Fanatic: Hojo
By: Tifa Gainsborough
~*~*~*~*
Kinneas: I'm hosting the show today!!! That's right, MEEEEEEEE!!!!
Casey Crystal and Tifa Gainsborough stand behind Kinneas, both in a pair of Turk sunglasses. Tifa G coughs and Kinneas spins around.
Kinneas: SILENCE! Don't make me go postal on your ass. I'm hosting the show, you said I could, you can't get it back!
Tifa G: I didn't say anything!
Kinneas: Yes you did! You want my job, you are jealous! BWAHAHAHA!!!!
Tifa G: But I…
Casey: Technically you did say something when you said "I didn't say anything!"
Tifa G: CASEY! Why are you against me?
Kinneas: HAHAHAHA. Okay, on today's show, THAT I AM HOSTING! Ha, take that Lila. coughs On today's show Akira Silveracious Majere will be interview that pathetic excuse for a man, Hojo.
Tifa G: Kin, you can't say that. You have to be fair to the-
Kinneas punt kicks Tifa G out of Fanatic.
Kinneas: I HOST! Let's go get Akira Silveracious Majere.
~*~*~*~
Somewhere far away, Rufus Shinra and Sephiroth can be seen having a discussion with a shadowy figure.
Shadowy Figure: So do we have a deal?
Rufus: Yeah sure, whatever. examines his nails
Shadowy figure grabs Rufus by his jacket and lifts him off the ground. Rufus feet dangle a few inches off the ground. Sephiroth smirks at poor Rufus' predicament.
Shadowy Figure: Do we have a deal or not?
Rufus: Yes! Now put me down you psychopathic Hojo experiment reject!
The shadowy figure drops Rufus on his ass and Sephiroth laughs manically.
Shadowy Figure: Careful pretty boy, or your next.
Sephiroth: You think I'm pretty? I'm cute! prances around I'm cute! Cute and oh so pretty!
Rufus: If you will excuse us, my associate and I need to have a conversation. bashes Sephiroth over the head with his shotgun You are not cute nor pretty! I am the Shinra pin-up boy! NOT YOU!
Shadowy Figure sees where this conversation is leading up to and bolts.
~*~*~*
Elsewhere Kinneas and Casey are on a mad hunt for Akira Silveracious Majere. Actually, they are sitting on a bench waiting for Akira Silveracious Majere to accidentally stumble upon them.
Casey: Usually we are suppose to go get them, not have them come to us.
Kinneas: Who's hosting the show?
Casey: Is that a trick question?
Kinneas: Do you want it to be?
Casey: No.
Kinneas: You sure?
Casey: Yes.
Kinneas: Really?
Casey: Yes.
Kinneas: Really?
Casey: Yes.
Kinneas: REALLY?!?!?
Akira Silveracious Majere: Yes really!
Kinneas turns to Casey and sticks her tongue out.
Kinneas: Told ya she would find us! jumps to her feet and grabs Akira Silveracious Majere's hand shaking is madly Hi! I'm Kinneas and you have been chosen to appear on Fanatic to interview cough Hojo….
Akira Silveracious Majere: Really? Let's go!!!
~*~*~*
First Impressions
Akira Silveracious Majere: I'm gonna meet Hojo! hugs her Hojo plushie For a souvenir, I think I'm going to steal his lab coat! Cause I've always wanted a nice big white lab coat! Like the nice happy men wear!
Hojo: Jenova oh great bringer of life! coughs Fans… Fans… I shall use this fan to make a legion of fan clones! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
~*~*~*
Steam billows around Kinneas, Casey, and Akira Silveracious Majere are standing in Shinra's version of a Japanese bathhouse. Casey gapes at Reno and Tseng who are lounging up to their chins in a big pool. Kinneas 'eeps' as Palmer walks by in the buck. Akira Silveracious Majere is searching around from Hojo. All three girls are, thankfully, dressed.
Kinneas: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Casey: I second that.
Akira Silveracious Majere: HOJO!!! Where is my Hojo?
Hojo walks up dressed in his normal attire. Casey and Kinneas sigh happily till President Shinra walks by, also in the nude and playfully slaps Akira Silveracious Majere's ass. Kinneas and Casey bolt.
Akira Silveracious Majere: DIE! jabs at President Shinra with her Spork of Doom™
Hojo: Are you my fan?
Akira Silveracious Majere: I AM! they sit in a corner, only after kicking some poor sap out of it. I've got questions!
Hojo: Fire away.
Akira Silveracious Majere: To start off, why the cheatin ho Lucrecia? Were you insane!
Hojo: Well, you see, I knew Lucrecia would have gone along with the experiment. She was so dedicated to her work.
