TITLE: RELAPSE, Part 5 - SAUGATUCK
AUTHOR: Jacinta
SUMMARY: Josh is going to Connecticut, but first Margaret has a request.
SPOILERS: Nothing
CHARACTERS: Josh, Leo, Margaret, Donna and CJ
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I'm sorry I know they're not mine, please don't sue, how will I feed my horse if you take my money?

SUNDAY

Josh is planning on going to Connecticut this afternoon and staying for a night. He wants to visit some people and places that he's not had time to go to for a while. He's just finished packing an overnight bag when Margaret arrives at his apartment.

"I won't stay long. I know you're eager to get away. Donna's quite excited, although that could just be from having two weeks off work." Margaret sits down on Josh's sofa and waits for him to do the same.

"What's up?"

"Leo."

"Right," Josh tries not to sound too dismissive.

Margaret notes Josh's tone, but she's determined to have her say. "When you've worked closely with someone for a long time you get to know their moods, you can tell what they're thinking. I know it's the same with you and Donna." When Josh doesn't speak, Margaret continues. "When we heard that the plane had gone missing, I've only ever seen him look like that a couple of times before." This time she waits for a response.

"Go on."

She sighs, this is going to be harder than she imagined. "Rosslyn was possibly the first time I've seen him look scared. It was understandable, you and the president had both been shot and even though we knew the president was going to be fine, it was two days before you were out of danger and Leo was terrified. Then in July, when Zoey was kidnapped, he had the same look."

"I don't........."

"Last Friday, when we waited for news, he looked that way again. He was scared half to death for you."

"I wasn't the only one missing," Josh points out.

"No," Margaret agrees. "He was worried about everyone, but it was you he was scared for. He'd kill me if he knew I was telling you this."

"Then why are you?"

Margaret shakes her head in exasperation. "Because he thought you could be dead and he'd never have chance to apologize. God, Josh. He wants everything to be okay between you again, but you have to want it too."

"He's had a week to tell me that himself."

"You really think he could? Can you really imagine that? I thought you knew him better......."

"So it's up to me?" Josh asks. "I've tried talking to him, Margaret. Every time we mention what happened we just end up arguing."

"So you think it's better not to mention it all, just to let it fester. You think that'll fix it?"

"Well what do you suggest?"

"I know you're angry with him, the whole West Wing knows you're angry with him, but he did what he thought was best, he tried to control the damage......."

"Look, I know you're loyal to Leo, but you don't know the whole story."

"Maybe I don't. But I do know that you're both hurt over this and it's ridiculous. You're going away for two weeks, when you come back it'll be worse than it is now. If you don't talk it'll just get worse."

"Have you told him this?"

"Yes."

"What did he say?" Josh asks curiously.

"He says you won't listen and that you're probably right, so there's no point. He thinks it'll sort itself out, but he's an idiot."

Josh can't help but smile at that. "Am I going to get this from Donna?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I'll go and see him."

"Thank you," Margaret smiles.

_________________________________________________

Half an hour later, Josh finds himself knocking on Leo's door. When Josh phoned to ask if he could come over, Leo had actually sounded quite pleased.

"Come in. You want a drink?"

"Yeh, a coffee please."

"Aren't you going to Connecticut?"

"In a couple of hours. I thought we should talk."

"You thought?"

"Donna and Margaret think we should talk," Josh amends.

Leo smiles, "Actually most of the White House seem to think we should either talk or just kill each other."

"You want to try talking, or just move on to the second option and get it over with?"

Leo hands Josh a coffee and sits down. "I don't know what else to say," he admits. "I know that the president was right, I was making it personal and I was being harder on you than I would have been on the others, but it was more than that, and it wasn't just about you."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeh. I've had some time to think about it. It was the final straw wasn't it?"

"Why'd you......?"

"It's what I told the president the other day. I told him things had been building for a while and Phillips was just the final straw for me. After Margaret left, I suddenly realized it was for you too."

"After Margaret left?" Leo asks.

"She came to bully me," Josh smiles.

"Threatened you with Donna?"

"Yeh. It's a long drive to Westport."

"You're driving?"

"It's not like we're in a rush."

"I guess not. You're flying to LA though and Florida?"

"I'm not frightened of flying, Leo," Josh laughs. "Though I may not be quite so keen to use private jets in future."

