Fanatic: Tifa Lockhart
By: Tifa Gainsborough
~*~*~*~
The camera sweeps in to show Kinneas and Casey Crystal pointing at Tifa Gainsborough and laughing hysterically.
Kinneas: Four eyes!
Casey: Nerd!
Tifa G: Knock it off! pushes her new glasses up farther on her nose It's not funny! Besides, we have a new episode of Fanatic to do. One that Kinneas will, thankfully, not be hosting.
Kinneas: I resent that. twitches I did a fine ass job hosting. Speaking of fine asses…
Casey: Please Kinneas, we don't want to hear about how Aya, Shuildich, Vincent, Tidus or whoever else you may name off that has a fine ass.
Tifa G: Thank you Casey for reminding us about the many fine asses out there. And yes Kinneas, you did a fine job except now Rufus and Sephiroth have filed restraining orders against us! That's unheard of. Mega villains getting restraining orders against the people they are trying to kill. Defeats the whole purpose. Anyways, on today's show Chicky Tifa will be interview Tifa Lockhart.
Kinneas: Great… You two aren't going to do that whole Teef bit are you?
Tifa G: We shall see my young apprentice, we shall see!
~*~*~*~
The scene changes to Wall Market. Tons of people are gathered outside 'Tone Deaf and Loving It', a brand spankin new karaoke bar. The idea of waiting in line is not in Tifa G's brain and she storms her way into the bar. People in line see the camera and begin to act stupid. Camera's often have that effect on people, no one knows why.
Person 1: Look at me Ma! I'm on TV!
Person 2: I'm ready for my close-up blows kisses at the camera
Person 3: I wanna say hi to Quinkie! grabs the camera QUINKIE! Don't ignore me! I'm your number 1 fan! I LOVE YOU QUINKIE!
Person 4: Twinkies?!?! WHERE!
Casey moves in and shoves everybody away from the camera, getting a wide distance between her and the Quinkie obsessed fan and the Twinkie maniac.
Casey: I just don't get it about camera's. adjusts her hair and gives the camera a toothy grin I mean, what the big deal about being on TV?
In the karaoke bar people are gathered around the main stage. Chicky Tifa is adjusting the volume of the speakers, preparing to drive the audience either deaf or wishing for it.
Chicky Tifa: TEEF!
Tifa G: Hey TEEF!
Chicky Tifa: Come sing a song with me!
Tifa G leaps onto the stage and grabs a microphone.
Chicky Tifa: Somewhere over the Meteor!
Tifa G: Way up in the sky!
Chicky Tifa: There's a land that I heard of.
Tifa G: Once in a Hojo nightmare!
Chicky Tifa: Somewhere over the Meteor!
Tifa G: Sephiroth's not insane!
Chicky Tifa: And the dreams that you dare to dreams!
Tifa G and Chicky Tifa: Are really just Jenova induced!
The crowd stares blankly for a few minutes. Chicky Tifa reaches to turn on another song and the crowd bursts into applauds. Chicky Tifa and Tifa G climb off the stage blowing kisses to the group and signing autographs.
Kinneas: You know whispers to Casey They are only doing that so they don't have to hear another song.
Casey: Thank God for that!
Tifa G: So Chicky, we are here to tell you that you have been chosen to interview Tifa Lockhart!
Chicky Tifa: Waahoo!!!
~*~*~*~
First Impressions
Chicky Tifa: I am so excited I get to interview Tifa Lockhart. I mean, how cool is it to be able to interview the person with which you share your name. I hope she is really nice and answers all my questions.
Tifa: So my fan is a female? That is great, thankfully I won't get a question about my breasts being real or fake. But I look forward to seeing what type of questions my fan has for me.
~*~*~*
The location switches to the scary inn at the Gold Saucer. Tifa is sitting at a table in the lobby keeping a watchful eye for any ghosts that may pop out of the woodwork or even worse Cait Sith.
Kinneas: TIFA G! That's mean.
Tifa G: Sorry… So Chicky, do you got all of your questions.
Chicky Tifa: I do and am ready to do my interview.
Chicky Tifa walks over and has a seat at the table across from Tifa. They smile and exchange greetings.
Chicky Tifa: Okay, first question. Why do you dress so scantily when you know everyone's perving in on you?
Tifa: Well, I do work in a bar. Sometimes I have to dress a certain way in hopes of getting customers. As long as they are paying, I don't really mind that they stare at me. I take pleasure in knowing that if any of them get too cocky I can kick their ass, miniskirt or not.
