Title: Pilots in Fanonland
Author: Gina Lin (Star Trek excerpts by Al Hael) Series: Gundam Wing/Star Trek references Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: 1x2, 1xR, 2xH, 6x9, 3x4, 13x5, 5xS. Warnings: Yaoi, Extreme silliness, OOC, Character Bastardization(all for the sake of humor!) Rating: R for adult humor, situations, language Archived: Shades and Echoes, GWFF, FF.net
Authors Note: If you've ever written GW fanfiction, and think you're the next J.K. Rowlings because of it, you're probably going to be offended by this. I mock some of my own story characterizations, plots and bad writing. (Oh, yes, gentle readers, some of my writing really, really sucks!) If you don't like the idea of any of that, please don't read. Flames will be used for roasting turkeys and inviting all the GW characters over to my house for a big dinner; where we shall laugh at people narcissistic enough to forget to laugh at themselves! (I plan on getting them drunk on margaritas and screwdrivers, then taking advantage of them on my king sized bed too, but that's another story.)
AN2: In this chapter, I make great fun of the fact that ALL the characters are often written as homosexual. So if that pisses you off, don't read. I write yaoi myself, sometimes, so no flames, please!
Chapter 4
"Treize, I want you to go out there, get in Tallgeese and fight the Dread Mary Sue!" Quatre, being the leader of the pilots, had made his decision.
"Why me?" Trieze arched an eyebrow at him. "I was planning on rogering Wufei until screamed with delight on one of the king sized beds in here."
"Treize, you're being affected by Fanonland!" Quatre shook him a little. "Don't you know that 13x5 pairing stories almost always have you rogering Wufei on a big silk covered bed?"
"Oh, well that explains that." Treize sighed. "Still, it did sound like fun. And I do like silk."
"Me too," admitted Wufei. "Although just once, I'd like to be on top!"
"No deal!"
"Then screw that, Treize!"
"Hey, we don't have time for a bitch fight!" yelled Duo over their argument.
"You know what would really help us out right now?"
Everyone turned to look at Heero.
"Female characters!" He turned up his palms. "If there were some of the original female characters here, we might be able to win against the Dread Mary Sue!"
"Right Heero, Mary Sue's usually HATE all or most of the female characters! What a great idea!" Trowa sounded enthusiastic. "She'll probably implode at the first sight of Relena!"
"Funny YOU should say that, Trowa, I think you and Quatre may be the only gay characters in this series!" Duo laughed.
"Gay men don't hate women Duo, that's a stupid stereotype. Honestly, I'm sending you that GSA literature tomorrow. Read it!"
"Sorry, man. I mean, Heero is pretty good in bed, except in those stories where he's slapping me around and raping the shit out of me. But, I'm sort of attached to Hilde. After all, we do live together!"
"Yeah, Relena is getting kind of pissed at me for breaking our dates to go smack Duo around and rape him." Heero sighed. "Last week she locked me out of the bedroom."
"Wufei, you need to make sure that "Misogynist Wufei" doesn't break loose when I get the ladies here, or Sally will slap the crap outta you again!"
"Noin kicked me in the balls last time "Misogynist Wufei" showed up." Wufei looked pained. "I don't wanna go through that again! Besides, I like women."
"Okay, I'm getting on the phone and calling the ladies!" Duo picked up the phone in the motel room and dialed 1-800-Fembots.
"Fembots?" asked Quatre, reading over his shoulder.
"Yeah, they thought the fembots in Austin Powers were kind of funny."
"Sally Po-Chang speaking, is that you Duo?"
"Yeah, Sal it's me. We have an emergency here. Now, I think we have some people coming to save us, but they might need your help. We need you ladies here in Salinas, Kansas at a really tacky Motel Six on the edge of town, like pronto!"
"Noin wants to know where Zechs is, it's time for him to help give the kids a bath!" Sally sounded pissed.
"Um he's been kidnapped by the Dread Mary Sue, along with the rest of us, Sally, that's why we need your help! Oh, and tell Hilde. She'll think I went out and got wasted with Howard again!"
"Relena is pretty pissed too, she called me three times last night to find out if Heero had come over to get something stitched or bandaged."
"Well, tell her to come! She's our secret weapon. One look at Relena and Mary Sue will melt like the witch when Dorothy threw a bucket of water on her!"
"Hey, maybe I should bring Dorothy too!" Sally sounded excited.
Quatre started making crosses with his fingers behind Duo and frantically shaking his head.
"Nah, maybe not such a good idea. Quatre and Trowa are here, and frankly, last time Dorothy and Trowa got together, it wasn't pretty."
"I can't believe some people put us together as a couple!" Trowa folded his arms and looked indignant. "I hate that bitch. Doesn't anyone remember I told Quatre to let her rot on Libra? She stabbed Quatre, and her eyebrows scare little children!"
"I wonder how old Curb Feeler's doing these days?" asked Quatre, smirking. "What's even scarier is that some people think I'm into girls that run me through with sabers! I'm not a masochist!"
"Well, I hear she's into this whole dominatrix thing with some artist girl from the Village." Wufei shrugged.