"I don't really see that being a problem," Leo tells him. "It's been a bad few months, but it's not all your fault."

"No, but I should have told you that things weren't going too well."

"Why didn't you?"

"You didn't look too hot yourself," Josh replies. "You want to talk about it?"

Leo smiles but shakes his head. "There's nothing to talk about."

"You have to talk about things, Leo, that's one thing I've learnt. Granted it's a lesson I keep forgetting, but you're one of the people that keep reminding me of it."

"He didn't want to take Shareef out. I talked him into it."

"And? He needed taking out, Leo, I don't see......"

"Oh come on, Josh. I know we denied that Zoey's kidnap had anything to do with Shareef, but we know otherwise."

"Doesn't make it your fault. And Zoey's fine."

Leo looks at Josh and sighs. "Yeh, yeh she's fine. She's fine in much the same way that you are."

"Thanks," Josh replies dryly. "She's getting counseling, she'll be okay. It gets better."

"This from the man who has nightmares about a fire from 30 years ago," Leo says, immediately wishing he hadn't.

"Yeh, but maybe if I hadn't waited 30 years to talk about it....." Josh shrugs. "That's part of the reason I'm going to Connecticut. I want to go and see the house again."

"Why?" Leo asks.

"Because I need to face it. I know it'll have changed, and I've no intention of going in. I shouldn't think the current owners even know. But I need to see it."

"You been talking to your therapist about the fire?"

"Yeh."

"Does it help?"

Josh would like to say yes, he really wishes he could say yes, but he can't. "It's been over thirty years; I don't think anything'll change how I feel. But I promised Stanley I'd try. I've only had a couple of sessions where I've talked about it so," he shrugs, "I don't know."

"Have you any nightmares since?"

Josh looks suspiciously at Leo. "No," he lies.

Leo doesn't believe that for a minute, but he doesn't want another fight, not now, so he nods and doesn't comment.

Josh knows he's doing it again. He's questioning Leo's motives for asking something that he wouldn't normally think twice about. That something he has to try and stop. If he can't trust Leo not to have an ulterior motive all the time how can he carry on working for him? "Yeh," he says.

Leo feels strangely relieved by that admission. It seems like a huge step forward in rebuilding their relationship. A couple of months ago, Josh wouldn't have thought twice about admitting to Leo he had nightmares about the fire that killed his sister, but since the Phillips incident he'd have denied it vehemently. Leo knows that after thirty four years it's unlikely that the nightmares will stop completely. He still hopes that Josh can be convinced it wasn't his fault though. "You think talking about it'll help?"

"Stanley thinks it will, so does my mom," Josh shrugs.

"What do you think?"

"I don't see how it will, but maybe. Not a very positive attitude I know." Josh stands, "I should get going."

"I will see you in a couple weeks won't I?"

"The president asked me that."

"I know, you didn't really answer him though. Are you coming back?"

Josh nods, "I'll be back at my desk, annoyong you, before you know it."

_________________________________________________

Josh pulls up reasonably close to Donna's building. He walks up the street and rings her buzzer. "I'm coming," she tells him. Two minutes later she walks out of the front door with an overnight bag. "You sure you want me to come with you?"

"Yeh."

"Good. Give me your keys."

"Why?"

"You're ill; driving a car to Connecticut won't help."

"I've had hypothermia, now I'm fine and I'm driving."

"Is that some male macho thing?"

Josh grins, "Here, you drive then. I'll sleep." He hands her the keys and climbs in the passenger side. "I went to see Leo, so you don't need to hassle me for the next five hours."

"How'd it go?"

"I don't know to be honest. It was better, I guess."

_________________________________________________

"So what are your plans?" Donna asks over breakfast at their hotel the following morning.

"I want to go and see where we used to live when I was a kid."

Donna smiles, "At least you remember that your mom doesn't live there anymore."

"Funny girl," Josh smiles. "I didn't mean that house. I thought I might go and see where the fire was."

Donna stops buttering her toast and stares at Josh. "The house is still there?"

"Yeh, it was repaired. You think it's a dumb idea don't you?"

"I don't know to be honest. Won't it be upsetting?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Have you been back before?"

"I haven't, no. It's in Bridgeport."

"I thought you'd always lived here, in Westport."

