Fanatic: Cid Highwind
By: Tifa Gainsborough
~*~*~*~
Tifa Gainsborough and Casey Crystal peer cautiously around a corner. From inside the room, the sound of Dir en grey can be heard blasting from three speakers. Kinneas is dancing in the room, a one woman mosh pit.
Kinneas: Yes Kyo! Eat your pie you sexy man. Kinneas sings along with the music, adding her own lyrics Do that crazy dance, eat your crazy pie!
Casey: Should we do something? I'm afraid she might hurt herself.
Tifa G: I'm afraid to get in the way of a Kinneas Dir en grey Dance Moment™. I suppose we just wait until the song is over.
Twenty minutes later Kinneas is still dancing, having moved onto Gackt music.
Tifa G: THAT'S IT!!! charges in and turns the cd player off I have had just about enough of th- ACK!
Tifa G stumbles backwards, a berry pie stuck firmly to her face. Casey rolls around the corner, laughing hysterically. Kinneas glares and Casey quickly shuts up.
Kinneas: How dare you turn off Gackt! That should be a sin or something. A J-pop sin! You Gackt hater, J-pop sinner you!
Tifa G: Sowwy. tugs the pie off her face, pieces of berry clinging to her nose. Glancing up, she spots the camera. Holy crap on a shiznick! Has that been rolling the entire time?!?
Casey: I thought you knew.
Tifa G: NO! Why don't people tell me these things. Any who, welcome to Fanatic. I'm out of the happy hospital and feeling great! On today's episode every body's favorite chain smoking, tea drinking, shift symbol swearing pilot Cid Highwind is getting interviewed.
Kinneas: Oh good, somebody who isn't out to kill us. Speaking of which, where have Sephiroth and Rufus gone to?
Casey: Last I checked, they were doing fund raising to feed starving villains. shrugs That or they are hatching another scheme to kill us.
Tifa G: Hey! Who's show is this? Fanatic hosted by Tifa Gainsborough with Kinneas and Casey. Or Feed the Starving Villains of Squaresoft with Sephiroth and Rufus?
Silence.
Tifa G: That's what I thought! Now, lets go get Bree!
Kinneas: Uh Tifa G… It's Britney, Bree is for Red XIII.
Casey: Are you sure you have spent enough time at the happy hospital?
Tifa G: YES! Now then, lets go get Britney!
~*~*~
Kinneas: It's amazing how many places are not in the Final Fantasy VII universe but seem to keep sprouting up like weeds!
Casey: Fanfic weeds! Then we have those diseases.
Tifa G: Diseases?
Casey: You know, the abbreviated words. I had Yuffentine all last week, knocked me totally for a loop.
Tifa G and Kinneas shudder visibly at the mention of the blasphemes word. The ground shudders under their feet and all three are airborne. The nice little space of empty grass outside of Kalm has suddenly become a mall.
All: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The three spin randomly through the air, arms flailing wildly. They come crashing down onto an unsuspecting mall customer.
Unsuspecting mall customer: Oof…Would you mind getting off.
Tifa G: Would you happen to be Britney?
Unsuspecting mall customer: Yeah and? Is that going to make you move any faster?
Kinneas: We are with Fanatic. Casey! Get your elbow out of my face.
Britney: REALLY?!?!
The four detangle themselves and climb to their feet.
Tifa G: That's right! We are here to inform you that you have been chosen to interview Cid Highwind.
Britney: WOOHOO!!!! Highwind here I come!
Tifa G loops her arm around Britney's shoulder. With a sad look, she gives everybody some heartbreaking news.
Tifa G: I broke the clicky thing on my laptops mouse pad. The mouse no longer makes clicky noises. I very sad.
Everybody looks a little unsure. Britney looks as though she is trying to decide whether she should run screaming or stick it out.
Tifa G: Well! Let's go!
~*~*~
First Impression
Britney: I am very excited to be interviewing Cid. I think he is extremely handsome and anybody that calls him otherwise deserves to have the Highwind flown up their #%$!
Cid: This is really %$(#*%& exciting. It's great that I get to meet $@(* good fans. Especially $@(* good fans that are %$(#*%& mine! That's is just so $@(* cool. takes a drag of his cigarette. $@(* good.
Tifa G: Does anybody have any idea what he just said?