Akira Silveracious Majere: So you didn't love her?
Hojo: No, for I love only one balls fists and thrusts them into the air JENOVA! Oh great bringer of life!
Akira Silveracious Majere: That's nice. It's amusing that you knew Lucci-deary was cheatin' on you with Vinny, why did you allow it?
Hojo: She cheated on me with Valentine?
Akira Silveracious Majere: Uh… yeah.
Hojo: I… bursts into sobs I didn't sniff know! wails
Akira Silveracious Majere: I thought you said you didn't love her?
Hojo: sighs I know.
Akira Silveracious Majere: O-kay… How did you get such a hottie for a son? I think the planet is dying to know.
Hojo: I use to be quite dashing in my youth. adjusts his glasses.
Akira Silveracious Majere: Of course. Okay, I believe it's a tradition, boxers or briefs? Or do ya like is breezy? winks
Hojo: Some day's boxers other days I prefer flying free!
Akira Silveracious Majere: How did you get so obsessed with Jenova.
Hojo: JENOVA! Bringer of life! I think Jenova is so interesting because little is known about her. We don't know where she came from or how she has managed to stay alive for all these years.
Akira Silveracious Majere: Interesting thoughts there. Why did you wound Ifalna so badly since she was the last of her kind?
Hojo: I did not harm her. But when she escaped those damn guards disregarded my orders and try to stop her by shooting her. Those particular guards are no longer with us.
Akira Silveracious Majere: If you still had control of Sephy-kun and Aerith-chan, what your plans be?
Hojo: To breed them and get a super Cetra!
Akira Silveracious Majere: grabs Hojo's hands, eyes lighting up Really?
Hojo: eyes sparkle Really!
Akira Silveracious Majere: I knew there was a great reason I liked you! Okay, what are your thoughts on all this you and Vincent yaoi?
Hojo: Horrible, simply horrible.
Akira Silveracious Majere: What do you look for in a lab assistant?
Hojo: One that shares my enthusiasm for science.
Akira Silveracious Majere: Hey, there tiger, are ya single?
Hojo: I am married to my science.
Akira Silveracious Majere scowls. Without warning she jumps Hojo and pries him out of his lab coat and dashes off.
~*~*~*
Second Impression
Akira Silveracious Majere: Hojo is just so cool! snuggles the lab coat
Hojo: My lab coat! My beloved lab coat and she stole it! I've had that coat forever! It was my favorite, in fact the only one I owned.
Casey wanders up and pats Hojo on the shoulder. Glancing up at the Shinra building, glad to be out of the bathhouse.
Casey: Sorry to hear 'bout your lab coat Hojo.
Hojo: Say, my dear Casey…
Casey: Uh-oh….
Hojo grabs Casey and hauls her off to the lab. Still intent on making a legion of clone fans that will take over the world and spread the word that Hojo is supreme god!!! ALL HAIL HOJO! FOR HE IS THE… the author wrestles the keyboard away from Hojo and resumes. Elsewhere, Kinneas is in a tight pickle… Mmm…. Pickles.
Kinneas: Hey Rufus, Sephiroth. Listen, you know I'm not normally the host, so I don't see why you have to go after me.
Sephiroth: Llaw ehT!
Kinneas: What?
Rufus: Idiot! It only works with Redrum! He means The Wall!
Kinneas laughs and runs. Rufus and Sephiroth give her a head start cause they are just sportsman like sports players. Kinneas hauls ass and comes across Tifa G, sitting cross-legged in President Shinra's office with Akira Silveracious Majere.
Kinneas: TIFA G!!!
Tifa G: I am meditating right now! Okay, become one with the lab coat. You are one with the lab coat.
Akira Silveracious Majere: I am one with the lab coat. I am one with the lab coat.
Kinneas: You gotta help me! Hojo kidnapped Casey and Rufus and Sephiroth are after me!
Tifa G: You are the host, you have to deal with it. You are one with the lab coat. You are one with the lab coat.
Kinneas: Okay, okay, you can be host again!
Tifa G: You promise to never steal the job from me again? And resume being my bodyguard?
Kinneas: Yes, yes! Anything!
Tifa G: Excellent. As bodyguard it is your job to deal with Rufus and Sephiroth while I continue meditating with Akira Silveracious Majere.
Kinneas stares blankly. She opens her mouth to scream something and gets pounced on by Rufus and Sephiroth.
Tifa G: You are one with the lab coat.
Akira Silveracious Majere: I am one with the lab coat!
~*~*~*
Authors Note: I know I said Scarr was next, but I'm taking extra time on that one and it should be done so. So for the time being… HOJO! Hope you enjoyed and please remember to review.