"No. My grandfather lived here, after the fire we moved in with him for a while and then my mom and dad bought a house just round the corner from him. Joanie's buried at the cemetery here. I never went back to the first house."

"Why go now then?"

"I've been talking to Dr Hornby about the fire, I just thought.... if I see it now, if I see it as it is, a completely different house, maybe.... I don't know. I don't see how it can hurt."

"Okay, but I'm coming with you." What worries Donna is that the house may look the same now as it did before the fire. She knows Josh hasn't been sleeping, she's seen how tired he is. She's worried that he's going to have a flashback to that night.

_________________________________________________

"It's a nice house," Donna comments, but Josh is looking across the street at another house. This one's almost identical to the rest in the road. It's painted cream, there are two trees at the front, an SUV in the drive and, most worrying for Donna, there's a for sale board.

Josh is watching the house. He sees the trees, they were saplings when they lived there, they may not even be the same ones. The upstairs windows look the same, the left one had been his room, the right one Joanie's. The lawn at the front looks good; his dad would have pleased about that. The gate to the back yard, the gate he'd run through that night, still looks the same, as does the small fence he'd climbed. The gate's closed and he's glad because it means he can't see the kitchen. He knows if it was open he'd force himself to look through it.

Donna's stopped watching the house and is now watching Josh. He hasn't moved since they pulled up. He's sat staring across the street. She doesn't know whether to interrupt him or not. She can't actually think what to say. She spared the need to think of anything by a knock on the window. She sees Josh jump as she winds the window down. "Hi," she smiles.

"Hey, you folks here to view the house?"

Josh recovers quickly and shakes his head. "No," he tells the middle aged man. "We're in Bridgeport for the day and I used to know the Fisher's, next door to you."

Although Josh sounds normal and friendly to the stranger, to Donna he sounds tense and more than a little upset.

"Yeh, nice family. Two boys," the man gives them a curious look.

"Mark and Collin," Josh tells him.

"That's right," the man smiles, and Josh feels like he's past a test. "I'm Arthur Goodwin. We're waiting for a couple to come and view the house but they're late. The Fisher's moved out about ten years ago now."

Josh already knew that. He smiles his best politician's smile, "It's a long time since I was here, we just drove by on the off chance." He nods across at his old house, "Looks like your viewers have arrived."

"Yes. I'm sorry to have disturbed you," Arthur smiles.

"Good luck with the sale," Donna tells him as she winds the window up and Arthur walks back to his house. "You okay?" she asks Josh.

"Yeh," he nods. "It's for sale then?"

"I don't know whether........" Donna begins.

"No," Josh agrees. "Definitely a bad idea."

_________________________________________________

"Home," Josh grins as he looks across the street at his parent's old house, the house that'll always be home.

"Not anymore," Donna grins back. "Your mom's in Florida now."

"Yeh," Josh gives a mock sigh. "We better not stop, I think one suspicious householder is enough for one day. I want to show you something," he smiles.

Donna glances at Josh as he drives. He hasn't said very much since they left Bridgeport, but he does seem fine, for now. "Where we going?"

"A tour of my childhood."

"Will I get to meet people who'll tell me secrets from your past?"

"Not a chance."

Two hours later they've seen where he played baseball, where he broke his wrist when he fell out of a tree and they've been for a walk along the beach. Josh is actually quite enjoying showing Donna places from his childhood and she's enjoying being there with him. Work's been so intense for so long now that she'd forgotten how much fun he could be. Once they've eaten lunch though she knows there's one more thing he needs to do.

"You can go there alone you know," she tells him. "I understand."

Josh smiles, "Thanks. I just......"

"I know, it's private. I'll wait here and read the paper."

Donna sits in the car and reads through the local paper while Josh walks into the cemetery, to where most of his family is buried. There are three graves, side by side. The first is his sister's. When he was a child and his mom used to come here and talk to her, he thought it was strange, now he finds himself telling her about visiting the old house, about taking Donna to his old haunts. The next grave is his grandfather's. They'd always been very close and Josh misses him as much as he misses his dad. He tries out his Polish and finds he can still speak it, but it's been fifteen years and he can imagine his grandfather groaning at some of his pronunciation. He smiles, apologizes and places a pebble on the grave. The third grave is his father's. He touches the headstone and smiles sadly, wondering what he'd think about the rift between his friend and son.