"Really, well, hey, whatever floats your boat." Duo held his hand over the receiver.
"Sally, you, Noin, and Une get into Taurus suits and get over here as soon can!"
"Wufei's with you isn't he?" Sally still sounded put out.
"Sally, you can argue with him later, just get over here!"
"Well, Une will come if I tell her Treize is there. And Noin will have to find a babysitter, but she'll come, too. Hilde can bring Relena, they're having their nails done this afternoon!"
"Great. Now make sure that Dread Mary Sue doesn't get hold of Relena. She'll have Relena trying to kill me to keep Heero from sleeping with me or something!"
"Or whining constantly! I mean, Relena whined a bit when she was a teenager, but she's a diplomat now, for God's sake." Heero narrowed his eyes.
"Well, you're the one that goes out with her, you should know." Duo shrugged his shoulders.
"She did get a bit whiney when I forgot her birthday."
"You forgot her birthday again!" Duo shook his head. "If you forgot my birthday, I'd kick your ass!"
"Gentlemen, could we please focus on the problem at hand?" Treize stood up, straightening the epaulets on his uniform.
"Sorry, Treize, it's just that we're not 16 years old anymore, and we're not Gundam pilots." Duo put his hands on his hips. "I don't wanna be 16 forever! For one thing, I'd like to grow a bit taller!"
"Me too!" Wufei looked exasperated. "It's nice being taller than Sally now!"
"Yeah, it's really annoying the way some writers forget to age us and make us grow. A 15 year old boy is right at the beginning of his growing spurt!" Heero, Wufei, Duo, Trowa, and Quatre all suddenly grew at least half a foot and gained around 40 lbs of muscle!
"Hey, we're grown ups now!" Quatre looked at Trowa. "Wow, you grew up HOT!"
"So did you!" Trowa glanced up shyly from under his hair. "But, you've seen me like this before, Cat, we've been living together for 4 years!"
"Oh, yeah," Quatre looked confused. "Sorry, Fanonland is really screwing with my head."
"Hey, I have pubes!" Duo ran over to the mirror. "And stubble, cool! Man, will Hilde and the kids be glad to see me all grown up again!"
Wufei looked smug. "Look, I'm taller than Yuy."
"Well, you weren't designed to fit in a cockpit from birth by a mad scientist." Heero scowled. "Besides, it's just an inch Wufei, get over it! Damn Dr. J, I probably have frog DNA."
"Well, that explains a lot," said Duo. "You were always being found floating face down in the ocean for god knows how long and never once drowned."
"Well, Zechs and I are delighted you're all grown up now." Treize looked bored and was starting think about dragging Une into the bathtub when she got there. /Sure, she's a little nutty, but what a babe when she gets those goofy buns out of her hair! / Thought Treize. "I wonder if she still has some of that rose scent..?"
"Treize, Earth to Treize!" Duo was standing in front of him, and was now almost the same height.
"Sorry, I was. preoccupied."
"Hey, I think I hear something!" Quatre cocked his head. "Is that our rescuers?"
Duo ran to the door and flung it open. "Judas Priest, there's a huge spaceship landing in the cornfield next door!"
"Well, gee, that's original, a cornfield." Wufei rolled his eyes.
A voice came down through the air conditioning ducts. "Shut up Wufei, I'm on a deadline and that was the best I could do!"
Everyone froze. "Oh, no, I'm screwed, God is a woman!" Wufei looked alarmed. "Sorry about Misogynist Wufei, Ma'am, I mean God, Buddha, Allah, Gaia, whoever!"
"I think that was the author, Wufei, calm down." Quatre invoked his empathy. "At least I hope that's not God. If it is, God has a bad back, arthritis in her right shoulder and has to pee."
"That's enough Quatre, you're embarrassing me!" The voice echoed through the room again. "And I hate being called 'Ma'am' Wufei, so knock it off!"
"Feh, I knew God wasn't a woman!" Wufei muttered under his breath.
"I heard that Wufei! And if someone doesn't want to be in women's lingerie and 3 inch heels again, he'd better can the crap!"
"Shutting up now, Ma.I mean, Oh esteemed author." Wufei bowed.
"Why the blatant self-insertion, Author-type person?" Duo asked.
"Because without me, you'll never defeat the Dread Mary Sue!"
"Dammit, I had a feeling it was something like that." Zechs shook his head.
"Don't worry, I'm not about to use Mary Sue's tactics. We're going to defeat her with ridicule!"
"Ridicule?" Heero asked. "What kind of a weapon is ridicule?"
"Well, I know you'd like nothing better than to jump in your Gundams and start blazing away, but that doesn't work on Mary Sue!" The Author was sad as she explained the exceptional resilience and persistence of Mary Sues.
"Mission accepted."
"Heero be careful, you know that Mary Sue loves catchphrases, she might be able to determine our location!" Quatre warned him.
"Injustice!" Wufei yelled.
"Wufei, you know you never yelled that once during the whole damned series!"
"I know, but I couldn't help myself, Quatre."
There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" Duo jumped up and flung open the door. (Interestingly, it had the number 47 on it.)