Chicky Tifa: That is very true. I bet the guy would have a pretty hurt ego if a girl in a miniskirt could kick his ass. Okay, second question. Are you attracted to women in any way?
Tifa: I am not.
Chicky Tifa: Which one of the Turks tickles your pickle?
Tifa: Well now, that is an interesting question.
Chicky Tifa: They get better, just you wait and see.
Tifa: All right. I suppose that the Turk I would chose would probably be Rude. He is silent yet strong and I bet that he would know how to treat a lady politely. Even if he is a Turk.
Chicky Tifa: That's sweet. Were you connected to Aerith's death in any way?
Tifa: Of course not! I am greatly appalled by the authors out there that portray me as being uncaring and even happy that Sephiroth killed Aerith. We only knew each other for a short time, but she was still my friend. She did not deserve to die that way, it was horrible.
Chicky Tifa: That is so sweet! Why is your hair so long?
Tifa: I just like it that way. I don't really care what others think about it or about the way I dress.
Chicky Tifa: If you had to be a vegetable, which would you be and why?
Tifa: I don't know, I never really gave it much of a thought. Not anything that would be considered a phallic symbol, that's for sure. Probably something like a tomato, yeah that works. A tomato!
Chicky Tifa: Why not anything phallic?
Tifa: Um… coughs Next question.
Chicky Tifa: In your limit break, Dolphin Blow, how does a dolphin magically appear all of a sudden?
Tifa: I'm not entirely sure how that works. I have tried before to figure it out, but it's really just magic.
Chicky Tifa: Are there any truth in the rumors going around that you're opening a porn house for flowers?
Tifa: A what! I have no idea what you are implying but I am doing nothing of the sort! A porn house for flowers, that's a ridiculous idea.
Chicky Tifa: It's just a question. Okay, what's going on between you and Cloud? Inquiring minds need to know.
Tifa: Nothing really. I do have feelings for Cloud, but right now we are simply friends.
Chicky Tifa: Speaking of Cloud grins madly Is it true you and Cloud used to molest Chocobo's together?
Tifa G: Oh dear lord…
Tifa: Excuse me?
Chicky Tifa: You know, take Chocobo's and do stuff to them… sexual stuff. winks
Tifa: I… I… Th-that… You are so dead!
~*~*~*~*
Second Impression
Tifa G: We are gathered here to pay remembrance to our dearly departed friend, Chicky Tifa. Fanatic has suffered it's first casualty, but… Chicky must know she did something very noble in allowing Tifa to beat her to a bloody pulp. Because the ratings went through the roof!!!
Casey: Um, Tifa G?
Tifa G: Yes?
Casey: Chicky Tifa isn't dead.
Tifa G: I know that! But I was really hoping for a ratings boost.
Chicky Tifa: Thanks a lot Teef… Besides! It's my second impression time. Tifa was really cool, although I'm very upset she didn't answer my question about the whole molesting Chocobo incident.
Tifa: That girl is so dead! I can't believe that she dare to use my name and then talk such slander about me and Cloud. She will die!
~*~*~*~*
Tifa G: Well, that does it for another Fanatic. We almost pulled off our first successful casualty. But unfortunately coughs I'm mean thankfully, Chicky is still alive.
Casey: You know, it's just not the same without Rufus and Sephiroth chasing after us.
Tifa G: I know… maybe next episode they will have changed their mind.
Casey: And the next episode will be?
Tifa G: Yuffie Kisaragi. This time I promise!
Kinneas comes running towards Tifa G and Casey, looking very excited.
Kinneas: Guess what! Rufus and Sephiroth lifted the restraining order! Isn't that great?
A great shadow falls over them. They glance up to see Meteor bearing down on them.
Tifa G: Um… perhaps…
The scene goes dark and static can be heard
~*~*~*~
Authors Note: Yes, next time I promise that Yuffie will be next. And yes the song is a horrible butchering of "Over the Rainbow", forgive me whoever wrote it. And Quinkie, sorry about the obsessed fan ^_^
Note: Currently, I am not and repeat NOT accepting new people for interviews. I am very behind on the ones I already have. I will let you all know when I am ready to begin accepting again. I may even do another Final Fantasy, I am not sure. Hope you have enjoyed. If you would like to join a Fanatic mailing list, let me know by mentioning it in a review. Please leave an e-mail addy, that is very helpful ^_^