Kinneas: No clue…
~*~*~
The Highwind soars over the skies. Tifa G and Britney are standing near the big ass window. Kinneas and Casey are harassing random members of the crew. Cid is standing hear the wheel, smoking a cigarette and cussing out the pilot.
Tifa G: Got all your questions?
Britney: Sure do! skips over the Cid, waving around her clipboard of questions Hello Cid!
Cid: Hey. You the fan?
Britney: That would be me! I'm Britney, and I have questions. First, where did you get that hat?
Cid: I think I got it as a gift from Shera. Although I can't be certain.
Britney: grumbles something under her breath then smiles happily at Cid That is nice. Exactly why the cigarettes?
Cid: When you spend a good majority of your life waiting to go into outer space you gotta find something to do with your spare time. That is what I chose to do with my spare time.
Britney: Interesting. How did Shera come about?
Cid: She just kinda showed up one day. She was good with tools so I kept her around. Besides, she makes a mean cup of tea.
Britney: All famous question.
Tifa G: YAYNESS! The tradition lives on!
Britney: So it does. Boxers or briefs?
Cid: I'm a boxers man.
Britney: Can I fly the Highwind? pouts Please.
Cid: I suppose, just for a second.
Britney gleefully shoves the pilot out of the way and grabs the wheel. Everybody is thrown off their feet as Britney tries to make the Highwind do a barrel roll. When the Highwind finally rights itself, everybody is clinging to random objects. Casey is hanging upside down from the ceiling. Kinneas is buried under a pile of crewmembers. Tifa G has rolled through the open door and out of the cockpit. Taking out two people on the walkway.
Cid: Remind me NEVER to let anybody try and fly the Highwind ever again.
Britney: That was so much fun!!! All right, time for the next question. Does anybody ever call you a crusty old guy to your face? Cause YOU'RE NOT OLD, YOU'RE SO HANDSOME!
Cid: No and… blushes and grumbles under his breath thankyouevermuch.
Britney: May I kill Shera?
Tifa G: from somewhere outside the cockpit I LIKE Shera!
Cid: I don't think so. She's pretty handy to have around
Britney: Damn. Everybody stares at her strangely What? I can say something other then shift characters. How did you choose the spear as your weapon?
Cid: I like it. It is easy to handle. Plus it had a good reach, don't have to get up close and personal with your enemy.
Britney: Does Sephiroth scare you?
Cid: No. Simple as that.
Britney: Can we get married? cuddles up close to Cid Please?
The scene goes black, in the background there is sounds of scuffling, somebody swearing, and many unmentionable sounds. When the scene reappears Tifa G, Casey, Kinneas, and Britney are strewn out on top of a cliff. The Highwind soars away.
Kinneas: Well that was productive.
Casey: Do you realize Cid did not say a single cuss word in that entire interview.
Tifa G: I know, I'm scared too.
~*~*~
Second Impressions
Britney: Oh man! I got to drive the Highwind! I mean, WOW! That was just so cool, I will never be able to forget it for the rest of my life. Oh, and Cid was really cool too.
Cid: That was one messed up fa-
The scene shifts suddenly to reveal Sephiroth and Rufus.
Sephiroth: We interrupt this current program to bring you important information. Information that you can use to help others.
Rufus: Everyday a Squaresoft villain goes hungry. A clip shows Seymour digging through a trash bin looks for food. You can help stop these helpless misunderstood individuals from going hungry.
Sephiroth: By calling the number on your screen, you can help. Contribute a small donation to the Squaresoft Sta-
Tifa G: I DON'T THINK SO!!!
Tifa G, followed by Kinneas and Casey, storm the studio.
Tifa G: Nobody cuts into my show! In a moment, you won't have to worry about starving, cause you will be dead! MUWAHAHAHA!
There is a scuffle, much swearing, and petty name calling. When the dust clears, Sephiroth and Rufus stand triumphant. Tifa G, Casey, and Kinneas sit on the floor bound by ropes.
Casey: This is bad isn't it?
Tifa G: I think so.
Kinneas: rolls eyes Wonderful.
Sephiroth leans down, a shiny sparkly very sharp tack in hand. He grins wickedly and the camera fades out.
~*~*~
Authors Note: I am SO SORRY! I have three interviewers that I have neglected that I should have done a long time ago. Britney, Bree, and AngelKnight I am really sorry. Yours are coming up next, I promise ^_^