"Noin!" Zechs strode forward and grabbed her. "I thought you'd never get here!"
"Wufei, are you arguing with the author again?" Sally stood there with her hands on her hips, looking stern.
"Well, yes dear, but I apologized."
"You can give me a kiss then," Sally ran over to him and kissed him. "I'm so proud of you for not letting Mary Sue turn you into a ranting misogynist idiot!" Wufei wisely decided not to tell her about the women's underwear and heels.
"Duo!" Hilde ran in and grabbed Duo. "And here I thought you were out getting wasted with Howard again! You poor man, getting caught by Mary Sue!" Relena followed her, still blowing on her nails. Heero held back until he could better gauge her mood. Relena had a mean left hook when she got upset.
"I know, I need whumping!" Duo decided to play the scene for all it was worth and see if he could get lucky tonight.
"Whumping?" Hilde asked, puzzled, as he nuzzled her neck.(Hey, puzzled rhymes with nuzzled!)
"It means to comfort a character after he's been hurt or tortured," Duo explained to her.
"Oh, by all means, I'll whump you!" Hilde purred.
"Geez, babe, you make it sound really dirty!"
"I hope so!"
All right you two, knock it off! We're still not free of the Dread Mary Sue." Une came in with her hair in two braided buns with pink ribbons, wearing her uniform.
/Damn! / thought Treize, /I was hoping Lady Une of the Sexy Miniskirt would turn up, not Colonel Une, hard ass extraordinaire!/
"Excuse me, Une, could I borrow a couple of ribbons?" Treize stood up and held out his hand.
"Why of course, Your Excellency!" Une took off her glasses and pulled the ribbon from her hair.
"That's much better now, isn't it? Treize took her arm. "How'd you like to take a bubble bath with me?"(At this point, the author squealed, causing dogs in three nearby counties to burst into uncontrollable howling.)
"Why that sounds heavenly, Treize," said Lady Une, laughing softly and taking his arm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Captain Al Hael speaking!" The Captain stood and pulled down her uniform jacket, as per Picard regulation number 1246.9. "All hands, battle stations, this is not a drill."
McCracken turned around. "Ma'am, my monitoring of the Gundam Characters conversations indicate that there is only one weapon that will destroy the Dread Mary Sue."
"And that would be? Don't keep us in suspense, here, McCracken!"
"Ridicule, Ma'am. A heavy sustained barrage of pure ridicule."
The bridge fell silent except for the claxon of the red alert.
"Turn off the red alert, Geez!" snapped Captain Al Hael.
"Ma'am, I think I can set the ships phasers for ridicule, but it will take me at least 20 minutes." The monotone voice of ship's engineer Lt. Commander Stup came through the intercom.
"Stup, it might take sustained and extreme ridicule. Can our engines take the strain?"
"I predict a 96.9% chance of success."
"Do it!" Captain Al Hael ordered. "Stup, have any of the engineering crew shown symptoms from our warp into Fanonland?"
"No Ma'am, my engineer crew are Vulcans, we're resistant to such illogical characterizations."
"Don't be overly confident," the Captain warned them. "In the hands of a Mary Sue, you could all suddenly go into pon farr!"
"I'll be sure to keep that in mind, Ma'am."
"Captain out, Stup, and I'm counting on you."
"Yes, Ma'am."
............20 minutes later........
"Captain, the engine modifications have been successfully completed." Lt Commander Stup's calm voice came through on the com.
"Have you had time to test them?"
"Yes, Ma'am, we tested them on a human crew member and he laughed until he lost bladder control."
"Perfect! Al Hael grinned fiercely. "At my signal, helmsmen, fire all ridiculous phasers at target. Your ass is mine, Dread Mary Sue!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Trowa, what are you looking at?" Quatre came over and looked out the window too.
"That big spaceship seems be firing on a nearby house!"
Everyone ran over to look out the motel windows.
"You're right, Trowa, there's some sort of a beam coming out of the saucer section!" Noin pointed.
"They're attacking the Dread Mary Sue!" Duo cheered, and Hilde jumped up and down.
"Maybe if they win, we can all go home." Treize came out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips. Une had one wrapped around her.
"The bathtubs here are really small!" he complained.
Treize frowned as he scanned the room. "What's happening to you people?"
"You know, I feel the uncontrollable urge to laugh!" Heero began to chuckle.
"Me too!" Trowa fell back on one of the king-sized beds, laughing hard and holding his middle.
Before long everyone was laughing hysterically. Treize's towel slipped a little and he grabbed at it.
Zechs and Noin were collapsed on one of the beds, breathless.
"That beam, it must be pure ridicule!" gasped Quatre, sprawling across Trowa.
"It's working, I feel more myself every second!" Duo was on his knees, convulsed.
"Take that, you silly fangirl!" Wufei rolled around on the floor. Sally pounded the floor with her fist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dread Mary Sue sat at her computer, laboriously typing away. A bag of Hershey's miniature chocolates was torn open, and the keyboard was sticky with smudges of chocolate.
She quit typing a moment, then smiled evilly and began to type again.
