecting something soft and mushy off the forward bow." McCracken announced this in her usual calm tone. "Judging from the high levels of chocolate and diet soda and the low levels of maturity showing up on my scanners, I'd say we've found our quarry."
"The Dread Mary Sue!" Al Hael jumped to her feet. "We've got her now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TBC