_________________________________________________

CJ walks into Leo's office and waits for him to notice her. "Leo?" she prompts after a few seconds.

"Yeh?" he asks absently.

"Did you know that Donna went to Connecticut with Josh?"

"Yeh, why?"

CJ hands Leo the photograph she was given this morning.

Leo studies the image of Josh and Donna sat on a bench near the river. "OK."

"You don't seem too bothered."

"They're sat looking out over the Saugatuck."

"Leo! They're sat pretty close."

"It's November in Connecticut, it'd be cold."

"They're holding hands."

"Yeh," Leo agrees. The photograph doesn't show their faces too clearly and they obviously didn't know it was being taken. Leo can hazard a guess that the reason they're holding hands, or rather Donna's holding Josh's hand, is because he's upset. He knows Josh intended going to Bridgeport, he also knows he'll have been to the cemetery, so it's a fair guess that Donna's comforting him.

"That's all you can say?"

"Who gave you the picture?"

"Chris. Her parents are the elderly couple by the railings, the photo was suppose to be of them. They showed it to her last night when they got back. She thought I might like to see it."

"Is she going to do anything with it?"

"No, and I wouldn't imagine her parents are about to write the Enquirer, but that's not the point. If something's going on between Josh and Donna I need to know so I can be prepared when the questions start. And they will start, Leo."

"There's nothing going on," Leo assures her, he looks back at the photograph, at Josh's stance, at the way Donna's watching him and he's surprised CJ doesn't see it, but then she isn't looking for it. "He's upset."

"He is?" CJ looks at the picture again.

"Take my word for it, nothing's going on."

_________________________________________________

Donna sits in Josh's living room, with the TV volume turned down, reading a magazine and drinking a cup of tea. Josh is asleep next door and she doesn't want to disturb him, she knows he didn't sleep well last night, she heard him get up at least twice.

It had been late when they got back from Westport. They'd had some dinner, watched television and Donna had stayed in the guest room. It's nearly 8am and she knows she'll have wake him soon because they're flying to Florida in a few hours. She's about to go and make him a coffee when her cell phone rings.

"Where are you?" CJ asks.

"Josh's apartment."

"Why are you whispering?"

"I don't want to wake him. What's wrong?"

"It's 8am and you're at Josh's apartment even though he's apparently asleep," CJ replies a little sharply.

"I stayed the night, in the spare room. It's not like I haven't stayed before, what's the problem?"

"You went to Connecticut with him and you're going to Florida and California with him. You can see where this is going?"

"CJ!" Donna replies. "I stayed in the spare room last night, as have you before now. We had separate rooms in Westport, we're staying with him mom in Florida and we have separate rooms in California. We go away together all the time."

"That's work, this is pleasure. Donna, I'm just thinking of the press."

Donna can understand how it may look at little odd, her going to visit Josh's mother with him, so she avoids that one. "Why would the press think it's odd that Josh and I are going to visit Sam?"

"Maybe they won't, they may think it odd that you're going to Florida with him."

"It's winter, it's nice and warm in Florida, I'm on vacation, Josh just happens to be there as well."

"Is that how I'm supposed to play it?" CJ asks. "What about Westport, why'd you go there?"

"That's no one else's business, it was private. Josh had some things to do there."

"That's what I should tell the press?"

"No, you shouldn't tell them anything."

"There's a photograph of you and him holding hands while sitting by the river," CJ tells her.

Donna takes the phone into the spare room so as not to disturb Josh. "He was upset, he'd just been to the cemetery and to Bridgeport."

"What's in Bridgeport?"

"The house where his sister died."

"He went there?"

"I didn't think it was a good idea, but he was determined, so I went with him. By the time he'd been to the cemetery as well he was pretty upset. Who took a picture of us?"

"It was a tourist snap, Chris in the gaggle's parents."

"Is it going to be a thing?"

"No. Donna, if anything did happen with you and Josh......"

"CJ!"

"I'm just saying, I know it's private, but you have to let me know, because..... "

"I understand why, that's why nothing's going to. We're just friends, CJ."

CJ relents, for now. "Yeh, okay, I'm sorry. What time's your flight?"

"1.20."

"Have a good time while we're all stuck in cold damp Washington," CJ tries to lighten the conversation.

"I'll send you a postcard," Donna smiles. "Nothing's going to happen, honestly, but if it did you'd be the first to know."

continued......