"You know, everyone said it was so kawaii when I put Quatre in that bunny suit. And he was crying. It's so cool when Quatre cries and Trowa has to bring him flowers and carry him to the bedroom. I wish Jimmy Baylor from 3rd period math would do that." She sighed.
Mary Sue popped another candy bar into her mouth.
She began to hear a tiny nagging voice in the back of her mind.
"Mary Sue, have you really watched Gundam Wing?"
Mary Sue looked up in surprise. "Who was that?"
"Let's just say your conscience."
"My what?"
"It's a tiny voice inside you that reminds you of right and wrong."
"Wow, cool. I have one of those?"
"More than likely, since you haven't tortured any animals or set the school on fire, not yet anyway. Although, you don't seem to mind torturing characters in anime."
"Oh, no I only write cute stories about the boys in Gundam Wing. They're so kawaii!"
"Mary Sue, how many Japanese lessons have you had?"
"Well, little voice, none, really."
"Then why do you try to speak Japanese?"
"Because Duo speaks Japanese and I really really like him!"
"Mary Sue, Duo is American."
"Oh."
"Mary Sue, have you ever watched Gundam Wing?"
"Well, I watched a few episodes on Cartoon Network, but they had Relena in them and I got bored. There were some good parts where Heero pointed a gun at her though!"
"Mary Sue, Relena is a main character in Gundam Wing. Why are you writing stories about a series that has a main character that you hate?"
"I just don't watch those parts!"
"But that's about a third of the show, at least, Mary Sue!"
"You're one of those people that doesn't want to see Heero and Duo get together, aren't you." Mary Sue narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the little voice.
"No Mary Sue, this isn't really about pairings, this is about writing a story about the characters that doesn't make people want to heave up their toenails!"
"Are you making fun of me, little voice?"
"If that's what it takes, Mary Sue." The little voice had a determined edge to it.
"Who are you!" Mary Sue was pissed now, sure that she was being flamed.
"Ridicule, Mary Sue."
"Ridicule?"
"Yes, Mary Sue, you're going to be subjected to a full barrage of ridicule until you quit writing terrible stories based on fanon!"
"What's fanon!" Mary Sue only had the vaguest idea of what the word "barrage" meant too, but she felt dumb asking.
"It's stuff that is passed around in fanfiction stories until fans who don't know any better assume it's the truth about a series or a character."
"Everything I write is the truth! Quatre cries every five minutes, Wufei hates girls, and Heero and Duo spend the whole series trying to run away from Relena and Hilde. Oh, and Trowa can't talk, I think he's a mime or something."
"Mary Sue, none of that is in the series."
"It is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is TOO!" Mary Sue was really pissed now. She shook her fist. "Well if that's not in the show, it should be. I hear the real show is about war and politics and soldiers; you know a bunch of really boring stuff!"
Mary Sue gasped, realizing she had betrayed herself. She threw herself on the bed.
"Okay, little voice, maybe I should have watched the show more. I mean, sometimes when I'm writing a story, I just make stuff up, or take things from other stories I thought were cool."
"Well, Mary Sue, confession is good for the soul. It's a start." The small voice sighed. "Just remember this the next time you get the urge to write a really bad lemon. You're only a 15 year old girl, you've never even HAD sex (much less gay sex)! And please remember that it's usually a good thing to make sure you can write a simple paragraph before you try to write a whole story."
"I'm sorry, little voice. I thought my stories were cute."
"Well, Mary Sue, you've caused a lot of suffering to the characters you've written. Think about that before you put Wufei in 3 inch heels again."
"But, what am I going to do on weekends if I don't write fanfiction?"
"Why don't you watch the whole series and see if you like it?"
"Hey, okay, maybe I'll do that!"
"And remember, no more writing til you do, agreed?"
"Well, okay, but can't I finish the story I'm writing now?"
"Absofuckinglutely NOT!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Captain, sensors indicate Fanonland effects have decreased to amost nil!"
Ensign Shan's voice held a note of excitement. "We've freed the characters!"
Everyone on the bridge cheered, even the normally stoic McCracken.
"Can we go home as well?" Captain Al Hael waited for the sensor readings.
"Yes, the effect that brought us here has been sufficiently diminished to allow our safe passage to our own universe!" McCracken intoned.
"Ensign Shan, warp 8 to home, and don't spare the horses! I don't want to spend one more moment than I have to in this fucked up place!"
"Aye Ma'am, warp 8, full speed ahead!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Look at us, we're back to normal!" Quatre threw his arms around Trowa in relief.
"It's about time, I told the babysitter we'd be home by 5." Noin tapped her foot impatiently.
"Well, am I forgiven?" Heero asked Relena cautiously.
"For forgetting my birthday no! For helping save us, I guess we can go out tonight."
"Hey, I can always go out with Duo." Heero took her arm as they left the motel.
"Hey, what was that for?" Duo asked in an outraged tone as Hilde cuffed him on the head.
"For looking at Heero's ass."
"Let's go home, baby, I still have a good whumping due me."
"Treize, where are my pants?" "I have no idea, my dear Une. But don't worry, the room is rented up until tomorrow."
The End
Author: Gina Lin (Star Trek excerpts by Al Hael) Series: Gundam Wing/Star Trek references Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: 1x2, 1xR, 2xH, 6x9, 3x4, 13x5, 5xS. Warnings: Yaoi, Extreme silliness, OOC, Character Bastardization(all for the sake of humor!) Rating: R for adult humor, situations, language Archived: Shades and Echoes, GWFF, FF.net
Authors Note: If you've ever written GW fanfiction, and think you're the next J.K. Rowlings because of it, you're probably going to be offended by this. I mock some of my own story characterizations, plots and bad writing. (Oh, yes, gentle readers, some of my writing really, really sucks!) If you don't like the idea of any of that, please don't read. Flames will be used for roasting turkeys and inviting all the GW characters over to my house for a big dinner; where we shall laugh at people narcissistic enough to forget to laugh at themselves! (I plan on getting them drunk on margaritas and screwdrivers, then taking advantage of them on my king sized bed too, but that's another story.)
AN2: In this chapter, I make great fun of the fact that ALL the characters are often written as homosexual. So if that pisses you off, don't read. I write yaoi myself, sometimes, so no flames, please!
Chapter 4
"Treize, I want you to go out there, get in Tallgeese and fight the Dread Mary Sue!" Quatre, being the leader of the pilots, had made his decision.
"Why me?" Trieze arched an eyebrow at him. "I was planning on rogering Wufei until screamed with delight on one of the king sized beds in here."
"Treize, you're being affected by Fanonland!" Quatre shook him a little. "Don't you know that 13x5 pairing stories almost always have you rogering Wufei on a big silk covered bed?"
"Oh, well that explains that." Treize sighed. "Still, it did sound like fun. And I do like silk."
"Me too," admitted Wufei. "Although just once, I'd like to be on top!"
"No deal!"
"Then screw that, Treize!"
"Hey, we don't have time for a bitch fight!" yelled Duo over their argument.
"You know what would really help us out right now?"
Everyone turned to look at Heero.
"Female characters!" He turned up his palms. "If there were some of the original female characters here, we might be able to win against the Dread Mary Sue!"
"Right Heero, Mary Sue's usually HATE all or most of the female characters! What a great idea!" Trowa sounded enthusiastic. "She'll probably implode at the first sight of Relena!"
"Funny YOU should say that, Trowa, I think you and Quatre may be the only gay characters in this series!" Duo laughed.
"Gay men don't hate women Duo, that's a stupid stereotype. Honestly, I'm sending you that GSA literature tomorrow. Read it!"
"Sorry, man. I mean, Heero is pretty good in bed, except in those stories where he's slapping me around and raping the shit out of me. But, I'm sort of attached to Hilde. After all, we do live together!"
"Yeah, Relena is getting kind of pissed at me for breaking our dates to go smack Duo around and rape him." Heero sighed. "Last week she locked me out of the bedroom."
"Wufei, you need to make sure that "Misogynist Wufei" doesn't break loose when I get the ladies here, or Sally will slap the crap outta you again!"
"Noin kicked me in the balls last time "Misogynist Wufei" showed up." Wufei looked pained. "I don't wanna go through that again! Besides, I like women."
"Okay, I'm getting on the phone and calling the ladies!" Duo picked up the phone in the motel room and dialed 1-800-Fembots.
"Fembots?" asked Quatre, reading over his shoulder.
"Yeah, they thought the fembots in Austin Powers were kind of funny."
"Sally Po-Chang speaking, is that you Duo?"
"Yeah, Sal it's me. We have an emergency here. Now, I think we have some people coming to save us, but they might need your help. We need you ladies here in Salinas, Kansas at a really tacky Motel Six on the edge of town, like pronto!"
"Noin wants to know where Zechs is, it's time for him to help give the kids a bath!" Sally sounded pissed.
"Um he's been kidnapped by the Dread Mary Sue, along with the rest of us, Sally, that's why we need your help! Oh, and tell Hilde. She'll think I went out and got wasted with Howard again!"
"Relena is pretty pissed too, she called me three times last night to find out if Heero had come over to get something stitched or bandaged."
"Well, tell her to come! She's our secret weapon. One look at Relena and Mary Sue will melt like the witch when Dorothy threw a bucket of water on her!"
"Hey, maybe I should bring Dorothy too!" Sally sounded excited.
Quatre started making crosses with his fingers behind Duo and frantically shaking his head.
"Nah, maybe not such a good idea. Quatre and Trowa are here, and frankly, last time Dorothy and Trowa got together, it wasn't pretty."
"I can't believe some people put us together as a couple!" Trowa folded his arms and looked indignant. "I hate that bitch. Doesn't anyone remember I told Quatre to let her rot on Libra? She stabbed Quatre, and her eyebrows scare little children!"
"I wonder how old Curb Feeler's doing these days?" asked Quatre, smirking. "What's even scarier is that some people think I'm into girls that run me through with sabers! I'm not a masochist!"
"Well, I hear she's into this whole dominatrix thing with some artist girl from the Village." Wufei shrugged.
"Really, well, hey, whatever floats your boat." Duo held his hand over the receiver.
"Sally, you, Noin, and Une get into Taurus suits and get over here as soon can!"
"Wufei's with you isn't he?" Sally still sounded put out.
"Sally, you can argue with him later, just get over here!"
"Well, Une will come if I tell her Treize is there. And Noin will have to find a babysitter, but she'll come, too. Hilde can bring Relena, they're having their nails done this afternoon!"
"Great. Now make sure that Dread Mary Sue doesn't get hold of Relena. She'll have Relena trying to kill me to keep Heero from sleeping with me or something!"
"Or whining constantly! I mean, Relena whined a bit when she was a teenager, but she's a diplomat now, for God's sake." Heero narrowed his eyes.
"Well, you're the one that goes out with her, you should know." Duo shrugged his shoulders.
"She did get a bit whiney when I forgot her birthday."
"You forgot her birthday again!" Duo shook his head. "If you forgot my birthday, I'd kick your ass!"
"Gentlemen, could we please focus on the problem at hand?" Treize stood up, straightening the epaulets on his uniform.
"Sorry, Treize, it's just that we're not 16 years old anymore, and we're not Gundam pilots." Duo put his hands on his hips. "I don't wanna be 16 forever! For one thing, I'd like to grow a bit taller!"
"Me too!" Wufei looked exasperated. "It's nice being taller than Sally now!"
"Yeah, it's really annoying the way some writers forget to age us and make us grow. A 15 year old boy is right at the beginning of his growing spurt!" Heero, Wufei, Duo, Trowa, and Quatre all suddenly grew at least half a foot and gained around 40 lbs of muscle!
"Hey, we're grown ups now!" Quatre looked at Trowa. "Wow, you grew up HOT!"
"So did you!" Trowa glanced up shyly from under his hair. "But, you've seen me like this before, Cat, we've been living together for 4 years!"
"Oh, yeah," Quatre looked confused. "Sorry, Fanonland is really screwing with my head."
"Hey, I have pubes!" Duo ran over to the mirror. "And stubble, cool! Man, will Hilde and the kids be glad to see me all grown up again!"
Wufei looked smug. "Look, I'm taller than Yuy."
"Well, you weren't designed to fit in a cockpit from birth by a mad scientist." Heero scowled. "Besides, it's just an inch Wufei, get over it! Damn Dr. J, I probably have frog DNA."
"Well, that explains a lot," said Duo. "You were always being found floating face down in the ocean for god knows how long and never once drowned."
"Well, Zechs and I are delighted you're all grown up now." Treize looked bored and was starting think about dragging Une into the bathtub when she got there. /Sure, she's a little nutty, but what a babe when she gets those goofy buns out of her hair! / Thought Treize. "I wonder if she still has some of that rose scent..?"
"Treize, Earth to Treize!" Duo was standing in front of him, and was now almost the same height.
"Sorry, I was. preoccupied."
"Hey, I think I hear something!" Quatre cocked his head. "Is that our rescuers?"
Duo ran to the door and flung it open. "Judas Priest, there's a huge spaceship landing in the cornfield next door!"
"Well, gee, that's original, a cornfield." Wufei rolled his eyes.
A voice came down through the air conditioning ducts. "Shut up Wufei, I'm on a deadline and that was the best I could do!"
Everyone froze. "Oh, no, I'm screwed, God is a woman!" Wufei looked alarmed. "Sorry about Misogynist Wufei, Ma'am, I mean God, Buddha, Allah, Gaia, whoever!"
"I think that was the author, Wufei, calm down." Quatre invoked his empathy. "At least I hope that's not God. If it is, God has a bad back, arthritis in her right shoulder and has to pee."
"That's enough Quatre, you're embarrassing me!" The voice echoed through the room again. "And I hate being called 'Ma'am' Wufei, so knock it off!"
"Feh, I knew God wasn't a woman!" Wufei muttered under his breath.
"I heard that Wufei! And if someone doesn't want to be in women's lingerie and 3 inch heels again, he'd better can the crap!"
"Shutting up now, Ma.I mean, Oh esteemed author." Wufei bowed.
"Why the blatant self-insertion, Author-type person?" Duo asked.
"Because without me, you'll never defeat the Dread Mary Sue!"
"Dammit, I had a feeling it was something like that." Zechs shook his head.
"Don't worry, I'm not about to use Mary Sue's tactics. We're going to defeat her with ridicule!"
"Ridicule?" Heero asked. "What kind of a weapon is ridicule?"
"Well, I know you'd like nothing better than to jump in your Gundams and start blazing away, but that doesn't work on Mary Sue!" The Author was sad as she explained the exceptional resilience and persistence of Mary Sues.
"Mission accepted."
"Heero be careful, you know that Mary Sue loves catchphrases, she might be able to determine our location!" Quatre warned him.
"Injustice!" Wufei yelled.
"Wufei, you know you never yelled that once during the whole damned series!"
"I know, but I couldn't help myself, Quatre."
There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" Duo jumped up and flung open the door. (Interestingly, it had the number 47 on it.)
"Noin!" Zechs strode forward and grabbed her. "I thought you'd never get here!"
"Wufei, are you arguing with the author again?" Sally stood there with her hands on her hips, looking stern.
"Well, yes dear, but I apologized."
"You can give me a kiss then," Sally ran over to him and kissed him. "I'm so proud of you for not letting Mary Sue turn you into a ranting misogynist idiot!" Wufei wisely decided not to tell her about the women's underwear and heels.
"Duo!" Hilde ran in and grabbed Duo. "And here I thought you were out getting wasted with Howard again! You poor man, getting caught by Mary Sue!" Relena followed her, still blowing on her nails. Heero held back until he could better gauge her mood. Relena had a mean left hook when she got upset.
"I know, I need whumping!" Duo decided to play the scene for all it was worth and see if he could get lucky tonight.
"Whumping?" Hilde asked, puzzled, as he nuzzled her neck.(Hey, puzzled rhymes with nuzzled!)
"It means to comfort a character after he's been hurt or tortured," Duo explained to her.
"Oh, by all means, I'll whump you!" Hilde purred.
"Geez, babe, you make it sound really dirty!"
"I hope so!"
All right you two, knock it off! We're still not free of the Dread Mary Sue." Une came in with her hair in two braided buns with pink ribbons, wearing her uniform.
/Damn! / thought Treize, /I was hoping Lady Une of the Sexy Miniskirt would turn up, not Colonel Une, hard ass extraordinaire!/
"Excuse me, Une, could I borrow a couple of ribbons?" Treize stood up and held out his hand.
"Why of course, Your Excellency!" Une took off her glasses and pulled the ribbon from her hair.
"That's much better now, isn't it? Treize took her arm. "How'd you like to take a bubble bath with me?"(At this point, the author squealed, causing dogs in three nearby counties to burst into uncontrollable howling.)
"Why that sounds heavenly, Treize," said Lady Une, laughing softly and taking his arm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Captain Al Hael speaking!" The Captain stood and pulled down her uniform jacket, as per Picard regulation number 1246.9. "All hands, battle stations, this is not a drill."
McCracken turned around. "Ma'am, my monitoring of the Gundam Characters conversations indicate that there is only one weapon that will destroy the Dread Mary Sue."
"And that would be? Don't keep us in suspense, here, McCracken!"
"Ridicule, Ma'am. A heavy sustained barrage of pure ridicule."
The bridge fell silent except for the claxon of the red alert.
"Turn off the red alert, Geez!" snapped Captain Al Hael.
"Ma'am, I think I can set the ships phasers for ridicule, but it will take me at least 20 minutes." The monotone voice of ship's engineer Lt. Commander Stup came through the intercom.
"Stup, it might take sustained and extreme ridicule. Can our engines take the strain?"
"I predict a 96.9% chance of success."
"Do it!" Captain Al Hael ordered. "Stup, have any of the engineering crew shown symptoms from our warp into Fanonland?"
"No Ma'am, my engineer crew are Vulcans, we're resistant to such illogical characterizations."
"Don't be overly confident," the Captain warned them. "In the hands of a Mary Sue, you could all suddenly go into pon farr!"
"I'll be sure to keep that in mind, Ma'am."
"Captain out, Stup, and I'm counting on you."
"Yes, Ma'am."
............20 minutes later........
"Captain, the engine modifications have been successfully completed." Lt Commander Stup's calm voice came through on the com.
"Have you had time to test them?"
"Yes, Ma'am, we tested them on a human crew member and he laughed until he lost bladder control."
"Perfect! Al Hael grinned fiercely. "At my signal, helmsmen, fire all ridiculous phasers at target. Your ass is mine, Dread Mary Sue!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Trowa, what are you looking at?" Quatre came over and looked out the window too.
"That big spaceship seems be firing on a nearby house!"
Everyone ran over to look out the motel windows.
"You're right, Trowa, there's some sort of a beam coming out of the saucer section!" Noin pointed.
"They're attacking the Dread Mary Sue!" Duo cheered, and Hilde jumped up and down.
"Maybe if they win, we can all go home." Treize came out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips. Une had one wrapped around her.
"The bathtubs here are really small!" he complained.
Treize frowned as he scanned the room. "What's happening to you people?"
"You know, I feel the uncontrollable urge to laugh!" Heero began to chuckle.
"Me too!" Trowa fell back on one of the king-sized beds, laughing hard and holding his middle.
Before long everyone was laughing hysterically. Treize's towel slipped a little and he grabbed at it.
Zechs and Noin were collapsed on one of the beds, breathless.
"That beam, it must be pure ridicule!" gasped Quatre, sprawling across Trowa.
"It's working, I feel more myself every second!" Duo was on his knees, convulsed.
"Take that, you silly fangirl!" Wufei rolled around on the floor. Sally pounded the floor with her fist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dread Mary Sue sat at her computer, laboriously typing away. A bag of Hershey's miniature chocolates was torn open, and the keyboard was sticky with smudges of chocolate.
She quit typing a moment, then smiled evilly and began to type again.
"You know, everyone said it was so kawaii when I put Quatre in that bunny suit. And he was crying. It's so cool when Quatre cries and Trowa has to bring him flowers and carry him to the bedroom. I wish Jimmy Baylor from 3rd period math would do that." She sighed.
Mary Sue popped another candy bar into her mouth.
She began to hear a tiny nagging voice in the back of her mind.
"Mary Sue, have you really watched Gundam Wing?"
Mary Sue looked up in surprise. "Who was that?"
"Let's just say your conscience."
"My what?"
"It's a tiny voice inside you that reminds you of right and wrong."
"Wow, cool. I have one of those?"
"More than likely, since you haven't tortured any animals or set the school on fire, not yet anyway. Although, you don't seem to mind torturing characters in anime."
"Oh, no I only write cute stories about the boys in Gundam Wing. They're so kawaii!"
"Mary Sue, how many Japanese lessons have you had?"
"Well, little voice, none, really."
"Then why do you try to speak Japanese?"
"Because Duo speaks Japanese and I really really like him!"
"Mary Sue, Duo is American."
"Oh."
"Mary Sue, have you ever watched Gundam Wing?"
"Well, I watched a few episodes on Cartoon Network, but they had Relena in them and I got bored. There were some good parts where Heero pointed a gun at her though!"
"Mary Sue, Relena is a main character in Gundam Wing. Why are you writing stories about a series that has a main character that you hate?"
"I just don't watch those parts!"
"But that's about a third of the show, at least, Mary Sue!"
"You're one of those people that doesn't want to see Heero and Duo get together, aren't you." Mary Sue narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the little voice.
"No Mary Sue, this isn't really about pairings, this is about writing a story about the characters that doesn't make people want to heave up their toenails!"
"Are you making fun of me, little voice?"
"If that's what it takes, Mary Sue." The little voice had a determined edge to it.
"Who are you!" Mary Sue was pissed now, sure that she was being flamed.
"Ridicule, Mary Sue."
"Ridicule?"
"Yes, Mary Sue, you're going to be subjected to a full barrage of ridicule until you quit writing terrible stories based on fanon!"
"What's fanon!" Mary Sue only had the vaguest idea of what the word "barrage" meant too, but she felt dumb asking.
"It's stuff that is passed around in fanfiction stories until fans who don't know any better assume it's the truth about a series or a character."
"Everything I write is the truth! Quatre cries every five minutes, Wufei hates girls, and Heero and Duo spend the whole series trying to run away from Relena and Hilde. Oh, and Trowa can't talk, I think he's a mime or something."
"Mary Sue, none of that is in the series."
"It is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is TOO!" Mary Sue was really pissed now. She shook her fist. "Well if that's not in the show, it should be. I hear the real show is about war and politics and soldiers; you know a bunch of really boring stuff!"
Mary Sue gasped, realizing she had betrayed herself. She threw herself on the bed.
"Okay, little voice, maybe I should have watched the show more. I mean, sometimes when I'm writing a story, I just make stuff up, or take things from other stories I thought were cool."
"Well, Mary Sue, confession is good for the soul. It's a start." The small voice sighed. "Just remember this the next time you get the urge to write a really bad lemon. You're only a 15 year old girl, you've never even HAD sex (much less gay sex)! And please remember that it's usually a good thing to make sure you can write a simple paragraph before you try to write a whole story."
"I'm sorry, little voice. I thought my stories were cute."
"Well, Mary Sue, you've caused a lot of suffering to the characters you've written. Think about that before you put Wufei in 3 inch heels again."
"But, what am I going to do on weekends if I don't write fanfiction?"
"Why don't you watch the whole series and see if you like it?"
"Hey, okay, maybe I'll do that!"
"And remember, no more writing til you do, agreed?"
"Well, okay, but can't I finish the story I'm writing now?"
"Absofuckinglutely NOT!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Captain, sensors indicate Fanonland effects have decreased to amost nil!"
Ensign Shan's voice held a note of excitement. "We've freed the characters!"
Everyone on the bridge cheered, even the normally stoic McCracken.
"Can we go home as well?" Captain Al Hael waited for the sensor readings.
"Yes, the effect that brought us here has been sufficiently diminished to allow our safe passage to our own universe!" McCracken intoned.
"Ensign Shan, warp 8 to home, and don't spare the horses! I don't want to spend one more moment than I have to in this fucked up place!"
"Aye Ma'am, warp 8, full speed ahead!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Look at us, we're back to normal!" Quatre threw his arms around Trowa in relief.
"It's about time, I told the babysitter we'd be home by 5." Noin tapped her foot impatiently.
"Well, am I forgiven?" Heero asked Relena cautiously.
"For forgetting my birthday no! For helping save us, I guess we can go out tonight."
"Hey, I can always go out with Duo." Heero took her arm as they left the motel.
"Hey, what was that for?" Duo asked in an outraged tone as Hilde cuffed him on the head.
"For looking at Heero's ass."
"Let's go home, baby, I still have a good whumping due me."
"Treize, where are my pants?" "I have no idea, my dear Une. But don't worry, the room is rented up until tomorrow."
The End